Crack

I was going to put this is Computers, but the people it needs to reach don't really visit there too often.

First off, let me say, if you make your IT department happy, your life will be eaiser. I can't account for all IT departments out there, but most if not all are like us. We do this job for a different reason than most people do theirs. We actually like it. This is key when you are dealing with IT. Remember, we might not enjoy helping you send an e-mail, but we all know there are worse jobs to be had out there. A little respect and space goes a long way.

1. When we come out to look at a computer you are working on, GET UP FROM THE FREAKING CHAIR! It's our chair now. I am not going to hover around you and half stand while I am trying to use your mouse.

2. For every single post-it, picture of your dog, phone number, business card, bible verse written on a napkin you have taped to your moniter, is 5 mins less I will be there trying to help you out. Either move it before I get there, or don't have it up at all. Is it that much more trouble to put it in a folder?
2.1 That ridiculous custom mouse pointer of a banana you think is so cute actually makes it harder for me to do my job because it's not clear where the point is.

3. Icons on your desktop. If it takes me an hour to find "My Computer" on your desktop, something is wrong. You do not need a shortcut to every single website you had ever visited, every doccument you ever worked on, every picture of your son/grandson/cousin/neice/uncle doing something funny. Make a folder, put that crap in it.

4. If you don't know what you are talking about, don't talk about it. You will just look silly, and we will laugh at you later. In fact, I am laughing about something someone said right now. Don't suggest we open a port on the firewall if 1. you don't know what a firewall is, and 2. the problem is you can't open a word doccument because the CD it's on is not in your computer.

5. It's not our fault. Don't blame me when the servers go down. I didn't pull the plug. 9 times out of 10, it's something you guys did. On that rare occurance that it is my fault that the server is down, then it needed to come down, and you were told before hand. I know Lands End is having a big ole sale on mock turtlenecks, I don't care. My biggest problem right now isn't the fact that you can't look at e-bay, my problem is getting the server back up and running so everyone can.
5.1 Don't shout at me. Your embarassment that you can't work a computer is ugly and the less time you waste verbally abusing me the more work we can all get done.
5.2 If you call me and say your computer does not work in an impatient voice, please make sure you turned on the computer or check the power cord to see if it is plugged in.

6. Most IT depts have a problem tracking system. Something happens, we doccument the problem, and look at what needs to be done first. If there is something bigger going on, don't expect me to drop everything and fix your Q key, because you have to puch it a little bit harder than the others. If you Have an issue, send an e-mail. E-mail is always better than a phone call. You tell me what you can't do, or what something says, not what you think the problem is. (see #4)

7. Say thanks if we helped you. It goes a long way.

8. If you are calling me to complain about the internet running slow, tell the people in your department to stop streaming music.

9. Its a big place, tell me what room number and phone number you are in, and can be reached at, I’m not psychic, j smith is not enough for me to find you and fix your problem.


I'll add more later, but this is a good starting point for now.

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

Kadath

I would add an addendum to 2: That ridiculous custom mouse pointer of a banana you think is so cute actually makes it harder for me to do my job because it's not clear where the point is.
And also to 5: Don't shout at me. Your embarassment that you can't work a computer is ugly and the less time you waste verbally abusing me the more work we can all get done.

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Crack

good stuff. This is a work in progress, and those are 2 great ideas!

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

kurty[B]

I have to add one to this.

8. If you are calling me to complain about the internet running slow, tell the people in your department to stop streaming music.

Jove

I like this thread.

I like to add: "If you call me and say your computer does not work in an impatient voice, please make sure you turned on the computer or check the power cord to see if it is plugged in."

Dilbert1234567

9. its a big place, tell me what room number and phone number you are in, and can be reached at, I’m not psychic, j smith is not enough for me to find you and fix your problem.

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Crack

Changes made, thanks folks, let's keep it going!

__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

StanT

Be nice to your network guys, as well. Publicly harassing someone that has detailed records of every web site you've ever visited is probably not in your best interest.

Be honest about changes you've made. We have tools to measure, monitor, and log most everything. We'll find out anyway, the flogging will be much less severe if we don't spent 2 days working on it first.

Willravel

Spilling coffee on a keyboard voids the warentee.

liquidlight

Don't tell me that your computer "stopped working" and then claim that you haven't changed anything. Especially if the issue only affects your machine and every other computer in the office is fine. This includes lying to me about the software that you installed that was against company policy that you didn't know how to uninstall and you're hoping that I don't find and in the end is the reason your system is broken.

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Daniel_

Remember: Computers do what you tell them, if they do dumb stuff, it's because you told them dumb things.

Corolary to the earlier comment: Computers remember and record everything you tell them to do somewhere. If you give them dumb instructions, they do dumb things, they then tell us that you asked them to do dumb tings.

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Your printer is not "acting all funny" it is "out of paper". Dumbass.

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Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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Dilbert1234567

ooh i got another:

dont lie and say you spilt a cup of water on your laptop, the puddle on my bench is much more then a cup, and i dont think you drink water with bath salts in it.

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feelgood

Contray to the popular brief, the cd driver is NOT a coffee cup holder

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cyrnel

Sir, this might seem obvious on this painful morning after, but please don't pee in your computer. And if you could keep your cat from doing likewise that'd be just great.

Oh, and if you or your little friend do have one of those super festive evenings and happen to pee in your computer, it'd be a peach if you'd mention that before the tech trying to help gets inside without gloves or a FULL-FUCKING-BODY-RUBBER!

Many thanks,
-Your friendly computer repair guy.

(From the early days when board sets were gold so "short circuits" meant breaking out the scope and tracking down angry silicon. Thanks for reminding me, guys. )

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There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

Marvelous Marv

I thought of that first!!!!

Seriously, I love it when the task bar disappears, or is vertical now, and they "didn't change anything."

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JustJess

^^ You'd be surprised at how many people ask me to fix that kind of thing - they know it's different, they just have NO IDEA how the hell they changed it.

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MSD

You claimed the laptop we issued you had been returned for a year before you finally had your boyfriend drop it off the week your sabattical you spent teaching in England started. That laptop looked like it had been attacked by a bear.

You complained that your new laptop's keys weren't working. That's because you broke them off even though you signed it out three days ago.

We gave you a nice durable PowerMac G4 Latop and within a week keys were loose, the case was scratched, and you had managed to cause a kernel panic that not only prevents the computer from booting to OS, but prevents us from booting to CD so we can't reinstall the OS.

No, whatever you're pointing at on the shelf behind me is not available to be signed out to staff and faculty. Especially not if it's the 36" widescreen LCD monitor.

jerseyboy

Not an IT guy but this is a really funny list, keep it going.

Dilbert1234567

10. We are like an army, we march on our stomach, fresh homemade baked goods just make us march a little faster.

11. With the previous exception, cash bribes only.

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thingstodo

I'm not an IT guy (but I slept in a Holiday Inn Express last night!) but I do manage a few and I can raise a toast to all of you and the crap you put up with.

Cheers!

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Dilbert1234567

thank you thingstodo.

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Ourcrazymodern?

WAY TOO MUCH ANXIETY, GUYS AND GALS. I'm kind of glad you don't work for the post office. ...um, thankyou?

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Dilbert1234567

i baked 5 gross of cookies for the campus that i work at, i love everyone there.

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