Teaching assertiveness...? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Jinn · 07-12-2006, 06:58 AM

How does one go about teaching assertiveness?

I personally believe the majority of problems with assertiveness stem from (a) past failures in decision making (b) poor parenting or poor peer structure, allowing the individual to believe their opinion is not valid or that other's opinions have more importance.

Therefore, my best theory involves giving the individual chances to make decisions on small, less-important things, until they develop a confidence in their ability to make decisions. Likewise, the individual needs to be given opportunities to ASSERT their position or desire in environments where peers will be unlikely to disagree.

However, this is not as entirely affective (effective?) as it appears. If you were tasked with teaching leadership skills and assertiveness, where would you start?

Redlemon · 07-12-2006, 07:53 AM

Personal aside: My mom would often present my sister and I with choices, although she had already made up her mind as to what the "correct" choice was. If we chose the "wrong" one, she'd try to convince us to switch our choice. We both now have trouble with decisions, especially inconsequential choices. (The question "What video should we rent?" can lock my brain up.)

(p.s.: Effective.)

ngdawg · 07-12-2006, 09:15 AM

My biggest problem was being assertive. I was battered down and controlled by my parents to the point that I was total whimpy milquetoast and didn't realize how bad I was until I had to start therapy.
Teaching assertiveness has to start with the reasons one isn't. They stem from fears, but those fears are varied. Next, question whether those fears are logical and helpful. The answer will most likely be no. Now confront them head-on and make the effort to lose the fear and worry; worry is a needless action. If you can't act on it, don't do it. You have to tell yourself this every time a worry comes-can I make a change? No? Then I have to let it go. Can I make a change? Yes? Then make it.
Replay a whimpy time in your life. Change your reaction and change the outcome mentally. If you can have someone role play the time along with you, better still.
Take one chance that has held you back. Fly in a plane, use a public bathroom, tell a stranger they look great. Cross a line once you never would have thought you could. Didn't die? Cool...cross another one.
Assertiveness too many times is confused with aggression but they are totally different. Being assertive means standing up for yourself, going for what is fair in your life, beating fears and worries that block your path. And while you can be aggressive in your goal-chasing, being aggressive against other people is ill-advised, but being assertive is well-advised.

Pip · 07-12-2006, 09:23 AM

Tough question. It can turn into a complete life-makeover. But on a smaller scale, for a group of 5 to 10 people, I'd steal some exercises from improvisation theatre. In order for impro theatre to work, everyone in the group must pay attention to everyone else and follow their lead, but they must also be able to take initiative, otherwise the action dies.

abaya · 07-12-2006, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ngdawg

Teaching assertiveness has to start with the reasons one isn't. They stem from fears, but those fears are varied. Next, question whether those fears are logical and helpful. The answer will most likely be no. -snip- Take one chance that has held you back. Fly in a plane, use a public bathroom, tell a stranger they look great. Cross a line once you never would have thought you could. Didn't die? Cool...cross another one.

Good stuff, ng. I like your explanation of why people might not be assertive... it boils down to fear. And it's true; while I've rarely had a problem with assertiveness, the only solution for me in terms of getting over it, is to just do the thing that scares me the most. After a very short time I realize that whatever it was, didn't kill me... and I'm more and more able to do the same thing, until the fear is completely banished.

I think this is one reason why some companies have team-building/ropes courses or whatever... to build trust among the team members, but also to give individuals the chance to test themselves and push beyond their own fear thresholds.

Jinn, are you teaching a group or an individual? What kind of audience do you have (are they willing, or resistant)?

thingstodo · 07-12-2006, 11:22 AM

I also think some people just aren't predisposed to being assertive. For example, the introvert. But they do have other characteristics that compensate or make up for the other.

Some people develop certain things with their personality in the early years that others don't. For example, I'm completely comfortable meeting new people or speaking in front of a crowd. In fact, I enjoy that. Other people fear speaking to a crowd worse than death.

So my point is, you probably can teach assertiveness to some people but not to others. It depends on their personality.

shesus · 07-12-2006, 12:37 PM

I'm not sure if you can teach assertiveness. I think it's something that a person has to want and work for within themselves. You can practice being assertive by placing yourself outside of your comfort zone and going after what you want.

In my experience, I've found that when I gain assertiveness it is when I'm trying to get something that I really want. I used to be extremely shy and introverted. Terrified to talk to people, let alone state my opinions or desires. I've come along way by working with a variety of people and placing myself outside my comfort zone both professionally and personally. I'm in the midst of a growth right now actually in my journey to change careers.

So teaching assertiveness, I don't think is possible. Teaching strategies to aid in becoming more assertive is. But without the personal desire to become more assertive, there isn't a chance of learning it.

Supple Cow · 07-12-2006, 12:50 PM

I don't think assertiveness (or the lack thereof) is cause, but effect. Situations where people are not assertive but should be are usually the effect of some other issue, whether it's that the person just doesn't think their input is necessary or that they are fearful of the consequences. The reasons may or may not be irrational, but they are the real issues.

On another note, perfectly confident people can miss opportunities to be "assertive" because it's a subjective concept. If a restaurant got my order wrong and I didn't say anything about it, my friends might call me unassertive while I was just thinking that it would take too long to change the order and that the food I had in front of me was equally appetizing. Would my assertiveness really need to be called into question? Nope.

ngdawg · 07-12-2006, 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shesus

I'm not sure if you can teach assertiveness. I think it's something that a person has to want and work for within themselves. You can practice being assertive by placing yourself outside of your comfort zone and going after what you want.

In my experience, I've found that when I gain assertiveness it is when I'm trying to get something that I really want. I used to be extremely shy and introverted. Terrified to talk to people, let alone state my opinions or desires. I've come along way by working with a variety of people and placing myself outside my comfort zone both professionally and personally. I'm in the midst of a growth right now actually in my journey to change careers.

So teaching assertiveness, I don't think is possible. Teaching strategies to aid in becoming more assertive is. But without the personal desire to become more assertive, there isn't a chance of learning it.

I was, as a school years friend put it, 'extremely, painfully shy'. I hid under my hair, turned beet red if anyone said so much as 'hi'. I had no clue about being assertive at all and going for what I wanted. It wsn't until I hit a crisis point that I sought out professional help that I learned how to be assertive and even after that had to go through a process of facing fears and challenging myself constantly to do things I thought I couldn't do. It was that I feared doing things outside my comfort zone and once I did them (sort of like holding one's breath and jumping into a cold lake), felt empowered to go a little further.
Whether it's considered learning strategies or learning assertiveness, I've found that nothing is achieved if we don't face the fears head on first, be it jobsearching(fear of rejection) or life choices(fear of failure). I agree that without desire, it simply won't happen and that's true of almost every choice we make.
One example of learning to be assertive was a session of regressive therapy. The therapist played the part of my mom and we 'acted' out a scene from my childhood. Instead of cowering, though, I defended myself. Another session had her 'interview' me as a small child, asking me what I was feeling during a certain time. These exercises, which, though for me, were quite uncomfortable, were a part of learning how to assert oneself in a given situation. By changing the scenario to one in which I am empowered, the mindset of what one might be able to do is changed to one of assertiveness instead of passiveness.

Cynthetiq · 07-13-2006, 07:04 AM

This is something that I remind people all the time when they doubt themselves about their own feeling and situations.

When I was a tween, I took college courses on Assertiveness Training along with a few other courses. This list was similar to one I was handed on day one.

Quote:

Your Legitimate Rights

You have the right to put yourself first sometimes.
You have the right to make mistakes.
You have the right to be the final judge of your feelings and accept them as legitimate.
You have the right to have your own opinions and convictions.
You have the right to change your mind or decide on a different course of action.
You have a right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.
You have a right to interrupt in order to ask for clarification.
You have a right to negotiate for change.
You have a right to ask for help or emotional support.
You have a right to feel and express pain.
You have a right to ignore the advice of others.
You have a right to receive formal recognition for your work and achievements.
You have a right to say "no."
You have a right to be alone, even if others would prefer your company.
You have a right not to have to justify yourself to others.
You have a right not to take responsibility for someone else's problem.
You have a right not to have to anticipate others' needs and wishes.
You have a right not to always worry about the goodwill of others.
You have a right to choose not to respond to a situation.

another handout was about the different interpersonal styles

Quote:

Three Basic Interpersonal Styles

The first step in assertiveness training is to identify the three basic styles of interpersonal behavior.

Aggressive Style.
Typical examples of aggressive behavior are fighting, accusing, threatening, and generally stepping on people without regard for their feelings. The advantage of this kind of behavior is that people do not push the aggressive person around. The disadvantage is that people do not want to be around him or her.

Passive Style.
A person is behaving passively when he lets others push him around, when he does not stand up for himself, and when he does what he is told, regardless of how he feels about it. The advantage of being passive is that you rarely experience direct rejection. The disadvantage is that you are taken advantage of, and you store up a heavy burden or resentment and anger.

Assertive Style.
A person is behaving assertively when he stands up for himself, expresses his true feelings, and does not let others take advantage of him. At the same time, he is considerate of others' feelings. The advantage of being assertive is that you get what you want, usually without making others mad. If you are assertive, you can act in your own best interest and not feel guilty or wrong about it. Meekness and withdrawal, attack and blame are no longer needed with the mastery of assertive behavior. They are seen for what they are - sadly inadequate strategies of escape that create more pain and stress than they prevent. Before you can achieve assertive behavior you must face the fact that the passive and aggressive styles have often failed to get you what you want.

07-12-2006, 06:58 AM	#1 (permalink)
Jinn Lover - Protector - Teacher Location: Seattle, WA	Teaching assertiveness...? How does one go about teaching assertiveness? I personally believe the majority of problems with assertiveness stem from (a) past failures in decision making (b) poor parenting or poor peer structure, allowing the individual to believe their opinion is not valid or that other's opinions have more importance. Therefore, my best theory involves giving the individual chances to make decisions on small, less-important things, until they develop a confidence in their ability to make decisions. Likewise, the individual needs to be given opportunities to ASSERT their position or desire in environments where peers will be unlikely to disagree. However, this is not as entirely affective (effective?) as it appears. If you were tasked with teaching leadership skills and assertiveness, where would you start? __________________ "I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

07-12-2006, 07:53 AM	#2 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	Personal aside: My mom would often present my sister and I with choices, although she had already made up her mind as to what the "correct" choice was. If we chose the "wrong" one, she'd try to convince us to switch our choice. We both now have trouble with decisions, especially inconsequential choices. (The question "What video should we rent?" can lock my brain up.) (p.s.: Effective.) __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

07-12-2006, 09:15 AM	#3 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	My biggest problem was being assertive. I was battered down and controlled by my parents to the point that I was total whimpy milquetoast and didn't realize how bad I was until I had to start therapy. Teaching assertiveness has to start with the reasons one isn't. They stem from fears, but those fears are varied. Next, question whether those fears are logical and helpful. The answer will most likely be no. Now confront them head-on and make the effort to lose the fear and worry; worry is a needless action. If you can't act on it, don't do it. You have to tell yourself this every time a worry comes-can I make a change? No? Then I have to let it go. Can I make a change? Yes? Then make it. Replay a whimpy time in your life. Change your reaction and change the outcome mentally. If you can have someone role play the time along with you, better still. Take one chance that has held you back. Fly in a plane, use a public bathroom, tell a stranger they look great. Cross a line once you never would have thought you could. Didn't die? Cool...cross another one. Assertiveness too many times is confused with aggression but they are totally different. Being assertive means standing up for yourself, going for what is fair in your life, beating fears and worries that block your path. And while you can be aggressive in your goal-chasing, being aggressive against other people is ill-advised, but being assertive is well-advised. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

07-12-2006, 11:22 AM	#6 (permalink)
thingstodo A Storm Is Coming Location: The Great White North	I also think some people just aren't predisposed to being assertive. For example, the introvert. But they do have other characteristics that compensate or make up for the other. Some people develop certain things with their personality in the early years that others don't. For example, I'm completely comfortable meeting new people or speaking in front of a crowd. In fact, I enjoy that. Other people fear speaking to a crowd worse than death. So my point is, you probably can teach assertiveness to some people but not to others. It depends on their personality. __________________ If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves. Stangers have the best candy.

07-12-2006, 12:37 PM	#7 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	I'm not sure if you can teach assertiveness. I think it's something that a person has to want and work for within themselves. You can practice being assertive by placing yourself outside of your comfort zone and going after what you want. In my experience, I've found that when I gain assertiveness it is when I'm trying to get something that I really want. I used to be extremely shy and introverted. Terrified to talk to people, let alone state my opinions or desires. I've come along way by working with a variety of people and placing myself outside my comfort zone both professionally and personally. I'm in the midst of a growth right now actually in my journey to change careers. So teaching assertiveness, I don't think is possible. Teaching strategies to aid in becoming more assertive is. But without the personal desire to become more assertive, there isn't a chance of learning it. __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

07-12-2006, 09:23 AM	#4 (permalink)
Pip Likes Hats Location: Stockholm, Sweden	Tough question. It can turn into a complete life-makeover. But on a smaller scale, for a group of 5 to 10 people, I'd steal some exercises from improvisation theatre. In order for impro theatre to work, everyone in the group must pay attention to everyone else and follow their lead, but they must also be able to take initiative, otherwise the action dies.

07-12-2006, 12:50 PM	#8 (permalink)
Supple Cow Americow, the Beautiful Location: Washington, D.C.	I don't think assertiveness (or the lack thereof) is cause, but effect. Situations where people are not assertive but should be are usually the effect of some other issue, whether it's that the person just doesn't think their input is necessary or that they are fearful of the consequences. The reasons may or may not be irrational, but they are the real issues. On another note, perfectly confident people can miss opportunities to be "assertive" because it's a subjective concept. If a restaurant got my order wrong and I didn't say anything about it, my friends might call me unassertive while I was just thinking that it would take too long to change the order and that the food I had in front of me was equally appetizing. Would my assertiveness really need to be called into question? Nope. __________________ "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." (Michael Jordan)