Is it possible to politely turn down invitations? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

blizzak · 05-19-2006, 02:51 PM

So I was invited to my girlfriend's friend's boyfriend's boat this weekend and the invitation was sent several weeks ago. I said I'd go...in fact my girlfriend sent me an e-mail with the invitation and she said "My May 2-4 holiday is actually May 22nd (Monday). So everyone book it off!". But now that it's actually that time, I am kinda bleh about the whole thing. Mainly because I think you have to either be a boating person or not, and I'm pretty sure I'm not. Also, it's the May 24 weekend, and there are several other get togethers that I am missing out on.

Now I'm not saying that I wasn't happy to be invited, but is it really so easy to turn down an invitation? I feel as though I was sorta forced into it, based off the original invitation and my girlfriend saying "So everyone book it off!". I don't wanna seem like a jerk or anything, but is that really possible in such situations? I guess it's how people perceive things and I shouldn't care about that(i.e. I tell someone i'm not a boat person when they are, they get insulted). Oh well, at least next time i'll have a past experience to draw from cause it's really too late to back out now.

Perhaps that's the reason that people make up so many excuses about things, so they don't hurt other people's feelings, even though their intent in the first place was never to do that. Of course, by lying maybe they make things worse because then the people might then think that the excuse is made up(which it usually is) and something actually is wrong. I also don't buy into this thing that "it's not where you are, but the people who are there that make the difference". If something isn't my cup of tea I don't want to be there, regardless of who is there. Let's do something that everyone can agree on.

I guess the answer is communication, understanding, honesty. I just wish people in general would hold these values more true. Any input would be greatly appreciated, and hopefully my message is written in some sort of coherant fashion, as I usually hope.

Willravel · 05-19-2006, 03:06 PM

Best move would have been to plan something as soon as you find out, and say you're busy. It's a bit late to back out now and not have it be really rude. Fake emergency is the only thing I can think of, but it's up to you whether that's something you think is morally right.

CaliLivChick · 05-19-2006, 03:06 PM

A couple questions, as I'm kinda going based on the title, because the body didn't really have a question in it, more like a situation...

Is your girlfriend going too? Since it's her friend's boyfriend's boat, is this a couple's weekend thing? If so, then I would discuss it with your girlfriend, because she may thinking about not going herself, or she may not want to go if you don't go (which could bum her out). If she's not going, then the following may apply:

If you hadn't already accepted the invitation, you could simply say "Thank you, but no thank you, I'm not really a boat person."

Since you've already accepted it, you could say, "You know, I've been thinking about this, and I don't really feel like going on a boat this weekend. Would it be okay if I bowed out of this trip?"

Personally, for me it would matter what kind of boat. If it's a sailboat, then I wouldn't really be interested. However if it's a houseboat (especially with a slide on the top that goes into the water), or a ski/speed boat, I'd be totally game, because those are party boats, especially with a group of people/friends.

MexicanOnABike · 05-19-2006, 03:07 PM

that is a hard one. just last weekend i said i'd go with my gf to see her parents out of town and i missed out a few parties and other important things. i couldnt get out because it's my gf plus i wanted to go but ya know... so i didnt ahve to look for an excuse but if i did, i'd be honest.

in your situation, can't you just tell your girlfriend to tell everyone else that you're sick or something else? or is telling your gf a problem? i dont think you should lie to her but to the other ppl, it shouldnt be a problem. thats how i feel about it.

good luck with all this!

Psycho Dad · 05-19-2006, 03:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blizzak

I said I'd go...i

Expect problems with the girlfriend to be a possibility now. She may still be planning on going, and if so she may not be too happy if you don't after saying that you would.

asaris · 05-19-2006, 05:43 PM

Yeah, it's one thing to say when invited "I'm sorry, I'm going to be busy this weekend" or even "I'm sorry, I'm not much of a boating person." But once you've committed, it's pretty rude to de-commit without a good reason.

Toaster126 · 05-19-2006, 07:23 PM

Once you say you are going, you go.

Next time, don't say you are going, make some other plans, and be happier.

Zeraph · 05-19-2006, 07:31 PM

Heh, I read that first line as "So I was invited to my girlfriend's boyfriend's boat this weekend" I'm like, you invited yourself and youre now afraid to be rude to yourself?

I generally agree with the above posters. You say youre going to go, you go. occationally other circumstances can change that. Really it's up to you. If you feel like declining, just do it. You only live once, don't waste it going to things you don't want to.

savvypup · 05-19-2006, 11:48 PM

You can't back out now. You said you'd go and you really should go. I learnt this lesson many, many years ago.

Any verbal invitation I get now would normally start with 'hey, what have you got planned for xyz?' and is usually quickly followed up by the standard 'oh that sounds good. I've got a feeling that I've got something on that weekend, but let me check and get back to you'. Works a charm ........... afterall I'm a busy person.

Or you could turn up and have an excuse, like you accidently double booked and can't stay too long. Have a good weekend!!

Plaid13 · 05-20-2006, 12:03 AM

Just tell them you developed a horrible bunny rabit phobia and you had a horrible encounter near your house now your too afraid to go outside anywhere you might have to cross the path of a bunny rabbit and that there was one of them gaurding your car. that or you could just say sorry i cant make it im just not feeling up to it.

tecoyah · 05-20-2006, 02:03 AM

There are times, when we must accept that the happiness of someone we care about needs to be foremost on the agenda. Its also important to consider the results of our descisions when doing something that can be painful to a significant other. If she is important to you, then something important to HER should not be brushed off, or avoided simply because you might not have a great time.
Change the mindset you have from one of "This is Gonna Suck"...to..."Who Knows...this could be a blast", and then make her happy. Brownie points are an important aspect to any relationship, earn 'em while you can.

Toaster126 · 05-20-2006, 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by savvypup

I've got a feeling that I've got something on that weekend, but let me check and get back to you'. Works a charm ........... afterall I'm a busy person.

Or you could turn up and have an excuse, like you accidently double booked and can't stay too long.

This works for those of us that don't pay very good attention and really do forget what we have planned as well. I use the "I don't remember what I'm doing" card a lot, but it's the truth.

maleficent · 05-20-2006, 07:20 AM

Quote:

But now that it's actually that time, I am kinda bleh about the whole thing. Mainly because I think you have to either be a boating person or not, and I'm pretty sure I'm not.

If you've never been on a boat, you don't know if you are or aren't a boating person... Try it you might like it...

Quote:

Also, it's the May 24 weekend, and there are several other get togethers that I am missing out on.

What's the better offer you are hoping for?

If you don't want to do something, you say so up front... You generally don't need an excuse, just I'd rather not thank you...telling a lie or making something up will probably only come backto bite you in the butt... and do what you want to do... You said you'd go, so it'd be rude to back out on that -- girlfriend or not... Once you RSVP to something, you go...

Sultana · 05-22-2006, 08:19 AM

Yes, once you've RSVP-ed go. Because you accepted that invite, someone else didn't get invited. Preparations have already been made for you, food may have been bought, etc.

As a hostess, very little annoys me more than people who cannot be bothered to attend an event that they've already Reserved a Place for. It's very rude.

On the other hand, if someone declines an invite right off the bat, that's not a problem.

Plus, what Tecoyah said!

Prince · 05-25-2006, 03:41 AM

I can't begin to tell you how many of my wife's friends' get-togethers I've tried hard to dodge. Sometimes it can be done, sometimes it can't. For me though it has to do with how much I despise those people as individuals, and not so much to do with where or when those get-togethers take place.

Your girlfriend will most likely blow a fuse if you back out now. Never known a woman who didn't.

sadeianlinguist · 05-25-2006, 07:46 AM

Go and have fun. Now you know not to say you'll go if you're not sure, don't you?

frogza · 05-25-2006, 08:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tecoyah

There are times, when we must accept that the happiness of someone we care about needs to be foremost on the agenda. Its also important to consider the results of our descisions when doing something that can be painful to a significant other. If she is important to you, then something important to HER should not be brushed off, or avoided simply because you might not have a great time.
Change the mindset you have from one of "This is Gonna Suck"...to..."Who Knows...this could be a blast", and then make her happy. Brownie points are an important aspect to any relationship, earn 'em while you can.

I couldn't agree more. Selfishness and relationships mix about as well as matches and gun powder.

blizzak · 05-30-2006, 11:19 PM

hee hee hee...
just thought I'd come back and give you all some closure. It was a decent weekend as I had imagined it would be. I was obviously psyching myself out and such but there's no doubt that I could have perhaps had a better time at home. It's okay though cause I had a fine time. The one major problem was that the weather sucked, so we didn't get to do as much cruising as we could, and didn't get to stay out on the water even one night because the winds were so high. It was a houseboat and was pretty cool.

Of course, because of the bad weather we mostly had to sit and play cards and board games all weekend. Why would you go up north to play cards?!? Even in bad weather up north there should be contingency plans that don't involve breaking out the board games. But oh well.

My issue is mostly the manner in which my girlfriend invited me, and the response I think I would have got if I told her I didn't want to go...for ANY reason. I think that's a trait of most girls though, to make things way too self conscious. Perhaps one of the things that I did value most was her happiness, as Tecoyah is mentioning, and that's one of the only reasons I went. Overall it was a good learning experience so I don't regret anything. Not to mention this guy's dad was really cool, and he told me about this awesome performance car racing day. So my dad and I are gonna take out his WRX and drive it with a bunch of other nice cars on a cool track. Wahoo!!!

CaliLivChick · 05-31-2006, 04:15 PM

So then you did get something valuable out of it... things happen for a reason, and this one happened to be the chance to have a great time with the cars. It's all in how you look at the situation, as you discovered. =)

05-19-2006, 02:51 PM	#1 (permalink)
blizzak Crazy	Is it possible to politely turn down invitations? So I was invited to my girlfriend's friend's boyfriend's boat this weekend and the invitation was sent several weeks ago. I said I'd go...in fact my girlfriend sent me an e-mail with the invitation and she said "My May 2-4 holiday is actually May 22nd (Monday). So everyone book it off!". But now that it's actually that time, I am kinda bleh about the whole thing. Mainly because I think you have to either be a boating person or not, and I'm pretty sure I'm not. Also, it's the May 24 weekend, and there are several other get togethers that I am missing out on. Now I'm not saying that I wasn't happy to be invited, but is it really so easy to turn down an invitation? I feel as though I was sorta forced into it, based off the original invitation and my girlfriend saying "So everyone book it off!". I don't wanna seem like a jerk or anything, but is that really possible in such situations? I guess it's how people perceive things and I shouldn't care about that(i.e. I tell someone i'm not a boat person when they are, they get insulted). Oh well, at least next time i'll have a past experience to draw from cause it's really too late to back out now. Perhaps that's the reason that people make up so many excuses about things, so they don't hurt other people's feelings, even though their intent in the first place was never to do that. Of course, by lying maybe they make things worse because then the people might then think that the excuse is made up(which it usually is) and something actually is wrong. I also don't buy into this thing that "it's not where you are, but the people who are there that make the difference". If something isn't my cup of tea I don't want to be there, regardless of who is there. Let's do something that everyone can agree on. I guess the answer is communication, understanding, honesty. I just wish people in general would hold these values more true. Any input would be greatly appreciated, and hopefully my message is written in some sort of coherant fashion, as I usually hope. __________________ Fueled by oxytocin!

05-19-2006, 03:06 PM	#3 (permalink)
CaliLivChick In Transition Location: Sanford, FL (between Daytona and Orlando)	A couple questions, as I'm kinda going based on the title, because the body didn't really have a question in it, more like a situation... Is your girlfriend going too? Since it's her friend's boyfriend's boat, is this a couple's weekend thing? If so, then I would discuss it with your girlfriend, because she may thinking about not going herself, or she may not want to go if you don't go (which could bum her out). If she's not going, then the following may apply: If you hadn't already accepted the invitation, you could simply say "Thank you, but no thank you, I'm not really a boat person." Since you've already accepted it, you could say, "You know, I've been thinking about this, and I don't really feel like going on a boat this weekend. Would it be okay if I bowed out of this trip?" Personally, for me it would matter what kind of boat. If it's a sailboat, then I wouldn't really be interested. However if it's a houseboat (especially with a slide on the top that goes into the water), or a ski/speed boat, I'd be totally game, because those are party boats, especially with a group of people/friends. __________________ Don't trust anything that can bleed for a week and not die. Oh wait, that's me... nevermind... you can trust me.

05-19-2006, 03:07 PM	#4 (permalink)
MexicanOnABike Location: up north	that is a hard one. just last weekend i said i'd go with my gf to see her parents out of town and i missed out a few parties and other important things. i couldnt get out because it's my gf plus i wanted to go but ya know... so i didnt ahve to look for an excuse but if i did, i'd be honest. in your situation, can't you just tell your girlfriend to tell everyone else that you're sick or something else? or is telling your gf a problem? i dont think you should lie to her but to the other ppl, it shouldnt be a problem. thats how i feel about it. good luck with all this! __________________ - Movie Reviews - Ratings-

05-19-2006, 05:43 PM	#6 (permalink)
asaris Mad Philosopher Location: Washington, DC	Yeah, it's one thing to say when invited "I'm sorry, I'm going to be busy this weekend" or even "I'm sorry, I'm not much of a boating person." But once you've committed, it's pretty rude to de-commit without a good reason. __________________ "Die Deutschen meinen, daß die Kraft sich in Härte und Grausamkeit offenbaren müsse, sie unterwerfen sich dann gerne und mit Bewunderung:[...]. Daß es Kraft giebt in der Milde und Stille, das glauben sie nicht leicht." "The Germans believe that power must reveal itself in hardness and cruelty and then submit themselves gladly and with admiration[...]. They do not believe readily that there is power in meekness and calm." -- Friedrich Nietzsche

05-19-2006, 07:23 PM	#7 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	Once you say you are going, you go. Next time, don't say you are going, make some other plans, and be happier. __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

05-19-2006, 03:06 PM	#2 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	Best move would have been to plan something as soon as you find out, and say you're busy. It's a bit late to back out now and not have it be really rude. Fake emergency is the only thing I can think of, but it's up to you whether that's something you think is morally right.

05-19-2006, 07:31 PM	#8 (permalink)
Zeraph Banned Location: The Cosmos	Heh, I read that first line as "So I was invited to my girlfriend's boyfriend's boat this weekend" I'm like, you invited yourself and youre now afraid to be rude to yourself? I generally agree with the above posters. You say youre going to go, you go. occationally other circumstances can change that. Really it's up to you. If you feel like declining, just do it. You only live once, don't waste it going to things you don't want to.

05-19-2006, 11:48 PM	#9 (permalink)
savvypup Crazy Location: Want to run away? Follow the light	You can't back out now. You said you'd go and you really should go. I learnt this lesson many, many years ago. Any verbal invitation I get now would normally start with 'hey, what have you got planned for xyz?' and is usually quickly followed up by the standard 'oh that sounds good. I've got a feeling that I've got something on that weekend, but let me check and get back to you'. Works a charm ........... afterall I'm a busy person. Or you could turn up and have an excuse, like you accidently double booked and can't stay too long. Have a good weekend!! __________________ ciao bella!

05-20-2006, 12:03 AM	#10 (permalink)
Plaid13 I want a Plaid crayon	Just tell them you developed a horrible bunny rabit phobia and you had a horrible encounter near your house now your too afraid to go outside anywhere you might have to cross the path of a bunny rabbit and that there was one of them gaurding your car. that or you could just say sorry i cant make it im just not feeling up to it.

05-20-2006, 02:03 AM	#11 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	There are times, when we must accept that the happiness of someone we care about needs to be foremost on the agenda. Its also important to consider the results of our descisions when doing something that can be painful to a significant other. If she is important to you, then something important to HER should not be brushed off, or avoided simply because you might not have a great time. Change the mindset you have from one of "This is Gonna Suck"...to..."Who Knows...this could be a blast", and then make her happy. Brownie points are an important aspect to any relationship, earn 'em while you can. __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

05-22-2006, 08:19 AM	#14 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	Yes, once you've RSVP-ed go. Because you accepted that invite, someone else didn't get invited. Preparations have already been made for you, food may have been bought, etc. As a hostess, very little annoys me more than people who cannot be bothered to attend an event that they've already Reserved a Place for. It's very rude. On the other hand, if someone declines an invite right off the bat, that's not a problem. Plus, what Tecoyah said! __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential. Last edited by Sultana; 05-22-2006 at 08:19 AM.. Reason: Spelling

05-25-2006, 03:41 AM	#15 (permalink)
Prince /nɑndəsˈkrɪpt/ Location: LV-426	I can't begin to tell you how many of my wife's friends' get-togethers I've tried hard to dodge. Sometimes it can be done, sometimes it can't. For me though it has to do with how much I despise those people as individuals, and not so much to do with where or when those get-togethers take place. Your girlfriend will most likely blow a fuse if you back out now. Never known a woman who didn't. __________________ Who is John Galt?

05-25-2006, 07:46 AM	#16 (permalink)
sadeianlinguist Upright Location: TN	Go and have fun. Now you know not to say you'll go if you're not sure, don't you? __________________ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

05-30-2006, 11:19 PM	#18 (permalink)
blizzak Crazy	hee hee hee... just thought I'd come back and give you all some closure. It was a decent weekend as I had imagined it would be. I was obviously psyching myself out and such but there's no doubt that I could have perhaps had a better time at home. It's okay though cause I had a fine time. The one major problem was that the weather sucked, so we didn't get to do as much cruising as we could, and didn't get to stay out on the water even one night because the winds were so high. It was a houseboat and was pretty cool. Of course, because of the bad weather we mostly had to sit and play cards and board games all weekend. Why would you go up north to play cards?!? Even in bad weather up north there should be contingency plans that don't involve breaking out the board games. But oh well. My issue is mostly the manner in which my girlfriend invited me, and the response I think I would have got if I told her I didn't want to go...for ANY reason. I think that's a trait of most girls though, to make things way too self conscious. Perhaps one of the things that I did value most was her happiness, as Tecoyah is mentioning, and that's one of the only reasons I went. Overall it was a good learning experience so I don't regret anything. Not to mention this guy's dad was really cool, and he told me about this awesome performance car racing day. So my dad and I are gonna take out his WRX and drive it with a bunch of other nice cars on a cool track. Wahoo!!! __________________ Fueled by oxytocin!

05-31-2006, 04:15 PM	#19 (permalink)
CaliLivChick In Transition Location: Sanford, FL (between Daytona and Orlando)	So then you did get something valuable out of it... things happen for a reason, and this one happened to be the chance to have a great time with the cars. It's all in how you look at the situation, as you discovered. =) __________________ Don't trust anything that can bleed for a week and not die. Oh wait, that's me... nevermind... you can trust me.