Life after Seperation - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

savvypup · 04-16-2006, 12:47 AM

Help Needed Everyone! Ok - here's a little insight, it's been a year and half since I seperated from my husband. We're still married and he's getting frustrated because we're both living in limbo. I'm in our house paying my way & I'm willing and able to buy him out should we decide to formalise everything. We have a beautiful 3 year old daughter who lives with me and maybe every second weekend goes and spends time with her dad. The reason for our seperation? - unfortunately I strayed and I feel totally stupid for doing so. Because of my guilt I cut myself off from many friends and family.

Anyways, here's my dilemma. I love him, but since this happened, I'm not sure if I want to get back together. I also think I may have missed my 'window of opportunity' to get back with him, and if I have, what do I do from here. I never thought I'd ever be in this situation, so I have no idea of where to start - finances, new relationships and friends etc.

Any guidance would be fantastic and very much appreciated.

Sage · 04-16-2006, 07:09 AM

Talk to your husband.

Talk to your husband.

Talk to your husband.

Do things TOGETHER, do it for your daughter, do it for your sanity. If you feel like you can't talk to him in a productive manner, go to a marriage counselor together. Sort things out for the sake of your daughter- a year and a half is wayy too long to be in "limbo." It smacks of not wanting to completely lose the "saftey net" that you have in your husband, not wanting that little two letter prefix to go on his current title. You're dancing around the issue, hoping that if you ignore it, it will eventually work itself out. Well, it won't. It might be a good idea for you to go to individual counseling as well, as you said you cut yourself off volentairly when you cheated. Make sure that you're sweeping out ALL the cobwebs, covering all the bases, and squaring yourself away to be as whole and as OK as possible.

Be pro-active. Nothing ever came from nothing.

savvypup · 04-18-2006, 02:11 AM

Thanks for the advice Sage. Since my post, my husband's asked to come over tomorrow night to discuss things, although I think it's not going to be good. We do have beautiful daughter and she really is the heart of us both, but I'm not one for staying together for the sake of a child. Don't get me wrong, I would never have considered having a child if we were on rocky ground and we weren't then. My parents stayed together until my brother & I were in the latter teenage years and the tension between them up until then was horrible.

You're right. I do feel safe in the current situation ..... to a degree. I don't want to make the wrong decision I guess, and at the moment, I feel whichever way will be wrong. That's a very daunting feeling.

Cynthetiq · 04-18-2006, 02:23 AM

forgive yourself.

forgive yourself.

forgive yourself.

Rule Three - There are no mistakes, only lessons. Your development towards wisdom is a process of experimentation, trial and error, so it's inevitable things will not always go to plan or turn out how you'd want. Compassion is the remedy for harsh judgement - of ourselves and others. Forgiveness is not only divine - it's also 'the act of erasing an emotional debt'. Behaving ethically, with integrity, and with humour - especially the ability to laugh at yourself and your own mishaps - are central to the perspective that 'mistakes' are simply lessons we must learn.

savvypup · 04-20-2006, 08:04 PM

Thanks - my husband said the same thing to me the other night when he came over for 'the talk'.

I want to forgive myself, but I'm embaressed by my actions. And I do now question myself as to whether I would go down that road again. I never thought I'd be tempted, and I was and I did.

This is a big lesson of which I need to take heed and learn from.

bluelou · 05-19-2006, 10:23 PM

Something must have bought about the "straying" in the first place? Was it a one off thing or was it have been something serious? Is the other person still in the picture? Have there been others since you seperated? These are all things you have to consider when you are trying to sort out your future. You shouldn't flay yourself over this..it happened, it's done, you can't take it back. You have to decide what's best for you now, the true friends will stick by you. If you and your husband decide to give it another go you just have to be careful that it's for the right reasons otherwise it could get very messy later! He has to do what's right for him and you have to do whats right for you first and foremost...even if that means letting him go. As for your daughter, this is a modern world and like it or not single parents are very much the norm, and not the pariahs of recent years...you can't be there for her if your not in the right place.

04-16-2006, 12:47 AM	#1 (permalink)
savvypup Crazy Location: Want to run away? Follow the light	Life after Seperation Help Needed Everyone! Ok - here's a little insight, it's been a year and half since I seperated from my husband. We're still married and he's getting frustrated because we're both living in limbo. I'm in our house paying my way & I'm willing and able to buy him out should we decide to formalise everything. We have a beautiful 3 year old daughter who lives with me and maybe every second weekend goes and spends time with her dad. The reason for our seperation? - unfortunately I strayed and I feel totally stupid for doing so. Because of my guilt I cut myself off from many friends and family. Anyways, here's my dilemma. I love him, but since this happened, I'm not sure if I want to get back together. I also think I may have missed my 'window of opportunity' to get back with him, and if I have, what do I do from here. I never thought I'd ever be in this situation, so I have no idea of where to start - finances, new relationships and friends etc. Any guidance would be fantastic and very much appreciated. __________________ ciao bella!

04-16-2006, 07:09 AM	#2 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Talk to your husband. Talk to your husband. Talk to your husband. Do things TOGETHER, do it for your daughter, do it for your sanity. If you feel like you can't talk to him in a productive manner, go to a marriage counselor together. Sort things out for the sake of your daughter- a year and a half is wayy too long to be in "limbo." It smacks of not wanting to completely lose the "saftey net" that you have in your husband, not wanting that little two letter prefix to go on his current title. You're dancing around the issue, hoping that if you ignore it, it will eventually work itself out. Well, it won't. It might be a good idea for you to go to individual counseling as well, as you said you cut yourself off volentairly when you cheated. Make sure that you're sweeping out ALL the cobwebs, covering all the bases, and squaring yourself away to be as whole and as OK as possible. Be pro-active. Nothing ever came from nothing. __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

04-18-2006, 02:11 AM	#3 (permalink)
savvypup Crazy Location: Want to run away? Follow the light	Thanks for the advice Sage. Since my post, my husband's asked to come over tomorrow night to discuss things, although I think it's not going to be good. We do have beautiful daughter and she really is the heart of us both, but I'm not one for staying together for the sake of a child. Don't get me wrong, I would never have considered having a child if we were on rocky ground and we weren't then. My parents stayed together until my brother & I were in the latter teenage years and the tension between them up until then was horrible. You're right. I do feel safe in the current situation ..... to a degree. I don't want to make the wrong decision I guess, and at the moment, I feel whichever way will be wrong. That's a very daunting feeling. __________________ ciao bella!

04-18-2006, 02:23 AM	#4 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	forgive yourself. forgive yourself. forgive yourself. Rule Three - There are no mistakes, only lessons. Your development towards wisdom is a process of experimentation, trial and error, so it's inevitable things will not always go to plan or turn out how you'd want. Compassion is the remedy for harsh judgement - of ourselves and others. Forgiveness is not only divine - it's also 'the act of erasing an emotional debt'. Behaving ethically, with integrity, and with humour - especially the ability to laugh at yourself and your own mishaps - are central to the perspective that 'mistakes' are simply lessons we must learn. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

04-20-2006, 08:04 PM	#5 (permalink)
savvypup Crazy Location: Want to run away? Follow the light	Thanks - my husband said the same thing to me the other night when he came over for 'the talk'. I want to forgive myself, but I'm embaressed by my actions. And I do now question myself as to whether I would go down that road again. I never thought I'd be tempted, and I was and I did. This is a big lesson of which I need to take heed and learn from. __________________ ciao bella!

05-19-2006, 10:23 PM	#6 (permalink)
bluelou Upright Location: Miami,Florida	Something must have bought about the "straying" in the first place? Was it a one off thing or was it have been something serious? Is the other person still in the picture? Have there been others since you seperated? These are all things you have to consider when you are trying to sort out your future. You shouldn't flay yourself over this..it happened, it's done, you can't take it back. You have to decide what's best for you now, the true friends will stick by you. If you and your husband decide to give it another go you just have to be careful that it's for the right reasons otherwise it could get very messy later! He has to do what's right for him and you have to do whats right for you first and foremost...even if that means letting him go. As for your daughter, this is a modern world and like it or not single parents are very much the norm, and not the pariahs of recent years...you can't be there for her if your not in the right place.