jth

I don't know if this is the right place to put this, anyway I need some advice. I'll give a little back ground.

I grew up in a small town in Nova Scotia Canada and around a tight group of friends. I can't speak for a lot of people but I know compared to most groups we were probably exceptionally tight friends. We always hung out together every day, especially weekends 9 times out of 10 at one specific home which was a central location. We all shared a lot of fun and grew up together and faced all the trials and tribulations of youth into adulthood.

One friend in partcular currently is depressed and contemplating suicide.

He never accepted change very well and has always had issues with drinking. He got most of it under control. He doesn't like to be told to do anything and despite his best intentions of wanting to be independant, he's not really and he has zero ambition, he doesn't know what he wants out of life other then money but doesn't want to work to get it nessesarily although all he does is work, more on that in a bit. He has trouble meeting new people, making friends despite being a good person. Anyway, lately a lot has changed. Over the last year, maybe 2 years all his friends have left home and moved, not just moved out of town but most of us don't even live in Nova Scotia anymore and myself whom he claims is his best friend has moved to Texas. Eventually he as well has to leave home in search of work just when he starts a really great relationship with a woman, which is where i believe the shit started.

She was another one of our friends ex's and it went down pretty hard. They started to see each other, and the former boyfriend did not take to it very well. It was low how it happened and this was known by the two of them, but it just happened. Either way, my depressed Friend was never happier in his life, he had a great girl, who was attentive to him and made him feel important. He never had a girlfriend before, a real one and so he was overly excited and feel for her to quickly. She was finishing school and now he had to move to the city to work.

About oh, 8 months has passed I guess and she's got 2 months left at school before moving to England. She pretty much refuses/makes up excuses not to see him. He has to travel to see her on bus for 3 hours if she lets him see her. He doesn't get the relationship is over, maybe he does now. It is messing him up.

He has started to drink again, claiming to me it's the only thing that makes him feel good, all other times he is depressed. He drinks alone in hs apartment because he knows no one in the City, even when one of our good friends came up he kind of brushed them off to drink. He came on MSN and confessed all of this to me.

I tried to encourage him to not drink so much, but I didn't want to nag him, everyone else in our circle has openly been concerned about the drinking and he always took it as some sort of attack on him. I was never around for any interventions and my relationship with him has always been me shooting straight from the hip and he generally listens to it. I don't feel like I can really help him online, it's not the same. I suggeste strongly, in fact made him promise me he'd get help from professionals so he can see that he's not 'worthless, stupid, akward, socially retarded' as he has claimed to be.

Few other notes.

He's not had an easy life. To be honest I think it was a matter of time before all the issues of his life have come back to haunt him and they are now. A broken home (Father left his mother and oldest brother, Mother remarried to a jerk who beat him and had a child with his mother, he left... poverty, emotional abuse, substance abuse as mentioned) the list really goes on and on.

I feel guilty that I cannot be there fore him although I know that's unfair to myself. I've always been there for my friends whenever they needed me (A few years ago I moved to Toronto for a friend who needed help, although in a different way). I've sacrificed a lot for my friends and would do it every day if I could... somehow I feel helpless in this situation.

Any advice would be great.

Peace

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"A real leader faces the music, even if he doesn't like the tune." - unknown quote

thingstodo

You might get more/better feedback if you put this in "Tilted Living" instead of here.

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If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves.

Stangers have the best candy.

amonkie

*Moved to tilted Living*


Professional help should definitely be encouraged - ask your friend how you can help... then do what he says.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Sage

This situation is way, way past the point that you could help him more that simply being supportive. He sounds like he is well on his way to being depressed and alcoholic. This is not your fault, or the fault of anyone else- you have your life, he has his. If you truly value him as a friend, I would greatly suggest seeking professional help in this matter- calling up his family, his old teachers, anyone who would care about his well being as you do and getting them to help. I say calling up other people simply because you're not there with him. By getting him professional help and perhaps even staging an intervention, you *are* helping him in the long run, even if it's not the type of help he immediately wants.

Best of luck.

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Rodney

There's not a lot you _can_ do. Keep shooting from the hip. Life has damaged him, and unfortunately it's mainly up to him to start listening to what people around him say. Is that fair or easy? No. But he has to deal. No one can do it for him.

That said, do try to rally any troops still back at home to help this guy. Keep the dialog open and _if_ you think it'd help, maybe schedule a visit. That's gonna cost ya, and it's probably too extravagant. On the other hand, if somebody keeps saying "I care, I care, this is what you should do" by email, and then actually bothers to travel 2000 miles to say it in person, maybe it could sink in that even though his friends are now distant, they really really care.

I don't know whether this is really wise or not. Might just be a useless gesture. But there are a couple of guys I would have done it for, 'way back when.

alinn

agreed with Rodney. Only other then I could think of is to create an environment where he would call you each day. This is the arrangement a friend of mine has with me as he has a problem with alcohol. This keeps it from feeling like me nagging him, and keeps him accountable.

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on the banister of life may all the splinters be pointed in the right direction...

jth

thanks for the advice.

Some of it is not really possible. I can't go see him, not until school is out and even then it depends on what I am doing over the summer. I might return home, I might work onboard a cruise ship. That would make it not possible. If I could go I would be there in a heartbeat.

I cant phone him or have him phone me. I only have a cell phone that is 'pay as i go' so international calls is insanely expensive and I have no income.

I have spoken to some other friends of ours but only 1 of the troop still lives in the province. Granted he's looking for work in the same city but that's the same friend that mentioned before, there is friction over the Girl. Although there is no need for it anymore, my depressed friend has blown it out in his mind thinking this other friend hates him.

I spoke to him yesterday on MSN and he seemed pretty much the same and at least not worse. He had gone back to our hometown over the weekend to see his SO and play hockey, at least he's trying to make himself feel better. I told him to talk to his doctor or something and he says he will, somehow I think he's just blowing smoke up my ass.

__________________
"A real leader faces the music, even if he doesn't like the tune." - unknown quote

BigBen

Woah, hold on.

Has your friend said this to you? If yes, this is where you stop typing, stop reading this post, and get a hold of somebody where your buddy lives and get him some help. What kind of help? The suicide hotline help kind. Professional help. Look online for TOLL-FREE lines to call, and then talk to someone. When your friend tells you that they are thinking about killing themselves, that is the time when everything stops, and the help starts. Don't worry, this post will be here when you get back. Go on now...

Back? Good.

Don't believe that there is nothing you can do. Fuck that. You can get information from your school counselling centre, you can contact his family, you can mail him a "Feel Better" card with a beer token to be redeemed for a night of drinking when you two get to the same city.

There is a drowning person, and you are standing at the dock. Do you have the stones to try and help? Can you look at yourself 20 years from now and say, "I did everything I could..."? I am telling you right now, you can do more.

Another important thing: Your buddy has opened up to you, and trusts you. Don't piss that away.

Don't worry about not being able to see him or talk to him. You can do alot from where you are. There is shit you can do, where you are and for free. Ask a professional for help. By professional, I mean someone in the medical community. Don't take "I can't help you" for an answer. Ask "Can you tell me who can?" and then go talk to THAT person. Explain that there is a suicidal person that reached out to you for help, and all you are trying to do is save their life. You don't want money, or fame. All you want is for your friend to live.

Do something. When you hit a wall, and there is nothing left, Do something more. Don't give up on this. That is not what friends do. Don't make excuses (distance, time, money). Take care of yourself first (study, eat properly, get some sleep, talk to people about YOUR problems) and then save someone's life.

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3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

jth

I have emailed him phone numbers and website addresses for dealing with his problems the day he told me how he was feeling. He's told that not in so many words but you know the language when you've worked with depressed people. I have no training but I know depression, i worked in a Mental Healt ward at a hospital as 'the guy that holds people down' or 'makes sure they don't hang themself' person. I've talked to him every day since, there is a line I can't go under because he can just sign off or take off whenever he doesn't want to talk about it. I don't want to force it on him. I've tried to reach other friends I know in the area, everyone that I know of is aware of the situation, I can't make anyone do anything in my position. I'm trying to get our friends to go see him on a daily basis because one of the problems is he knows no one in town and has no ambition or skills to meet new people and sits in his apartment watching TV, drinking and mulling over how terrible things are.

Beer tokens in the mail I don't think is a good idea if you're trying to stop an alcoholic from drinking.

His family knows, he told them he was depressed but only wants to talk to me about details. They've urged him to see a mental health professional as well.

In the end, I can do everything I can but I cannot throw him in the car and drive him to a doctor's office. I am not making excuses about distance, time or money those are facts. I have time for him, whenever he needs it he knows it. When I cannot afford my text books for class then it seems to venture that I can't go to see him. I have to do it online, it's the only way. Which sucks.

__________________
"A real leader faces the music, even if he doesn't like the tune." - unknown quote

BigBen

I just thought it might be an idea to keep a suicidal alcoholic alive.

Take care of yourself first, of course;

Looks like you are working hard at the situation.

Never give up. Never, never, never give up.

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3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

jth

I've been able to chat online with him every day this week which is a rarity because he hadn't hardly come on. He's spoken to professionals and he is feeling better about his situation but still is pretty dark. At least he's getting professional help which is something I am glad I seemed to urge him to do and I just hope he is on the right path to having an enjoyable life. At least he's not thinking suicide anymore, or so he says. Next step is to get him to stop drinking so much and maybe go out and meet some humans

one step at a time I guess

__________________
"A real leader faces the music, even if he doesn't like the tune." - unknown quote