ex-gf needs somebody to talk to, should I help? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Fob_Magi · 02-25-2006, 11:11 PM

-gone-

I have removed this post.

Sage · 02-26-2006, 02:30 AM

Woah Woah Woah....

Quote:

To be honest, my marriage isnt the strongest it has ever been, and I'm scared if I start talking to this girl I may fall back in love with her. Any advice on what I should do?

First of all, you need to figure out if you even want to be married. Being married does NOT mean that if you go and talk to someone you might "fall back in love with them." That's a very, very immature attitude towards relationships in general. You don't get married to the flavor of the week, you get married becuase you want to be with the person FOREVER. Either get that fully and completely understood or get a divorce NOW.

Secondly, NO DO NOT TALK TO THIS GIRL. Doubly so if it will put strain on your marriage. You're a big boy now, you have big boy responsibilities, you're married. Manda needs to learn she's a big girl too and can be a big girl all by herself. She's probably feeling like she needs someone to take care of her problems for her and decided to talk to you cause you have a soft spot for sob stories.

Manda sounds like the least of your problems. You're coming here to TFP, posting about the possibility of you falling back into love with someone who has a 3month old and a drug addiction??? And you're MARRIED??? You seriously need to have a sit-down with yourself and think about what's going on with you. Why did you get married? How long have you been married? How long were you with your wife before you got married? If she suddenly was struck ugly, would you still want to be married to her? You need to work on your own marriage before you try and solve anyone else's problems. You already have a woman in distress in your life- your wife. If you're not happy with your marriage, she probably isn't either, and it's your NUMBER 1 priority right now to get that straightened out. Whether that be more communication between you and your wife, counseling, or a divorce, you owe it to yourself and to her to be as open as possible.

And so no, don't talk to Manda. Let her grow up- it's the best thing you can do for her.

match000 · 02-26-2006, 03:43 AM

This is a very serious topic and I have no real experience or advice I can share.

But it seems like if you started talking to this girl, your life would go topsy-turvy, and would you really want that. I mean, you may not 'be happy' now, but that doesn't mean you'll be happier just by doing this. You'll probably end up much more unhappier.

Besides, I think it would be be really disrespectful to your wife, unless you discussed this with her.

highthief · 02-26-2006, 04:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sage

Woah Woah Woah....

First of all, you need to figure out if you even want to be married. Being married does NOT mean that if you go and talk to someone you might "fall back in love with them." That's a very, very immature attitude towards relationships in general. You don't get married to the flavor of the week, you get married becuase you want to be with the person FOREVER. Either get that fully and completely understood or get a divorce NOW.

Secondly, NO DO NOT TALK TO THIS GIRL. Doubly so if it will put strain on your marriage. You're a big boy now, you have big boy responsibilities, you're married. Manda needs to learn she's a big girl too and can be a big girl all by herself. She's probably feeling like she needs someone to take care of her problems for her and decided to talk to you cause you have a soft spot for sob stories.

Manda sounds like the least of your problems. You're coming here to TFP, posting about the possibility of you falling back into love with someone who has a 3month old and a drug addiction??? And you're MARRIED??? You seriously need to have a sit-down with yourself and think about what's going on with you. Why did you get married? How long have you been married? How long were you with your wife before you got married? If she suddenly was struck ugly, would you still want to be married to her? You need to work on your own marriage before you try and solve anyone else's problems. You already have a woman in distress in your life- your wife. If you're not happy with your marriage, she probably isn't either, and it's your NUMBER 1 priority right now to get that straightened out. Whether that be more communication between you and your wife, counseling, or a divorce, you owe it to yourself and to her to be as open as possible.

And so no, don't talk to Manda. Let her grow up- it's the best thing you can do for her.

Nothing to add, that's the gospel truth right there.

tecoyah · 02-26-2006, 04:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by highthief

Nothing to add, that's the gospel truth right there.

..............seconded............

DEI37 · 02-26-2006, 05:37 AM

....thirded...

I've been through some rough spots in my marriage too. We've got 'em ironed out, and it takes work. Deal with what you have to deal with everyday, NOT what you were wanting to get laid by a few years ago. It just isn't worth it.

martinguerre · 02-26-2006, 06:53 AM

Fourthed.

when i saw, the title...i thought, hey why not. Make sure that you had a clear idea how much time and energy you wanted to invest, so you didn't get caught propping up her life.

But a quote like that...there are issues to be worked out in your marriage, first and foremost. The world can wait.

ratbastid · 02-26-2006, 07:22 AM

If you would have to hide it from your wife, then absolutely not.

If your relationship with your wife isn't strong enough you could talk to her about it, then that's where to put your energy and attention.

In other words: "Fifthed".

jth · 02-26-2006, 07:25 AM

She's got a 3 month old baby, who knows what's going on in her mind thanks to that sort of change in her life that is an overreaction. She doesn't need to talk to you, she needs to talk to a professional who is not bias. Even if it's just one session with someone. You've not done anything to her, she was what 16 when you met and blew up because you were seeing someone? You didn't do anything to her, anything she did to herself was a concious effort on her part and would have done it either way.

You're relationship with your wife is more important to solve then her postpartum depression

6th'd

cj2112 · 02-26-2006, 07:32 AM

I think it's unanimous, Sage is on the money with her advice.

Poppinjay · 02-26-2006, 07:47 AM

8'thd. Though messing up your life helps pass the time.

Borla · 02-26-2006, 09:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratbastid

If you would have to hide it from your wife, then absolutely not.

If your relationship with your wife isn't strong enough you could talk to her about it, then that's where to put your energy and attention.

That was all I was going to add to Sage's advice.............

pig · 02-26-2006, 09:48 AM

i'm going to ninth or tenth that jazz...and i'm going to add that this might be a blessing. i don't think you have to be rude to the girl you knew years ago, but this could serve as a sign that you need to discuss your relationship / work things out / focus on your wife...and that you need to do it now.

shesus · 02-26-2006, 10:08 AM

Yep, I agree. Don't talk to this girl.
I'm also going to add that you shouldn't feel responsible for the choices that she made. Yes, you may have upset her, but you didn't push her to do drugs and sleep around. She was 16 and would've done this on her own with or without your influence. You shouldn't feel that you owe it to her. It sounds like you'd be talking to her because you feel guilty. However, think about what could happen to your life if you choose to open communications. Do you really want this choice to be responsible for your life being turned upside down?

noodle · 02-26-2006, 10:42 AM

Twelfthed, I think. My advice? NO.

My ex tried to help out his separated and soon-to-be exwife when she was stressed out about the other relationship she was in. I wasn't too worried because I knew we were good on our end. But she kept opening up wounds and throwing things back in his face. It only ended up being more hurt for him. And she did try to screw us up, but used more of what he said against him in custody stuff, I think. It really ends up hurting both parties because you have a person relying on you for their stress relief and/or resolving some issues from his/her past and it can affect the relationship with the person you're currently with. And yourself.

One just cannot be there for everyone else when there are other people and past emotional history involved. Does that make sense? Just no from me, sweetie.

Sage · 02-26-2006, 08:21 PM

I would also like to say I agree with what Pigglet said- this is a sign you need to work on your own marriage. I know that in my marriage I have had rough spots, but there is NOTHING that I would not talk to my husband about, and I know there's nothing he wouldn't talk about with me. This includes our past relationships.

Upon further reading your post, it doesn't really sound like you had a "relationship" with this girl at all. You were an ego boost to her when she was young and impressionable, and you had someone to talk to (perhaps while early on in your time at college). Your wife is RIGHT THERE, every day. You love each other (I hope), you are MARRIED. Your marriage should take #1 priority in your life, as there is no one else on earth you get into bed with every night (if there is, that's a problem for another thread).

NoSoup · 02-28-2006, 08:58 AM

15thed, or whatever.

Based only on what you said, I can't even imagine why you would consider talking to her at this point. I understand that at one point she was very important to you, but you haven't spoken in a long time. For her to suddenly approach you for emotional support is silly. If, in your mind, you think that there even a remote possibilty of falling in love with her, why would you consider it in the first place? Well, I take that back - if you and your wife aren't doing so well I suppose that probably contributed, but you should probably figure out what is going on with that and either strengthen your marriage or get divorced before taking on someone else's problems...

Fob_Magi · 03-01-2006, 07:32 PM

-gone-

I have removed this post.

Sage · 03-01-2006, 10:03 PM

Dude. You're not a "horrible husband." Being married doesn't mean completely ignoring the fact that there are other members of the oppisite sex floating around. It takes two to make a marriage, and if you and your wife are having problems, you BOTH have to work on them. No on here is saying you're a horrible husband, or your wife is a horrible wife. We just said "hey, it's not your place to provide thearapy to some girl you haven't talked to in six years."

Go, talk to your wife, put your marriage together the way it should be. Don't sit in the corner and sulk because things aren't all coming up roses- stop blaiming and start changing!

snowy · 03-02-2006, 03:31 AM

Also--you aren't to blame for her screwing her life up. People make these things called choices. Never, EVER blame yourself for the actions of another. Let go of that and move on.

And as Sage has said--marriage to someone is about a commitment to making it work through thick and thin. So go work on it.

02-25-2006, 11:11 PM	#1 (permalink)
Fob_Magi Psycho Location: Texas	post removed -gone- I have removed this post. __________________ Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward. Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both. For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven". Such is the Rule of Honor. Last edited by Fob_Magi; 07-09-2006 at 12:12 AM..

02-26-2006, 05:37 AM	#6 (permalink)
DEI37 Go faster! Location: Wisconsin	....thirded... I've been through some rough spots in my marriage too. We've got 'em ironed out, and it takes work. Deal with what you have to deal with everyday, NOT what you were wanting to get laid by a few years ago. It just isn't worth it. __________________ Generally speaking, if you were to get what you really deserve, you might be unpleasantly surprised.

02-26-2006, 06:53 AM	#7 (permalink)
martinguerre whosoever Location: New England	Fourthed. when i saw, the title...i thought, hey why not. Make sure that you had a clear idea how much time and energy you wanted to invest, so you didn't get caught propping up her life. But a quote like that...there are issues to be worked out in your marriage, first and foremost. The world can wait. __________________ For God so loved creation, that God sent God's only Son that whosoever believed should not perish, but have everlasting life. -John 3:16

02-26-2006, 07:25 AM	#9 (permalink)
jth Insane Location: HRM	She's got a 3 month old baby, who knows what's going on in her mind thanks to that sort of change in her life that is an overreaction. She doesn't need to talk to you, she needs to talk to a professional who is not bias. Even if it's just one session with someone. You've not done anything to her, she was what 16 when you met and blew up because you were seeing someone? You didn't do anything to her, anything she did to herself was a concious effort on her part and would have done it either way. You're relationship with your wife is more important to solve then her postpartum depression 6th'd __________________ "A real leader faces the music, even if he doesn't like the tune." - unknown quote

02-26-2006, 07:47 AM	#11 (permalink)
Poppinjay You had me at hello Location: DC/Coastal VA	8'thd. Though messing up your life helps pass the time. __________________ I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

02-26-2006, 03:43 AM	#3 (permalink)
match000 Psycho	This is a very serious topic and I have no real experience or advice I can share. But it seems like if you started talking to this girl, your life would go topsy-turvy, and would you really want that. I mean, you may not 'be happy' now, but that doesn't mean you'll be happier just by doing this. You'll probably end up much more unhappier. Besides, I think it would be be really disrespectful to your wife, unless you discussed this with her.

02-26-2006, 07:22 AM	#8 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	If you would have to hide it from your wife, then absolutely not. If your relationship with your wife isn't strong enough you could talk to her about it, then that's where to put your energy and attention. In other words: "Fifthed".

02-26-2006, 07:32 AM	#10 (permalink)
cj2112 Unbelievable Location: Grants Pass OR	I think it's unanimous, Sage is on the money with her advice.

02-26-2006, 09:48 AM	#13 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	i'm going to ninth or tenth that jazz...and i'm going to add that this might be a blessing. i don't think you have to be rude to the girl you knew years ago, but this could serve as a sign that you need to discuss your relationship / work things out / focus on your wife...and that you need to do it now. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

02-26-2006, 10:08 AM	#14 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	Yep, I agree. Don't talk to this girl. I'm also going to add that you shouldn't feel responsible for the choices that she made. Yes, you may have upset her, but you didn't push her to do drugs and sleep around. She was 16 and would've done this on her own with or without your influence. You shouldn't feel that you owe it to her. It sounds like you'd be talking to her because you feel guilty. However, think about what could happen to your life if you choose to open communications. Do you really want this choice to be responsible for your life being turned upside down? __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

02-26-2006, 08:21 PM	#16 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	I would also like to say I agree with what Pigglet said- this is a sign you need to work on your own marriage. I know that in my marriage I have had rough spots, but there is NOTHING that I would not talk to my husband about, and I know there's nothing he wouldn't talk about with me. This includes our past relationships. Upon further reading your post, it doesn't really sound like you had a "relationship" with this girl at all. You were an ego boost to her when she was young and impressionable, and you had someone to talk to (perhaps while early on in your time at college). Your wife is RIGHT THERE, every day. You love each other (I hope), you are MARRIED. Your marriage should take #1 priority in your life, as there is no one else on earth you get into bed with every night (if there is, that's a problem for another thread). __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

02-28-2006, 08:58 AM	#17 (permalink)
NoSoup Non-Rookie Location: Green Bay, WI	15thed, or whatever. Based only on what you said, I can't even imagine why you would consider talking to her at this point. I understand that at one point she was very important to you, but you haven't spoken in a long time. For her to suddenly approach you for emotional support is silly. If, in your mind, you think that there even a remote possibilty of falling in love with her, why would you consider it in the first place? Well, I take that back - if you and your wife aren't doing so well I suppose that probably contributed, but you should probably figure out what is going on with that and either strengthen your marriage or get divorced before taking on someone else's problems... __________________ I have an aura of reliability and good judgement. Just in case you were wondering...

03-01-2006, 07:32 PM	#18 (permalink)
Fob_Magi Psycho Location: Texas	-gone- I have removed this post. __________________ Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward. Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both. For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven". Such is the Rule of Honor. Last edited by Fob_Magi; 07-09-2006 at 12:13 AM..

03-01-2006, 10:03 PM	#19 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Dude. You're not a "horrible husband." Being married doesn't mean completely ignoring the fact that there are other members of the oppisite sex floating around. It takes two to make a marriage, and if you and your wife are having problems, you BOTH have to work on them. No on here is saying you're a horrible husband, or your wife is a horrible wife. We just said "hey, it's not your place to provide thearapy to some girl you haven't talked to in six years." Go, talk to your wife, put your marriage together the way it should be. Don't sit in the corner and sulk because things aren't all coming up roses- stop blaiming and start changing! __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

03-02-2006, 03:31 AM	#20 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	Also--you aren't to blame for her screwing her life up. People make these things called choices. Never, EVER blame yourself for the actions of another. Let go of that and move on. And as Sage has said--marriage to someone is about a commitment to making it work through thick and thin. So go work on it. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau