H12

I'm applying for the University of Tennessee, and I chose to do a personal statement to help my chances of getting enrolled. For the most part, I'd just like to have it reviewed over really quick 'cuz I've had problems getting help with my application, and it needs to be sent off tomorrow.

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I believe that I have what it takes to succeed at the University of Tennessee. I feel like I have good knowledge to share and utilize while on campus. I am also fairly certain that I have more maturity than many other students and friends of my age. I like to think I’m an enjoyable person to be around as well. For my personal statement, I'd like to try to convince you that I deserve to be enrolled in UT.
I feel like I am very intelligent. I had a 23 on my ACT the first time I took it. My friends often consider me as under-rated when it comes to knowledge and understanding. Teachers have often told me that I speak, act, and think better than I should for my age. With all that considered, although I’m undoubtedly no genius right now, I am ready to unleash what potential I have and become a good student at UT.
I truly think that, for my age, I have matured exceptionally well. I was raised in a loving and caring family that would allow nothing less from me. Teachers have praised me for my attitude while coaches have appreciated the dedication and effort I have given. I try hard to keep a respectable image to match my attitude, too. I truly think that I would represent UT very well and never become an embarrassment to your college’s good name.
I try my very hardest to be as great of a man as I can be for other people, and people appreciate it. I have been known to keep a friend from attempting suicide, and gained another friend the same way. My friends and acquaintances continuously tell me that I have a great sense of humor. I keep myself active and with people; I can be almost anywhere with a different group of friends every time. I have invited friends to come to UT games with me. I would also like to mention my Government teacher and football coach who has personally asked to be a reference; Mr. ---- ---- may be reached on his home phone (###-###-####) at anytime. It is my opinion that I am a very well-rounded person who is liked and respected by most of the people I see and talk to, which is a positive quality for everyone to have.
I realize that I'm not guaranteed to go to UT based on my credentials. However, I have realized that UT is the college I want to study under, and it would be my privilege if you would accept me. I have given my case that portrays my intelligence, represented my signs of maturity, and attempted to prove that I leave many people with a positive note every time I can. It is my deepest wish that you will allow me to be enrolled for the Fall 2004 semester.

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Does that look good and respectable, or too formal? Also, I have a 23 on my ACT and a 2.7 high school GPA; based on that, does anyone believe UT will accept me? Thanks in advance for any help.

__________________
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit."
--Aristotle

lordjeebus

I don't have time to go in depth, but you shouldn't include your ACT score in your essay - they'll know about it from your application anyway. Talk about something specific that shows how you've applied your intelligence to achieve something.

In general, it helps to talk less about what other people think of you and to spend more time talking about concrete things that can serve as evidence of the claims you make about yourself. What have you done that shows that you are mature/smart/dedicated? Perhaps you could expand on the suicide story. A well-embellished story that shows what kind of person you are is much more memorable than an list of your personal characteristics.

dimbulb

I tend to agree with lordjeebus.

You sound very hesitant in your personal statement. Be more confident!!!

Don't say " I would like to think that I am...... "
say " I am ......" then back it up!!!

for every claim that you make, back it up with a real example that shows this characteristic.

Perhaps you can talk about what you want to do with your UT degree.

Don't talk about how nice and mature of a person you are. If I were admitting a student, I wouldn't care too much about how nice he was. Now, what would be impressive is leadership abilities, and other characteristics that show that you would make a positive contribution to the UT community. Looks like you play football. Use that to your advantage. First of all, it shows that you are a team player, and that you have had a chance to show leadership. You have a life outside of the classroom.

You should ask your government teacher to write a letter of reccomendation for you. Does UT require letters of reference?

lastly, don't tell them that you are not confident of getting into UT.

This essay sounds very hesitant and apologetic. Tell it like it is, and don't hold back. Don't be arrogant either. Back everything you say with an example of what you did.

dimbulb

I believe that I have what it takes to succeed at the University of Tennessee. I feel like I have good knowledge to share and utilize while on campus.[ Tell us more about what knowledge you want to share.] I am also fairly certain that I have more maturity than many other students and friends of my age. I like to think I’m an enjoyable person to be around as well. For my personal statement, I'd[ do NOT use I’d in a formal essay. “I would” is much better…] like to try to convince you that I deserve to be enrolled in UT.

I feel like I am very intelligent. I had a 23 on my ACT the first time I took it. My friends often consider me as under-rated when it comes to knowledge and understanding. Teachers have often told me that I speak, act, and think better than I should for my age. With all that considered, although I’m undoubtedly no genius right now, I am ready to unleash what potential I have and become a good student at UT.[ I don’t like this paragraph. It sounds like you are trying to make excuses. Don’t tell them that you are no genius. Tell them why you are intelligent. Why are you under-rated? How have you gone out of your way to gain knowledge and understanding? Ask your teachers to write letters of reference.!!!]

I truly think that, for my age, I have matured exceptionally well. I was raised in a loving and caring family that would allow nothing less from me. Teachers have praised me for my attitude while coaches have appreciated the dedication and effort I have given. I try hard to keep a respectable image to match my attitude, too. [What sort of attitude? Work ethic? Work ethic is good. Try to think of a time when you showed dedication and effort. Preferably something well and beyond the call of duty] I truly think that I would represent UT very well and never become an embarrassment to your college’s good name.[ Don’t talk about embarrassing the college. Talk about enhancing the name of the college.]

I try my very hardest to be as great of a man as I can be for other people, and people appreciate it. I have been known to keep a friend from attempting suicide, and gained another friend the same way. My friends and acquaintances continuously tell me that I have a great sense of humor. I keep myself active and with people; I can be almost anywhere with a different group of friends every time. I have invited friends to come to UT games with me. I would also like to mention my Government teacher and football coach who has personally asked to be a reference; Mr. ---- ---- may be reached on his home phone (###-###-####) at anytime. It is my opinion that I am a very well-rounded person who is liked and respected by most of the people I see and talk to, which is a positive quality for everyone to have.

[Again, talk about leadership. Why do people respect you? I like the part about suicide counseling. Elaborate more about it. Don’t talk about going to the UT games. It doesn’t add anything. Unless perhaps to tell them about how much you love the school and its culture. ]


I realize that I'm not guaranteed to go to UT based on my credentials. However, I have realized that UT is the college I want to study under, and it would be my privilege if you would accept me. I have given my case that portrays my intelligence, represented my signs of maturity, and attempted to prove that I leave many people with a positive note every time I can. It is my deepest wish that you will allow me to be enrolled for the Fall 2004 semester

[I haven’t seen you present a case for your intelligence, or maturity. You say that you have those, but you haven’t given examples…. Its easy to state these things, but you need to back them up

I realize that you probably don’t know what you want to do with your life, or with your degree. That’s fine. I just graduated, and I still don’t have a very good idea. But if you do, it would be great to tell them about it. Or perhaps tell them that the diversity of people, interests, academic strengths at UT will help you decide.

What specifically about UT do you like. You say you like it,but why? ]

dimbulb

sorry if i sounded a bit harsh. Those were the thoughts that came into my head as I read the essay.

the essay doesn't sound formal enough. DO NOT DO NOT use" i'd
i'm don't that's" in formal writing.

I think that you could potentially make a very good case for yourself. Hope my comments helped....

irseg

Yep, contractions in formal writing are bad. Also, project more confidence. Enough with the "I believe", "I feel", "I think", etc. stuff. Like everyone else said, talk about your accomplishments and provide evidence to back them up.

On a side note, what the fuck is the point of those things anyway? How about "I want to pay this institution so I can attend its classes" for a personal statement? I don't have to write a persuasive essay to Wal-Mart explaining why they should sell me a case of motor oil..

lordjeebus

Well, if you have more applicants than spots, you're going to have to have some basis for selection. I think it's better to take a personal statement into consideration than to do it based on test-scores alone...

lordjeebus

One more comment on the essay:

It would be very advantageous for you to discuss aspects of UT that make you a "good fit" for the institution. That is, why do you want to go to UT out of all places? If it's your first choice, mention that too.

Universities tend to be more enthusiastic about students who are enthusiastic about them. It's good for their stats if a high percentage of accepted students end up attending.

RAGEAngel9

One thign that's gotten beaten into us at Purdue's engineering schools is ethics. So I recommend talking about ethics. This is different than being nice, so make sure you understand the difference.

glytch

You probably don't need to worry too much if you're applying to UT (just curious, the Knoxville campus?). They'll let anyone in, I'm living proof.

__________________
If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. - Mitch Hedberg

illesturban

you should really write about something that will catch their attention. I found that writing about a personal experience that greatly affected or influenced you really works well.

I read an example of one when I was in the application process of a guy who wrote about being homosexual and how it affected his life and the struggles he had to go through. You'd think colleges wouldn't want to know this stuff but he got admitted to a big-time school; I can't remember which one it was.

Bottom line, make yourself stand out. They don't necessarily want to know that you think you are smart enough or have good enough ACT scores; they want to know what you can bring to their university.

Good luck and stick with it, I know this process really sucks a lot.

Oh and is "c-town tennessee" collierville? That's the only C I can think of in TN, and i know it's a suburb of Memphis; my cousin lives there.

glytch

My guess is that "c-town" is Chattanooga, maybe.

__________________
If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. - Mitch Hedberg

H12

You and glytch both are thinkin' of cities that are MUCH bigger than where I'm at. Think "Dale Hollow Dam" for some overly-obvious help.



As for my personal statement, I sent it off earlier than I wanted to to make sure it got there...and because of that, I hardly used anyone's advice here (sorry to everybody who really tried to help me here, I'm gonna use that help for MTSU if I don't get into UT). I did fix all of my contractions though and elaborated more on the suicide-counseling, as well as become more confident-sounding with more "I am"'s than the other things I said. I'll let everyone know how it went if I get accepted or not.

__________________
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit."
--Aristotle

wilbjammin

I would never using these following phrases in any paper ever, unless there is absolutely no way around it:

"I believe" "I think" "I feel like" etc... they are all apologetic. Write confidently. Think as you write "they people need to know what I know, which is that I belong in their school." I understand that we all put those in because it is typically a part of verbal communication. Written works have different standards, we can eliminate those phrases or change them so that they don't sound like excuses for giving opinions.

It isn't your opinion that you're a well-rounded person. You are a well-rounded person. Get it? Edit that kind of language out and you'll have more room for substance, and you'll sound much more like a real go-getter.

__________________
Innominate.