Dingo2879

This is mine

A grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender looks him up and down and says "Hey, I have a drink named after you" the grasshopper responds looking puzzled "really, you have a drink named Steve?"

shadrock

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices a steering wheel in his crotch and asks what its for. The pirate says, "Arrr, its drivin' me nuts!"

[Thump, thump, thump] Is this thing on?

matthew330

For whatever reason

"What would happen if you cut off your left side?"

"You'd be allright"

I just see this becoming an extension of "post your one-liners here" with every joke preceded by "this is mine:"

ngdawg

What'd Cinderella say when she got to the ball?












*GGGAAAGGG*

Mantus

My new all time favorite, thanks to this forum:

How many misogynists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. You leave the bitch to cook in the dark.


My past favorite was:

What do you call a mushroom that walks into a bar and buys everyone a drink?

A fun-guy.

MageB420666

My favorite:

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but god knows how they got in there.

__________________
Apathy: The best outlook this side of I don't give a damn.

ngdawg

How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



Let's go swimming!!!

reverendjay

Two blueberry muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Boy, it sure his getting hot in here."

The other muffin goes "Holy Shit a talking muffin!!"

__________________
I'm married now, so the only thing in my house that pulls out now is the couch.

joystick

So these two rednecks are walking down the road when they see a dog licking his "privates" One redneck says to the other "Boy I wish I could do that." The other 'neck replies "Boy...you better pet 'im first."

__________________
Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill in the same night.

TwoToTango

Not necessarily my favorite, but definitely my
favorite 2-liner (which seems to be the pattern
here)...

Q: What's the difference between feminists and
sumo wrestlers?

A: Sumo wrestlers shave their legs.

cameroncrazy822

**NO DEAD BABY JOKES!!!!!!**

Thanks for censoring my freedom of speech!

The Phenomenon

Nasty one, likely to offend I guess so forgive me please:

Q: What does the blind, deaf and mute child get for Christmas?

A: [Highlight if you don't know a kid like that]Cancer

onetime2

I joined a couple of friends for a weekly poker game they had been holding for years and one of the guys in the game (who I didn't know) said the same thing when the host's dog started doing it. I told him "If you ask him maybe he'll let you." Everyone cracked up and this guy got pissed. I thought it would end in a fight by the end of the night but it didn't.

Anyway, I assume this is my favorite since it's one of only a couple I remember from my youth:

There was a mom and dad with three kids. The dad was a big time gun buff and had bought all three kids bb guns. The mom was in a rush one night making dinner and in a real bad mood. While making the mashed potatoes she accidentally knocked over a box of bb's on the shelf above where she was working. Some fell into the bowl without her noticing. As the father ate dinner he commented about how lumpy the potatoes were and the mother snapped at him. Not wanting to piss her off any further the four of them just ate the potatoes and went on their way.

The next day the youngest kid comes running to his mom crying "Mommy, mommy I went to the bathroom and a bb came out!" She comforted him and said not to worry about it but let her know if it happens again.

A little while later the second kid comes running in saying the same thing. Again, she comforts her child and sends him on his way. She's now starting to get a little worried.

Now, the third kid comes running in. "Mommy, mommy guess what!?!"

She replies: " I know, you went to the bathroom and a bb came out. Right?"

"Ummm, no. I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

__________________
Strive to be more curious than ignorant.

2sheds

^^too funny!^^

a guy walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head...

the doctor says, "what seems to be the problem?"

the frog says " i dunno, it started with a bump on my ass!"

(courtesy - gene simmons!)

__________________
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm. It’s having an empty beer bottle but no one to throw it at.

JustDisGuy

This one's kind of a sight-gag, and also requires special attention to the narrative voice to play well.

A guy walks into the Nineteenth Hole at his local golf club.

*in a raspy, larynx swallowing voice* "Hey bartender - gimme a beer"

Bartender: *motioning the twist-off cap and handing over the beer* "What the hell happened to you?"

Golfer:*voice* "You know the fifth hole? How it runs along that farmer's field?"

Bartender: "Yeah."

Golfer: *voice* "Well, I sliced my ball into the field. I went in to find it, and there was this lady in there looking for her ball. There was cows and cow shit everywhere, and when I walked past this one cow, I noticed a golf ball lodged in its ass. It was a Titleist. I was shooting TopFlite, so I says *motions the tail lift with one hand and points at the cow's ass with the other* "Hey lady! Look like yours?"

*motions horizontal hacking motion at his own throat* "Five-iron, right here!"

--

That one is way funnier in person, but it's still my favorite joke so I had to share.

__________________
"Act as if the future of the universe depends on what you do, while laughing at yourself for thinking that your actions make any difference."

CoachAlan

That is so wrong that it took me a good 15 seconds before I was able to really start laughing. Nice work!

__________________
"If I cannot smoke cigars in heaven, I shall not go!"
- Mark Twain

Manuel Hong

What did the Buddist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything"

__________________
Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)

Manuel Hong

what did the fish say when he hit a wall?

"Dam"

__________________
Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)

Manuel Hong

what's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he hits a windshield?

his ass

__________________
Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)

radioguy

I have a couple along the same lines.

Why can't witches have babies??

their husbands have hollow weenies!!!

Why can't fortune tellers have babies??

thier husbands have crystal balls!!!

trevlya006

heres some good ones...

sorry dont want to offend anyone

__________________
"Untill all that is different around you, you will be different"

read about my situation Here!

and always check back because i update it all the time

gcbrowni

Baby seal runs in to a club ...

__________________
From the day of his birth Gilgamesh was called by name.

Willravel

^I have a new favorite joke.^

This was the spot of a fantastic dead baby joke. If you are interested in getting the joke, please PM me and I'll be glad to send it over.

trevlya006

^and i have a new favorite joke^

HAHAAHAHAAHAHAAH

__________________
"Untill all that is different around you, you will be different"

read about my situation Here!

and always check back because i update it all the time

trevlya006

horse walks into a bar..

bartender says "hey, whats with the long face?"

or
2 asians walk into a bar.. 2 weeks later they own it! (from Dat Phan)

__________________
"Untill all that is different around you, you will be different"

read about my situation Here!

and always check back because i update it all the time

analog

MikeyChalupa

Some kids were standing around a playground talking about their classmate Stevie.

One says "Hey, Stevie got to go to Disneyworld last month."
Another says "Last week Stevie got to meet the New York Yankees."
A third says "I heard they're even making a MOVIE about Stevie!"
A fourth says "Stevie's so lucky. I wish I had Leukemia."

-Mikey

Unleashed

What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the car?

"Robin, get in the car."

Sorry.

Willravel

I don't see the point of this thread without dead baby jokes.
It's okay to say
"Q: What does the blind, deaf and mute child get for Christmas?
A: Cancer"
(awesome joke btw, one of the funniest I've ever read)
but darn if you tell a good dead baby joke, it's getting erased.
I guess I just feel that jokes and appropriateness are in the eye of the beholder.

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says. "I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.
"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

analog

The rules for the humor board, since I guess some of you couldn't be bothered to read them:

UglyFatRetard

So apearntly the guys in the army back in vietnam werent allowed to have sex with the hookers, but as you can imagine most did.

so one day a recruit goes in to the army nurse station with a STD and waits to see a doctor.

when the doctor finally comes in the recruit says, " doc, i think somthin is wrong with my foot."
to which the doctor replies, "oh? and what seems to be the problem?"

the recruit replies, "well my dick won't quit dripping on it!"

DJ Happy

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

cameroncrazy822

Thanks, it was adverse to the censored guidelines however. I missed it but surely wouldn't want to tell a JOKE that may offend someone. I have a child of my own and certainly don't find crib death or death in general funny. This was a joke however. Not reality but a joke. I was incorrect though in posting as my post did break the censorship rules. I apologize if I offended someone. If the rules were to not offend people in general there would be very few jokes indeed. My bad!

cameroncrazy822

If taken literally most ALL jokes offend someone. Why stop with dead baby jokes and pedophiles... what about Italian, Irish, Lawyer jokes, etc. I guess it's more acceptable to offend those groups. As I said I didn't read the rules and that was my fault.

cameroncrazy822

Absolutely. I guess though that it's the my ball and if you don't play by my rules I'll take it home with me syndrome. It was my bad for going against the rules and again apologize if I offended anyone by my mistake. I will play by the rules from now on.

analog

Every once in a while we go through this. I KNOW they're just jokes. That doesn't change the rules, the rules are there for a reason, and we must follow them. I didn't yell at anyone, so you can all feel better now, ok?

warrrreagl

I have two (can't decide, damnit):

1) An Irishman walks out of a bar.

or

2) Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?
A: Because his wife's dead.

__________________
Living is easy with eyes closed.

Acetylene

This is a private forum and freedom of speech does not apply here. The freedom of speech laws protect us only from the government, not from online forum moderators. If analog wants, he can esare every word with the letter E, simply because a letter E once beat him up as a kid.

My favorite joke is not funny at all. The humor lies in how you can use the joke later (describe anything as really fine, Mrs. Preski, and iit takes on new meaning):

Mrs. Preski is on a game show. She has won the yaught, the kitchen set, and the hawaiian vacation. Then the announcer asks her is she wants to bet it all against what's in door number 4. Naturally, she does. The door opens, and inside is a plastic garbage bag full of shit.

Mrs. Preski says, "But...it's just a bag of shit!"

and the announcer says, ""But its a really FINE bag of shit, Mrs. Preski!"

__________________
There's no justice. There's just us.

ultra_agent9

A businessman walks into the VIP lounge at the airport and happens to notice Bill Gates sitting at the bar awaiting his flight. He gathers up his courage and approaches Mr Gates and says, "I'm sorry to disturb you Mr Gates but I'm a really big fan of yours and I would really like to ask a small favor from you." Bill Gates replies that he is a very busy man but asks what the favor is. The businessman explains that he is waiting for a very important business client and if Bill Gates could just stop by before boarding his flight and say hello to him. It would mean so much to him and the client would surely be very impressed. Mr Gates thinks about it and says he'll see what he can do.

Soon, the businessmans client arrives and they take a seat at one of the plush lounges to discuss their business. Sure enough, before boarding his jet, Bill Gates walks over to the businessman and says, "Peter, How are you? How's the wife and kids?" The Businessman turns to him with an irritated look on his face and says, "Fuck off Bill! Can't you see I'm in a meeting?!"

__________________
Champaigne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.

analog

But seriously, it's not me. It's the rules of the board, i'm just enforcing them.