uncle phil

Two Appalachian Americans, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
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"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
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never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

LordEden

That's awesome, thanks phil.

__________________
Vice-President of the CinnamonGirl Fan Club - The Meat of the Zombiesquirrel and CinnamonGirl Sandwich

DaveOrion

Ha, Funny

__________________
Syriana...have you ever tried liquid MDMA?....Liquid MDMA? No....Arash, when you wanna do this?.....After prayer...

Idyllic

So Cute.....

There is a problem here though, you see a true redneck would never own a Weed Wacker to begin with, this guy "larry" is an informer or spy.......

a) rednecks would NEVER waste good beer money on a non-multi tasker... this is why we have push mowers, we can tilt them to get the edges and the edges we can't get, fuck'em...... not to mention the weed wacker's have a tendency to completely ruin the tires on our 12+ non functioning cars half covered by high grass, it's all about aesthetics, we just say no to weed wackers.

b) the word weed wacker to a red neck immediately causes revolt issues, cause ain't nobody gonna be wacken my weed...... I intend on smoken' that shit, thank you very much.

c) If we really felt we had a yard problem we'd just buy a goat, less work and free milk and cheese, not to mention..... never mind.

d) rednecks really don't care about their lawns to begin with...... call us queer, odd, whatever, but we would rather use the motor to upgrade the fans permanently fixed to our windows.

Lastly, it would be a real injustice to make our lawns look better than our trailers, so we would first have to fix our trailers before we fixed our lawns, and that just ain't gonna happen, not to mention, it's just not safe to use things that can cut you while your drunk or stoned, see we're pretty mart after all, ain't we........

p.s. I don't think those things actually "eat" the weeds, they just spit' em out.... and don't get me started on what they do to sand-spurs.

__________________
you can tell them all you want but it won't matter until they think it does

p.s. I contradict my contradictions, with or without intention, sometimes.

uncle phil

i am humbly enlightened...

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

DaveOrion

Oh shit, my internet connection is cutting out, I think I forgot to pay the bill, buying beer was much more important at the time! Thank God the flood washed away that car that was sitting on blocks in my yard, unfortunately it also washed away my crop of weed, just got em started to, & it killed my goat!

The bright side is that it also washed away my lawn that was 3 feet high & my trailer too, yeeha!! I aint got nuttin to worry bout now!

P.S. Only Southerners can make fun of other Southerners lest we might take offense at you uptight, snobbish, know it all, over educated Yankee bastards.
Idyllic is a fine upstanding Southern Bell so its all good.

Disclaimer: This is a joke & should only be taken as such. Any similarity to actual Northern or Southern type folks is purely coincidental and should only be taken as stereotypical humor.

__________________
Syriana...have you ever tried liquid MDMA?....Liquid MDMA? No....Arash, when you wanna do this?.....After prayer...

Idyllic

rotfflmao....

Oh Dave, You just made my mudders day....... Shit, ya'll see I done went and forgot to put my teeth in again, where the hell did I put that damn spittoon anyways I'm pretty sure they followed that last line of skoal wash.

btw, you can sleep in my tent, its set up in the front yard, and I'm already cookin this dead goat I found on a homemade radiator grill, somebody musta throwd it away, ya know what they say tho, nother mans trash, is always some'em I can fix and use anyway.

God I miss the south! I just want to go home and be with my redneck friends.

p.s. I didn't think your stereo was funny, it had an 8-track player just like we like'em, hows bout some CCR my bullfrog friend? And legs later? yum

__________________
you can tell them all you want but it won't matter until they think it does

p.s. I contradict my contradictions, with or without intention, sometimes.

DaveOrion

I wike U, (in a friendly, non-sexual kinda way) although sex isnt completely outta the question, is it?

__________________
Syriana...have you ever tried liquid MDMA?....Liquid MDMA? No....Arash, when you wanna do this?.....After prayer...

Idyllic

And so I pear into the mirror naked and think Nope, no sir-e.... not possible until this old broad feels her oats again, it'll happen, one day the oats thing, not so much the sex, then again......
I was once known as pretty fetching in my youth.

__________________
you can tell them all you want but it won't matter until they think it does

p.s. I contradict my contradictions, with or without intention, sometimes.

Moyaboy

That's great! Phil!

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"With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion."
- Steven Weinberg

DaveOrion

I bet you are quite fetching & havent missed a beat.

__________________
Syriana...have you ever tried liquid MDMA?....Liquid MDMA? No....Arash, when you wanna do this?.....After prayer...