maleficent

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ''like it that way.''
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of ''Sweating to the Oldies'' over climactic parts of rental movies. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ''Do you hear that?'' ''What?'' ''Never mind, it's gone now.''
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce ''No, wait, I messed it up!'' and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog ''Dog.''
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ''real hoot''.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off ''in case the big one comes''.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as ''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to ''interface'' with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ''superior mental processing.''
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant ''swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!''
* Finish all your sentences with the words ''in accordance with prophesy.''
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture''.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate ''crop circles'' in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend ''tricorder'' and ''scan'' people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

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Charlatan

* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. We used to peel the metal strips out of Library books and then slip them into peoples knapsacks... it was great fun to watch them set off the alarm and then find no books... go through again and set off the alarm... repeat.

* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. We used to do this... it was very funny to watch drivers roll to a stop and then go around. No sign of construction but the power of the orange cone overcomes all!

* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as ''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr. Rogers theme song. yeah... thanks for that. Now it's stuck in my head.

* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. Doesn't everyone?

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

maleficent

I've found that Shari Lewis's This is the song that doesn't end... to be quite effective...
you're supposed to take them down? Ladders are scary - you put them up once and leave them up.. they are so festive.. and if the lights burn out - just put more up...

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Siege

I must say that this one would be hilarious

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"Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek"

--Kevin Smith

This part just makes my posts easier to find

maleficent

back in the years i worked as a store manager in retail... I had a theft detector as my keychain...

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God of Thunder

* Drum on every available surface. I already do this, it's very annoying.

* Sing the Batman theme incessantly. I do this as well. I'm beginning to see a bad pattern.

* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. That one cracked me up, I may try it in the future.

* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as ''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr. Rogers theme song. I had a co-worker who used to whistle, but no tune in particular. His reasoning was that it drove people nuts trying to figure out what he was whistling.

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I reject your reality, and substitute my own

-- Adam Savage

guthmund

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

After reading that one...I strongly suspect this list was put together by my sister....

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Or maybe my boss....

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No signature. None. Seriously.

cellophanedeity

* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ''superior mental processing.''

Most definitely my favourite! Very cute Mal.

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who am I to refuse the universe?
-Leonard Cohen, Beautiful Losers

Charlatan

/me sprays Lysol on the Forum after Cellophanedeity posts...

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Redlemon

Back in the mid-80s, I would tape the Dr. Demento show late at night, then listen to it the next day. Since I had one of those two-deck boom boxes with high-speed dubbing, I would 'dub', but put the second tape on pause, so I could listen to the show more quickly.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

Martian

* Drum on every available surface.

* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

* Never make eye contact.

* Never break eye contact.

* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

* Make appointments for the 31st of September.

* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

All things that I do or have done in the past. I particularly enjoyed the September 31 (actually, I used June 31 but it's the same deal). A girl who I was very not interested in asked me to go bar-hopping with her some time.. I told her the next night I had free was June 31 and that she should call me that night. She said okay and we parted ways... I'm guessing it sunk in later, since I never heard from her after that.

Good list.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Siege

I once told someone my birthday was February 30th. I had them going for a while.

__________________
"Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek"

--Kevin Smith

This part just makes my posts easier to find

Dilbert1234567

Back in high school, a friend of mine worked at the library, I would bring in as many security strips as I could find, and he would charge them, I’d sneak them into back packs all the time and into teacher’s pockets too, that was hard, but very rewarding.

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Donate Blood!

"Love is not finding the perfect person, but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." -Sam Keen