The Longest Thread Ever!

[skier]

My boyfriend came up to visit me for the weekend, and I drove him to the train station today to see him off. We got there really early and sat around waiting and talking and slowly getting used to leaving each other again, until the train pulled into the station. We went up on the platform, and the doors opened, and the conductor came and stood right outside the door, which was less than 3 feet away from where we were standing.

We quickly murmured our love and goodbyes and he leaned in to kiss me. My eyes closed, I breathed deeply into the kiss trying to hold onto the feeling of his lips. I knew I would lose it the second he was gone, it's one of those things in life that is too good to be able to recreate in your mind.


We looked up, less than a minute later, to see the train pulling out of the station. We ran alongside it, banging on the door, but it didn't stop. The damn conductor didn't even warn us or anything before getting back on and closing the doors.


Fuck you, LIRR. Fuck you for ruining one of the few true romantic movie moments in my life...

[skier]

What the difference between Pork and Beans and Beenie Weenies?

They are both made by VanDeCamp and they both have the same description on the label. As far as I can tell the only differece is that Pork and Beans are $.69 for 8oz while Beenie Weenies are $1.35 for 7.7oz. Whoever does marketing at VanDeCamps is a smart man.


Kids love the word weenie.

[skier]

Walking past the candle store in the mall today, I realized something: if someone were to set fire to that store, the whole mall would probably smell really freaking good.

[skier]

I've been crossing my eyes a lot and referring to myself as "Bernie Mac" when I do. Have you seen his show?
It's become such a habit that my g/f is threatening to cut me off sexually if I do it any more.

[skier]

Walking into the brewpub last night, my favourite barmaid Janine looks extremely grateful to see me, which should have tipped me off, but didn't.

Nine guys arrayed around the bar, all giving Janine their undivided lust and ribbing her mercilessly.


I gleefully join in, until I notice that this normally-unperturbable woman is really shaken up.


But that wasn't until after I had delivered a few bon mots, like "Hey! There's nine of us and one of her -- let's lock the door and grab her!"

[skier]

tales from the farm, part 3

working over the summer because my grandpa paid cash and i was too lazy to get a "real" job.

so there i am, cleaning manure out of the cow corrals with a tractor; dumping the shit into a dumptruck and hauling it out to the fields, tons at a time.

the back of the dumptruck has a T-bar locking the doors in place, but the shit has jammed against the doors, so i'm swinging with a metal pipe to break it loose.

the T-bar finally gives way, and the doors fly open behind the force of nearly 2000lbs of cowshit. i jumped back, and the T-bar went whizzing by my face, grazing my cheek.

had it not been for my fast reflexes, i would no-doubt have been rendered unconscious, partially or completely buried in brown goop.

and you think YOUR job sucks...

[skier]

Somebody (probably me) had made too many long-distance phone calls from the computer lab where I work at my college, so they took the phone out.

They didn't disconnect it though. A couple of times I've seen this guy come in with a phone, plug it in, and talk on it. He does this late at night. Weird.

[skier]

Me: Hey man, I'm gonna order a pizza, if you want some come on over.

Friend: Can you get olives, and I'm in the next room just got down fucking your sister.


Me: Ask her what toppings she wants.

[skier]

I just finished a project at work that entailed writing banner ads to increase soap opera viewership.

F1

"Ben will use anything to try and win Carly's affection."


F2

"Even Mitzi."


It doesn't get any lower than that.

I'm so ashamed.

[skier]

I jerked off into a bathtowel earlier today and left it by my computer. My mom got home from work about an hour later and I swung around in my chair to greet her.
We began talking about our day's activities. Then the lights dimmed. Imagine a western-film showdown: I saw the towel out of the corner of my eye, and I saw her see it too. Being the mother she is, she proceeded to come pick it up thinking I had just innocently left it on the floor. I swooped in for the kill and grabbed it before she did and said "I got it."


Boy that was akward.

[skier]

Would you rather have blood in your semen, or semen in your blood?

Yup, it's a real thinker.

[skier]

As my two friend and I are driving on our way to the nearest lake a blotch of red diverts our attention. As we pass by it my two friends yell, "A hat!" We pull a quick U-turn on the busy highway narrowly being missed by oncoming traffic. We pull over onto the shoulder where the hat rests. My friend in the back seat darts out and grabs it and hops back in. "Cool, another addition to my hat collection. It even has an apple on it!", he says as he puts the dirty, broken in hat onto his head.

[skier]

There is a guy at my school who is comfortable enough with himself to wear girls pants. The thing is it turns me on so bad. I told him if he put on a pair of my pants (yes we're the same size, my pants are a little long on me but i wear a 27) i wouldn't be able to stop myself from ripping them off and banging him. He thinks i'm joking.

Problem is i'm so not. I want him so bad.

[skier]

Brilliant stoned idea #851:

You get thirty sets of identical twins, and have them sit in bleachers--one twin per bleacher set (so that you have two identical bleachers filled with identical people)...and then you play LIFE SIZE GUESS WHO!!!


Oh, man. I love myself.

[skier]

He stopped thrusting and got really quiet. After a puzzling couple minutes of silence, I asked him what he was thinking about.

"My mind is kind of stuck on that "less is more is none" thing now.


If less is more, and less than less is, in fact none, than by progressing along the logical continuation, "none" is actually "the most". But "none" is also the absence of any at all, which is intrinsically necessary for "the most" to exist."


He lapsed back into thoughtful silence. I sighed and reached down to start rubbing my own clit.

[skier]

He bends me over the kitchen counter and begins to pummel my ass like there is no tomorrow. We're moaning and sweating and screaming obscenities when i hear the front door open. i have 10 seconds to make a decision. have the most amazing orgasm of my life, or save my marriage.
that was a fucking amazing orgasm.

and i dont even miss my husband

[skier]

The strangest guy I ever met was the loser who cornered me outside the movie theater and rebuked me for laughing at most of "American Psycho."
I can't help it, the guy in the movie was such an amateur. Not as an actor, but as a psycho. Trust me, the real ones don't let that guilt bullshit get in the way.

[skier]

"Jason, what are you doing in there??" My Mom inquires through the bathroom door as I am shaving my chest.

"Um...uh...masturbating."

[skier]

The night before I transfer out of the worst fucking place the Navy has ever sent me I stagger back to my room after an entire day of drinking.

I get a drunken last minute warning that I have to piss, soon.


As fate would have it I was standing in front of my (complete fucking asshole) Chief’s office door.


As I am unloading on his door I hear someone clear their throat behind me *ahem*.


I turn my head to see the barracks security patrol, give him a nod and say, “I’ll go quietly, just let me finish”.


His reply? “Get the doorknob again” and walks off.


I wish I knew what his reaction was but didn’t want to risk contact with any of those assholes.


Fucking hated them all!

[skier]

My priest told me "God sees you when you masterbate."

God is such a fucking perv.

[skier]

I am a mature business woman. No one would guess, but I have been secretly fucking my much younger male friend. No one knows... everyone thinks we are just friends.

We often smoke a lot of weed while we fuck. He gets off on holding the pipe for me and watching me smoke before I go down on him. Then he likes to smoke while I blow him.


One day, I am doing an extra good job I guess.. because he loses his concentration and somehow spills the contents of the pipe! A shower of glowing embers falls all around me, including in my hair!


We both jump up and start swatting it all out. All I can think about is how am I going to explain burned spots in my hair? Especially when no one knows we are fuck buddies.


Now we giggle everytime we smoke weed together with other people.

[skier]

It really wasn't sexy at all when she asked me to remove my "boy-panties".

Let's just call them underwear or boxers, people. No cute names.

[skier]

Fuck high voltage electricity. And fuck radio towers too.

I'd also like to take the opportunity to say fuck you to the 9 open blisters surrounded by blackened flesh on my left shoulder.

[skier]

G/F goes thru my wallet. Finds the receipt for the flowers bought for my ex-wive. She confronts me by throwing it in my face demanding to know "What the hell is this?".
The only response I can think of and say is "I buy you flowers to!"

[skier]

When I was in 9th grade, my older bitchy sister who told my parents that I smoked pot, was a senior.

She was the total valedictorian and so perfect. SHe had a boyfriend that my parents hated.


My vengence was simple and absolute. I stole a 20 pack of condoms from the pharmacy went home and put a single squirt of liquid hand soap in each unwrapped condom and left them slightly hidden but still in plain site in her bedroom the morning after her boyfriend had been over and she was gone for the day.


Mother walked in and began to spot a lot of used condoms.


I was in heaven. Pure fucking heaven.

[skier]

why are they all crazy episode two.
her: "look, it's over... you aren't ready to commit, i need more than that. just friends from now on... ok?

me: "cool by me."

her: "well, we probably shouldn't be friends... it just won't work. just take me home."

me: "we both know you're not gonna be able to turn this off... you'll be calling in a week."

her: "you're right... i like you... but just friends, ok? nothing else..."

me: "i said that's fine."

her: "ok then... just friends... don't play footsie with me... friends... that's it..."

then she gave me head while i was taking her home.

what the fuck is that?

though i'm not gonna complain.

[skier]

House down the street burned down.

Arson. Baby died. Probably dead from abuse beforehand, hence the fire.


Hundreds of yards of "POLICE LINE - DO NOT CROSS" tape for the next two weeks.


They finally bulldoze the place flat, but leave some of the tape.


I grab it, sneak downtown one Saturday night, drape it around my ex-boss's business, front and back.


It takes the bastard until 3pm Monday to get permission to remove it.


I've still got some left :-)

[skier]

I'm sitting in a church sanctuary, where I am not supposed to be, eating a pizza that I am not supposed to have, and using a computer I am not supposed to be on.

I am living at the church because they think I'm a member.


I'm an atheist. But it's free food, and the locks to the computer room are sooooo easy to pick.

[skier]

I've been sleeping with this chick for a few weeks, and things have gotten to the experimental stage. She's into anal beads so last night she whips out a bottle of lube and a strand of those big mardi gras beads. We're doing it doggy-style and she tells me to massage her "bad place" with the lube. Once it was nice and greasy, I started feeding the beads into her butt one at a time.
We started doing it doggy-style again, and as each of us got closer to climaxing she told me to pull the beads out. Only she didn't specify that I should pull them out S-L-O-W-L-Y. I give the string a yank and it was like rip-starting a lawnmower. I'm still trying to block out what happened next. Let's just say there was a loud noise, some poop, and a lot of anger involved. So much for our one and only experiment with butt love.

[skier]

I finally gave in to all the hype and decided to get a Brazilian. I called up my 'just in case' fuck buddy and told him I had a surprise for him but after he fucked me around for 3 days, decided I could do a better job myself. Sitting at the computer I decided to surf a few sites for something appropriate, while sitting in fron of the aircon. Someone had turned down the temp and I shivered.

Damn shiver made my newly waxed parts tingle and I came like never before. Screw porn, give me a wexjob and aircon and I'm satisfied for life.


Can't wait for next months appointment...

[skier]

there is truely a higher power that loves me, for the thing on my dick IS NOT herpes or any other STD! its a fucking spider bite!!!!
i feel a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

[skier]

this is what my buddy list looks like:

dudes(11/11)

girls(4/5)

girls i've boned(4/4)

girls to bone(17/64)

underage girls i shouldn't bone again(2/6)

[skier]

As a teenager I used to regularly take the bus to my mom's apartment in Alameda, and there was this guy I'd flirt with. He was clearly a loser - about 30, wanna-be-rock-star with a day job, blazer and jeans and rocker hair. Plus he was riding the bus, which was a loser thing to do. But I was bored, there in the suburbs, and he was really pretty hot once you got past the style issues. One day I let him follow me home, and we fucked like animals in my mom's living room. It was fun - I learned all sorts of new things - but when it was over I just wanted him out. He feigned romantic intentions, felt bad that he couldn't give me his number because it turns out he was married.
I felt sorry for his wife.

[skier]

PRESSURE TACTICS

At the place where I was contracting, Jose, who managed contractors, hadn't yet given me a bathroom key. So every time I had to use the bathroom, I'd have to walk across the street. I nagged him for two weeks, but he kept promising it the next day. Finally, I'd had enough.

"Jose, could you get me a key to the bathroom?"

"Sure, I'll get it to you tomorrow."

"If you don't give me the key today, I'll shit on your desk."

"What?!!"

"When you come into work tomorrow, you'll find a big, black, steaming pile of turds on your desk blotter with files buzzing around it."


He got me a key.

[skier]

During the summer I work in a credit card factory. One day a painter came to re-touch a section of the floor where some heavy machinery usually sat. As I let him into the building, he said, "Ya gots them thar guh hoonkidunks?" I didn't know what that meant, and so I looked at him for a moment, just long enough to read his name tag, while he tried to make real words come out of his mouth.

He didn't succeed, and I walked away thinking, "Well, Darwin, who the fuck naturally selected you?"

[skier]

i have yet to see a funnier thing when stoned than the episode of star trek: the next generation where commander riker and his dad fight eachother in giant robot suits.

[skier]

so I worked at SeaWorld San Diego for a very long time. Did I mention that Budweiser owns it. Yeah, so I got a free keg of beer just about weekly, all in the name of keeping the 5000 seasonal employees happy, well just my 20. So one Friday night we have our usual crazy party and I wake up the next day with about twenty minutes until I have to work underneath a dry docked boat. Apparently that was the warmest place I could find to sleep. When I walk up all of my friends are telling the story of a guy who fucked this chick, this fat, manly lookin chick, in front of everyone. They were chearing he was making gestures, there was even a camera. I told them that was hillarious and that I wished I had seen that, but frankly I couldn't remember shit. My best friend, who was sitting at the table, pulls me aside and says, "homeboy, that was you". Yeah right! I didn't believe him for shit until two seconds later up comes this ugly many looking chick, who's name was Barry, and says hello. I damn near died. She was a chick though, I swear

[skier]

I have a question for anyone. Why is it that you masturbated less before you ever got laid? Masturbatory activity seems to triple I have a question for anyone. Why is it that you masturbated less before you ever got laid? Masturbatory activity seems to triple after your first peice of ass.

[skier]

K class time

[MexicanOnABike]

3800!!!!!!!!!