The Longest Thread Ever!

[Jeff]

Oh wait, *reads previous posts* is it a footbag?

[Jeff]

It looks edible though, and delicious!

[MexicanOnABike]

if you read any of my previous posts, you'd know. that is a footbag. a 32panel professional footbag that i made. fuck ya.

[MexicanOnABike]

Originally Posted by Jeff

It looks edible though, and delicious!

was meant to be! glad you like it!

[MexicanOnABike]

man. the more i look at it, the more i want to make a new one again.

[MexicanOnABike]

red and yellow of this pattern.

[healer]

Really does look edible.

[skier]

so i'm waiting for next class to start so I figure I may as well throw in a few posts

[skier]

About twice a year I get a violent stomach illness, in which I am puking and shooting a constant spray of lava-hot diarreah. I usually get to the point of praying for death when the dry heaves come.

It's hard being me sometimes.

[skier]

I totally shit in the meat grinder. Last week on a class trip I told a group of five or six kids what a blumpkin was. The word spread like Ebola virus. Everyone was yelling it in the middle of classes because none of the teachers knew what it was, it got to the point of where I got sick of hearing variations of “IT’S BLUMPKIN TIME!” every two to three minutes, so I told my total bitch Spanish teacher to look it up on Google. A weekend had passed since I had told her about it, so I had totally forgotten. When I saw her on Monday, she was shaking and told us not to say anything. I asked her if I could go to my locker and get my book. She shut the door without saying a word. A classroom of boys has never been so terrified in the history of private education. We seriously thought she had just snapped and was going to commit murder suicide on us.

Instead we were given a paper on respect, maturity, and ethics. I made fun of her in mine because I’m an idiot. I think I’ll come down with something tonight.



He who giveth the novelty obsenity, taketh away the novelty obsenity.

[skier]

Sitting at a Roy Rogers rest-stop near the Delaware/Pennsylvania border after a Dave Matthews concert at 3am. The only people in the "restaurant" are my three friends and a women, about 30, eating her hamburger in peace.

Someone starts telling a joke about female ejaculation, when my high redneck friend yells at the top of his lungs, "FEMALES CAN'T EJACULATE!"


The poor women actually started choking for about 20 seconds before quickly finishing her hamburger and rushing out of the joint.

[skier]

Bringing a knife to a gunfight is bad.

But, y'know, bringing a sword to a knife fight was kinda cool.

[skier]

She couldn't find my lipstick to write her number on the mirror the next morning so she used her blood soaked tampon instead.

Yes, he called her.


Yes, they're getting married.


Yes, I'm going to tell their kids.

[skier]

When i was in high school, me and a few friends went to a low-income neighborhood with a petition to end women's suffrage. The sad thing is, we got over 100 signatures from dumb, dumb people in about an hour.

[skier]

so my dad takes me on a hunting trip, someone bags a deer, and me, being sorta gothie/heavy metally at the time wants to have the skull.
So i cut off the head after they are done dressing it, put it in a garbage bag, take it home to our new house that we just moved in 2 weeks before.


part of getting the skull out involves letting the rest of the shit rot off, stinks like hell and takes a while to decompose, so i try to hurry it up by spraying it with the hose.


so im doing this in the backyard, close to the fence when the new neighbors dogs come out and flip, they know theres a dead thing, and they are barking like nuts, bringing the neighbor out.


This is the first time i ever meet her, and she decides to start yakking it up, apologizing for te dogs, doesn't know what got into them, and talks to me for like 20 minutes.


Ive got the severed rotting deerhead sorta behind me, with the hose spraying over it, trying to i dunno mask the smell, the dogs still going nuts, and all i can think of is "Im like a serial killer trying to act normal talking to the cops while the bodies in the other room",which sorta gets me off, and i turn the conversation to the wierd people who do fucked up shit like kill things and keep thier heads mounted on the wall and how fucked up they are, cause i only went hunting for the scenery


yeah


i love that skull

[skier]

Overheard:

Ding. Microwave door opens. Closes.

"Oh, SHIT, this fish stinks. This is so the wrong thing to be making in a strip-club dressing room."

[skier]

My brother joined a fraternity in college.

Shudder.


One of his hazing requirements was to join the boys in a round of "century club". But since he did not drink beer at the time, his other option was whole milk. He made it to shot number 98 before vomiting.

[skier]

you know its time to schedule your next bikini wax when your ass hairs get so tangled up in your thong that you have to cut the thong off your body with scissors.

[skier]

My friends were driving around late one night coming back from the grocery store, car chocked full of munchies and music blaring. They approached a stop light where there was a cop waiting at a red light going the opposite direction. My friends signal to turn left and have a green light to do so, so they go ahead and make their turn. Well, apparently the cop didn't seem to think this was legal because he promptly switched on his lights and pulled them over. Bewildered, she rolls down her window to ask what the problem was.

He asks her, "You know you made a left turn back there, right?"


Confused, she replies that she did and the cop just kind of sits there looking uncomfortable. Clearly he knew he had no reason to pull them over so instead he decides to get conversational. He spies the bags of munchies and notes, "you guys having a slumber party? That's a lot of snacks."


Suddenly the music that had been put on pause started up again, volume cranked, spewing out Static-X. Hastily they shut it back off again and apologized to the cop who responded, "Ha ha, you kids have a nice night," threw up the American Sign Language sign for Love and continued, "Rock on!"

[skier]

I was drunk once and told my friend to push me down the stairs, and damn did she push me. I woke up the next morning with a scab on my chin, one on my hip, and my jaw and fingers were both fucked up so much I couldn't move them. Since I couldn't tell my parents where I had been or what I had been doing I said I had fallen skateboarding. Two weeks later at my graduation the little neighbor girl gives me my gift, a how to skateboard book, and tells me she doesn't want me doing any more faceplants.

[skier]

I was 15, helping mom get ready for dinner, peeling potatoes in the kitchen.

Finding a long, thin potato, I held it up and said:


"Look Mom! A dick-tater!"


I still laugh about it.

[skier]

we're going to have a day without concrete nouns. we can talk about "love" and "justice" but not "shoes" or "a table".

[skier]

You know it's time to say fuck denial and admit you live in the ghetto when you walk out of your apartment to your car with a piece of pumpkin pie in your hand because you were running late, and not one...BUT two ghetto children run up to you and say "Hey, do you think I could get a piece of that?"

[skier]

I have a student planner. I think of murder and suicide 50 times a day. The one thing I'm good at drawing is murder and suicide, so I draw just that in my planner whenever I get bored. Last year I had a drawing where I was shooting a particularly bitchy teacher. A friend pointed out to me that while if my drawings of violence were found, I would get sent to the school psychologist, but if a very specific murder of a teacher was seen I might get expelled. So I turned the dress into pants and added a small moustache right above the mouth.

You don't get expelled for drawing Hitler's brains getting splattered against a wall

[skier]

When I was about 14, some friends and I were at the mall, wasting the precious time of our youth. We walked outside, past a movie theatre, when a big gust of wind blows one of the "Rated G" sign pannels off the lightbox showing the movie titles. It comes down like a throwing star, and just nicks my left ear. 4 inches over and it would have been in my forehead.

That wouldn't have bothered me so much, had it been a good movie. But alas....


I was almost killed by "Space Jam"

[skier]

I had to take a shit, but my wife wanted me to come out and watch a movie with her that was starting in a few minutes, so she shows me how she takes a "fast potty".

she sits on the bowl, and, explaining the whole time, puts her feet up on the front of the seat, so she is in the fetal position, with her butthole over the water. She says, "...then you push, and it comes out easier. Sometimes, you can't do this but I can, I go in through the front and push it with my fingers."


YeeeHaw!

[skier]

Once there was this kid, Bobby. Bobby would make claims as to how he was going to wrap a fruit rollup around his dick, and present the whole package to his dog. We laughed. At the end of the week Bobby walked onto the bus, and said (like Beavis) "heheheheheh my doggie gave me a blowjob." --- Later in life, Bobby thought his ex-girlfriend was going to steal his Camaro. So what did Bobby do? Bobby took a bat to it, and made sure she wouldn't want to take it. Some people should never breed, even by accident.

[skier]

I went with my best friends on her birthday to see Matrix Reloaded on opening night. It was jam packed, and there was even people standing up to see the movie.

When the time came for the great sex scene, you could hear every guy in the audience woot and hollar. After everything quited down, and everyone was watching the movie, I heard a faint whisper from someone behind us. And it will haunt me for ever:


"That was the best jackin' I've felt in a while."


Please, dont jerk off during a movie.

[skier]

I knew a guy who timed his orgasm so he came at 01/01/00 12:00 midnight.

I'm so jealous.


I was drunk and stuck on top of a roof with my best friend.


NOT having an orgasm.

[skier]

i'll never forget that couple at the 95th anniversary harley bash.
full on bikers in thier 40s or so.

the chick was all busted up... fat lip, black and blue and whatnot.

his shirt said, in permanent marker:

"fuck off, i don't beat her."

and her shirt said:

"fuck off, i got in a car accident."

[skier]

You all remember The Ring, right? Sure you do. The movie with the chick in the well. Good. Dad and I went to see it, and there weren't a whole lot of people there. I have my feet propped up on the seat in front of me as there was nobody in the row in front of us, allthough a few behind us. Right in one of the quiet moments in the film, my ass releases a rather loud, obnoxious fart. I couldn't believe it, I was sure I could sneak that one out. I'm biting my lip trying not to laugh when Dad looks over and says not-so-quietly-but-not-that-loudly "was that you?" Fuck, like it wasn't hard enough not to laugh. By this point I'm shaking and chomping right down on my lip trying not to burst out laughing, as the people around the theatre also got a giggle out of it. Through clenched teeth, the hardest word I've ever got out "...nope" Man did he laugh when we got out and I told him it was me.

[skier]

The Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Organisatoin at my uni in Georgia had a "Wear jeans if you're coming out" day. Ha ha ha ha to all the uptight homophobic bigoted bible-loving redneck fuckheads who freaked out that day...

[skier]

early in the morning, get up to take a shit, am wiping myself off and discover i have started my period. it seems to be an especially mucousy one. i sigh and continue. a moment later as i am flushing the toilet, i glance to the side and am shocked to see a long, slimy line of blood-mucous flung against the wall. like, half a foot at least, and almost an inch wide. what the fuck? i guess it got slapped there during my less than awake wipings. i had to scrub the wall with peroxide to get the stain out.

[skier]

Not Understanding The Concept: Making Your Job Harder
Couple of days after Hurricane Katrina drowned New Orleans, the Times-Picayune interviewed one of the few cops who hadn't yet walked off the job.

They asked him about the corpse that was lying in the street a few yards away.

Cop: "Yeah, we marked it with traffic cones about four days ago. We've got too much else to do right now.

"If you want to kill someone here, this is a good time."

[skier]

Me: Can I take naked pictures of you?

Her: Sure.


(she's already naked, so it's not that difficult.)


I use up all the film in my camera.


Her: No internet.


Me: I couldn't do that to you.


Her: Awwww...


Me: I don't have a scanner.

[skier]

I recently had a date with a very nice young lady. After we left the bar she kissed me very passionately in the parking lot and I responded and also started kissing her neck.

She said stop and pushed me away. I asked if I had hurt her and she said "No, but if you keep that up, I'll have no choice but to rip your clothes off and fuck you right here."


I drove her home, walked her to the door, kissed her again and kissed her neck again.


She responded by taking me out back, stripping me naked and fucking me six ways from Sunday in her hot tub.


Better a hot tub than a bar parking lot, I always say.

[skier]

When I went to fuck my ex girlfriend, my knees fell into two little divots in the matress. I'd never had sex with her on that bed before. I assumed that she had other visitors before me, but I fucked her anyway. A fuck is a fuck.

[skier]

Was talking to a guy friend of mine about his girlfriend who, after 3 weeks of dating, had finally given him play that weekend. That seemed rather prudish to me, and then I realized that I had hooked up with my current boyfriend of over a year before we had even started dating. I asked my boyfriend if, in his experience, my friend's girlfriend was prudish or I was just slutty. He said to me: "One of the things that first struck me about you was the fact that you knew more about giving blowjobs and your shirt came off faster than like, any other girl I'd ever been with. I'd talked to you like maybe three times before and you just ripped your shirt off for me. It was cool."
We then proceeded to have a long and adorable conversation about the first time I went down on him in the back of my car in the parking lot of a church... how timid he was, all wide-eyed, like a kid on christmas... such a beautiful memory.


Although, I do think he was just trying to find a nice way to tell me that I'm slutty.

[skier]

i was talking to my sister and picking my nose, and i turned around to leave the room. then my elbow hit the door frame and shoved my finger further into my nose. it started to bleed. she started to laugh.

[skier]

Testing some new software at work. Part of the testing involves logging in and doing whatever the hell a normal user would do. To do so, we use a generic log-on ID. Some imaginative soul gave that ID the name of "John Doe."

Today we had too many John Does logged on; no one else could get on the system. My boss said to me, "We need another John Doe."


"Great," I said. "Shall I go kill a drifter?"


Nervous laughter and sidelong glances, the rest of the day.