|
Fer Crisakes, stop peein' on the dog!
My extremeties are frigid. |
Stop taking so long in the refrigerator!!
My eyeballs are all red |
One of two things: Visine or use a longer spoon while eating breakfast with the devil.
I'm nervous and my socks are too loose. |
Socks is loose. But that's no reason to be nervous. Just call him in and shut the door.
(socks): http://home.ix.netcom.com/~jruffolo/images/Socks.jpg Nobody ever gets my humor. |
Comedy rule #1: If it's funny to you, it's funny.
My hamper smells weird. |
Sorry, I'll get out.
My eyes got reversed and now point inside my head. |
So tell me, what's on your mind?
It's hard to find a good friend. |
Stop hitting your good friends, and maybe they'll stop hiding from you.
I have constant cravings for glazed donuts.. |
As long as you eat them constantly, it should stop the cravings.
My get up and go must've got up and went. |
Take two anti-diarrhetics and call me in the morning!
My snot is brown! |
Take them out, paint them green with a marker pen, and then replace them.
Potatoes are growing out of my ears. |
Mixed with some toe cheese, it would make a nice au gratin.
I have hang-ups. |
Get caller ID.
Ted Koppel won't stop tickling my funnybone. |
Ted Koppel says he'll stop because your funnybone is only this big:
http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/...koppel-225.jpg It's too late for sleep tonight. |
Call in the neighbors and have a party!
I have lustful fantasies about my analyst! |
And how does that make you feel?
I'm having trouble getting into a stable relationship. |
Stop hitting on horses. (Sicko.)
I've lost that lovin' feeling. |
......blow.......up........doll............
i've got blisters on my blisters. |
Buy yourself some flowers, take yourself out to dinner, draw yourself a nice hot bath with candles, dim the lights... maybe that will put you in the mood.
I have pimples on my but-I am nice. |
oooh crap!
Stop beating on that thing like a rented car! I still have pimples on my but-I am nice... |
Embrace your ill favored visage, get in touch with your inner curmudgeon, and start being a real rat bastard.
My blowup doll sprung a leak. |
Live underwater.
My hand jerks wildly when touching my special area |
Think of your mother -that'll make it stop.
My mother is hot. |
Think of Zeraph's Mom (sorry.)
I'm rude, crude and socially unacceptable. |
Run for public office as a man of the people. You might even get elected president.
Every night I have a strange dream about a busty, naked, green woman with lobster claws who wants to be intimate with me. |
boil some water and keep large rubber bands near the bed.
I have terrible gas. Really, it's quite noxious. |
Either lay off the beans, or make sure you also eat corn and chilis with them Actually, seriously, the combination of the three will keep the beans from giving you gas, allow the corn to digest, and take the burn out of the chilis on the back end.
Now I have "Dirty Love" stuck in my head. (The way your momma make that fuzzy poodle do.) |
Turn up "So Fresh, So Clean" by Outkast
My foot's asleep. |
Dip it in gasoline and light it up. Nothin' like fire to get the blood flowing.
I'm in complete denial of the chaos and tragedy in my life. |
write a country song, drink some whiskey, relax and enjoy it.
I can't do the things that I know that I should. |
Stop shoulding all over yourself.
I've got cat scratch fever. |
Try shaving down there, I hear it helps.
I have a hawaiian disease called Lakanuki |
of course.....get some nuki...repeat if necessary
I have a low down dirty feeling. |
Douche.
My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don't love Jesus. |
Turn down the stereo, yank off those Python boots and don't worry, Jesus thinks you're a jerk.
my nose is running... |
Snort something pasty up there!
My hands are sweaty, my knees are weak I can't eat, and I can't sleep. |
Get to the hospital quick... looks like ebola. Try getting there before you crash and bleed out, they know how to clean it up better'n most people. Or it could be love... whatever.
I'm damn cold. |
Sleep with your socks on. It works for Daoust!!!
My sinuses are leaking a flourescent yellow liquid uncontrollably, at this moment. |
bottle it!! You've found the solution to our energy crisis!!
I have this uncontrollable urge to stab myself in the chest. |
Stab somebody else in the back and your urge will go away.
Got an urge got a surge and it's out of control Got an urge I wanna purge 'cause I'm losing control |
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