the "Your Prescription" Game
 

The game rules are simple. Write down your illness, symptoms, problems etc. The next person will give you a prescription and follow with their illness.

Example:

Person 1: I have a headache

Person 2: Take two aspirin and call me in the morning.
...
I have a large duck with sleeper jammies in my bed.

Note that the cure for the previous poster must always be followed by a problem, symptom or illness otherwise there is no cure for the next poster.

Starting now.

My back hurts and my hair is falling out.

Use less gel in your hair, that way it won't puncture your back as it falls off of your head.

My right instep hurts when I walk in slippers.

don't wear a slipper on your right foot.

My hands are very dry.

Maturbate daily... Semen is a good moisturizer.

My duodenum is swollen.

Well just quit your bellyaching and jump off your roof.


My...ummm...buttocks quiver just a bit too much when I run.

Keep one small purple onion betwixt them whilst you run.

The emptiness inside me is growing.

Have flyman reach around and hold them for you while you run...


My epiglottis is itchy...

eat something course like grits to scratch it

GH hamburgers are good for that problem

my hair is too heavy and causing headaches

Hire a band of Ubangi Tribesmen to carry your hair for you...

My cochlea is speaking to me in tongues...

Get down to Barnes and Noble for the English translation guide.


Sometimes I fall down and can't get up.

Man that is so NOT FUNNY............ :lol:

Flyman's problem : He can't follow directions

Cure: Get more weed! :)


Amonkie's prob: I keep falling asleep in class

Fill it with the dark legions of Cthulu...


Wear a collar with sharp spike pointing upwards... When you nod off the resulting pain of impalement should bring about wakefulness...


I seem to have lost my mind.

Call a search and rescue posse to scour the wastelands

I forgot my lunch, and i have no money.

Just bat those pretty eyes of yours at the guy behind the counter.

I can't sleep at night

Choke yourself until you lose consciousness.

I have lost my pants.

put superglue on your crotch before you put them on...

I have terrible BO...

Move to Boulder, you'll fit right in with the unwashed masses.


My selective hearing is failing, I can't tune out people like I used to.

Just add an O... then you have a terrible BOO... It's handy at Halloween!

My flanges are sweaty.

Get a hearing aid and adjust it to your liking

girls don't like me

then stick to boys

I have a hard time doing work

Stay home and watch TV...

I've got a pain in me gulliver...

Slug off school tomorrow and engage in some Ultraviolence...


I have no money for porn

Get thee to the Titty Board... and make haste my good man!


My heart is broken.

Listen repeatedly to "I Will Surivive"

I think I have ADD

Take a cup of MINUS. ;)

I'm having a bout of the 'ol' flaming squirts'.

xxxxxxeditxxxxx

Well, slow down and add some vodka.




I believe I've lost my nouns.

nope, you have not, "nouns" is a noun.
<font size=1>I believe it is anyway. Ready for crucifixtion if I am wrong.</font>


I can't lick my elbow

Come over here and I'll lick it for you...

My testes are festering...

you just need a reach around and you'll be fine.


my penis was green and i didn't understand!!!!

It ain't easy being green... No worries though, it was just jealous of PaddyJoe that he got so close to Uncle Phil's ass during the Rochester meetup.


My funny bone has no sense of humour.

You might need electroshock therapy on your funny bone, Charlatan. Take 100 pills of amoxicillin and call me in the morning.

My malady: My left nostril flares out erratically.

Flares are for hippies... If you are a hippie I suggest you stretch your other nostril to match... flares should always be even... If you are not, then depending on the severity of your flare you can either sand it down with some sandpaper (start a low number and work up to very fine grit) or just snip it off with some shears... be careful to maintain symmetry...

My sacroiliac is soggy...

Take a tissue and stroke from your sacrum to your ilium until your sacroilac isn't soggy any more.


Nobody likes me

Assuming everybody hates you, go eat worms

I've got something lodged in my ear

iadsfmnnadgfgadfregrv... Sorry couldn't type, I had my finger in your ear.


I don't feel all that well after licking Clavus' medulla oblongatta...

wash it out with some spinal cord juice. It neutralizes the flavor.

I think I'm allergic to a bending square.

Try using a folding circle. Or a pillable pentagon.


I left my heart in San Fransisco.

Call the lost and found and have them Fed Ex it back.


My tongue's over my eyeteeth, I can't see what my lips are saying.

so don't talk.

Flyman stole my special brownies

Make some more with a special laxative ingredient and leave it where flyman can steal it again... He will be sitting for so long he won't remember how to reach around...

My femur is fibrilating...

It's obvious to me that you have contracted the highly virulent Boogie Fever. This should be treated immediately lest it turn into a sad, sad case of Dirty Low Down. I will refer you to a specialist in the treatment of this malady, one Dr. Funkenstein. They say the bigger the headache, the bigger the pill.

I have two left feet.

I suggest you take great care when shopping for shoes.



Some how I lost the hitch in my giddy-up.

OK, this is more of a DIY than a perscription, but, if your hitch fell down into your giddyup, then the first thing you're going to need to do is invert your giddy-up and gently rock it back and forth over an old mattress. Make sure you don't do it over your feet, or the hitch might fall on them and turn your instep inside out. Also don't do it over a hard surface or you might fracture your hitch, in which case you would have to use it on a mosey rather than a giddyup.

Now, if inversion doesn't work, you're going to nead a forked manzanita branch, 200 yards of 10 gauge copper wire, an 8 oz wad of used chewing gum (still moist), a box kite, and a thunderstorm. Place your giddy-up on the ground with the bright side facing up. Hold the branch by the end of the forks with the single end pointing up, and pass it over your giddyup until the end drops down. Mark the spot where it points with a grease pencil. Attach the copper wire to the kite in lieu of string and get it up in the air. Make a small loop in the free end of the wire and press the gum around it. Then press the gum to the spot you marked earlier. (You should wear rubber gloves and hip waders while doing this.) Now, keep that kite aloft and wait for lightning to strike it. When this happens it should set up an electromagnetic resonance that will draw the hitch rapidly to the wire loop where it will adhere to the bubble gum and can then be retrieved when you regain consciousness.

My Complaint:
I am going to presently split my infinitive. Damn! I have split my infinitive.

i love you guys.

You should learn to know us better. ;)

I still have a split infinitive. I sure hope it doesn't get inflected.

Crap, you're quick!
Your split infinitives are poor style, not neccesarily bad grammar, don't worry.

My spleen is damp.

Get Brawny, the quicker picker-upper, it works wonders.

I have something stuck in my vagina.

Remove and replace it; Remove and Replace it; remove and Replace it; remove and replace it; Remove and replace it; Remove and Replace it; remove and Replace it; remove and replace it; Remove and replace it; Remove and Replace it; remove and Replace it; remove and replace it; Remove and replace it; Remove and Replace it; remove and Replace it; remove and replace it; Remove and replace it; Remove and Replace it; remove and Replace it; remove and replace it;

Ahhh that's better.

I have spooge all over my keyboard.

buy a box of kleenex and start using 2 at a time.......


the bananas i eat make me wanna pee.........

Eat apples...

My urine smells funny.

Drink peppermint oil, and then stop sniffing your piss


My teeth itch

It's all in your head. (get it?) Stop smoking flyman's weed and your problem should resolve itself.

My backbone won't slide... Damn you Maestro Fresh Wes!

y'all I don't give a damn
if ya backbone quiver....sorry, I just don't. :wink:

my qi is stagnant

Change the mats at your dojo

Martians are my secret puppeteers

Eat more hamburgers.

Everyone I meet reminds me of Astrocloud.

Stop going out... that way you won't meet anyone else.

My lungs are languishing.

Let two live albino geckos (male and female) run down your throat.

I regret that I have but one life to live for my country.

Get dual citizenship. That way you'll get two lives.

I am always hung-over on Friday mornings.

wait till friday to start drinking

I lost my shins in vietnam

Learn to be short... and to bitch and moan about it... you will find that people will take pity on you and give you an easier life.

My synapses are not synapting...

Don't worry everything is NORMAL.

Tequila makes me puke.

drink rum then....it's also cheaper.


my beer fridge is empty

Take two worms....and call me in the morning-or- switch to Rum


I no longer fear death

Smoke pot and drink some water when the pasties set in...

My eyes are gummed up...

Damn...beat me to it


Get a smaller fridge, and switch to GOOD beer


I still do not fear death

ah hell.....quit Blowing big bubbles with bubblicious



I still have no fear of death

Have you been to see *my* family doctor? It spelled, K-e-v-o-r-k-i-a-n...

I've lost my sense of youthful optimism.

Take up snowboarding:
http://www.ab-livrex.ch/photo/propac...SKI_Danger.jpg

I don't have the money to ski this year.

Oh darn...

Find a young person and fuck with them enough to drain all of their youthful optimism out.

I still don't have the money to ski. (And the skiing is good this year too)

Bump.
(I liked this game)

Astrocloud, sell your skis to get some money...

I got toe jam.

Sell it to Smuckers.

All I've got is unrequited love.

Hmmm, well...maybe you could apply for a job at Hallmark.


My aim is NOT TRUE!!

Stick a Tilde in front of it and it will become true.

I am addicted to obscurity and obfustication.

Use a thesarus

I've got this pain in my back....

Get spine removal surgery

http://www.members.cox.net/city_of_arkham/backbone.jpg

I don't have time for anything fun.

Practice growing hair.......time is not of the essence... :lol:



I can't decide between white or red

Get Both....you look good in pink


Everytime I Pee....the dog bites my cat

Fer Crisakes, stop peein' on the dog!

My extremeties are frigid.

Stop taking so long in the refrigerator!!

My eyeballs are all red

One of two things: Visine or use a longer spoon while eating breakfast with the devil.

I'm nervous and my socks are too loose.

Socks is loose. But that's no reason to be nervous. Just call him in and shut the door.

(socks):
http://home.ix.netcom.com/~jruffolo/images/Socks.jpg


Nobody ever gets my humor.

Comedy rule #1: If it's funny to you, it's funny.

My hamper smells weird.

Sorry, I'll get out.

My eyes got reversed and now point inside my head.

So tell me, what's on your mind?

It's hard to find a good friend.

Stop hitting your good friends, and maybe they'll stop hiding from you.

I have constant cravings for glazed donuts..

As long as you eat them constantly, it should stop the cravings.

My get up and go must've got up and went.

Take two anti-diarrhetics and call me in the morning!

My snot is brown!

Take them out, paint them green with a marker pen, and then replace them.

Potatoes are growing out of my ears.

Mixed with some toe cheese, it would make a nice au gratin.

I have hang-ups.

Get caller ID.

Ted Koppel won't stop tickling my funnybone.

Ted Koppel says he'll stop because your funnybone is only this big:
http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/...koppel-225.jpg

It's too late for sleep tonight.

Call in the neighbors and have a party!

I have lustful fantasies about my analyst!

And how does that make you feel?

I'm having trouble getting into a stable relationship.

Stop hitting on horses. (Sicko.)

I've lost that lovin' feeling.

......blow.......up........doll............


i've got blisters on my blisters.

Buy yourself some flowers, take yourself out to dinner, draw yourself a nice hot bath with candles, dim the lights... maybe that will put you in the mood.

I have pimples on my but-I am nice.

oooh crap!
Stop beating on that thing like a rented car!

I still have pimples on my but-I am nice...