Excuse me theguyondacouch, but if your personal hygene matches that of your brothers in arms, then not in a million years!

P.S. Looking forward to the trip to Mexico

hail dirty warriors.
i am a master of siege engines looking for employment. i will ensure that no castle walls will stop the plundering of the horde. if large catapults and trebuchets are not needed, i also have a minor in torture, and i'm proficient with the long staff and the crossbow.

Heh, a lot of us are proficient with the long staff.....uh...er..wait! :hmm:

I'm glad you came along, Binder. I was getting tired of having to scale those bank buildings, then let myself in from the roof. :P

One question, though: did you bring any of those things with you? I think we're all either too dumb, drunk, or busy ravaging the women to help build things.

Way down here you need a reason to move
Feel a fool running your stateside games
Lose your load, leave your mind behind, Baby James

Oh, Mexico
It sounds so simple I just got to go
The sun's so hot I forgot to go home
Guess I'll have to go now

"Americano" got the sleepy eye
But his body's still shaking like a live wire
Sleepy "Señorita" with the eyes on fire

Oh, Mexico
It sounds so sweet with the sun sinking low
Moon's so bright like to light up the night
Make everything all right

Baby's hungry and the money's all gone
The folks back home don't want to talk on the phone
She gets a long letter, sends back a postcard; times are hard

Oh, down in Mexico
I never really been so I don't really know
Oh, Mexico
I guess I'll have to go

Oh, Mexico
I never really been but I'd sure like to go
Oh, Mexico
I guess I'll have to go now

That makes 3 of us....You Me, and Jesse Ventura!

Can he join our horde? He kicked ass in predetor!

fear not. the seige engines will not detract from any of the pillaging, ravaging, drinking or general wonton destruction.

i used to build them by hand, but it took away time from torturing innocent villagers. now i order them on-line and have them drop shipped to where i need them. if they need to be moved i will conscript some of the locals to move them.

Hail, oh great a mighty Horde!

Czernobog, I just returned from your state, fleeing before the angry Goddess "Isabella" could smite me down. Good to have you in the Horde. You shall be Czernobog the Easy Listener (Which should teach you to quote tunes by America).

Binder the Easily Enraged, good to have you aboard. I feel we will have need of your seige engines as we move south.

Onward my mighty Horde! We now make our way to Mexico, and victory!

Troublebot the Slighty Sleepy
Kahn,
Troublebot Horde

Hail to the Troublebot Horde!!

I am analog, the spy! I can seemlessly blend myself into the surroundings of the target area, posing as a young, urban professional. I can discover the weak spots of the enemy, so that we may exploit those weaknesses for maximum pillaging, killing, and the retrieval of MORE desirable lusty wenches!!

or,

I can go back to my old job, which... basically... ok, I burned shit.

*ahem*I can do BOTH, too.*ahem*

Ooooh, analog, can you be our answer to The Poopsmith?

We've really needed one of those around here.

when shall we mount the mexican campaign?

i still am deadly, but it's been so long since i've disemboweled a heathen that i am in danger of not being damp anymore!!

-jimk the damp & deadly

Troublebot, what qualifications do you hold for
You to consider yourself a horde leader?
I not going to jump on any old horde wagon after all.

Do you not see the blood on my blade cnor?

Can you not feel the fury locked behind my eyes, waiting to be unleashed?

Behold the man that braved the onslaught of the giant fireworm and lived to tell the tale!

Behold the man that traded wits with Macelgrill the Oddly Smart for three days in a game of chess... and won!

Behold the man that bedded the lusty Sirens of Seattle and charmed them into submission!

I am lord of all I survey! My horde drinks gasoline and belches fire! I am Troublebot, Horde Kahn! Look upon my works, ye mighty, and dispair!

Any other questions?

Tell us about the Sirens of Seattle again, O Mighty Khan! *sits down crosslegged by the campfire and looks up at Troublebot excitedly*

yes, one more...Have you been drinking bong water again?

awe, screw it..I'm in...Rape the horses and ride off on the women!

The battle lust burns hot in me tonight.....When do we get to mexico?

O greatly odorous non-bathing One, Leader of The Stinking Horde, I bring news from the ambassador from Mexico. He offers you The Province of Sonora in exchange for not invading his Country. He also says he will throw a huge Fiesta for three days in our honor with all the food, drink, wenches and boy toys (have to keep Eweser happy) we could want. He said we could make Sonora Province our home and you can declare yourself Emperor (or Khan). I told him that this sounded good, but I would to check with you, El Jefe del Hedor.

What say Ye?

Hrm. Pheatius is a good negotiator. Perhaps we should take the ambassador up on his offer, then once we've established a base in Sonora, use it to take the country anyway.

Oh, and I think we should definitely demand a tithe of both tequila and virgins.

Do you see my Horde? The fear we strike in the hearts of the people before us brings us riches beyond our dreams!

Noble Pheatius, tell the ambassador that his offer pleases me and my Horde. Tell me when the fiesta begins, I will be in my tent.

Brave Thraeryn, a Kahn never kisses, beheads and tells.

Leave it to say I required several shots afterward and my Fu Manchu had to be carefully groomed.

I have powdered my orbs of manhood, very refreshing, and sharpened the old battle axe. I go to Mexico to seek the amber delight of Corona, (and limes).

Oh, and I bring sunblock for those of you that might not have thunk ahead.

I hope that the pillaging is better than in Redmond. I have several cappachunio machines, a used Volvo, a pack of ink jet paper, an Atari 2600 game console, several ladies thongs, (used), a rack for cooking bacon in the microwave, and some fancy, fussy, cooking utensils.

Bah! Let us kill something and burn something!

Buttcrust! You have an Atari 2600?!?!?

Someone's been holding out on the booty.

The Kahn is not pleased.

TEQUILA SHEILA


CHORUS:
Pour me another tequila, Sheila.
Take off that red satin dress.
'Cause I crossed the border,
And I beat the dealer for all of that gold in Juarez.
I feel just like ol' Pancho Villa, Sheila,
And I've got the pesos to spend,
So pour me another tequila, Sheila.
And lay down and love me again.

No I can't tell you about it.
Don't mind the gun by my bed,
But I feel kind'a naked without it,
And it eases the fears in my head.
I never have trusted in woman,
But Sheila I trust you tonight.
So pass me the salt and a lemon,
Bend down and blow out the light.

CHORUS

Sheila I'm hearin' your heartbeat,
But I'm hearing footsteps outside.
The courtyard is crawlin' with them Federales
And Sheila, there's no place to hide,
Now I don't know who could have tipped 'em,
Nobody knew it but you,
But I never have trusted the women,
Sheila here's what I'm going to do. Yeah!

CHORUS

Pour me another tequila,
I'm goin' ta put on your red satin dress
You put on my clothes,
And you go out and face the dealer.
And Sheila I wish you the best.
I never trusted in women,
Sheila I trusted you tonight.
So pour me another tequila Sheila,
And I'll run for the border again.

Yeah! Pour me another tequilla, Sheila,
As I ride for the border tonight.

I had an atari growing up!

he horde must indeed have a great reputation if a country is throwing us a pre-pillage party.

the Thraeryn is correct sonora will make an excellent base of operations for plundering the whole country.

will we be annexing mexico or should i bring a passport to get back home when we're done.

I say as we thunder down the coast, we stop in a few places. San Francisco for one. Much plunder to be found in the Bay Area, we can even have crab by the bay. Also just south of there, is a place called silicone, or silicon valley. Personally I hope it is the first. Filled with wenches and lusty lasses with those silicone implants. If it is the other there should be much high tech booty to plunder. Then I would like to stop and wipe out the armpit of California.............Bakersfield. Well, just because we can.

I think that's an excellent idea, Hard8s. A field of bakers is an excellent thing for a growing Horde to have, be they in an armpit or not.

I agree with Hard8s. Let us cut a swath of destruction the likes of which California has never seen.

Is it too late to get on the ballot for governor?

Vote Kahn Troublebot!

My apologies, may the accursed thing light your tent at night with its hypnotizing flickering images of evil. It is in the trunk of the Volvo along with all of the other treasures. It's parked behind your tent.

I am leaning more and more in the direction of pillage Home Depot or Sears. I could use a good metric socket set and a laser level. This Yuppie crap is useless.

Possibly I could find a woman in the tool section that knows the difference between a worm drive circular saw and a hydraulic rivet gun.

Defileing yuppie women is like eating soup with a fork. The movements are the same but the satisfaction is less.

Slaughter awaits southward!

Buttcrust the befuddled

I want to be a horde member too.

I'll be known as Dano, the Manic-Depressive Murderer of the Tundra!

I say we hit all of the rich suburbs of Chicago. Then we can make a river raid on the Magnificent Mile in Chicago!

O One on High that reeks of Flatulence, Big Boss of the Stinking Horde, I conveyed your acceptance of the offer to the ambassador from Mexico. He Smiled nervously and said the Fiesta will begin Friday. I asked the ambassador why he was so fidgety (because after all, I do bathe) and he said that as the people are leaving Sonora Province, they are releasing all the prisoners from prisons and jails. I told him not to worry as I thought they would probably make excellent additions to our Stinking Horde. We are welcome to walk over the border at any time...Sonora is ours O Filthy of Filthiest.

On a more sour note...

Apparently word of the pending attack in California has leaked out and the San Francisco City Council has passed a resolution protesting that our Horde does not have enough Minority representation. (Even with our new former-Mexican brothers). It appears that they are refusing to be pillaged until we have greater diversity. (More women and such...)

BAH! The San Fransisco City Council will be the first to go! Their deaths will be slow and painful.

Buttcrust, many thanks for the Atari 2600! I will spend my spare time in thoughtful contemplation and attampting to defeat the tiny dots in Missile Command. May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman.

Let us gather our Mexican brothers and set off for California! Where does Jesse James live? I want a motor bike!

SAN FRANCISCO??? What happened to sunny Mexico? Has the Atari 2600 already worked some evil on your mind? Alas, I thought it might be under a curse of some sort.

San Francisco is beyond help from mere mortals. It is one of my favorite villages but it is as a rudderless ship, doomed to sail in mindless circles. No one at the wheel with the wit to steer even a wandering course.

I cannot partake in this slaughter as I only kill adults, to kill the city council would be like the slaughter of imbeciles, or mewling kittens.

By the way, the seed of my loins has been fruitful in the belly of my woman one time more than was planned.

I was drugged, taken to the vet, and my orbs of manhood rendered null of fruitfull seed.

Beware women bearing drugs!

Buttcrust the Barren

mighty buttcrust what's up with the sudden bout of morals and ethics.

i say we are a horde we mush crush everything in our path and incur maximum devastation on all who attempt to resist.

I can't believe we're having an ethics discussion.

What has this Horde come too?

I, martinitime the alchemist, mixer of drinks, would like to join the Horde.
I want to take all of the vineyards in California from the washed up Hollywood types and turn them into a cash cow for the Horde.

I'll be needing a bank teller as an assitant.

My apologies but even I have standards. This "city council" would be beneath even my low standards. Ethics be damned. I will not have my axe tainted by such low born curs.

I must have foes worthy of my blade.

Fear not, Mighty Buttcrust. We will find foes that will prove your already proven mettle.

Perhaps we can place an ad.

Welcome martinitime the alchemist! This horde needs a bartender. Someone get that man a bank teller.

Thank you Kahn Troublebot, I feel right at home.

Is that up or on the rocks?

i would like to volunteer for the position of barback. no one washes stemware like the damp & dangerous!

now i am beyond belief.....

Agreed damp and dangerous, the learning curve is steep, but if you drink fast, it levels off quickly.

I have no such resolutions about the city council. My flail can not be tarnished more then it already has been by the blood of the Micro Softies....

On a dark desert highway
Cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy, and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be Heaven or this could be Hell
Then she lit up a candle
And she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely place (background)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year
Any time of year (background)
You can find it here
You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany twisted
She's got the Mercedes bends
She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys
That she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard
Sweet summer sweat
Some dance to remember
Some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain
Please bring me my wine
He said
We haven't had that spirit here since 1969
And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely Place
Such a lovely Place (background)
Such a lovely face
They're livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise
What a nice surprise (background)
Bring your alibies

Mirrors on the ceiling
Pink champagne on ice
And she said
We are all just prisoners here
Of our own device
And in the master's chambers
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives
But they just can't kill the beast
Last thing I remember
I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
Relax said the nightman
We are programed to recieve
You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave

I think the answer lies in his mute'd muttering
Sounds like he needs some steroids as he is lacking in the testosterone category now. A little Vitamin T (tequila) from Mexico will do him well.

As far as I know the election has been postponed due to a stinky Horde running rampant through the countryside. They are waiting to see what is left before redistricting again. Kind of hard to vote when everyone is being pillaged, eh!

When all is said and pillaged I vote TROUBLEBOT. At least we know where his loyalties lie!!!

I dimpled my ballot.... What do I do now?

I second Bones suggestion.... I am a member of both, and would prefer to see them both prosper. Plus he has his sister....something our horde could use.

Bah, Bones is a Hockey Hater. The Horde needs nothing with him. Besides he used to say it all the time "you can never trust a monkey"

"Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape" - Charleton Heston

Here, my Khan. Maps for the geographically challenged.

The state of California:
>>>http://www.cftech.com/BrainBank/GEOG...California.jpg<<<

One of the state of Sonora:
>>>http://www.virtualmex.com/sonora_sct.jpg<<<

And one of Mexico:
>>>http://www.virtualmex.com/map-mex.gif<<<

If any fellow hordesmen can find more detailed maps of Mexico and Sonora, I will give you one of my more comely slaves if you would post them.
After the Khan is through with her, of course. ;)

(more background music for the Horde...)

Well, I’m going out west where I belong
Where the days are short and the nights are long
Where they walk and I’ll walk
They twist and I’ll twist
They shimmy and I’ll shimmy
They fly and I’ll fly
Well they’re out there having fun
In that warm California sun.

Well, I’m going out west out on the coast
Where the California girls are really the most
Where they walk and I’ll walk
They twist and I’ll twist
They shimmy and I’ll shimmy
They fly and I’ll fly
Well they’re out there having fun
In that warm California sun.

Well the girls are frisky in old ‘Frisco
A pretty little chick wherever you go
A-a-and they’ll walk and I’ll walk
They’ll twist and I’ll twist
They’ll shimmy and I’ll shimmy
They’ll fly and I’ll fly
Well they’re out there having fun
In that warm California sun

Yeah they’re out there having fun
In that warm California sun

You know, Khan, I wonder if Arnold would join our Horde after he becomes governor. We could rampage with impunity!!!

I do still need that tequila tithe. I have a Bucket O' Margaritas in the cupboard of my tent that is sitting unused. Such an injustice must not be permitted! *starts waving his blades around*

After California and Mexico have fallen, I suggest that we move onward to Texas. It's nice country, but entirely too full of Republicans. It should be full of dead Republicans! :D

Oh, I must be a part of this horde!

I shall be Averett, Lady of the Horde. Much like Helene of Troy, I am most beautiful. But I am vicious. I am a great fighter.

I say we invade Canada. Its a lovely land, and it should be ours!

Now, wheres my horse? I long to ride bareback naked, with my long hair flowing, and my large breasts bouncing.

Replace Republicans with Politicians, and I would agree. We should be an equal opportunity Horde. All politicians are the source of evil in a happy world. (Some are just more evil than others.)

and...

Neigh!

Bones,

You know your army is always welcome with my horde. An alliance would truly benefit us both.

We're planning on taking California. How about a two-pronged attack? My horde will be coming from the south and, deferring to Buttcrust, we'll let you and your army have San Fransisco.

Yours in Warfare,
Troublebot the blistered
Kahn,
Troublebot Horde

Helllloooo Averett!

Why don't you step into my tent and we can discuss "battle strategy"?

I am asking for a small division of the Hordre to come with me to track down a few members of the Earth Liberation Front in California. We should run them Over with Large SUVs!

They must be crushed.

(still more background music for the horde, dedicated to our new female member, Averett...)

Along the sand,
Let's walk the shore together, now, just hand in hand.
It's gonna be fair weather, now,
When the stars come out, stop to count them in the sky.

Love California nights,
When I'm walkin' with you hand in hand by the shore,
Yes, I love California nights,
At the beach where we'd swim with the tide rolling in.

And there will be beneath the midnight sky above
Just you and me, and we will whisper words of love
While the fire light softly flickers in the sand.

Warm California nights,
With the breeze blowin' in - time for love to begin.
I would miss California nights if I went on my way,
Thinkin' now that I'll stay.

Ooh, baby,
Love you, baby,
Mm, baby.

Love California nights,
Always close as a kiss, nothing's sweeter than this,
And we'll spend California nights,
Always close as a kiss...

(Fade Out)

ALL RIGHT! Who put the "Kick Me" note on the back of my loin cloth?

Come on, fess up, no one needs to die over this just as long as the guilty party fesses up!

I promise that no one will die, just a little excruitiating pain, some stark terror, and it's over.

Buttcrust the Baffled











I'm waiting!

'twas not i, oh encrusted one...

Me neither, I'm not that stupid.

Could be someone over there though...

*Points in the general direction of Thraeryn.

go ahead.....just don't fuck with our maple syrup....oh and.....leave our goddamn beavers alone too.

and don't even think about stealin' our beer either.

Oh dont worry my friend! I want the maple syrup... And beer. And beavers are fantastic. And the men. Oh, those Canadian men...

I'm just trying to gain your national treasures :)

Oh mighty Khan, what have I done to displeas- oh, hi, Buttcrust! No, no, I don't know anything aboutasignIdon'tevenknowhowtowriteAAAAAAAAHHHH! *starts waving blades around frantically*

Hey, stay away from my beer, averett.

Actually, we'll pay you to take Quebec ;>

Can we take Rush?

I always enjoyed Rush.

If we're talking canadien singers I put claim to Shania Twain!

(background music just in case...)

{Spoken}
There's a province up in Canada that's right next door to ours.
It's called Saskatchewan. And, uh, in that province there's a
small town, uh, where nothing much ever happens, called
Saskatoon. This is a tune about that town. This is called
"Runnin' Back To Saskatoon".

------ harmonica ------

I been hangin' around gas stations
I been learnin' 'bout tires
I been talkin' to grease monkeys
I been workin' on cars

Moose Jaw saw a few, Moosomin too
Runnin' back to Saskatoon
Red Deer, Terrace and a Medicine Hat
Sing another prairie tune
Sing another prairie tune

I been hangin' around libraries
I been learnin' 'bout books
I been talkin' to playwriters
I been workin' on words, phrases

Moose Jaw saw a few, Moosomin too
Runnin' back to Saskatoon
Red Deer, Terrace and a Medicine Hat
Sing another prairie tune
Sing another prairie tune

I been hangin' around hospitals
I been learnin' 'bout dyin'
I been talkin' to heart doctors
I been workin' on disease

Moose Jaw saw a few, Moosomin too
Runnin' back to Saskatoon
Red Deer, Terrace and a Medicine Hat
Sing another prairie tune
Sing another prairie tune

This tune is home grown
Don't come from Hong Kong
This tune is home grown
Don't come from Hong Kong

I been hangin' around grain elevators
I been learnin' 'bout food
I been talkin' to soil farmers
I been workin' on land

Moose Jaw saw a few, Moosomin too
Runnin' back to Saskatoon
Red Deer, Terrace and a Medicine Hat
Sing another prairie tune
Sing another prairie tune

I been hangin' around camera stores
I been learnin' 'bout sight
I been talkin' to film makers
I been workin' on eyes

Moose Jaw saw a few, Moosomin too
Runnin' back to Saskatoon
Red Deer, Terrace and a Medicine Hat
Sing another prairie tune
Sing another prairie tune

This tune is home grown
Don't come from Hong Kong
This tune is home grown
Don't come from Hong Kong

I will be Kerrek, THE MOST FEARED BANK TELLER IN ALL THE LAND!! *stomps* I will rule with an IRON FIST! My change-giving shall be MIGHTY, and I WILL ADD A 15% GRATUITY TO ALL CARDS LEFT OVERNIGHT!! HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!!!!

Kahn of the Horde, you are mighty and wise, indeed! The Horde need not a spy, as we will pillage whom we please and need not know of them beforehand.

Indeed, a banker would be useful to our cause.

As our loot grows, we will need someone quick of mind to manage and invest our bounty.

I am Fire the everburning, weapons dealer and wandering adventurer- I declare my desire to join this horde and bring with me a fine arsenal and burning hatred for the frenchies of quebec- let us invade them and spill their blood like water

And I, Pyrate the Port Pillager, bring with me boundless experience of the eight seas (yes, there are eight of them-one where London used to be...) and a lust for carnage and carnal corruption. Enlist me, and you will enjoy the wonders and treasures of the oceans, hencetoforth belonging to me, but for you, mighty Leader of Pillagers, I will abdicate my mighty throne and serve under you.

Take me, and you take with you boundless knowledge of the seas and influence as vast as the skies above...And as a token of my allegiance to you, I give you the Pacific, and all the men and soldiers who control it. A small gift for a great man.

Wow. Our numbers grow so large that I cannot count them, not even using my feet! Hopefully analog can keep our accounts for us, much like Price Waterhouse. If we take over the Oscars, he can even do the vote-tallying for them! :D

Ah! As another great man once said, "I love it when a plan comes together."

Welcome to our new members. We are currently invading California. I was actually surprised not to see some of our more "active" members at the Emmy's last night. Perhaps they felt the gala was beneath them, perhaps they stayed away out of respect to John Ritter, I have no idea.

After California, I believe we're set our sights on Canada. No ones gotten back to be on what we're doing with progressive rock band Rush when we get them though.

I vote for a very slow beheading with a very dull axe, starting with the front of the neck and not the back.

Fucking "trees" song. I hate that crap. If I wanted to listen to a damned Chipmunks album, I'd have someone record the song, then speed it up like Nature intended. *starts waving blades around recklessly (again)*

Ahh, but we were there. Do you think Friends actually won an award because the show deserved it?

As for Rush, I nominate they be kept as the official court entertainers.

I was in mourning for Johnny Cash during the Emmys, and Kim Cattrall has once again snubbed my offer as her escort to the festivities.

(Hmmmmm, possibly she could be "borrowed" during the confusion of the hordes advance). Sorry, private moment there.

I feel the need for havoc and destruction. The San Francisco Starbucks shall rue my arrival. Free coffee and coffee derivatives for all the horde.

Keep the bean counters clear and ignore any "notes" that might appear on the backside of my loin cloth.

Harm not a single cable car or feel my wrath for they are holy to me!!! Consider yourselves warned.

(since we're still in california...)


CALIFORNIA EARTHQUAKE
Mama Cass Elliott


I heard they exploded,
The underground blast,
What they say's gonna happen,
Gonna happen at last,
That's the way it appears.

They tell me the fault line runs right through here,
So that may be,
That may be,
What's gonna happen gonna happen to me,
That's the way it appears.

They tell me the fault line runs right through here.

Atlantis will rise,
Sunset Boulevard will fall,
Where the beach used to be,
Won't be nothing at all,
That's the way it appears.

They tell me the fault line runs right through here
So that may be,
That may be,
What's gonna happen gonna happen to me,
That's the way it appears.

They tell me the fault line runs right through here.

O Greatly Soiled Chief of the Lice-Infested Stinking Horde, I bring bad tidings from the California Front. Apparently certain actors in Hollywood have been speaking out against our beloved Stinking Horde. Charlie Sheen is leading them and rumor has it that they think they actually wield power over the masses and people listen to what they say. They seem to be in their own reality and seem somehow disconnected from real life. Because of this, our weapons have little effect on them. When we whack off their heads, it has little effect on their intelligence. This has emboldened them to the point of making a made for TV movie about The Horde that will cast a negative light upon our exploits. The worst thing, O Leader of the Stinking Horde, is they insult you by casting Richard Simmons as you, Rupaul as Thraeryn, Wilfred Bremly as RockOgre , Rosie O’Donnell as Averett, a small ferret will play Uncle Phil, Wil Wheaton as ME and they will CGI everyone else as an Orc Wannabe rip off from Lord of the Rings. They plan on editing out the stinking, pillaging, killing, maiming, unwanted sexual advances and transform the Horde into a group of wandering Americore College Drop-outs trying to steal beer. They also plan on making a political statement against the California Recall Election by adding a gay love triangle with Our Glorious Leader Troublebot, Bones and The Ferret (Uncle Phil).

I was so angered by this information that I killed the messengers and ate them with nice Chianti.

We cannot stand for this. We must make haste to Hollywood to stop production of this farce.

What say thee O Glorious Leader?

What say thee O Stinking Horde?

(And I don't think Bones will have a favorable opinion of this development either.)

Rosie O'Donnell? Okay, now I'm pissed. These Californian bastards must pay!

RuPaul is kinda hot, but I'm still not happy about being portrayed by him/her. Why couldn't they have gotten Scott Thompson to play me like his "Buddy" character?

Anyway, expect there to be flash blood warnings all along the coast.

(i'll fix those evil, peta-loving scum...)


A SHELTER FERRET’S LOVE

Based on “Higher Love” by Steve Winwood



(The human)

I think about it, I must have ferret love,

Since my sweet Bandit crossed to the Bridge above.

Without him, my life is wasted time,

A Bandit-sized hole in this heart of mine.

I feel lonely everywhere;

In this whole world, that’s not fair!

Before one more day has gone by,

Gonna find a shelter guy!



Bring me some ferret love!

Bring me some ferret love!

Bring me some ferret love!

Where's that ferret love I keep thinking of?



(The Shelter ferret)

Worlds are turning and I’m just hanging on,

Facing my fear that I’ll always be alone.

A yearning, what I want to see

Is that some human comes and adopts me.

Homeless ferrets everywhere;

In this whole world, that’s not fair!

My Shelter Mom is good to me,

But a forever home – will it ever be?



Bring me a human’s love!

Bring me a human’s love!

Bring me a human’s love!

Where's that human love I keep thinking of?



Bring me a human’s love!

Bring me a human’s love!

Bring me a human’s love!

I would give so much for some human love!



At the shelter now,

I try and find a pal.

Will that human there choose me?

Is he the one for me?



“That’s him… That one there…”



Our hearts connect the first time that we meet.

Both of us together – it’s meant to be!

I gladly pay the shelter’s fee.

Now you’re gonna come home with me!!



I’ve got my ferret love!!

I’ve got my ferret love!!

I’ve got my ferret love!!

It’s that ferret love I kept thinking of!!!



I’ve got a human’s love!!

I’ve got a human’s love!!

I’ve got a human’s love!!

I will dance and look for my new human’s love!!!

Keep the hits comin', uncle phil. ;)

AYE! we must make them pay! pay and taste the meaning of the word californication! onward Hordesmen to that weird ass looking chinese theatre- we shall take their last castle and fly from it our flags stitched from actor skin. and after we have despoiled it we can expand to the rest of L.A. and begin the grand pillaging (and get great seats for ROTK)

Yes, we must make haste to that area of smog known as HOLLYWOOD. When we are done we will make a new sign on the hill made with the bodies of thse who protested our coming. We will tear down the Hollywod sign and make it say HORDEWOOD. I can see it now, then when we are done there we continue on to Mexico, where the women are hot and the beer is cold, or is that the other way around. I was still day dreaming of Canadian singers (Shania Twain dreams are the best....)!

First they put one of their own in the recall and now this...

An Orc wanabe..........

Why that Charlie Sheen..I will rip off his arm and shove it so far up his ass that he'll taste his own fingers from the inside out. Then I'll plunder his wife over and over again until she calls me Charlie!

hey, are we through pillaging california yet?

Well, while the homosexual love triangle doesn't phase me too much (I am an open-mided Kahn and have a "live and let live" policy with my horde) I'm totally enraged with Richard Simmons playing me. I'm more of a George Clooney mashed up with Dom DeLuise.

Burn Hollywood to the ground. I want nothing standing more than a foot high when I get there.

WILFERD BRIMLEY MUST DIE!!!

Perhaps we should save one cameraman and make a documentary with that title.

Would you like me to float Atlantis? It makes a good stealth spot, and noone but me knows its exact location. It is my home whenever I'm cruising in the Atlantic area. Your men can use it for leisure whenever they wish, preferably with each soldier holding a kicking and screaming village maiden over their shoulders...

Oh, and I'll take the 'spell' off of Bermuda's waters...feel free to have a look without fear of vanishing.

Oh, and I found this while terrorising the natives of Santa Barbara...

*Tosses Britney Spears to the feet of Kahn.*

Can I have her when you're done?

*Gives a quick shallow bow and rushes back to his LandCruiser to continue the destruction*

Not sure there'll be much left when I'm done.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I'll be in my tent with Miss Spears.

Troublebot the Piggy
Kahn
Troublebot Horde

BRING ME THE HEAD OF WILFRED BRIMLEY!

Charlie Sheen shall also feel the wrath of my axe.

Britney Spears? I seek REAL women, all bubblegummers will be immediately turned in at the Kahn's tent.

If anyone comes across Salma Hayek I will pay handsomely.

Ah, but you might as well 'play' with her while she dies slowly...double whammy.

And my Lord, don't worry about me...I'll be satisfied with her leg or scalp or something...

If anyone finds Joel Schmacher, bring him to me.

I have much to "discuss" with him about the handling of the Batman francise.

I may give him to Buttcrust to play with.

yes- Schmacher must pay- pay with his blood and orbs of manhood- for verily and forsooth none of us needed to see plastic bat nipples- yea he must feel the gentle carress of hot tongs and the agony of a singer handystitch on his various nubly bits..... Let us get on with the despoiling oh Kahn- for I long to add shatner's toupee to my collection of has been scalps....

I think I'm most upset with him for turning the batcave into a neon-encrusted vegas casino. Who the hell's gonna see it? Alfred?

I think we'll bring back drawing and quartering for Mr. Schumacher. Then, we'll attach his head to a pole for all to see as we ride down on their villages.

Naw, see, that's where playboy Bruce Wayne brings the ladies of more dubious persuasions. ;) There's a full bar, a theater-quality entertainment system, and not one, but TWO bedrooms, both with "role-playing attire" in the form of Bat-costumes! It's just like a themed hotel suite! :D

If we find anything like that in our plundering, I want it.

*Walks in sulking, cursing his bad luck at losing track of Mariah Carey in the midst of SoCal, thanks to Thaeryn's reckless charge through a crowd of moms and kids...*

Goddamn it, I just saw Conan out there...seems as though he's setting up his own little 'horde'. I say crush him. Now. Not because he's a formidable warrior, no, not because he is superhuman, but simply because he's trying to make our lifestyle 'fashionable'.

Try to be a little more 'restrained' in your pillaging next time Thaeryn...you've just cost this Pyrate the catch of his life!

Humph

Just took a walk down Rodeo drive.

Sigh. I remember when this horde was just a few of us, causeing trouble on this little street. Buttcrust roasting affluent women's tiny pet poodles.

Jeez, even a Kahn can get misty eyed now and then.

Mmmmmmmm, Poodle chili! Any one needs me I'll be hunting up on Nob Hill.

Ahhhhh

Rack of Poodle
Poodle Flambau
Poodle a la Orange
Filet of Poodle
Poodle Stroganoff
Poodle and Kitten stew, (With bisquits)
Poodle and dumplings
Poodle tartare
Poodle in a blanket
Mushroom smothered Poodle

And for desert, Mime brain pudding.

Who's up for some mime hunting? They are pretty easy to catch once the get caught in one of those invisible boxes. That, and they are always creeping up on you, just spin around and BLAMMO! One less mime.

Reminds me of "Rollin' Down Rodeo" by Rage Against The Machine.

Do you think they had a fledgling horde before we did? :p If so, I imagine that the folks of Rodeo Drive were used to pillaging before we came along. That's not nearly as fun.

I'll try to watch my pillaging next time. Just feed me lots of tequila before the battle and I won't move quite so quickly.