whose responsibility? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Supple Cow · 02-29-2004, 09:49 PM

I'm a big person for taking responsibility for things that are, well, my responsibility. I do my best with this, and when somebody points out that I'm not being responsible, I try to rectify it by correcting my behavior as soon as possible. This also leads me to expect the same from others, as much as I try not to expect much of anything from anyone.

My problem is that I'm a very emotional person once a month, during PMS, and I have been since I've been old enough to get my period. Every month, PMS sneaks up on me and starts mixing my ridiculous crankiness in with the real problems I'm having and the two become indistinguishable until it's too late (too late being the point after I've already said many stupid things to my boyfriend and we are in a fight). I know it's my fault once I realize what's happening, but at the same time, I can't really tell when it's going to happen and I don't exactly do it on purpose, so it isn't REALLY my fault. My only recourse (and this is me taking responsibility) is to recognize that this happens and to mistrust all of my feelings this week. Frankly, that sucks.

Who then should be responsible for avoiding this - should I put a reminder on my wall to stop trusting my own thoughts and feelings next month in a given week (and have a quarter of my remaining years before menopause suck) or should my boyfriend be held a little responsible for being a little more sensitive and forgiving once a month (when he's so good at keeping track of when I'm going to get my period anyway)?

(Ultimately, I feel like it is irresponsible for me to even think about asking him to do this, but the irrational PMS-ing part of my brain is forcing me to write this now. My, will I ever be glad when this week is over!)

brianna · 02-29-2004, 10:00 PM

ultimately i think you're responsible for your actions -- even when the' re homonally influenced. have you talked at all to your ob-gyn about your mood swings? i know that there have been a number of studies that show that birth control pills can help regulate hormone related mood swings.

Supple Cow · 02-29-2004, 10:17 PM

I guess I asked this question poorly because I do believe that it's ultimately my responsibility. The real question is whether or not it is reasonable to mention it to him and ask for a little help anyway. I mentioned the stuff about responsibility because it is those views that I hold which make it difficult me to ask things like this of him.

gabshu · 03-01-2004, 09:25 AM

I think you should metion it, and he will probably be a little more understanding. I also have those problems with moods, and when I realize that I'm being stupid I tell my SO to ignore me and carry on being a bitch about whatever. You can make it work with contributions from both of you.

ladyadmin · 03-01-2004, 12:51 PM

You can mention it to him but it's ultimately your own responsibility for your actions. It's not his fault you are PMSing and nothing should be taken out on him. If you experience drastic mood swings and know it's almost the time of the month then try to control what you say that would cause a bad reaction to him. Speak to your gyn and see if there are any medications to take to help with hormonal balance and the swings.

Until a guy actually knew what it felt like to have a period, I doubt any of them could be fully comforting and understanding. After all, some girls just bitch bitch bitch when it isn't their time of the month.

lurkette · 03-01-2004, 01:40 PM

I think the answer is that you're both 100% responsible. I know that's kind of paradoxical, but it seems to be a "relationship rule" that works. If you're responsible for the fact that you're moody during that time of the month (which means taking actions to either keep yourself from getting upset, or cleaning it up afterwards if you're beastly), and he's responsible for being extra caring and not taking in personally, everyone's happy. If one person's carrying all the load, there's resentment. Even if both people are carrying half the load (the 50-50 compromise that most people think of in relationships) you still end up fighting half the time. Most people are willing to go the extra mile if you are.

And asking him to be understanding is not really shoving responsibility off on him - it's taking responsibility for the fact that you know you are moody and irrational due to hormones, and giving him a chance to respond. He can always say "no, I'd rather just avoid you for three days if you don't mind" but most people appreciate being asked instead of it just being assuming they OUGHT to be more forgiving (and then having you gett upset when they're not). Communication = good.

raeanna74 · 03-01-2004, 07:09 PM

There is nothing wrong with asking him for help. Asking for him to be a little more forgiving, to help you recognize when you're getting cranky too, and to not take things personally then. Hubby is very patient with me then. He knows when I'm not myself and will ask me if anything is wrong or upsetting me. If nothing specific has happened to upset me it usually puts me on alert and I realize that I've gotten cranky because of PMS even though I didn't recognize it. It never hurts to communicate with your SO. As long as you acknowlege to him that you feel responsible for it there is nothing wrong with asking him to help you out when you are weeker emotionally. It tells him that you don't want to be that way, or hurt his feelings even accidentally.

Also the checking on bc pills might be a good idea. I take some - 91 day cycle - so less PMS and I know exactly when the crankiness will set in. lol About day two of being on placebo. I warn hubby often and he knows to brush off my whinyness.

sexymama · 03-02-2004, 06:59 AM

I agree with lurkette. You are responsible for your actions. He, simply because he loves you, should be more patient.

Just an FYI -- I turned into a raving *itch every month and hated it! Then I found out about Sarafem (a mild anti-depresent). I take it during PMS week every month and am much happier. I don't regret what I've done or said and those around me don't even notice my PMS. It is my "miracle happy pill."

02-29-2004, 09:49 PM	#1 (permalink)
Supple Cow Americow, the Beautiful Location: Washington, D.C.	whose responsibility? I'm a big person for taking responsibility for things that are, well, my responsibility. I do my best with this, and when somebody points out that I'm not being responsible, I try to rectify it by correcting my behavior as soon as possible. This also leads me to expect the same from others, as much as I try not to expect much of anything from anyone. My problem is that I'm a very emotional person once a month, during PMS, and I have been since I've been old enough to get my period. Every month, PMS sneaks up on me and starts mixing my ridiculous crankiness in with the real problems I'm having and the two become indistinguishable until it's too late (too late being the point after I've already said many stupid things to my boyfriend and we are in a fight). I know it's my fault once I realize what's happening, but at the same time, I can't really tell when it's going to happen and I don't exactly do it on purpose, so it isn't REALLY my fault. My only recourse (and this is me taking responsibility) is to recognize that this happens and to mistrust all of my feelings this week. Frankly, that sucks. Who then should be responsible for avoiding this - should I put a reminder on my wall to stop trusting my own thoughts and feelings next month in a given week (and have a quarter of my remaining years before menopause suck) or should my boyfriend be held a little responsible for being a little more sensitive and forgiving once a month (when he's so good at keeping track of when I'm going to get my period anyway)? (Ultimately, I feel like it is irresponsible for me to even think about asking him to do this, but the irrational PMS-ing part of my brain is forcing me to write this now. My, will I ever be glad when this week is over!) __________________ "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." (Michael Jordan)

02-29-2004, 10:17 PM	#3 (permalink)
Supple Cow Americow, the Beautiful Location: Washington, D.C.	I guess I asked this question poorly because I do believe that it's ultimately my responsibility. The real question is whether or not it is reasonable to mention it to him and ask for a little help anyway. I mentioned the stuff about responsibility because it is those views that I hold which make it difficult me to ask things like this of him. __________________ "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." (Michael Jordan)

03-01-2004, 09:25 AM	#4 (permalink)
gabshu Psycho Location: The capital of the free world??	I think you should metion it, and he will probably be a little more understanding. I also have those problems with moods, and when I realize that I'm being stupid I tell my SO to ignore me and carry on being a bitch about whatever. You can make it work with contributions from both of you. __________________ Go Kool Aid. OH YEAAHH http://www.retrocrush.com/archive2003/koolaid/

03-01-2004, 12:51 PM	#5 (permalink)
ladyadmin Insane	You can mention it to him but it's ultimately your own responsibility for your actions. It's not his fault you are PMSing and nothing should be taken out on him. If you experience drastic mood swings and know it's almost the time of the month then try to control what you say that would cause a bad reaction to him. Speak to your gyn and see if there are any medications to take to help with hormonal balance and the swings. Until a guy actually knew what it felt like to have a period, I doubt any of them could be fully comforting and understanding. After all, some girls just bitch bitch bitch when it isn't their time of the month. __________________ The Programmers' Cheer Shift to the left, shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

03-01-2004, 01:40 PM	#6 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	I think the answer is that you're both 100% responsible. I know that's kind of paradoxical, but it seems to be a "relationship rule" that works. If you're responsible for the fact that you're moody during that time of the month (which means taking actions to either keep yourself from getting upset, or cleaning it up afterwards if you're beastly), and he's responsible for being extra caring and not taking in personally, everyone's happy. If one person's carrying all the load, there's resentment. Even if both people are carrying half the load (the 50-50 compromise that most people think of in relationships) you still end up fighting half the time. Most people are willing to go the extra mile if you are. And asking him to be understanding is not really shoving responsibility off on him - it's taking responsibility for the fact that you know you are moody and irrational due to hormones, and giving him a chance to respond. He can always say "no, I'd rather just avoid you for three days if you don't mind" but most people appreciate being asked instead of it just being assuming they OUGHT to be more forgiving (and then having you gett upset when they're not). Communication = good. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

02-29-2004, 10:00 PM	#2 (permalink)
brianna Addict Location: nyc	ultimately i think you're responsible for your actions -- even when the' re homonally influenced. have you talked at all to your ob-gyn about your mood swings? i know that there have been a number of studies that show that birth control pills can help regulate hormone related mood swings.

03-01-2004, 07:09 PM	#7 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	There is nothing wrong with asking him for help. Asking for him to be a little more forgiving, to help you recognize when you're getting cranky too, and to not take things personally then. Hubby is very patient with me then. He knows when I'm not myself and will ask me if anything is wrong or upsetting me. If nothing specific has happened to upset me it usually puts me on alert and I realize that I've gotten cranky because of PMS even though I didn't recognize it. It never hurts to communicate with your SO. As long as you acknowlege to him that you feel responsible for it there is nothing wrong with asking him to help you out when you are weeker emotionally. It tells him that you don't want to be that way, or hurt his feelings even accidentally. Also the checking on bc pills might be a good idea. I take some - 91 day cycle - so less PMS and I know exactly when the crankiness will set in. lol About day two of being on placebo. I warn hubby often and he knows to brush off my whinyness. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

03-02-2004, 06:59 AM	#8 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	I agree with lurkette. You are responsible for your actions. He, simply because he loves you, should be more patient. Just an FYI -- I turned into a raving *itch every month and hated it! Then I found out about Sarafem (a mild anti-depresent). I take it during PMS week every month and am much happier. I don't regret what I've done or said and those around me don't even notice my PMS. It is my "miracle happy pill." __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.