my boyfriend. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

darksparkles · 07-20-2003, 04:03 PM

i've seen how a lot of people get great feedback from posting about their crazy relationships on here, and you're all wonderful women so i'll give this a shot.

first of all, history: we've been together over a year and a half now. my boyfriend [billy] and i have weird sleep clocks so me calling him at 2:48 pm is actually a regular occurance, even when he has work in the morning because a lot of the time he's up getting drunk with his buddies. and he's bipolar, that's an important fact to know when looking at this.

i went to a mutual friend's band's show last night, which was fun. billy was going to come with me but backed out at the last minute because he was tired and hurt because no one that was going to be at the show had made any attempt to contact him recently, but he said that he loves me and for me to go ahead and go and have fun. he said to call me when i get home.

now, i had a bit of a history of obsessive-compulsive calling and panicking when i can't get a hold of him, but it'd been a year since i'd done it to the point of a whole lot of annoyance for him. first i called him when i was transfering busses, because i had a bit of a wait and i was downtown past 11pm and am a helpless female. his phone was off [he only has his cell phone because he doesn't want to pay two bills]. so i said oh well, left a message and eventually got on a bus and called him when i got home. his phone was off still but i followed what he wanted me to do and i left a message. an hour or so later i still didn't get a call so i called again and it rang, and i left another one. i ended up calling a total of 5 times, including when the phone was off, and leaving four messages out of worry and panic. the last call was at 2:48 [i remember the time because he repeated it a lot later.]

i still haven't gotten a call from him in the morning so i call him about when he's waking up. he's friendly when i first call him but then says that he has to get ready for work. i say ok and let him go. then i get a call around 5, 10 minutes later that's just him yelling at me for calling him that early and for calling him so damn much and what the hell do i want? that was resonably ok, i'd be pissed if someone woke me up a way i didn't wanna be woken up, too, but it still hurt. then he calls me around <b>2 pm</b>, twice, just to yell the same things over and over again about how i should <i>never</i> do that again and why the hell did i do it and why didn't i give him a chance to call me in the morning like i told him to in the last message, etc etc. and he called me woman, which he'd never done before in a serious context... and he mentioned that we'd been down that road before. it didn't seem to matter to him that that was a year ago.

i'm packing for a week-long trip that i'm leaving for tomorrow [we were gonna say goodbye today], and i pick up my cellphone and it has a message. evidently i wasn't answering the regular phone [i don't remember it ringing] and my cellphone was off [it just wasn't getting signal- it does that and he should know that by now.] he assumed i was "playing that way" and avoiding him. i hadn't been. then he says "have fun, i'll see you when you get back. bye." i try calling him back and he did a thing that he commonly does in arguments, the thing that bugs me the most - he picks up his phone and hangs up and doesn't even let me leave a message.

this time i had a mutual friend call him and leave a message with everything i wanted to say and an apology for sending a messenger, but i couldn't get a word in any other way. he still hasn't called me back.

he's like the little girl with the curl in the middle of his forehead- when he's good he's very very good and when he's bad he's horrid. and he was completely, totally good for the first several months. but when we're fighting, he's a total asshole. he's never hit me or anything like that, but he yells and yells and yells and doesn't like to let me get a word in until i'm speechless, and then when i don't talk he hangs up.

as for breaking up with him, which a few people have said i should do, i'm really confused. i think if i see him today and he's still like this, i might say that i want a break, because i really am having trouble taking this relationship. but then when he's very, very good, i just always see the relationship getting better, like he's going through a phase or something. i don't know if its connected with him moving out of his parents house and smoking pot every day or not, but that might be a big part of it, as the whole every-day part of it started around when he started doing this. maybe its messing with how he's bipolar, i heard something about how pot can switch it to type 2. but, if i see him again and he's nice, i know i just won't be able to do it. he's such a huge part of my life. he's my best friend, too... and i'm also worried that if i leave him that he'll be worse off, and that goes against all that i feel about love.

i'd just love any feedback that anyone has on this... new perspectives.

darksparkles · 07-20-2003, 04:03 PM

my god, that's long.
sorry.

*Nikki* · 07-20-2003, 04:54 PM

I hate to say this but it sounds like you are not his number one priority. I went through this kind of thing for six years. It took me being with a real man to see just how bad I had been treated in the past and how much shit I put up with.

What it boils down to is no matter how much history you have with this guy and no matter how long you have been together he needs to respect you. It doesn't sound like a whole lot of that is going on.

If you truely love someone and care for them you don't treat them like a piece of crap.

Give him something to think about. Let HIM go. Give him space. See what he does when thinks you won't be around anymore.

That is the true test of his feelings.

lurkette · 07-20-2003, 05:25 PM

I agree with Nikki - best friends or not, yelling and screaming at you is not healthy behavior, for him or for you. Since this seems to be a pattern, I'd guess that not a lot is going to change, and it's up to you whether you can live with that or not.

Not only is giving him space a test of his feelings, it's a test of yours, as well. You might find out that you like being independent and that you don't miss his shit.

If he's "worse off" without you, emotionally, it's not your problem, it's his. Don't sacrifice your happiness to be someone else's emotional security blanket. None of those stories have happy endings. Do what's right for you.

Concertina · 07-20-2003, 05:56 PM

Amen Nikki....it's all about respect....

YOU are not be respected...
THAT is not acceptable....
Him getting worse as a result of the breakup is not your fault. Do not allow him to play that game with you.

just my $.02....go with your gut.

m

anti fishstick · 07-20-2003, 06:14 PM

breaking up is something you have to do for YOURSELF. you can't think about the other person when doing it. it may sound mean or heartless but it's just something you have to keep in mind. regardless of what may happen after the breakup (him being worse off, etc), go with your gut. like everyone else said

i heard once that relationships just illuminate the problems you already have. which i believe to be true. it may sound pessimistic of a relationship but if you have a temper problem, etc already, that's going to show up in a relationship. it's -not- your fault.

TanteMegs · 07-20-2003, 08:07 PM

I don't want to sound too harsh or anything, but you really have to ask yourself whether or not you like being abused. Because no matter what anyone else says, that is exactly what he is doing.
My sister went through this type of relationship with her first love/ fiancee, it wasn't until Christmas that she realized that he didn't love her. He gave her her engagment ring, after being engaged for about 6 months, with a little note attached to it, basically saying that he loved her but he hated her family and that she needed to choose between him and us. Well, she chose wisely, and got drunk :-).
So, I agree with all of the other ladies, but I got a different feel of it probably than they did. You need to take a few months or weeks off from him and decide if you REALLY need him or if you THINK that you need him.

Just my two cents worth.

Megs

BlueBongo · 07-20-2003, 08:53 PM

I agree with Nikki and Tante on this issue. I watched my sister get verbally abused and harassed by a psycho guy that can't get over the fact that she is FINALLY leaving him. This guy has gone so far as to threaten a male friend of my sister's life and he has recorded conversations she has had with family and friends for the past few months they lived together. He is also bi-polar and smoke a lot.. he has huge anger problems and is just an asshole in general. Unfortunately my sister a lot like my mother for the fact that she is a weak person.. always thinking things will get better and that it's a phase....
You just have to get yourself out of that unhealthy situation. I hate to see people treated like shit and this guy sounds a lot like my sister's ex... it will build up to a very bad situation later.

cheerios · 07-20-2003, 09:15 PM

remember: if you'er not happy, it's not worth it. and i mean happy MORE than 50% of the time. ie: more than just when he's good.

Mel · 07-20-2003, 11:16 PM

Don't break up with him, it doesn't sound like that is what you want to do...he's such a big part of your life, and you two were really happy, you just had a fight. He's probably just going through a faze like you said and it's a bit hard for him at the moment. But he shouldn't have yelled at you like that, you didn't deserve that. Give him and yourself a bit of time, then talk about it...

motdakasha · 07-20-2003, 11:37 PM

The most important information you provided was the fact that he's bi-polar. You can't really take in the whole scenario and interpret it just like any other one. Dating someone who's bi-polar is more than a handful. (Bipolar I ). It sounds like when his phone was off the hook, he was probably in his manic state. Do you know if he takes meds for it? If you can somehow pull it off without agitating him further, try to find out if he's still taking them or if he stopped. If he stopped taking them, that's probably what triggered the mania. Pot could also trigger it.. it depends on the person, though, I think. Alcohol is worse, iirc.

It sounds like, minus the mania, he is really a nice guy. You have to ask yourself if you can deal with his mood episodes.

One of my friends dated a guy who was bi-polar for about 1.5 years. Personally, I think this guy was using his mood disorder as a means to manipulate her. Well, he was manipulating her, but the question was if it was intentional or not. He wasn't a good guy if you looked past the disorder. Your guy doesn't sound like he's truly bad once you strip away the chemical imbalance. Again, it's a handful but if you're willing to deal with it then it's up to you to decide if you want to stay or not.

darksparkles · 07-21-2003, 12:17 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by motdakasha
The most important information you provided was the fact that he's bi-polar. You can't really take in the whole scenario and interpret it just like any other one. Dating someone who's bi-polar is more than a handful. (Bipolar I ). It sounds like when his phone was off the hook, he was probably in his manic state. Do you know if he takes meds for it? If you can somehow pull it off without agitating him further, try to find out if he's still taking them or if he stopped. If he stopped taking them, that's probably what triggered the mania. Pot could also trigger it.. it depends on the person, though, I think. Alcohol is worse, iirc.

It sounds like, minus the mania, he is really a nice guy. You have to ask yourself if you can deal with his mood episodes.

One of my friends dated a guy who was bi-polar for about 1.5 years. Personally, I think this guy was using his mood disorder as a means to manipulate her. Well, he was manipulating her, but the question was if it was intentional or not. He wasn't a good guy if you looked past the disorder. Your guy doesn't sound like he's truly bad once you strip away the chemical imbalance. Again, it's a handful but if you're willing to deal with it then it's up to you to decide if you want to stay or not.

he's never taken medication for it... he's stubborn and says that he's self-medicating with the pot, which is evidently what his uncle did... it helped his uncle, i'm not sure if its helping him.

and yeah, i've read up on it a lot... thanks for the link, i'm always welcoming new information about it because of him.

as far as alcohol, he quit for a while, but is drinking again now, although his use of that isn't as excessive as the pot.

he's not truly bad underneath it all ... we talked it over later and its times like that that keep me with him. i stood up to him the next time we were on the phone and i think that eventually led to talking it out. but yeah. its just getting to be so much of a strain on my own emotional problems.. i'm not diagnosed with anything, though, so i can't use it as an excuse. that'd be a shitty thing to do, anyway.

motdakasha · 07-21-2003, 12:52 AM

he should see a psychiatrist and see if there is any meds. that can help even out the chemicals. "self-medicating" with pot is just plain stupid, imo. there is an extremely high suicide rate for men who get depressive mood episodes. so there should be some reason for concern if he cares for himself at all.

also, it's extremely common for bipolar people to think they don't need medication even if they have prescriptions. so there will probably be resistance if you try to get him the help that he likely needs.

angela146 · 07-21-2003, 10:54 PM

It sounds like you don't want to give up on him just yet.

Let me make a suggestion.

*If* you want to stay with him, you have to deal with the yelling.

Most men yell from time to time. Your man is yelling more than that. Maybe you can defuse it.

A lot of women react to anger/yelling by talking softly to try to cool him down. That's usually a mistake.

Does this sound like you: He's yelling, you respond by talking calmly and quieter than normal (the natural thing to do). This just makes him angrier and makes him think you aren't "getting it". His response is to yell louder, you then quiet down even more and it all spins out of control.

Instead, try this: He yells. You reply in a voice louder than normal but one notch softer than his. Hopefully, he will yell back with a little less volume and intensity. You then step it down a little more.

Important: Do not "push back". You aren't trying to shout him down. You're trying to "de-escalate". Most of all, don't yell louder than he does.

By yelling back at a slightly reduced level, you're telling him that you hear his anger and you're not ignoring him. You *aren't* threatening him by yelling louder. You're with him "in the moment".

Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. If it doesn't, at least you tried and you can walk away from the relationship knowing that you gave it a chance.

bykyyeager · 07-22-2003, 02:15 PM

I Have to agree with angela146

07-20-2003, 04:03 PM	#1 (permalink)
darksparkles Insane Location: Seattle	my boyfriend. i've seen how a lot of people get great feedback from posting about their crazy relationships on here, and you're all wonderful women so i'll give this a shot. first of all, history: we've been together over a year and a half now. my boyfriend [billy] and i have weird sleep clocks so me calling him at 2:48 pm is actually a regular occurance, even when he has work in the morning because a lot of the time he's up getting drunk with his buddies. and he's bipolar, that's an important fact to know when looking at this. i went to a mutual friend's band's show last night, which was fun. billy was going to come with me but backed out at the last minute because he was tired and hurt because no one that was going to be at the show had made any attempt to contact him recently, but he said that he loves me and for me to go ahead and go and have fun. he said to call me when i get home. now, i had a bit of a history of obsessive-compulsive calling and panicking when i can't get a hold of him, but it'd been a year since i'd done it to the point of a whole lot of annoyance for him. first i called him when i was transfering busses, because i had a bit of a wait and i was downtown past 11pm and am a helpless female. his phone was off [he only has his cell phone because he doesn't want to pay two bills]. so i said oh well, left a message and eventually got on a bus and called him when i got home. his phone was off still but i followed what he wanted me to do and i left a message. an hour or so later i still didn't get a call so i called again and it rang, and i left another one. i ended up calling a total of 5 times, including when the phone was off, and leaving four messages out of worry and panic. the last call was at 2:48 [i remember the time because he repeated it a lot later.] i still haven't gotten a call from him in the morning so i call him about when he's waking up. he's friendly when i first call him but then says that he has to get ready for work. i say ok and let him go. then i get a call around 5, 10 minutes later that's just him yelling at me for calling him that early and for calling him so damn much and what the hell do i want? that was resonably ok, i'd be pissed if someone woke me up a way i didn't wanna be woken up, too, but it still hurt. then he calls me around <b>2 pm</b>, twice, just to yell the same things over and over again about how i should <i>never</i> do that again and why the hell did i do it and why didn't i give him a chance to call me in the morning like i told him to in the last message, etc etc. and he called me woman, which he'd never done before in a serious context... and he mentioned that we'd been down that road before. it didn't seem to matter to him that that was a year ago. i'm packing for a week-long trip that i'm leaving for tomorrow [we were gonna say goodbye today], and i pick up my cellphone and it has a message. evidently i wasn't answering the regular phone [i don't remember it ringing] and my cellphone was off [it just wasn't getting signal- it does that and he should know that by now.] he assumed i was "playing that way" and avoiding him. i hadn't been. then he says "have fun, i'll see you when you get back. bye." i try calling him back and he did a thing that he commonly does in arguments, the thing that bugs me the most - he picks up his phone and hangs up and doesn't even let me leave a message. this time i had a mutual friend call him and leave a message with everything i wanted to say and an apology for sending a messenger, but i couldn't get a word in any other way. he still hasn't called me back. he's like the little girl with the curl in the middle of his forehead- when he's good he's very very good and when he's bad he's horrid. and he was completely, totally good for the first several months. but when we're fighting, he's a total asshole. he's never hit me or anything like that, but he yells and yells and yells and doesn't like to let me get a word in until i'm speechless, and then when i don't talk he hangs up. as for breaking up with him, which a few people have said i should do, i'm really confused. i think if i see him today and he's still like this, i might say that i want a break, because i really am having trouble taking this relationship. but then when he's very, very good, i just always see the relationship getting better, like he's going through a phase or something. i don't know if its connected with him moving out of his parents house and smoking pot every day or not, but that might be a big part of it, as the whole every-day part of it started around when he started doing this. maybe its messing with how he's bipolar, i heard something about how pot can switch it to type 2. but, if i see him again and he's nice, i know i just won't be able to do it. he's such a huge part of my life. he's my best friend, too... and i'm also worried that if i leave him that he'll be worse off, and that goes against all that i feel about love. i'd just love any feedback that anyone has on this... new perspectives. __________________ "I could be the walrus ... I'd still have to bum rides off people." -Ferris Bueller.

07-20-2003, 04:03 PM	#2 (permalink)
darksparkles Insane Location: Seattle	my god, that's long. sorry. __________________ "I could be the walrus ... I'd still have to bum rides off people." -Ferris Bueller.

07-20-2003, 05:25 PM	#4 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	I agree with Nikki - best friends or not, yelling and screaming at you is not healthy behavior, for him or for you. Since this seems to be a pattern, I'd guess that not a lot is going to change, and it's up to you whether you can live with that or not. Not only is giving him space a test of his feelings, it's a test of yours, as well. You might find out that you like being independent and that you don't miss his shit. If he's "worse off" without you, emotionally, it's not your problem, it's his. Don't sacrifice your happiness to be someone else's emotional security blanket. None of those stories have happy endings. Do what's right for you. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

07-20-2003, 05:56 PM	#5 (permalink)
Concertina Upright Location: Between the 1st and 40th drink...	Amen Nikki....it's all about respect.... YOU are not be respected... THAT is not acceptable.... Him getting worse as a result of the breakup is not your fault. Do not allow him to play that game with you. just my $.02....go with your gut. m __________________ ~I got a fever above my waist~

07-20-2003, 06:14 PM	#6 (permalink)
anti fishstick Post-modernism meets Individualism AKA the Clash Location: oregon	breaking up is something you have to do for YOURSELF. you can't think about the other person when doing it. it may sound mean or heartless but it's just something you have to keep in mind. regardless of what may happen after the breakup (him being worse off, etc), go with your gut. like everyone else said i heard once that relationships just illuminate the problems you already have. which i believe to be true. it may sound pessimistic of a relationship but if you have a temper problem, etc already, that's going to show up in a relationship. it's -not- your fault. __________________ And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anais Nin

07-20-2003, 04:54 PM	#3 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	I hate to say this but it sounds like you are not his number one priority. I went through this kind of thing for six years. It took me being with a real man to see just how bad I had been treated in the past and how much shit I put up with. What it boils down to is no matter how much history you have with this guy and no matter how long you have been together he needs to respect you. It doesn't sound like a whole lot of that is going on. If you truely love someone and care for them you don't treat them like a piece of crap. Give him something to think about. Let HIM go. Give him space. See what he does when thinks you won't be around anymore. That is the true test of his feelings.

07-20-2003, 08:07 PM	#7 (permalink)
TanteMegs Upright Location: Oklahoma	I don't want to sound too harsh or anything, but you really have to ask yourself whether or not you like being abused. Because no matter what anyone else says, that is exactly what he is doing. My sister went through this type of relationship with her first love/ fiancee, it wasn't until Christmas that she realized that he didn't love her. He gave her her engagment ring, after being engaged for about 6 months, with a little note attached to it, basically saying that he loved her but he hated her family and that she needed to choose between him and us. Well, she chose wisely, and got drunk :-). So, I agree with all of the other ladies, but I got a different feel of it probably than they did. You need to take a few months or weeks off from him and decide if you REALLY need him or if you THINK that you need him. Just my two cents worth. Megs

07-20-2003, 09:15 PM	#9 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	remember: if you'er not happy, it's not worth it. and i mean happy MORE than 50% of the time. ie: more than just when he's good.

07-20-2003, 11:16 PM	#10 (permalink)
Mel Tilted Location: Auckland	Don't break up with him, it doesn't sound like that is what you want to do...he's such a big part of your life, and you two were really happy, you just had a fight. He's probably just going through a faze like you said and it's a bit hard for him at the moment. But he shouldn't have yelled at you like that, you didn't deserve that. Give him and yourself a bit of time, then talk about it... __________________ And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping. The moon tells me a secret. My confidant. As full and bright as I am, this light is not my own and A million light reflections pass over me It's source is bright and endless. She resuscitates the hopeless Without her we are lifeless satellites drifting

07-20-2003, 11:37 PM	#11 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	The most important information you provided was the fact that he's bi-polar. You can't really take in the whole scenario and interpret it just like any other one. Dating someone who's bi-polar is more than a handful. (Bipolar I ). It sounds like when his phone was off the hook, he was probably in his manic state. Do you know if he takes meds for it? If you can somehow pull it off without agitating him further, try to find out if he's still taking them or if he stopped. If he stopped taking them, that's probably what triggered the mania. Pot could also trigger it.. it depends on the person, though, I think. Alcohol is worse, iirc. It sounds like, minus the mania, he is really a nice guy. You have to ask yourself if you can deal with his mood episodes. One of my friends dated a guy who was bi-polar for about 1.5 years. Personally, I think this guy was using his mood disorder as a means to manipulate her. Well, he was manipulating her, but the question was if it was intentional or not. He wasn't a good guy if you looked past the disorder. Your guy doesn't sound like he's truly bad once you strip away the chemical imbalance. Again, it's a handful but if you're willing to deal with it then it's up to you to decide if you want to stay or not. __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

07-21-2003, 12:52 AM	#13 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	he should see a psychiatrist and see if there is any meds. that can help even out the chemicals. "self-medicating" with pot is just plain stupid, imo. there is an extremely high suicide rate for men who get depressive mood episodes. so there should be some reason for concern if he cares for himself at all. also, it's extremely common for bipolar people to think they don't need medication even if they have prescriptions. so there will probably be resistance if you try to get him the help that he likely needs. __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

07-21-2003, 10:54 PM	#14 (permalink)
angela146 Loser Location: Somewhere near Hubby	From another angle It sounds like you don't want to give up on him just yet. Let me make a suggestion. If you want to stay with him, you have to deal with the yelling. Most men yell from time to time. Your man is yelling more than that. Maybe you can defuse it. A lot of women react to anger/yelling by talking softly to try to cool him down. That's usually a mistake. Does this sound like you: He's yelling, you respond by talking calmly and quieter than normal (the natural thing to do). This just makes him angrier and makes him think you aren't "getting it". His response is to yell louder, you then quiet down even more and it all spins out of control. Instead, try this: He yells. You reply in a voice louder than normal but one notch softer than his. Hopefully, he will yell back with a little less volume and intensity. You then step it down a little more. Important: Do not "push back". You aren't trying to shout him down. You're trying to "de-escalate". Most of all, don't yell louder than he does. By yelling back at a slightly reduced level, you're telling him that you hear his anger and you're not ignoring him. You aren't threatening him by yelling louder. You're with him "in the moment". Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. If it doesn't, at least you tried and you can walk away from the relationship knowing that you gave it a chance.

07-22-2003, 02:15 PM	#15 (permalink)
bykyyeager Upright Location: NoDak	I Have to agree with angela146