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angela146 · 07-21-2003, 10:54 PM

It sounds like you don't want to give up on him just yet.

Let me make a suggestion.

*If* you want to stay with him, you have to deal with the yelling.

Most men yell from time to time. Your man is yelling more than that. Maybe you can defuse it.

A lot of women react to anger/yelling by talking softly to try to cool him down. That's usually a mistake.

Does this sound like you: He's yelling, you respond by talking calmly and quieter than normal (the natural thing to do). This just makes him angrier and makes him think you aren't "getting it". His response is to yell louder, you then quiet down even more and it all spins out of control.

Instead, try this: He yells. You reply in a voice louder than normal but one notch softer than his. Hopefully, he will yell back with a little less volume and intensity. You then step it down a little more.

Important: Do not "push back". You aren't trying to shout him down. You're trying to "de-escalate". Most of all, don't yell louder than he does.

By yelling back at a slightly reduced level, you're telling him that you hear his anger and you're not ignoring him. You *aren't* threatening him by yelling louder. You're with him "in the moment".

Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. If it doesn't, at least you tried and you can walk away from the relationship knowing that you gave it a chance.

07-21-2003, 10:54 PM	#14 (permalink)
angela146 Loser Location: Somewhere near Hubby	From another angle It sounds like you don't want to give up on him just yet. Let me make a suggestion. If you want to stay with him, you have to deal with the yelling. Most men yell from time to time. Your man is yelling more than that. Maybe you can defuse it. A lot of women react to anger/yelling by talking softly to try to cool him down. That's usually a mistake. Does this sound like you: He's yelling, you respond by talking calmly and quieter than normal (the natural thing to do). This just makes him angrier and makes him think you aren't "getting it". His response is to yell louder, you then quiet down even more and it all spins out of control. Instead, try this: He yells. You reply in a voice louder than normal but one notch softer than his. Hopefully, he will yell back with a little less volume and intensity. You then step it down a little more. Important: Do not "push back". You aren't trying to shout him down. You're trying to "de-escalate". Most of all, don't yell louder than he does. By yelling back at a slightly reduced level, you're telling him that you hear his anger and you're not ignoring him. You aren't threatening him by yelling louder. You're with him "in the moment". Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. If it doesn't, at least you tried and you can walk away from the relationship knowing that you gave it a chance.