ZombieSquirrel

I don't have children, but have friends that do of course. My friends have different parenting styles, but mostly I like my friends' offspring.

I have one friend who has two boys with different things that I have noticed, but don't know if I have room to talk as I don't have children.

Her oldest son has always seemed "off" to me. Like he may have a developmental problem. They way he walks and runs is a bit off and I noticed for a long time, but didn't know how to ask her, a mother, about it. Finally when he went to school, his teachers noticed and recommend that he be checked out. I still don't know if a diagnosis has been made yet, but he does go to a physical therapist who works on his motor skills. I wonder if I would have said something sooner that she would have taken it under advisement and had him checked out earlier. I am glad that he is being monitored.

Her youngest son doesn't have any problems that I notice physically. He's just a brat. He says the rudest things, and he's only 4. I have known this lady forever and our mothers were very close. I know if we would have said the things he says our mothers would have put a stop to it right away. She keeps saying that it must be a phase, but I'd hate for it to go on without any discipline. He's rude to me and to strangers. I know boys can be colorful, but compared to my other friends' little boys, he is off the charts.

I just don't know if it's my place to say something to her. Knowing her, she would get very offended and would hold a grudge. I have known her for almost 30 years and would hate for anything to happen to our friendship. It's just gotten to the point where I don't want to have to deal with her rude little boy.

Have any of you run into this problem?

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PonyPotato

I wouldn't know how to handle the situation with the oldest child.. that would depend on your closeness with her.

As for the youngest son.. you can flat out tell her that you would prefer not to spend time with her when he is around, because you do not appreciate the rude things he says to you without any discipline. Even though it may really be a "phase," he still needs to understand right from wrong.

My boyfriend has two kids (7 and just-turned-5), and even though I don't have my own, he asks my opinion and respects it when it comes to how he raises them. My concerns about his kids not sleeping in their own beds, etc. get heard and often he shares the concern, but wants my feedback regarding how to deal with it. The kids have had a hard year (divorce, moving, their mother is totally inconsistent and flaky with them), and some days are worse than others.. but they have also responded quite well to me giving them light discipline ("E, that wasn't very nice. You need to apologize." or "L, you should use "please" and "thank you" when asking people for things. People don't respond well to demands."), and his daughter especially (the 7 year old) has become a lovely young lady to spend time with. She makes a point to use "please," "may I," and "thank you" a lot more around me, and I tell her that I appreciate it, as do most people around her who witness it.

Some parents won't respond well to what they see as criticism, but others understand that they can't possibly be perfect parents and would love feedback and/or suggestions. If you don't know how your friend would respond after 30 years of being pretty close, I'd say you might not be as close as you think you are. I know that my best friend, if she were to have kids, would take my feedback regarding her parenting as a concerned friend trying to help another, not criticism.

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snowy

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Also, try the sandwich, which is a tactic we use when talking to parents about their children at work: 1 good thing about the child's behavior, 1 bad thing you've noticed, and then another good thing about their behavior.

Pony, I especially like your responses to your SO's children. Explaining why their behavior won't get them the results they want is exactly what more people should do--not just their parents. Children need feedback from a variety of sources to see what to do--adults all around them teach them how to behave in their given culture.

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amonkie

Kids are a hell of a lot smarter and aware than most people give them credit for.

You can create a relationship of respect without neccessarily infringing on the parent, but having that behavior stay around permanently and consistency will not happen unless it is enforced ALL the time.

I've used my hearing as example when I get whiny kids throwing a fit - I tell them my hearing aid doesn't work and I can't understand them when they cry and yell and scream. If they need my help, they can get my attention by coming to me, and talking to me. Then we can figure out what to do together.

That is an example of how I don't neccessarily say what the parent is doing is wrong, but that I can encourage them to behave a certain way, with the hope they make the connection they're more likely to have more positive experiences if they do it with everyone.

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ring

True Elders don't need words; they control with a glance.

"The "evil eye" is also known as "Mal de ojo." Mediterranean cultures and many others around the world believe in the concept of the "evil eye." Symptoms may include diarrhea, constant crying, and, in some cases, even death. It usually affects infants and children."

*wiki

Magnolia

I feel for ya . My best friends' kids were really rude to me for a long time , one day they just stopped , they got abit older and now they are never rude to me anymore .
I did mention it to her when it was going on, her response, and I quote, was, "So ?".
After that I never brought it up again, one day her son was really running his mouth off to me when she was in a store and I was in the vehicle with her kids and she asked me what was wrong when she came back and I said nothing . She did jokingly say things to her kids when she caught what was being said one time but she wasnt serious about it, in a manner like, that was a wrong thing to say, and for no reason. I know whenever I had brought up things about kids to my friends who are moms, (Im not a mom) they seemed to assume I dont know F--- all because Im not a mom, like for example I read that not all immunizations are needed for babies and kids , some could even have harmfull side effects, (cash grab for pharmaceutical companies) anyway she seemed pissed off and annoyed and basically said that thats bull shit . sigh . oh well . was only trying to help . I dont know what to suggest , maybe if you told her her kids rude comments really bother you, maybe she will talk to them about it and they will stop ,
Ive known kids who only said rude things when no one was around to catch them ,
well best wishes to you . I know what a crappy situation that is .

MarionAP

I am past the kid phase and am on to the cute grandchild phase. It seems to me that grandparents are endlessly indulgent and I have even known my friends & family to deliberately over-indulge the grandchild almost to 'get even' with their own kids. Frankly I am stunned by this and cannot think it is a good idea, but I also feel rather unable to speak simply because of never having had children (and hence no grandkids) myself. It really makes you hesitant.

Heatherdawn

As for the oldest, I'm sure she is well aware (probably even more than you) that something was "off" with her oldest. Sometimes, we as parents do not like to admit that our children are not perfect and do not like to talk about it with others. I don't know, but I'm sure she has had him in for his yearly visit to his pediatrician and have discussed his development with the doctor. I'm glad that she is working with him on his motor skills. It sounds like they are moving in the right direction.

As for the youngest, they can be very verbal (as you well know)!! Please keep in mind as you address this that he is her baby and will always be her baby. If you tell her that you will only come over if he is not there, that would not have a good outcome. You said that you were very close to the family, but it doesn't sound as if you are very close to her children. Kids are very smart and he might view you as someone that takes 'his' time away from 'his' mommy. Become part of the family, an auntie or whatever. If you are so close as you say you are, then you should have no problem letting him know that you will not let him talk to you like that. Show him loving discipline.

HTH!
Heather

Lady Bear Cub

I find that when dealing with sensitive topics, it's always best to make it seem like their idea to talk about it. Ask questions that lead to them either opening up to you about it or coming to the conclusion on their own. Then follow up by supporting them or agreeing with them.

This isn't easy, even if you have children. I would have asked a seemingly innocent question. "Has he hurt his leg? Did you notice he was limping." That way you are suggesting a minor injury which isn't at all awkward or out of place to bring up. All in all, it was her own responsibility to provide the attention he needed, so you shouldn't feel guilty. She may have known and just never brought it up to you.

As for the rude child, I never allow a child to be rude to me. I have a daughter, and I expect her to be corrected verbally by an adult if she is ever rude. Don't go bat shit crazy on him, just point out that what he said was wrong. If the mother has a problem with that, then she needs wake up and take a good look around.

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"I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,
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noodle

It's funny, I work with kids, was a therapist for years working with kids who are acting out, have horrid manners, etc. I actually set my own boundaries with them directly in front of their parents and have actually said in front of a mother, "I'm not sure how you guys do things at your house, but here we don't ___________ [insert action, word usage, etc.] and if you choose to do _________ then you are going to have to wait in the car until your mom and I are done here." The mother got really pissed, but I explained that every home and person has their own rules and I choose how I allow people to treat me and my belongings.
There are other ways to handle it, but I typically address the child's behavior and explain what I expect directly with them in a positively-reinforcing manner. Then I talk to the parent separately and explain to them what I'm doing: helping a child learn what is socially acceptable when I'm around. I won't be hit, my couches won't be jumped on, my cats' tails won't be pulled, and I won't be called names. But I'd be happy to sit on the floor and play, or sing silly songs if they would like to act appropriately.

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