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As for the oldest, I'm sure she is well aware (probably even more than you) that something was "off" with her oldest. Sometimes, we as parents do not like to admit that our children are not perfect and do not like to talk about it with others. I don't know, but I'm sure she has had him in for his yearly visit to his pediatrician and have discussed his development with the doctor. I'm glad that she is working with him on his motor skills. It sounds like they are moving in the right direction.
As for the youngest, they can be very verbal (as you well know)!! Please keep in mind as you address this that he is her baby and will always be her baby. If you tell her that you will only come over if he is not there, that would not have a good outcome. You said that you were very close to the family, but it doesn't sound as if you are very close to her children. Kids are very smart and he might view you as someone that takes 'his' time away from 'his' mommy. Become part of the family, an auntie or whatever. If you are so close as you say you are, then you should have no problem letting him know that you will not let him talk to you like that. Show him loving discipline.
HTH!
Heather
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