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I wouldn't know how to handle the situation with the oldest child.. that would depend on your closeness with her.
As for the youngest son.. you can flat out tell her that you would prefer not to spend time with her when he is around, because you do not appreciate the rude things he says to you without any discipline. Even though it may really be a "phase," he still needs to understand right from wrong.
My boyfriend has two kids (7 and just-turned-5), and even though I don't have my own, he asks my opinion and respects it when it comes to how he raises them. My concerns about his kids not sleeping in their own beds, etc. get heard and often he shares the concern, but wants my feedback regarding how to deal with it. The kids have had a hard year (divorce, moving, their mother is totally inconsistent and flaky with them), and some days are worse than others.. but they have also responded quite well to me giving them light discipline ("E, that wasn't very nice. You need to apologize." or "L, you should use "please" and "thank you" when asking people for things. People don't respond well to demands."), and his daughter especially (the 7 year old) has become a lovely young lady to spend time with. She makes a point to use "please," "may I," and "thank you" a lot more around me, and I tell her that I appreciate it, as do most people around her who witness it.
Some parents won't respond well to what they see as criticism, but others understand that they can't possibly be perfect parents and would love feedback and/or suggestions. If you don't know how your friend would respond after 30 years of being pretty close, I'd say you might not be as close as you think you are. I know that my best friend, if she were to have kids, would take my feedback regarding her parenting as a concerned friend trying to help another, not criticism.
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"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel
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