Keeping your relationship alive and going... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

neveragain · 03-20-2010, 02:36 PM

So I'm here asking you ladies what do you do to keep your relationship alive? My S/O and I have been together almost 2 yrs and while the sex was(and still is) amazing, it's become almost routine. Before (when first back together, long story short dated 3 yrs in HS separated for 11 now back together)it was whenever, where ever, now it's confined to the bedroom. No matter how much I initiate foreplay it's always pushed till we go to bed, then goes from there. We're young and very much in our prime, and we do have sex every night just it's routine in how it starts and finishes. So I was wondering what you do to spice it back up, I can only imagine if it's like this after 2 yrs what will 5 be like? I want to keep our relationship thriving for many, many, years so some input would be amazing. Thanks Ladies

genuinegirly · 03-20-2010, 08:36 PM

Pushing sex to the end of the day doesn't work for us. At the end of a long, hard day of work, we're usually too exhausted to want to do anything other than sleep. We find afternoon to early evening is the time that fits best with our natural clocks.

Traveling for business is actually a good thing for our relationship. We hate being apart - can't really sleep well alone, etc, but when we're back together after a few days of being apart, it's a dream. Absence makes our hearts grow fonder.

little_tippler · 03-21-2010, 02:01 AM

Well, if you're already initiating outside of bedtime, and getting pushed away, sounds like you need to talk to your partner. Do you think this is just a phase, or are you sure it's going to keep happening despite your subtle hints?

It sucks to have to tell your partner that they are doing something that disappoints you, so make sure this is important enough to warrant a talk. It will likely hurt your partners feelings some, and probably make him/her feel inadequate for a while, but sometimes people fall into habits like this and they need a wake up call to realize that they are doing it and snap out of it.

If your partner cares about you and your relationship as much as you, they will definitely make an effort to change things up and ultimately talking this through should be all for the best.

Altavoz · 03-23-2010, 05:48 AM

Maybe your partner just feels most comfortable in the bedroom?

The bedroom doesn't have to be boring. My S/O and I have been together for 3.5 years and we went through the exact same thing at 2 years, to the point where it almost broke us up. We never had sex, and when we did, I wasn't into it because it was the same thing over and over, and he picked up that I wasn't satisfied. So, we did some poking around the internet and found some ideas. Some of the stuff you'll find is going to sound cheesy and crazy, but it really works!

Have you tried getting toys? A new position? Maybe when you feel him getting ready to start or finish in the same old way, throw a wrench in it and don't let him do that.

My S/O and I have a sex life that would be considered routine, but we both like it that way. We both finish in pretty much the same way every time because it's the best! Maybe your routine finishes are just the way that feels best for him?

Lindy · 03-23-2010, 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by neveragain

....the sex was(and still is) amazing,...now it's confined to the bedroom.... we go to bed...then goes from there.....and we do have sex every night....

Things could be so much worse. I think that a lot of couples would just love to have these "problems."

Maybe your guy just likes it in the bedroom. If you want it somewhere else, you'll probably have to actually tell him that in so many words. With your hand in his pants.
Most men/boys really love it in the morning. Try that.
Maybe this is really a manifestation of something else.
Enjoy the "foreplay." Enjoy it for its own sake.

Lindy

SwingGirl · 03-24-2010, 01:25 PM

I have to agree with some of the other posters in saying that this is not really such a terrible problem to have. I understand your frustration and also think you should share these feelings with your SO and maybe they will agree and be open to some variety.

My SO and I have been together for 16 years and have always had a great sex life but I would bet that every couple (me included) goes through some "slow" or routine times depending on schedules or changes going on in your lives.

One thing my husband and I do is find days to have a lunchtime "quickie". When I am working, he picks me up and we go find somewhere to be intimate. If I am off for the day he comes home on his lunch break and we do it in the living room, or diningroom, or anywhere BUT the bedroom. It makes us feel like kids again and like we did in the beginning of our relationship when we couldnt wait to tear each other apart. Sometimes it is really beneficial to talk about or remember the very early times in your relationship when you were full of lust for each other....never forget that and try to always find ways to stir it up! Hope that helps.

neveragain · 03-25-2010, 06:59 AM

Thanks alot ladies.. he went on a guys wknd for 4 days and just got back and its been that "new relationship" stage again. I have talked to him and he did say that is where he felt the most "comfortable". I agree at times I really enjoyed being in the bedroom with him , but wanted to spice things up and keep our relationship alive. He agree and its been wonderful. Again thanks I just love posting here and getting advice. Nice to have ppl that have experienced the same things tell you it can be okay

snowy · 03-31-2010, 09:54 AM

All relationships ebb and flow, especially long-term ones. Stress plays a HUGE role in how much sex there is in a relationship. My SO and I burn up the sheets when stress levels are low; when they are high, sometimes it feels like we're just dialing it in and getting it done before we go to bed, if it happens at all. We do a good job of talking about our relationship (metacommunication) and discussing our own needs/wants/desires. One of the critical things we've discovered over time is the importance of taking time together to destress, unwind, and check in with one another. My SO is a senior in Chemical Engineering, and his schedule right now is INSANE, but he always makes sure that I get time with him on the weekends. Generally, that down time together leads to some afternoon delight

But it wouldn't happen if we were both still stressed out about school/work/whatever, which is what I think is happening with your SO--he needed to destress, he has, and now you're going at it like knives again. Just bear that in mind for the future, and you'll be set!

hunnychile · 03-31-2010, 02:35 PM

This entire thread is one of the most honest, and helpful I've seen in a long while. We're glad you're here neveragain (yeah!!)...and there are ideas & insights given here that cover then entire gamet of loving your man and staying healthy and happy in your relationship. Relationships DO ebb and flow but it's smart not to make snap judgements and sometimes not to get into the big discussion all too often. You sound lucky and smart.

he's a lucky dude, too

03-20-2010, 02:36 PM	#1 (permalink)
neveragain Upright	Keeping your relationship alive and going... So I'm here asking you ladies what do you do to keep your relationship alive? My S/O and I have been together almost 2 yrs and while the sex was(and still is) amazing, it's become almost routine. Before (when first back together, long story short dated 3 yrs in HS separated for 11 now back together)it was whenever, where ever, now it's confined to the bedroom. No matter how much I initiate foreplay it's always pushed till we go to bed, then goes from there. We're young and very much in our prime, and we do have sex every night just it's routine in how it starts and finishes. So I was wondering what you do to spice it back up, I can only imagine if it's like this after 2 yrs what will 5 be like? I want to keep our relationship thriving for many, many, years so some input would be amazing. Thanks Ladies __________________ Believe in second chances, you never know what may come of them.

03-20-2010, 08:36 PM	#2 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	Pushing sex to the end of the day doesn't work for us. At the end of a long, hard day of work, we're usually too exhausted to want to do anything other than sleep. We find afternoon to early evening is the time that fits best with our natural clocks. Traveling for business is actually a good thing for our relationship. We hate being apart - can't really sleep well alone, etc, but when we're back together after a few days of being apart, it's a dream. Absence makes our hearts grow fonder. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

03-21-2010, 02:01 AM	#3 (permalink)
little_tippler Leaning against the -Sun- Super Moderator Location: on the other side	Well, if you're already initiating outside of bedtime, and getting pushed away, sounds like you need to talk to your partner. Do you think this is just a phase, or are you sure it's going to keep happening despite your subtle hints? It sucks to have to tell your partner that they are doing something that disappoints you, so make sure this is important enough to warrant a talk. It will likely hurt your partners feelings some, and probably make him/her feel inadequate for a while, but sometimes people fall into habits like this and they need a wake up call to realize that they are doing it and snap out of it. If your partner cares about you and your relationship as much as you, they will definitely make an effort to change things up and ultimately talking this through should be all for the best. __________________ Whether we write or speak or do but look We are ever unapparent. What we are Cannot be transfused into word or book. Our soul from us is infinitely far. However much we give our thoughts the will To be our soul and gesture it abroad, Our hearts are incommunicable still. In what we show ourselves we are ignored. The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged By any skill of thought or trick of seeming. Unto our very selves we are abridged When we would utter to our thought our being. We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams, And each to each other dreams of others' dreams. Fernando Pessoa, 1918

03-25-2010, 06:59 AM	#7 (permalink)
neveragain Upright	Thanks alot ladies.. he went on a guys wknd for 4 days and just got back and its been that "new relationship" stage again. I have talked to him and he did say that is where he felt the most "comfortable". I agree at times I really enjoyed being in the bedroom with him , but wanted to spice things up and keep our relationship alive. He agree and its been wonderful. Again thanks I just love posting here and getting advice. Nice to have ppl that have experienced the same things tell you it can be okay __________________ Believe in second chances, you never know what may come of them.

03-31-2010, 09:54 AM	#8 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	All relationships ebb and flow, especially long-term ones. Stress plays a HUGE role in how much sex there is in a relationship. My SO and I burn up the sheets when stress levels are low; when they are high, sometimes it feels like we're just dialing it in and getting it done before we go to bed, if it happens at all. We do a good job of talking about our relationship (metacommunication) and discussing our own needs/wants/desires. One of the critical things we've discovered over time is the importance of taking time together to destress, unwind, and check in with one another. My SO is a senior in Chemical Engineering, and his schedule right now is INSANE, but he always makes sure that I get time with him on the weekends. Generally, that down time together leads to some afternoon delight But it wouldn't happen if we were both still stressed out about school/work/whatever, which is what I think is happening with your SO--he needed to destress, he has, and now you're going at it like knives again. Just bear that in mind for the future, and you'll be set! __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

03-23-2010, 05:48 AM	#4 (permalink)
Altavoz Upright	Maybe your partner just feels most comfortable in the bedroom? The bedroom doesn't have to be boring. My S/O and I have been together for 3.5 years and we went through the exact same thing at 2 years, to the point where it almost broke us up. We never had sex, and when we did, I wasn't into it because it was the same thing over and over, and he picked up that I wasn't satisfied. So, we did some poking around the internet and found some ideas. Some of the stuff you'll find is going to sound cheesy and crazy, but it really works! Have you tried getting toys? A new position? Maybe when you feel him getting ready to start or finish in the same old way, throw a wrench in it and don't let him do that. My S/O and I have a sex life that would be considered routine, but we both like it that way. We both finish in pretty much the same way every time because it's the best! Maybe your routine finishes are just the way that feels best for him?

03-24-2010, 01:25 PM	#6 (permalink)
SwingGirl Upright Location: Washington DC	I have to agree with some of the other posters in saying that this is not really such a terrible problem to have. I understand your frustration and also think you should share these feelings with your SO and maybe they will agree and be open to some variety. My SO and I have been together for 16 years and have always had a great sex life but I would bet that every couple (me included) goes through some "slow" or routine times depending on schedules or changes going on in your lives. One thing my husband and I do is find days to have a lunchtime "quickie". When I am working, he picks me up and we go find somewhere to be intimate. If I am off for the day he comes home on his lunch break and we do it in the living room, or diningroom, or anywhere BUT the bedroom. It makes us feel like kids again and like we did in the beginning of our relationship when we couldnt wait to tear each other apart. Sometimes it is really beneficial to talk about or remember the very early times in your relationship when you were full of lust for each other....never forget that and try to always find ways to stir it up! Hope that helps.

03-31-2010, 02:35 PM	#9 (permalink)
hunnychile Alien Anthropologist Location: Between Boredom and Nirvana	This entire thread is one of the most honest, and helpful I've seen in a long while. We're glad you're here neveragain (yeah!!)...and there are ideas & insights given here that cover then entire gamet of loving your man and staying healthy and happy in your relationship. Relationships DO ebb and flow but it's smart not to make snap judgements and sometimes not to get into the big discussion all too often. You sound lucky and smart. he's a lucky dude, too __________________ "I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB