Sex in a Small Town- How to or not? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

taurus · 10-26-2009, 07:25 AM

Hi, I'm 26. I was married for five years with the only guy I ever had sex with. I'm new here and have this question on my mind. I'm seperated since July and living 3,000 miles apart from my partner. I'm in a small community of 10,000 people. When you talk with someone, you hear two days later that you're dating them. When you're not! So my dilema is this. I don't want my business the talk of the town and have been discretely seeing this black guy. All's fine and we're good friends too. The sex is the best I've ever had. He's just a really nice guy and we've been friends with benefits for the past 7 or so weeks. He was away for a week and I met another guy and ended up having sex and sleeping over at his a couple of times. He has the most beautiful house/villa! Do I carry on casually seeing them both (without letting them know)? It's such a small place and I was wondering if other women on this forum had juggled men behind closed doors?

I feel I should pick one of them, but then if I were morally strong, I'd tell them both off (I'm still legally married).

wooÐs · 10-26-2009, 10:14 AM

Not sure the whole 'small town' thing is the issue here. I'm thinking you need to leave the men alone for a while and focus more on yourself. For lack of a better term, it sounds like you're sowing your oats since you and your husband split. And you even ended your post by saying you're not morally strong. I'm thinking a time out is necessary for diver_grace. Before things get way out of control. Just my opinion.

---------- Post added at 02:14 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:55 PM ----------

From a male member...

Quote:

umm..why would you tell THEM off? you're the one who's obviously in a relationship and doing something wrong! they're single, and you're not.

i prescribe a self-administered dose of "sit the fuck down", and knock back a "reality check" before you decide which cock you should be sucking

then again, i could get nasty and tell you something you dont want to hear, but i'm being nice.

Salem · 10-26-2009, 10:16 AM

I have to agree with Woods. Take some time to figure out what you want. Time to regain your moral strength.

ZombieSquirrel · 10-26-2009, 10:30 AM

I agree with woods.

I think as long as you're open and honest with these men, I believe you will avoid any drama that you are afraid you will encounter in your small community. Following woods' advice will help that too. Focusing on yourself during this time of reflection could be very beneficial.

I live in a much smaller town than you have described (about 4000). When I first moved to the village, all the women I met gave me the SAME advice: Don't Date Anyone Here. I have stuck to that advice because I have noticed how small the dating pool is. It's like high school. Everyone dates everyone and there are so many issues. Women out number men, so that's a problem too. So and so dated this one guy and so did this other girl. They used to hate each other but now he's dating a different girl, so they started a club that hates the new gf. Then they start fighting again because they both like a different guy. Yeah, it's high school.

taurus · 10-26-2009, 12:06 PM

I say "morally strong" and the irony is I feel very casual about the entire thing. I came from a religious background and I know what I "should" and "shouldn't" be doing. However, I feel no guilt. I am actually very aware of what I need to be doing and don't see sex as anything more than a pleasant distraction. Being seen as an object of attraction by men after having a sexless relationship for two years is quite fulfilling.

Small towns and small gene pools and gossip. I don't want no drama! OK, any suggestions on how to stay friends with these two guys and stop the sex?

Ce'Nedra · 10-26-2009, 01:27 PM

Be honest with both of them. Since you were friends with benefits with the first man for awhile, I'm assuming there was no other promises or agreements of monogamy between the two of you, right? Does the second guy have any ideas that he was the only one in your life or that you two were not just a casual sex couple, but an actual couple?

Be honest with both of them and with any future flings. You just got out of this marriage, you're not looking for any long-term relationship, you're just interested in having fun... Of course I'm assuming that this is your goal!

And I completely agree with going outside of your small town to find love/sex/whatever it is you're looking for. It's not worth the gossip and drama that might come from staying too close to home.

About the moral question - I think it's ok to feel casual about what you're doing now. I don't think that or the lack of guilt makes you an immoral or bad person. I think maybe you should think long and hard on what you believe in and what you think is "moral" or "acceptable" behavior. Not just from your family's point of view or your childhood, but how you feel now.

taurus · 10-26-2009, 06:19 PM

Thank-you, all. I believe honesty is the best policy. As both guys know I'm still married and as I've been frank that I don't want a relationship right now, I think the best idea is to stay honest and enjoy the time and friendship we have. Sex is nice but there are much more important things in life. Ce'Nedra, Unless I want to go via the internet, I'm stuck with the town as it is pretty well isolated.

Shaindra · 11-18-2009, 09:01 AM

I've juggled men, albeit not in a small town. It can work...if they know they're being juggled and they're OK with it. Some men really are content with occasional sex and no hassles...go figure.

That said, be careful that you're not using the men as a distraction from life. You need to get your affairs in order (and I don't mean the men). Get divorced. Get settled. Don't let the sex distract you. The sex will be there, trust me.

10-26-2009, 07:25 AM	#1 (permalink)
taurus Upright	Sex in a Small Town- How to or not? Hi, I'm 26. I was married for five years with the only guy I ever had sex with. I'm new here and have this question on my mind. I'm seperated since July and living 3,000 miles apart from my partner. I'm in a small community of 10,000 people. When you talk with someone, you hear two days later that you're dating them. When you're not! So my dilema is this. I don't want my business the talk of the town and have been discretely seeing this black guy. All's fine and we're good friends too. The sex is the best I've ever had. He's just a really nice guy and we've been friends with benefits for the past 7 or so weeks. He was away for a week and I met another guy and ended up having sex and sleeping over at his a couple of times. He has the most beautiful house/villa! Do I carry on casually seeing them both (without letting them know)? It's such a small place and I was wondering if other women on this forum had juggled men behind closed doors? I feel I should pick one of them, but then if I were morally strong, I'd tell them both off (I'm still legally married).

11-18-2009, 09:01 AM	#8 (permalink)
Shaindra Psycho Location: Massachusetts	I've juggled men, albeit not in a small town. It can work...if they know they're being juggled and they're OK with it. Some men really are content with occasional sex and no hassles...go figure. That said, be careful that you're not using the men as a distraction from life. You need to get your affairs in order (and I don't mean the men). Get divorced. Get settled. Don't let the sex distract you. The sex will be there, trust me. __________________ "Never regret something that once made you smile."

10-26-2009, 10:16 AM	#3 (permalink)
Salem Psycho Location: Canada	I have to agree with Woods. Take some time to figure out what you want. Time to regain your moral strength.

10-26-2009, 12:06 PM	#5 (permalink)
taurus Upright	I say "morally strong" and the irony is I feel very casual about the entire thing. I came from a religious background and I know what I "should" and "shouldn't" be doing. However, I feel no guilt. I am actually very aware of what I need to be doing and don't see sex as anything more than a pleasant distraction. Being seen as an object of attraction by men after having a sexless relationship for two years is quite fulfilling. Small towns and small gene pools and gossip. I don't want no drama! OK, any suggestions on how to stay friends with these two guys and stop the sex?

10-26-2009, 01:27 PM	#6 (permalink)
Ce'Nedra Upright Location: Deep South	Be honest with both of them. Since you were friends with benefits with the first man for awhile, I'm assuming there was no other promises or agreements of monogamy between the two of you, right? Does the second guy have any ideas that he was the only one in your life or that you two were not just a casual sex couple, but an actual *couple? Be honest with both of them and with any future flings. You just got out of this marriage, you're not looking for any long-term relationship, you're just interested in having fun... Of course I'm assuming that this is your goal! And I completely agree with going outside of your small town to find love/sex/whatever it is you're looking for. It's not worth the gossip and drama that might come from staying too close to home. About the moral question - I think it's ok to feel casual about what you're doing now. I don't think that or the lack of guilt makes you an immoral or bad person. I think maybe you should think long and hard on what you believe in and what you* think is "moral" or "acceptable" behavior. Not just from your family's point of view or your childhood, but how you feel now.

10-26-2009, 06:19 PM	#7 (permalink)
taurus Upright	Thank-you, all. I believe honesty is the best policy. As both guys know I'm still married and as I've been frank that I don't want a relationship right now, I think the best idea is to stay honest and enjoy the time and friendship we have. Sex is nice but there are much more important things in life. Ce'Nedra, Unless I want to go via the internet, I'm stuck with the town as it is pretty well isolated.