Meditrina

I have been mentioning in various posts, how I want to raise my children with the lines of communication open, or at least more open then they were with my parents. It made me wonder how open your mothers were with you regarding your menstrual cycle. What did they tell you? Did they tell you enough for your age? Did you have to go other sources for better information? And, if you have daughters, what did you say to them? Do you think you prepared them enough for the joys of womanhood?

My mother told me a story about when she got her first period. She thought she was dying. She was 10. Her mother had told her nothing. Now granted, this was very early to get it and her mother was probably not expecting her to get it so young. Maybe my grandmother was not given enough time to prepare my mom.

I was not as young (I think I was 7th or 8th grade) when I got it, and I knew a little bit about it. I did not think I was dying, but I was not prepared to deal with the emotions and cramps that came along with it.

Now I have a daughter of my own. She is 11, almost 12. She has been getting it for a year now. Luckily, I was warned by the doctor that it was coming, and coming early. At age 9, the doctor told me that within the next 2 years it would start. She even told me what happens first, like breast buds, then hair, etc. She gave me signs to look for that her menstrual cycle was near. Starting at that point, I decided to prepare my daughter as best as I could, so she would not think she was dying when it began. I tried to get her to read a book put out by American Girl Doll, but she was not interested. I had to do this on my own. I talked to her about changes that her body was going to experience, which changes may come first, and how some of those changes will be emotional and not physical. I showed her where she may feel pain. I made sure she knew that I am always here for her, for anything. and I hugged her, a lot. These talks were not done all at once, I didn't want to overwhelm her and I wanted to make sure she didn't drift off when we talked. I think I succeeded. She didn't freak out when she got it, she didn't think she was dying. In fact, I think she handled it better than I could have ever imagined her handling it. She is not on a regular schedule yet, but I am helping her keeping track of it, reminding her to make sure she has supplies in her backpack, and still giving her lots of hugs.

Thank you for letting me share my experiences with you. I hope that no girl ever experiences it the way my mother did.

__________________
"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

jewels

My mom never told me anything. I noticed blood on my undies when I undressed to shower, ran, freaking out, to her and she briefly explained that I was a woman and hugged me. Then she gave me a sanitary belt (YES a belt that held the pad in place!) and that was that. I had no clue this was going to happen to me and was totally blown away when it did.

My oldest was 13, like me, but my younger two were both 10 when they began menstruating. I prepared them by telling them what was going to happen, why it happened and explaining how they'd be dealing with it. I kept the information age-appropriate because at that age they tend to get bored if you go on and on. I made sure to tell them that as they felt they wanted to know more that I was the one to ask, making sure they knew that what they learned "on the streets" was often inaccurate. It's worked well for me and them.

And if you don't mind a little preachiness here. Based on being in the midst of three generations of women in my family, here's what I've learned about parenting.

As long as you're mindful of the mistakes you feel your parents made with you, you can not go wrong. Be strong in your decisions, knowing that you've made them to the best of your ability, working to become a better parent than your own.

It took me years to forgive my own mother, but the one thing she told me that really helped me was the she "only did the best that she could do". Sounds elementary, but it goes for each of us. I do the best that I can and don't expect to be perfect. But I think that each generation of girls in our family will be better than the last. I think that's phenomenal, because I only wish my daughters even more joy from their children than I have from them.

Personally, I think it sounds as though you're a great mom!

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Meditrina

I don't think you were being preachy at all. and I totally agree with you when you said That is really all we can expect from ourselves. Each generation did the best they could do at that time, given the information they had from previous generations.

and thank you. A little reassurance goes a long way. That is another topic all together - on how my parents only pointed out the negative, even when I was doing the best I could.

__________________
"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

jewels

Kinda OT, but I find it fascinating to see how perception paints things.

I kinda envy the fact that your parents pointed out the negative. It may not have been the best way, but it was their way of showing you they cared, wrong as it may have been. My parents didn't involve themselves in my life enough to point out positive or negative, so I felt they didn't care or pay any attention to me. It's interesting that you're sort of shy because they pointed out the negative. I was the class clown and a rebellious "bad girl" later, hoping my negative actions would capture their attention. Even when I was grounded, the "discussion" wasn't really a discussion. It was a quick lecture, i.e. "I can't believe x. Go to your room for a month/week", or a belt on the bare ass from dear old dad.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

StellaLuna

Meditrina... I'm jealous. My mom never talked to me about what was going to happen, so one day when I started bleeding all over myself I just didn't tell her. I threw away a week's worth of underwear because I was so scared of her. Then my period skipped two months, and the second one made me so sick that she figured I was having my Very First Period, poor thing.
I never never want my daughter to deal with that. Ever.

__________________
Screw tradition!

Grasshopper Green

My mother didn't explain anything about menstruation to me. Thank God I had the maturation class at school or I probably would have thought I was dying, too.

__________________
"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

genuinegirly

<-- that's how it was for me. Though the "maturation" lecture was terribly antiquated, watched filmstrips from the 1950s (this was ~1990). The nurse who gave the lecture was older than dirt.

Luckily my older sister started about a month before I did, so all the supplies were available. I read package instructions and was fine. I didn't tell my mom I had started menstrating until a couple of years later. She tried to have a talk with me and I explained that I'd been menstrating regularly for two years and that I was a-ok.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

*Nikki*

I vaguely remember my mom kinda talking to me about it. However I was 16 when I started so I was way more "in the know" then a 10-12 year old.

For my own daughter I would like to have a very open relationship with her, one completely opposite of the one that I have with my own mom.

snowy

My mother talked all about it, but not once did she mention menstrual cramps. I thought I had a really bad case of indigestion or constipation. Turned out it was my period. And we weren't prepared at all for it because my mom had had a hysterectomy a few years prior, so there were no supplies in the house. I'd sent her off to go swimsuit shopping on her own, saying I'd stay home with my grandpa so I'd be close to a toilet. So once I figured out what was really going on, I had to ask my grandpa to take me to the store. I was really thankful to have a cool grandpa that day!

But Jesus H. Christ, it felt like my mom told everyone in creation that I had become a lady. She was great in helping me out with the cramps--so was my dad for that matter. Both of them picked me up from school many, many times (my cramps when I was younger were HORRIBLE) without complaint.

My mom and I have always been open about such things and sexual matters. I felt comfortable enough with my mom to ask her to make my first appointment for a pelvic exam and birth control consult. At the appointment, the GP asked my mother to step out for a moment to ask me if there was anything I wanted to tell her, the implication being that there might be some things I couldn't say in front of my mother. There wasn't. We still laugh about it now.

I made my first trip to an adult shop with my mother! Her friend was going shopping for Christmas gag gifts and they dragged me along too. My mother is a pretty modest person, oddly enough, and so she was kind of embarrassed about being there but not because of me--rather, because of all the strange things she hadn't ever seen or thought about. Some of the things she had to ask me what they were for. She didn't educate me about everything, obviously, but she did make sure I had access to information, and so I knew what most everything was for, despite being an 18-year-old virgin.

That is one of the upsides to all of this communication--I have never made a sexual decision I have later regretted. I have always used protection. I have always had access to birth control if I so desired. I lost my virginity in my own home, in my own bed, at a time of my choosing with a partner of my choosing, at age 19. I teased my mother the next morning that she'd said she would be able to tell, but she couldn't.

The other upside is that my mother is one of my best friends, and I can talk to her about anything. Anything. And that's a nice support to have.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

ngdawg

My mom didn't say anything either but when I got it, the whole world knew about it...
I'd called her from school (I was in 6th grade) to tell her I'd gotten my period and had to come home. I was embarrassed to go to the nurse to ask for pads or anything, I guess....
You'd have thought I performed a miracle, the woman was in tears and "so proud my daughter is becoming a woman".... in those days, pads weren't sticky-backs, you pinned them or hooked them thru a belt for the purpose, so she was "diapering me", showing me how to put the damned thing on....
and crying the whole time. sheesh....

Meditrina

This is awesome. This is what I never had with my own mother. This is what I hope for between my daughter and me.

__________________
"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

girldetective

My experience with my mother was similar to genuinegirly, but I did tell my mother and asked for her help on the day I started my period. She suggested I lay down and take a nap. As if I could sleep!

My relationship with my girls is similar to that of onesnowyowl, without the grandpa. Instead I took them each out to lunch, and my oldest sort of wiggled her hips.

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As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

little_tippler

I honestly can't remember. I remember some things so well then others not at all.

I know I was 14 when I got it. I knew about sex from when I was 7. I don't remember ever being talked to about it. I did have a book about sex in my room, with pictures. At school we heard about it. There was a sex ed class when I was 12. So at 14 I was only surprisedv that it had happened, not about what it was. I told my mom and she said t was my period and not to worry. Since I have always been regular and not had bad cramps, it really wasn't so awful.

I remember being embarrassed and wanting to skip gym class for a while. Then it just became normal.

I love my mom and we get on fine. We have never talked much about sex or menstruation, but she has always been there for me. At 17 she took me to my first obgyn appointment. I don't feel (luckily for me) that I needed to talk to her about it. I was happy to have her by my side.

That being said, I do hope that if and when I have a baby girl, I will open the lines of communcation more than she did. Just because I was level-headed enough to not need that much talking to, doesn't mean my child won't need it or benefit greatly from it.

I think I had a very good education and that is where I was lucky. Because if communcation was lacking in some places, in others it was firmly established.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Falconclaw240

My mother and I both got our periods very young, she was 9 and I was 8, and we had very different information on it
My nana (her mother) basically skipped over the whole subject(she herself had lost her uterus in giving birth so she didn't even have them herself) but luckily mom had friends at school to warn her of it so she didnt' have a heart attack and think she was dying as per your mother, but she still was very determined to make sure i didn't have the same problem
She was incredibly thourough and scientific about it, starting from the first time i asked where babies came from at around 5
we went to the library, we checked out books, and anything she didn't exactly know herself we looked up online or asked our family doctor
It was porb difficult for her, but I really think it was the best system, to this day i'm completely comfortable coming to mom with questions about my body, or the male body, in any form, I know if she doesn't know, we both will soon

annie1

I too thought I was dying when it happened to me. I had no clue it was coming and I was the first among my friends. It was the day before middle school started. What an awful time!

I hope that when/if I have a daughter that it will be a totally different situation!

RangerJoe

My mother had never talked to me about it, but I was also living with my dad at the time (and he sure as hell wasn't going to talk to me about it). Luckily, I started when I was about 14, AFTER "My Girl" had come out, so I knew I wasn't going to die. When I started, I was with my best friend and her family (which was like my family) at Pizza Hut. I told my friend, who told her mom, who was wonderful at helping me out. Of course, when we went back to the table, Daddy Dave, Papaw and Mamaw all knew I had started. But, I didn't mind so much since we were all really close.

I don't think I'll be having anymore kids, but I have to deal with the male version of this with my son. He's 8 and I've already started talking to him about puberty and what comes along with it. The other day we were talking about it, I told him one of the things that comes along with it is that his penis will get bigger. He said, "Good, because my penis is really small!"



I plan on keeping the communication between us really open. I don't want him to feel embarrassed about going through all the changes, because there's no reason to be!



I know, mine was a little off since I don't have a daughter, nor will I, but I still had to put in my two cents. (;

Meditrina

I am glad you brought up talking with your son. I have a 6 yr old boy as well as my daughter. I should not have kept this topic to only girl talk. I have no idea how I will handle puberty with him. I was hoping my husband would take that one, but I don't see that happening, so it's going to be all up to me.

__________________
"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

abaya

Ah, was gone for the weekend, missed this thread!

Hmm. Funny thing is, as much as my mom and I have never gotten along very well, she has always been extremely direct and doesn't really have a sense of privacy re: the body, for herself or with me. This has both good and bad sides.

For example, growing up, I thought it was totally normal to shower with my mom, and be in the bathroom with her (we never locked the bathroom doors, so we could always go in and out even if someone else was using it). So I became familiar with the whole period thing from an early age, and I knew what it was when it happened.

I was 13, but my parents were away on a weekend trip and I was at home with a relative--I called my parents when it happened and talked to both my mom and dad. My dad doesn't care about things being "female" or not, so he was fine talking to me about it... he's not easily embarrassed at all and was very supportive of me. My mom, on the other hand, freaked out completely and started crying and all the rest. That was more upsetting to me than anything else. It was almost like she was mad at me for having my period (which is something my mom did all the time, making me feel like something totally natural was my fault). Of course, in her mind she was losing her "baby," but jeez--I just wanted her to tell me what to do. I figured out where the pads were and put them on, and then went to write in my journal about it.

She didn't allow me to use tampons, since she had a thing about me "keeping my virginity" and she was afraid of using them, herself--but when I finally got to college (at 17) and had to take a swim test for the rowing team, on my period, I had to teach myself how to use one. It didn't work very well, and hurt really badly because there was no one to show me where to put it (and it was OB, to boot! Not the best choice for the first tampon insertion.) But eventually I figured those out on my own, and haven't looked back since.

Overall, I don't think that talking about puberty, sex, etc would have been a big deal, in theory, with my mother. The problem was that due to her emotional imbalances and her inclination to blame me for everything (including just plain growing up), I never felt safe initiating those conversations with her. It wasn't the topic, it was her emotionalized response to those topics. I still don't really trust her emotionally with anything intimate, because it always bites me in the ass when I do.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

KRM28152

My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship, and I didn't know anything about sex or my period or anything. I started in the 5th grade (I think), and we'd just had "the talk" at school so I knew what has happening. It started it my English class, so I had to call to go home too. I do remember having to tie my jacket around my waist and then I had a huge blood stain on my panties, jeans, and jacket. Lol, funny the things you remember. Luckily my mom is a genie in the washroom so she got it all out.

My parents are very, very, very conservative (up until recently, when I turned 21) so I was never told anything about anything growing up. She still doesn't know I've been on BC for the past year and a half. She did set up my first gyno appointment, I hadn't had sex yet but I'd fooled around and I remember being scared to death she was going to get my gonorrhea test results before I got home from school. But anyway, to sum it up, I do plan on telling my daughter early if I have one, and I want her to be more open with me and have a better relationship with me than I had with my mother the first 18 years of my life.

__________________

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.”

Starkizzer

I thank my lucky stars that my momma (stepmom) was a 6th grade teacher and did the "sex/growing up talk" with her sixth graders on a yearly basis. My mom told me all about it when I was about nine, even before my parents were married. Then I got my period when I was 10 so I knew what to expect and took a pad out from under the sink and went about my day with out saying a word. She noticed the wrapper in the trash can and asked me if I had started. LOL Then of course she HAD to go tell my dad, who immedietly came and hugged me like he was trying to fight off womanhood by smothering me to death right then and there.

But I think I have a strange but great relationship with my parents, compared to most anyway. They have always talked openly with me about sex and even at age 12 my mom told me that if I ever wanted Playgirl or a dildo to just let her know. That was weird, never took her up on that offer but it was nice to know that I didn't have to be ashamed of such things. My parents knew when I started bc and when im2smrt4u and I started having sex. I have always been able to ask my mom any question whether it was more technical or more curiosity.

I plan on raising my kids the same way as long as I think they can handle it. I think my parents knew I could and thus treated me more like and adult than a child.

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Frivolity, at the edge of a Moral Swamp, hears Hymn-Singing in the Distance and dons the Galoshes of Remorse. ~Edward Gorey