When doing Long Distance...do you ever just feel Numb? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

surferlove007 · 08-23-2007, 05:26 PM

JStrider and I are currently at the start of a long distance portion of our relationship (4 months) or one semester and its discouraging. I feel as though I've shut myself down when it comes to emotions and just become numb. I miss him very much and when we talk I often want to cry, but most of the other time I feel very numb. Like I'm outside of my body doing what needs to be done and thats it. No emotions. Nothing.

Any advice ladies?

abaya · 08-24-2007, 02:09 AM

Are you going to see him at all during those 4 months? Any visits in between? That would help, I think...

As for feeling numb, yeah, that happened to me sometimes. Along with every other emotion I could possibly feel.

Sometimes it was the only way to cope with the situation... because if you allow yourself to miss someone that much... well, you kind of stop being able to function in your own life, which isn't good. You have to come up with a way to cope, to make each day pass, which puts you closer to being reunited with him.

For ktspktsp and I, we usually talked briefly on the phone at least once a day, but otherwise it was best to just be on MSN and be able to talk as if he was in the same room. Or, if we had total lack of communication (when I was in Africa for 2 months), we wrote letters to each other every day and collected them for later... and that was actually great. Strange, it was somewhat easier to be *totally* disconnected from him, than to have phone calls and e-mails every day to remind me of how far apart we are. So I'd say you should find the right balance of communication that will help you feel better, not worse.

Of course I am talking out of my ass about a lot of this. Every LDR sucks... everyone has their own way of dealing with it. How is James coping?

mandy · 08-24-2007, 02:56 AM

oh my gosh...sounds like i could have written that myself about two years ago.

In the second year of our relationship, healer took a job about 350 km away from home. I was devastated but tried to show him all the support i could muster.

in that year he was gone, i literally felt like all the breath had been knocked out of me every time he left after he came home for a weekend or so.

sometimes i didnt even want to talk to him for fear of crying everytime i heard his voice.

i'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it gets better, cos for me, it definately did not. i couldnt stand being without him.

all i can tell you is that from what i know, which probably cant be very much...but also from what i see, you guys are great together and if your relationship is as strong as i think it is only from the pics i see and posts i read, then you should not have a problem because as painfull as the wait may be, the feeling you get when you look at him after not seeing for ages or when you touch his skin or kiss his lips...

trust me...it will only make you and your relationship that much stronger.

it took me a long time to figure that out and when i think about how we got through all the fights and the harsh words spoken... ok, i'm crying now

... i thank God everyday for Healer...for bringing him into my life and for giving me the strength, for giving us the strength and i truly believe that we are indestructable.

but yeah, you get through it and when you do, its the best feeling in the world. just never give up, no matter how hard it gets and no matter how much you just want to cry all the time. dont ever give up on what you have.

good luck sweety. i wish you guys all the best and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

*Nikki* · 08-24-2007, 07:41 AM

GG I did the long distance thing for about 8+ months with my now husband.

It was soooooo hard but let me tell you it was beneficial at the same time. We got to know each other in ways that weren't possible physically. When you spend hours talking to someone on the phone a lot of things come up in conversation that might not otherwise.

As far as your original question, sometimes I felt numb also. I felt very removed from the situation as I was truly by myself and it was like I didn't even have a boyfriend. I think that is a coping mechanism that your body develops.

cadre · 08-24-2007, 07:45 AM

Well, my so and I spent a semester apart last fall and now we've switched places and are spending yet another semester apart. It's definitely not something I'm happy about but you just have to focus on other things. For instance, I find that going out with my friends always helps a lot and I also focus on my schoolwork that much more and both things help to keep my mind off my boyfriend. Our problem is that we both have jobs and classes so even though we're about two hours apart it's hard to justify the gas money unless we have at least a day free.

As far as feeling numb goes, I can't say that I've felt that. I've felt pretty much everything else and I do go into slight depressions again when he leaves or I leave but no numbness for me.

The best advice I can offer is to find other things to do. If you sit around focusing on how much you miss him it's going to seem like you're apart for an eternity. There's nothing wrong with looking forward to seeing JStrider but if that's all you do it makes it hard to get anything else done.

surferlove007 · 08-24-2007, 09:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abaya

Are you going to see him at all during those 4 months? Any visits in between?

To be a bit more thorough we will be doing visits...but probably once a month.
He is in Houston while I'm in Lubbock. Its about 600 miles apart, no fun at all. Driving is a lot of time, there and back is probably 17-18 hours total of driving for only like 2 days, so its hard for my to justify it unless its a special special circumstance.
Our 1 year anniversary is coming up, so we're planning on a visit for that.
Otherwise future visits are still to be planned.
Fortunately I have Fridays off of class and he has every other Friday off, so we're hoping to be able to figure out visiting dates once classes have started and I get my work schedule.

I think that my body has been going numb so I do not repeat what happened in the summer.
When we both parted for 7 weeks, I remember just not being able to sleep...I cried all the time, I went through depression, and a lot of other problems contributed by that fact that we were 2 hours apart time wise and talking on the phone even became a chore bc he wanted to wait till his minutes were free at 9 while that was 11 for me...but then I had to get up at 7 each morning and be at work by 8...you all know what I mean.

We're planning on doing some more pictures for one another, and I'm trying to keep myself busy by picking up shifts at work.

Classes start Monday...blah.

noodle · 08-24-2007, 11:17 AM

GG... what about meeting halfway?
Finding a new little town or stopping place each time?
Takes some of the stress off one person and balances it a bit.
Plus, you might be able to experience some new places together, which can actually be kinda fun.

surferlove007 · 08-24-2007, 11:21 AM

Yes we actually have talked about that...but middle points between Houston and Lubbock are not the most fascinating, which is why we're leaning toward the you/I come visit.

noodle · 08-24-2007, 11:23 AM

Not fascinating makes it even more fun. No excuses to leave the hotel room.

I getcha, though. I can't imagine. My SO talks about taking a contractor's position from time to time which would have him hom once a month. I don't know how I would deal.

shesus · 08-24-2007, 12:40 PM

Halfway would mean maybe more together time. And those less fascinating places have cheap hotels and cheap doesn't mean dirty. On our road trip the $30 hotel room was nicer than the $70 room in most cases.

Long distance relationships suck, simple as that. I hated when I was in one. I can't offer advice because mine didn't work out. We weren't meant to be and we were too young to try hard enough.

TotalMILF · 08-24-2007, 08:43 PM

Yeah, "numb" just about sums it up. It's a really crappy defense mechanism.

Since xeph's been gone I've been able to muster up the energy to be a good mother to our son, but I'm mostly just "existing" until he comes home. There's an 11.5 hour time difference, which makes lining up IM sessions difficult sometimes. It's strange to think that he's just getting up when I'm eating dinner, and vice versa. He does get to call almost weekly, though, which is very nice and more than I was expecting.

Like shesus said, LD relationships just plain suck. You've got to keep reminding yourself that it's just temporary, and when you look back on it years later you'll probably laugh at how fast the time really flew by. For us it's already been almost 8 months and when I think about it, a year and a half is really only a small chunk of our lives together. Our son is young enough that it's unlikely that he'll remember any of this deployment at all, and I'm grateful for that.

Sorry I don't have any really good advice. Being apart from your loved one sucks donkey balls, but you'll get through it. You don't have a choice.

JustDoll · 08-27-2007, 05:57 PM

Numb, emotionless, dull....so on.. and any other adjectives you can possibly think of that is synonmous

...is all i can think of when I had to part from my guy for 4 months during SUMMER.
Seriously, ANY season would be better than summer, but because his family lives on the opposite of the world, he has to go back.
Its frustrating when I can't blame him for leaving

, and at the same time also extremely irritated by the fact that he HAS to leave because afterall families are supposedly more important than the girlfriend.

Sighs. After 8 months of nonstop lectures and work, the minute I want to spend some decent quality time with my bf...he leaves and flies 2934289379242 km away from me. At least yours is within driving distance. So when you think about it, you are alot better offf =)...and definitely not alone!
It gets really lonely, especially when I wanna catch a movie with some of my buddies..and they happen to have already watched it with their respective bf/gf ..... ..which isn't even the end of it..because when guys ask me to go watch movies (knowing that my bf isn't around) I would have to reject them just cuz i dun like lying...esp. to my bf..

Okay it feels like im venting rather than advising..

lol..
but yea..

Cheer up... cherish the fact that you actually GET to see him without having to pay $2000+ for a air ticket !

Clare · 08-28-2007, 01:32 AM

me and my boyfriend live 200 miles away from each other, i have to admit every now and again ill start feeling a little worn down about it and start feeling numb as you say, but when i see him again that feeling is better than anything, when i dont see him for one of the longer periods of time i remember that feeling and it helps me hold on until i can see him

surferlove007 · 08-28-2007, 04:21 PM

Thanks for the advice ladies, nice to know I'm not the only one who has felt this way before.

Long Distance sucks

Eowyn_Vala · 08-29-2007, 04:37 PM

Yeah it sucks. I was only a few hours away from my husband (bf at the time) over the summer between semesters. But neither of us had a car so we couldn't visit each other, all we had was the phone. It was 3 months with out him. Then for that next semester we were an hour and a half apart, I had a car but classes and a job so we saw each other maybe once a month. Then the semester after that I had classes, 2 jobs and no car, he had a car then, so it was still maybe once a month. I hated it. It was depressing and numb is a great word. I lived for the time I would get to see him.

Now that we are married and have been living together/married for over 3 years there are times I almost wish that he'd go away for a week or two. Sometimes you just need a break and then it's that exhilirating experience all over again. But I wouldn't want to be apart for longer than that cause LDRs do indeed suck. Knowing that you will only get to see that person for a few days and then spend weeks without them again isn't a great feeling.

Chin up. Time will pass by faster than you think. I know it doesn't seem like it and I can say that since I'm not there, but it will.

ejm_msp · 09-10-2007, 04:10 AM

I have a hard time being without my current man for even a weekend, and the last time I did a LDR we were only 1:30 apart and I kind of wanted to break up with my ex anyway, so maybe I'm not in the best position to dispense advice but...

You are probably really busy with school, but why not find something new to occupy your space/time. I know this sounds like break up advice- but maybe a new hobby is what you need to get your mind off of it. Or maybe take up something that used to give you a lot of pleasure.

As an enthusiastic cyclist, I would advise you to get a bike. A good bike ride will get those endorphins pumping so you will feel 700% better, you will get exercise which is always good, and if you currently drive a car, you will make baby jesus and Al Gore happy at the same time for saving the world.

$.02

creepysusie · 09-19-2007, 08:09 PM

Hey,
I totally know what you mean. My boyfriend was originally going to go to the RCMP, which demands a non stop 6 month training in the middle of the Praries in Canada. We both live in Vancouver and I am still in the middle of trying to finish my degree, so it was a big stress point in our relationship just discussing it. He's probably going to be going next Fall, so even though I am in the green light right now, it still lingers in the back of my head.
However, if you two have a good, strong, solid relationship filled with love, respect and trust, just hang in there. Me and my boyfriend know that it would be hard to talk on the phone, so we planned to have many emails between the two of us.
My friend actually planned her wedding while her fiance was training in the 6 months, so she definately had something to keep her occupied (plus exams, essays and assignments)
Just plan lots of "you-time" and meet up with some friends. It will take your mind off of him and when you get home to write him an email or a phone call, you know you can appreciate eachother so much when he comes back to you.

surferlove007 · 10-09-2007, 09:17 PM

The fact that October has finally arrived and is flying by really helps.
I've submitted all of my required paperwork to transfer to Texas A&M...so now I have to wait. I do hope the fates smile on me and I get in. I dread having to be here another semester!

As for the numb part guys, well since we've been able to visit often it's helped. Knowing we'll get to see each other soon makes life worth living at times. As well as the memories help carry you until the next visit.

08-23-2007, 05:26 PM	#1 (permalink)
surferlove007 Junkie	When doing Long Distance...do you ever just feel Numb? JStrider and I are currently at the start of a long distance portion of our relationship (4 months) or one semester and its discouraging. I feel as though I've shut myself down when it comes to emotions and just become numb. I miss him very much and when we talk I often want to cry, but most of the other time I feel very numb. Like I'm outside of my body doing what needs to be done and thats it. No emotions. Nothing. Any advice ladies?

08-24-2007, 02:09 AM	#2 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Are you going to see him at all during those 4 months? Any visits in between? That would help, I think... As for feeling numb, yeah, that happened to me sometimes. Along with every other emotion I could possibly feel. Sometimes it was the only way to cope with the situation... because if you allow yourself to miss someone that much... well, you kind of stop being able to function in your own life, which isn't good. You have to come up with a way to cope, to make each day pass, which puts you closer to being reunited with him. For ktspktsp and I, we usually talked briefly on the phone at least once a day, but otherwise it was best to just be on MSN and be able to talk as if he was in the same room. Or, if we had total lack of communication (when I was in Africa for 2 months), we wrote letters to each other every day and collected them for later... and that was actually great. Strange, it was somewhat easier to be totally disconnected from him, than to have phone calls and e-mails every day to remind me of how far apart we are. So I'd say you should find the right balance of communication that will help you feel better, not worse. Of course I am talking out of my ass about a lot of this. Every LDR sucks... everyone has their own way of dealing with it. How is James coping? __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

08-24-2007, 02:56 AM	#3 (permalink)
mandy Addict Location: Port Elizabeth, South Africa	oh my gosh...sounds like i could have written that myself about two years ago. In the second year of our relationship, healer took a job about 350 km away from home. I was devastated but tried to show him all the support i could muster. in that year he was gone, i literally felt like all the breath had been knocked out of me every time he left after he came home for a weekend or so. sometimes i didnt even want to talk to him for fear of crying everytime i heard his voice. i'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it gets better, cos for me, it definately did not. i couldnt stand being without him. all i can tell you is that from what i know, which probably cant be very much...but also from what i see, you guys are great together and if your relationship is as strong as i think it is only from the pics i see and posts i read, then you should not have a problem because as painfull as the wait may be, the feeling you get when you look at him after not seeing for ages or when you touch his skin or kiss his lips... trust me...it will only make you and your relationship that much stronger. it took me a long time to figure that out and when i think about how we got through all the fights and the harsh words spoken... ok, i'm crying now ... i thank God everyday for Healer...for bringing him into my life and for giving me the strength, for giving us the strength and i truly believe that we are indestructable. but yeah, you get through it and when you do, its the best feeling in the world. just never give up, no matter how hard it gets and no matter how much you just want to cry all the time. dont ever give up on what you have. good luck sweety. i wish you guys all the best and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. __________________ The Imagination equips us to see a reality we have yet to create

08-24-2007, 07:45 AM	#5 (permalink)
cadre The Worst Influence Location: Arizona	Well, my so and I spent a semester apart last fall and now we've switched places and are spending yet another semester apart. It's definitely not something I'm happy about but you just have to focus on other things. For instance, I find that going out with my friends always helps a lot and I also focus on my schoolwork that much more and both things help to keep my mind off my boyfriend. Our problem is that we both have jobs and classes so even though we're about two hours apart it's hard to justify the gas money unless we have at least a day free. As far as feeling numb goes, I can't say that I've felt that. I've felt pretty much everything else and I do go into slight depressions again when he leaves or I leave but no numbness for me. The best advice I can offer is to find other things to do. If you sit around focusing on how much you miss him it's going to seem like you're apart for an eternity. There's nothing wrong with looking forward to seeing JStrider but if that's all you do it makes it hard to get anything else done. __________________ My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

08-24-2007, 12:40 PM	#10 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	Halfway would mean maybe more together time. And those less fascinating places have cheap hotels and cheap doesn't mean dirty. On our road trip the $30 hotel room was nicer than the $70 room in most cases. Long distance relationships suck, simple as that. I hated when I was in one. I can't offer advice because mine didn't work out. We weren't meant to be and we were too young to try hard enough. __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

08-24-2007, 07:41 AM	#4 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	GG I did the long distance thing for about 8+ months with my now husband. It was soooooo hard but let me tell you it was beneficial at the same time. We got to know each other in ways that weren't possible physically. When you spend hours talking to someone on the phone a lot of things come up in conversation that might not otherwise. As far as your original question, sometimes I felt numb also. I felt very removed from the situation as I was truly by myself and it was like I didn't even have a boyfriend. I think that is a coping mechanism that your body develops.

08-24-2007, 11:21 AM	#8 (permalink)
surferlove007 Junkie	Yes we actually have talked about that...but middle points between Houston and Lubbock are not the most fascinating, which is why we're leaning toward the you/I come visit.

08-24-2007, 08:43 PM	#11 (permalink)
TotalMILF Delusional... but in a funny way Location: deeee-TROIT!!!	Yeah, "numb" just about sums it up. It's a really crappy defense mechanism. Since xeph's been gone I've been able to muster up the energy to be a good mother to our son, but I'm mostly just "existing" until he comes home. There's an 11.5 hour time difference, which makes lining up IM sessions difficult sometimes. It's strange to think that he's just getting up when I'm eating dinner, and vice versa. He does get to call almost weekly, though, which is very nice and more than I was expecting. Like shesus said, LD relationships just plain suck. You've got to keep reminding yourself that it's just temporary, and when you look back on it years later you'll probably laugh at how fast the time really flew by. For us it's already been almost 8 months and when I think about it, a year and a half is really only a small chunk of our lives together. Our son is young enough that it's unlikely that he'll remember any of this deployment at all, and I'm grateful for that. Sorry I don't have any really good advice. Being apart from your loved one sucks donkey balls, but you'll get through it. You don't have a choice. __________________ "I'm sorry, all I heard was blah blah blah, I'm a dirty tramp."

08-27-2007, 05:57 PM	#12 (permalink)
JustDoll Upright Location: T.dot	Numb, emotionless, dull....so on.. and any other adjectives you can possibly think of that is synonmous ...is all i can think of when I had to part from my guy for 4 months during SUMMER. Seriously, ANY season would be better than summer, but because his family lives on the opposite of the world, he has to go back. Its frustrating when I can't blame him for leaving , and at the same time also extremely irritated by the fact that he HAS to leave because afterall families are supposedly more important than the girlfriend. Sighs. After 8 months of nonstop lectures and work, the minute I want to spend some decent quality time with my bf...he leaves and flies 2934289379242 km away from me. At least yours is within driving distance. So when you think about it, you are alot better offf =)...and definitely not alone! It gets really lonely, especially when I wanna catch a movie with some of my buddies..and they happen to have already watched it with their respective bf/gf ..... ..which isn't even the end of it..because when guys ask me to go watch movies (knowing that my bf isn't around) I would have to reject them just cuz i dun like lying...esp. to my bf.. Okay it feels like im venting rather than advising.. lol.. but yea.. Cheer up... cherish the fact that you actually GET to see him without having to pay $2000+ for a air ticket ! __________________ It's like you slit my throat, watched me bleed to death, and asked my dead body why I was screaming in so much pain. Last edited by JustDoll; 08-27-2007 at 05:58 PM.. Reason: Automerged Doublepost

08-28-2007, 01:32 AM	#13 (permalink)
Clare Upright Location: England	me and my boyfriend live 200 miles away from each other, i have to admit every now and again ill start feeling a little worn down about it and start feeling numb as you say, but when i see him again that feeling is better than anything, when i dont see him for one of the longer periods of time i remember that feeling and it helps me hold on until i can see him

08-28-2007, 04:21 PM	#14 (permalink)
surferlove007 Junkie	Thanks for the advice ladies, nice to know I'm not the only one who has felt this way before. Long Distance sucks

08-29-2007, 04:37 PM	#15 (permalink)
Eowyn_Vala Insane Location: There's no place like home..	Yeah it sucks. I was only a few hours away from my husband (bf at the time) over the summer between semesters. But neither of us had a car so we couldn't visit each other, all we had was the phone. It was 3 months with out him. Then for that next semester we were an hour and a half apart, I had a car but classes and a job so we saw each other maybe once a month. Then the semester after that I had classes, 2 jobs and no car, he had a car then, so it was still maybe once a month. I hated it. It was depressing and numb is a great word. I lived for the time I would get to see him. Now that we are married and have been living together/married for over 3 years there are times I almost wish that he'd go away for a week or two. Sometimes you just need a break and then it's that exhilirating experience all over again. But I wouldn't want to be apart for longer than that cause LDRs do indeed suck. Knowing that you will only get to see that person for a few days and then spend weeks without them again isn't a great feeling. Chin up. Time will pass by faster than you think. I know it doesn't seem like it and I can say that since I'm not there, but it will. __________________ Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before. DG: And, how am I doing? Cain: Well, there's less hugging when I do it

09-10-2007, 04:10 AM	#16 (permalink)
ejm_msp Upright	I have a hard time being without my current man for even a weekend, and the last time I did a LDR we were only 1:30 apart and I kind of wanted to break up with my ex anyway, so maybe I'm not in the best position to dispense advice but... You are probably really busy with school, but why not find something new to occupy your space/time. I know this sounds like break up advice- but maybe a new hobby is what you need to get your mind off of it. Or maybe take up something that used to give you a lot of pleasure. As an enthusiastic cyclist, I would advise you to get a bike. A good bike ride will get those endorphins pumping so you will feel 700% better, you will get exercise which is always good, and if you currently drive a car, you will make baby jesus and Al Gore happy at the same time for saving the world. $.02

09-19-2007, 08:09 PM	#17 (permalink)
creepysusie Tilted	Hey, I totally know what you mean. My boyfriend was originally going to go to the RCMP, which demands a non stop 6 month training in the middle of the Praries in Canada. We both live in Vancouver and I am still in the middle of trying to finish my degree, so it was a big stress point in our relationship just discussing it. He's probably going to be going next Fall, so even though I am in the green light right now, it still lingers in the back of my head. However, if you two have a good, strong, solid relationship filled with love, respect and trust, just hang in there. Me and my boyfriend know that it would be hard to talk on the phone, so we planned to have many emails between the two of us. My friend actually planned her wedding while her fiance was training in the 6 months, so she definately had something to keep her occupied (plus exams, essays and assignments) Just plan lots of "you-time" and meet up with some friends. It will take your mind off of him and when you get home to write him an email or a phone call, you know you can appreciate eachother so much when he comes back to you.

10-09-2007, 09:17 PM	#18 (permalink)
surferlove007 Junkie	The fact that October has finally arrived and is flying by really helps. I've submitted all of my required paperwork to transfer to Texas A&M...so now I have to wait. I do hope the fates smile on me and I get in. I dread having to be here another semester! As for the numb part guys, well since we've been able to visit often it's helped. Knowing we'll get to see each other soon makes life worth living at times. As well as the memories help carry you until the next visit.