Elphaba

In short, I've been doing that for a long time.

Ambient1

Ben,

As many of your numerous fans here have stated, your stories are absolutely amazing. I'm loving the behind the scenes glimpses into military life.

Strangely enough, I'm getting the urge to go talk to a recruiter. I've often thought about joining the CF, but never actually carried through...

Keep the stories coming!

BigBen

Why Ben is afraid of spiders and mice, and everything nice…

96 I was in the field, and we were digging our bed (read: sleeping in a trench. Uncomfortable) to sleep at night. Before we deployed to the field, a medic gave us the speech, unofficially referred to as the “Fucking glad I ain’t YOU” speech.

“Please be aware that the local fauna is not your friend, and many things will kill you slowly, and some will kill you fast.”

There are many different types of spiders, and I really had no problem with them. I liked the way their webs looked in the morning dew. I was soon introduced to a Brown Recluse spider, whose bite will not kill you, per se, but will instead just take your arm or leg with a blood clot or necrosis. If the necrosis hits your heart or lungs you are a gonner, but don’t worry, people just usually lose an arm.

I really don’t mind mice either! I thought that the way they helped poor Cinderella with her dress was nice, and any good seamstress mouse was okay in my books. I was then introduced to the Hanta-virus carrying Deer Mouse, who can provide hours of enjoyment with flu-like symptoms and seizures causing death.

To take care of the mice, the RSM declared that all snack food was forbidden, and anyone caught storing food in their kit would be severely penalized. The mice still enjoyed a nice warm place to sleep, so therefore people were not allowed to set up tents, and instead were instructed to keep things tight and unpleasant. They didn’t mention this in the brochure… To take care of the spiders, we wore 98% DEET repellent, which would make your lips tingle and peel paint off of surfaces.

I would wake up daily with the fucking spiders crawling on my face, and I had to calmly brush them off to avoid a bite.

I would store my boots upside down to avoid making a nice place to sleep for a filthy Deer Mouse.

After returning to civilization, my girlfriend (now wife) tickled the back of my neck as we were watching a movie. I FUCKING LOST IT. I started screaming and freaking out, and then SHE started screaming and freaking out, and then I started to cry, and then SHE started to cry. What a mess. I didn’t think that I had PTSD from a spider or mouse, but when I reacted that way, I realized that I was waaaay more messed up than originally thought! I went for counselling.

__________________
3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

Paq

Dude, you are f*cking awesome.

__________________
Live.

Chris

Furry

This is superb. I've never considered joining the army - I'm interested in prevention rather than cure - but your stories certainly put things in perspective.

Just a silly question: When it comes to blowing stuff up/shooting people, has Hollywood ever got anything right?

__________________
Furry is the leader of his own cult, the "Furballs of Doom". They sit about chanting "Doom, Doom, Doom".
(From a random shot in the dark by SirLance)

BigBen

That is an excellent question...

Worthy of its own thread really. I think, off of the top of my head:

1. Full Metal Jacket, by Stanley Kubrick: The first part with Drill Instructor Hartman (played wonderfully by F. Lee Raimey(sp?)) was pretty close to my first day.

2. Heartbreak ridge (Clint Eastwood): That showed what the team atmosphere is really like. You get so that you trust each other completely.

That's all I can think of right now.

The effects of small arms fire is really bad in hollywood. It just is nothing like that. The sound is like *pop* instead of this huge KABOOM, and the cracking of the bullets can't really be described, except by thinking of it like someone cracking a whip by your ear, but steady and repetitive, never waivering.

Noone flies through the air when they are shot. They just slump over. There is never a big huge fireball with explosions. It looks like a big dust cloud, that instantly appears like magic. When a concussion hits you, it is like a football player hits every square inch of your body, and pushes you over.

And the noise you hear is like the ring tone off of a really expensive golf club driver, and then a steady humming, like you were humming a high note under water.
"Ping-mmmmmmmmmmm..."

When someone is hurt bad, they never say something heroic. They either ask "What happened" "Where am I" or the worst "Am I okay". And I have heard my fair share of "Oh shit".

I remember the time that a guy dropped his glove on the grenade range. He cursed "Oh, shit..." and then reached down to pick it up. He didn't have any grenades, he wasn't in any danger, he didn't do anything wrong. Everybody on that range shit their pants. I know I did. The Warrant came over (after shutting down the range for a minute) and screamed at us for about 2 minutes. "NEVER SAY THOSE WORDS ON A GRENADE RANGE!!!"

And in Hollywood, there is always a 'bad guy' in the group. Someone always acting selfishly, blaming others, not pulling their weight. In real life, noone is like that. We work together, we play together, we drink, smoke, sleep, shit, shower and shave together. I have met smart guys who quit, and dumb guys who last forever, but one thing is the same: We work together, and help each other.

__________________
3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

FngKestrel

Love the stories on this thread BigBen, but I gotta correct you here. It was R. Lee Ermey, who started out as a technical advisor for the movie.

From IMDB: Carry on.
/threadjack

Manuel Hong

BigBen931,
Thanks so much for all you've continued to share. I really enjoy reading your stories and the tone you set. You aught to consider writing a book. You do have a bestseller here you know. I will surely miss reading your tales while you're away; I wish you all the best of luck.

__________________
Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)

BigBen

I really thought that I had posted this story already:

Man, I haven’t slept in like, a week!

I here that phrase quite often by people who are complaining that they are tired, and although it is kind of like saying that you are cold (no, you aren’t, you just think so) I have a hard time believing someone when they say that…

I have stayed awake a long time, and there is a funny story following:

The same summer that the roads got blown up, I was tasked as a radio operator for the command post on the demolition range. I had 4 radio nets (frequencies) that I had to monitor, and I was in charge of 2 of them…
1. Range Control net: These guys are in charge of everything that happens in the field, and their position outranks the highest rank. When they say jump, one merely responds ‘How High?’
2. Company Net: Everyone involved used this frequency, and 99% of the time, they were talking about shit that had nothing to do with us.
3. Command Net: The guy in charge of the operation used this frequency, and he needed to be in contact with everyone, at all times.
4. Sentry Net: The people positioned around the demolition area had a radio to contact me if there was any breach in security (ie cow wandering into area, DUMP TRUCK flying through the barrier, et cetera).

Now this job can be split however you want, but ideally you would have at least 3 or 4 people doing this. One person listening to 2 nets each, and a third sleeping or standing by to provide relief (piss break, smoke break, meal times). We were short staffed, and instead of pulling someone off of sentry duty, or 2 more people, I was tasked with doing the job, solo.

I learned not to say no, and I soon found myself with one radio net in each ear, one with the volume turned all the way up, and one with a blinking light that was turned all the way up so that I could distinguish the 2. I became accustomed to staring at the little light, and the cord to the headset I wore was 25 feet in length so I could walk outside and take a quick piss.

It was stressful, but not too bad. There was a pot of fresh coffee on all the time, and people came and went as they got their orders or stopped to eat a meal. This was the command post after all, and there was a low buzz of activity surrounding me. When I needed to stretch my legs, or shave, I would grab one of the other staff and say “Listen to this headset. If anyone calls for callsign ZERO or Delta-Charlie-Five-Seven, give me a shout. I’ll be back in 3 minutes.”

This went on into the night. Then the sun came up. Then I emptied the garbage can and ashtray. Then I ate a meal. Then I had my 743rd cup of coffee. Then the sun set again. Everything started to run into the next. I kept talking on the radio, giving hourly reports to my boss, and so on, and so on.

Suddenly, everything was finished. The call came to shut down, and we started packing up.

My boss came over to me and said “Ben, I want you to get in that truck and move it over to the administration area so that we can get everything organized.”

What I heard was “Ben…….Truck…….Move” and I said “OKAY!!”

I got into the truck (2 ½ ton, 6 wheel drive) and started the engine. I put it into reverse, and stamped on the gas. I was travelling merrily in reverse, when I came to a steep hill. The truck was having difficulty making it up the hill in reverse. I stopped, put the transfer case in LOW range and engaged the 6-wheel drive function. AHA! Much better! I continued to merrily climb the hill.

I crested the hill, In Reverse remember, and all of a sudden, I lost traction. Hmmmmm, I wonder what is wrong. I stepped on the gas, again and again, and all that happened is that I revved the engine. I put the truck in park, shut the engine off, set the parking brake, and got out. I stepped onto a big rock, instead of the running board.

I saw in the distance at the bottom of the hill a Warrant officer. He looked really, really mad. He was running up the hill towards me.

Boy, I’d hate to be the guy that he is mad at!

I lit a cigarette, and wondered how this rock got underneath my truck. It sure looked big. On closer inspection, I seem to have parked my truck on top of this rock, and all 6 wheels were off the ground. I wonder how I will get this rock out from under here?

The Warrant finally got there. Maybe he will know how to get the rock out. I looked at him. He was yelling, and little veins were popping out of his neck. His face was red. I couldn’t hear a thing.

Maybe he is mad at YOU, Ben. Uh-oh. All of a sudden, my hearing came back.

(all of the following at absolute top volume, including spit flying and arms flapping)
“What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck happened here? Where the fuck were you going? Answer me!”

He was really, really mad. He was mad at me. I could not understand why. He told me to move the truck and I moved the truck. What did I do wrong?

“Uhmmm, I, I, I dunno. I think Warrant… Ummm” I was desperately trying to find an explanation to this whole twisted mess. My brain just couldn’t work. It was stuck in some kind of slow motion muddy substance.

He looked up at the top of my head and slowly down to the bottom of my feet. He calmed down, and stopped yelling. He looked me in the eye like a concerned parent. He used my first name:
”Ben, what happened? Are you okay?”
I looked down at my feet and noticed that I had just pissed my pants. I couldn’t feel anything.

I didn’t respond, and the Warrant took my shoulder and led me down the hill. I didn’t notice before, but the hill was quite steep!

He sat me down, called the commander, lit a smoke, and we sat there and waited. The Military Police showed up first. Then the medics. Then the recovery truck to get my truck off of the hill. It was pretty stuck I guess.

Someone found out that I had not been relieved since the start of the demolition range, and that everyone thought that I was someone else’s responsibility. I had not said anything, so everyone thought everything was taken care of.

I was awake for 72 hours. The Warrant immediately sent me to bed. I laid down, and I woke 2 hours later. I had to piss badly. I went to the can, and looked at my watch. Time for Lunch! I was suddenly starving, and had two meals. Everyone asked how I was feeling, and I guessed correctly that the word had got around about me and my fuck-up.

I went and checked in on my Warrant, expecting a huge punishment. He saw me and met me half way. He was smiling. He asked if I wanted a coffee and a smoke. I was nervous, but I obliged him.

“You have a good sleep?” he chuckled.
“Yeah, a 2 hour nap did me wonders.”
“Son, you slept for 26 hours, not 2.” He was laughing, and everyone else started to laugh. So I started to laugh.

They nicknamed me ‘Sleeping Beauty’ for a while. I found out that a soldier is no longer responsible for their own actions after being deprived of sleep for 48 hours.

So you can see when I hear people say that they haven’t slept in a week, I assume that they mean that they haven’t got a full night’s sleep in a week, not that they have been fully awake for 7 days. A few hours of napping here, a few there, but I can’t believe that anyone has ever gone a full week!

__________________
3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

kramus

brief threadjack

Dear Elphaba

please tell us more - in a thread all your own I am so glad BigBen is sharing his gift of stories. Maybe you could too

threadjack over. Carry on.

__________________
And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ...
I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

Kid_Karysma

This is definitely a frequent pitstop for me now to read the latest posts. I wish other readers that had good military stories would share. I love this shit.

__________________
Click Here to See All the Karysma Collection. You Will NOT be Disappointed.

MSD

I know what you mean. It sounds like you were borderline delerious after that time, whereas I find that visual and auditory hallucinations generally begin anytime between 55 and 65.

Unfortunately, I've gone from being able to stay awake without any sort of chemical assistance other than cafeine to what I suspect to be teh beginning stages of chronic fatigue disorder. Don't stay up multiple days in a row too often, you'll burn out.

Martian

Ben, my utmost respect to you and your colleagues. I was denied the opportunity to do what you're doing due to medical reasons, but hell, the next best thing is living vicariously through your stories.

Great writing, too. I could definitely see a career for you as a columnist at the very least, some day.

Good luck on the field exercises!

Paq

actually, you *can* go for a week w/out real sleep, but your body will force you into 'microsleeps' lasting a few minutes or until you are awakened by something. After about 48 straight hours of no sleep, you really do lose motor control and your cognitive skills drop to a remarkably low level where they remain until you get *enough* sleep again. The funny part is that 8 hrs will generally have your body back in normal shape, but your body will probably want more sleep/rest, so your 26 hrs is not unusual. Another strange phenom is that a lot of special forces training is based around how to sleep w/out losing sense of your environment, but this type of sleep would leave you feeling not so refreshed...

interesting note about the 48 hrs of sleep relieving you of any responsibility of personal actions...

If you ever want some interesting reading or viewing, try to find some studies on sleep deprivation. the body is definitely strange about sleep

__________________
Live.

Chris

Borgs

Awsome thread man, I enjoyed it greatly.

liquidlight

Thread bump. . . read the military master

__________________
Halfway to hell and picking up speed.

Siege

Well, i'm sure Ben will have some great stories for us soon since it's approaching the end of the summer.

This is an awesome thread. I can't believe I didn't see it until today.

__________________
"Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek"

--Kevin Smith

This part just makes my posts easier to find

Ishmal

my thoughts exactly...

great stories Ben,

*subscribe*

__________________
"Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular."

analog

The 26 hours, and the "no longer responsible for their own actions" parts... i have never laughed so hard in my life. I about lost my lungs, i laughed so hard.

This whole thread is priceless, please don't ever stop.

feelgood

That's Comedy Gold!

__________________
Looking out the window, that's an act of war. Staring at my shoes, that's an act of war. Committing an act of war? Oh you better believe that's an act of war

BigBen

I promise, more stories to come.

Thanks for the wonderful appreciation.

/Ben runs off to check if he has any stories lying around...

__________________
3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

ruggerp11

*claps*

wow, I love this.

__________________
Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it.
--Mark Twain
Do What makes you happy
--Me
BUT!
"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

rideough

Maybe I don't find the stories as hilarious as the others Ben, perhaps because I just served with 2RCHA for 6 and a half years...I can relate though. Herbie life is a bit unto itself even in the military. I really appreciate your writing abilities though. Every story automatically transports me back to the Petawawa training area! And its raining there

__________________
i may or may not be on acid right now....

BigBen

Found another story. Will take some time to write.

Tecoyah asked if I had ever saved a life. The answer is yes, and I thought that I had already posted that story.

I guess not.

Here it comes...

__________________
3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

liquidlight

*waiting somewhat impatiently*

__________________
Halfway to hell and picking up speed.

BigBen

I was driving in the training area in a 10 ton truck and was late for a task. I was to pick up a bunch of VIP’s and drive them from one static display to another. The event was planned so that all of the VIP’s could get a “taste” of army life, and that included getting bounced around in the back of a troop transport vehicle. What fun!

I was going from place to place and running around like a chicken with my fucking head cut off… so basically business as usual. I was rocking out to my radio that I had paid one of the mechanics to hotwire into the dash of the truck, and I still remember that Nirvana’s Nevermind was playing.

I was climbing a steep hill, and the gravel road I was on was a little bit skinny. I was going through the gears when I saw that a convoy of Armoured Personnel Carriers (APC’s) was coming down the hill on the same road I was on. No big deal, I just pulled over as far right as I could and slowed down. The lead APC in the convoy did the same. I noticed that the drivers were practicing “Hatches Down” combat driving drills, so they were looking out little periscope windows instead of actually seeing where they were going. The commander of the vehicle was in “Nametag Defilade” position, so that means that his upper torso was sticking out of the commander’s hatch, and he was communicating to the driver what was going on. It was a pretty standard combat training situation.

I had stopped about 200 metres from the approaching convoy and waited for them to pass. The lead APC passed by, no problem. So did the second. The convoy was about 7 or 8 carriers long, and they were kicking up a shitload of dust.

Suddenly, in the middle of the dust, I saw the third or fourth vehicle having some problems. The carrier had pulled over too far right and not slowed down enough, and when it hit the soft shoulder in front of me, it flipped over the side of the hill and out of sight. I could see the commander of the track as the vehicle flipped. He had this look of horror on his face.

“HOLY FUCK!” I screamed, and dynamited the air brakes on my truck. I jumped out of the cab, and was surprised to see that the rest of the APC convoy just KEPT GOING!! The next carrier did not see what happened because of all of the dust. I waved my arms in the air, and the last commander waved back at me like I was a kid standing on the curb of a fancy parade. “No, you idiot, STOP!” I cried, but the roar of the engines drowned out my scream.

I looked over the side of the cliff, and about 75 feet down I saw the wheels of the APC staring up at me, slowly turning. The carrier had come to rest in the middle of a copse of trees, upside down and turned 180 degrees the other way. I jumped back into the cab of my truck and got on the radio. We were having comms troubles all week, and my bowels felt uncomfortably loose when I imagined not being able to get a hold of anyone.

“Zero, this is Eight-Four November, NO DUFF, Over!”
*static*
Ben keys the handset again: “Zero this is Eight-Four November, Radio Check, NO DUFF, Over”
*static*
The NO DUFF call-sign tells everyone on the net that something very bad has happened, and it receives priority. My call-sign was 84N, and my worst fears were coming true. I was alone. No one was coming to help. Every sergeant told me to never let this happen. We always used the buddy system so that one person could go and get help. I was alone.

“Any call-sign, any call-sign, this is Eight-Four November. I have a NO DUFF accident at Purple Hill. An APC just rolled off the fucking cliff. HELP!”
*static*

I waited for 5 seconds to see if anyone responded, and then I grabbed an axe and the most pathetic tiny little brown plastic lunchbox sized first aid kit. I started down the cliff. As I approached, I could still hear the engine idling away. The vehicle was on its roof, preventing access to both the driver’s and commander’s hatch. There were three big poplar trees blocking the back hatches. The guys were trapped inside. It was pretty clear that the APC wasn’t going to slide any further down the hill. It was also pretty clear that since the APC had landed on its roof and the commander was hatches up, he was a goner.

I started to chop down the three trees that blocked the back doors. I kept calling out to the guys inside that everything was going to be okay, et cetera, but I was really trying to reassure myself. I chopped down those trees in about a minute, and I had a moment of clarity when I thought ‘Wow, I must really be on an adrenaline rush to cut those trees down that fast…’

I opened up the back hatch, and there was kit everywhere. Rucksacks, sleeping bags, stoves and lanterns, a crate of those little individual milk containers which had gone sour and broken open, lots of ammunition and pyro, and a couple of gasoline jerry cans that had ruptured and spilled over everything. It was black inside. I kept hauling out kit, hoping to see someone alive.

I finally touched a shoulder. It was the gunner, and he was unconscious. Usually with an accident like this, you would stabilize the casualty in place, because there was a very good likelihood that there were spinal cord injuries. I could smell the gasoline, and I could feel the heat. I remembered all of the ammo lying around and made the decision that I needed to get this guy out of there, as fast as possible. I pulled him out and drug him halfway up the bank of the hill, towards my truck. He was like a rag doll. I could feel a pulse and see him breathing. I ran back to the APC.

I came to the commander, who I thought would be dead. It turns out that he hit his seat lever just in time to save his life. His ear was ripped off from the radio headset, and he was pouring blood all over the place. He was moaning, so that meant he was breathing okay. He was hanging upside down by his seatbelt, and I cut it off and was trying to get him out when my buddy Gerrad called my name… “BEN, what the fuck man!? Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine; help me with this guy…”

Gerrad was travelling along the same road, and saw my truck parked along the side of the hill, and got out to investigate. Thank god. He pulled the commander out the back, and I continued to make my way towards the driver. When I found him, he was unconscious and hanging upside down. The driver’s compartment is really tight, and I couldn’t get to him. I was fumbling around in the dark, trying to find the fucking seatbelt, trying to pull this guy out, and then Gerrad was there again. “Come on out, I’ll get him. You tend to the guys up the hill.

When I got out of the APC, there was a crowd of people there waiting for me. Gerrad was also tasked to transport VIP’s, so I climbed up the hill and stood there and watched the 2 guys I pulled out regain consciousness. I fucking lost it. I thought the commander was dead for sure, and here he was, talking and looking right at me.

The Premier of Alberta, the mayors of Edmonton and Calgary, Members of Parliament all looked at me. I was soaked in blood, gasoline and sour milk. I lit a cigarette and sat down on the shoulder of the road.

The driver was fine, it turns out, and he tried to blame ME for the accident. He said that I tried to run him off the road. He was informed that I was the one who saved his life and the convoy of APC’s had all got past me just fine, and I WAS PARKED AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. He realized that shitting on me was only going to make things worse, so he told the truth. He didn’t slow down enough and pulled over too far right.

I didn’t get any medals for it, although I was told I was nominated for one. A letter of commendation was supposed to come from the Base Commander, but never showed up. I just wanted to forget the whole thing.

Sometimes, when I daydream, I will see the look on that guy’s face as he is falling off the cliff, halfway out of an APC.

__________________
3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

Charlatan

Wow. I can just see Ralph Klein standing there looking at you after all this went down.

...and that commander was so lucky. I was sure he was going to be squashed.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Poppinjay

Wow... thank you for writing that one.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

liquidlight

I'm left speechless and quite moved, though I'd say the driver of the other APC owes you a few pints.

__________________
Halfway to hell and picking up speed.

guthmund

A few pints at the very least.

I can imagine that's a bit of a trip the VIPs didn't forget anytime soon.

__________________
No signature. None. Seriously.

Fremen

Good job, Ben.

__________________
Google

Siege

Are you sure that is wise? I mean, with the gasoline and all?

Well done though!

These are the greatest stories

__________________
"Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek"

--Kevin Smith

This part just makes my posts easier to find

Jetée

I wholeheartedly agree.



Appreciate some TFP Greatness!

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Kadath

This is the reason for the Hall of Fame. I never read this back in the day, and it's the best thread I've seen on TFP in 4 years.

__________________
it's quiet in here

ruggerp11

MOAR!!!

__________________
Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it.
--Mark Twain
Do What makes you happy
--Me
BUT!
"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

PhilMcGroin

Thanks for these stories, Ben! I've enjoyed them all.

Cheers,
Phil

Jetée

Damn! I was a bit late to say most thanks Big Ben for your honored service in the armed forces, but I would still like to wish a commerative and memorable Memorial Day to you.

Thank you, and may God Bless.

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Shauk

bump for more stories imo

Ishamael

2.5 ton. Man, I totally forgot about my Deuce-N-A-Half. Transportation Corp FTW!

This guy still around?

__________________

The Jimmy

Leto

It would be good if Ben was still avail for contributions. A great thread.