Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - I Work for the D-N-D, Oy! Oy!

BigBen · 05-16-2005, 01:16 PM

Why Ben is afraid of spiders and mice, and everything nice…

96 I was in the field, and we were digging our bed (read: sleeping in a trench. Uncomfortable) to sleep at night. Before we deployed to the field, a medic gave us the speech, unofficially referred to as the “Fucking glad I ain’t YOU” speech.

“Please be aware that the local fauna is not your friend, and many things will kill you slowly, and some will kill you fast.”

There are many different types of spiders, and I really had no problem with them. I liked the way their webs looked in the morning dew. I was soon introduced to a Brown Recluse spider, whose bite will not kill you, per se, but will instead just take your arm or leg with a blood clot or necrosis. If the necrosis hits your heart or lungs you are a gonner, but don’t worry, people just usually lose an arm.

I really don’t mind mice either! I thought that the way they helped poor Cinderella with her dress was nice, and any good seamstress mouse was okay in my books. I was then introduced to the Hanta-virus carrying Deer Mouse, who can provide hours of enjoyment with flu-like symptoms and seizures causing death.

To take care of the mice, the RSM declared that all snack food was forbidden, and anyone caught storing food in their kit would be severely penalized. The mice still enjoyed a nice warm place to sleep, so therefore people were not allowed to set up tents, and instead were instructed to keep things tight and unpleasant. They didn’t mention this in the brochure… To take care of the spiders, we wore 98% DEET repellent, which would make your lips tingle and peel paint off of surfaces.

I would wake up daily with the fucking spiders crawling on my face, and I had to calmly brush them off to avoid a bite.

I would store my boots upside down to avoid making a nice place to sleep for a filthy Deer Mouse.

After returning to civilization, my girlfriend (now wife) tickled the back of my neck as we were watching a movie. I FUCKING LOST IT. I started screaming and freaking out, and then SHE started screaming and freaking out, and then I started to cry, and then SHE started to cry. What a mess. I didn’t think that I had PTSD from a spider or mouse, but when I reacted that way, I realized that I was waaaay more messed up than originally thought! I went for counselling.

05-16-2005, 01:16 PM	#83 (permalink)
BigBen Comedian Location: Use the search button	Why Ben is afraid of spiders and mice, and everything nice… 96 I was in the field, and we were digging our bed (read: sleeping in a trench. Uncomfortable) to sleep at night. Before we deployed to the field, a medic gave us the speech, unofficially referred to as the “Fucking glad I ain’t YOU” speech. “Please be aware that the local fauna is not your friend, and many things will kill you slowly, and some will kill you fast.” There are many different types of spiders, and I really had no problem with them. I liked the way their webs looked in the morning dew. I was soon introduced to a Brown Recluse spider, whose bite will not kill you, per se, but will instead just take your arm or leg with a blood clot or necrosis. If the necrosis hits your heart or lungs you are a gonner, but don’t worry, people just usually lose an arm. I really don’t mind mice either! I thought that the way they helped poor Cinderella with her dress was nice, and any good seamstress mouse was okay in my books. I was then introduced to the Hanta-virus carrying Deer Mouse, who can provide hours of enjoyment with flu-like symptoms and seizures causing death. To take care of the mice, the RSM declared that all snack food was forbidden, and anyone caught storing food in their kit would be severely penalized. The mice still enjoyed a nice warm place to sleep, so therefore people were not allowed to set up tents, and instead were instructed to keep things tight and unpleasant. They didn’t mention this in the brochure… To take care of the spiders, we wore 98% DEET repellent, which would make your lips tingle and peel paint off of surfaces. I would wake up daily with the fucking spiders crawling on my face, and I had to calmly brush them off to avoid a bite. I would store my boots upside down to avoid making a nice place to sleep for a filthy Deer Mouse. After returning to civilization, my girlfriend (now wife) tickled the back of my neck as we were watching a movie. I FUCKING LOST IT. I started screaming and freaking out, and then SHE started screaming and freaking out, and then I started to cry, and then SHE started to cry. What a mess. I didn’t think that I had PTSD from a spider or mouse, but when I reacted that way, I realized that I was waaaay more messed up than originally thought! I went for counselling. __________________ 3.141592654 Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.