Starlight4

So I was watching the movie Garden State and the characters were talking about how they lost their sense of "home". They basically said that they grew out of the home they grew up in and wouldn't have a home again until they made a family of their own.

Have any of you guys ever reached an age/time where you felt like the home you grew up in was no longer your home and where you were at that time definitely isn't your home either?

Nisses

Home is where I put down my beer.

If you need to have a place where you can feel sheltered, then I'm sure you can miss the fact that at some point or other, you're on your own, and you only answer to yourself. So yes, I think they'll only get that back once they have their own family.
Me, I've never really been that tied to home, never got homesick on summer camps when I was little, trips were always over too soon, ... Not that I was unhappy at home, but I don't miss it all that much either.

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mazagmot

I'm there right now. Osan AB, Korea is no home of mine, and I've been out of my parents place long enough that it's no longer home, either.

maleficent

My parents sold the house I grew up in long ago... That was never really home though,. They moved every few years, so I never really felt settled in at any one place. Where I live right now is just a place to do laundry and unpack and repack my suitcase. So I guess you could say I am homeless.

Home was when I was with my best friend. It was a place that was comfortable and safe, and just a nice place to be. Yup, I'm homeless.

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Starlight4

Maleficent, where's your best friend now?

raeanna74

I lived in the same house with my parents from 1983 until 1994 and prior to that I only remember one previous house. The time spent there makes it feel so familiar. As dysfunctional as my family became once I left for college I still enjoyed being at home until then. After my brother moved out it calmed down again and feels like home again. For that time when it was dysfunctional all I could think of was escape and it didn't feel like home. My dorm felt more like home to me then. Thinking back on it I've never really felt much out of place or not at home except the year we lived in LaCrosse and I was teaching. I had a very controlling mother, of one of my students, who called me at home all the time and had the principal wrapped around her finger. There was so much stress in my life from my teaching job then and I was pregnant so that I never could get settled. In fact I never completely unpacked even. When we moved away I had probably 25 boxes of stuff still unpacked.

Home for me I guess is where I feel safe and unassailed by outside stresses.

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Halx

I recently moved from my 'home' to New York. It's been tough for me, adjusting to a place I hardly know with only a few people who I can turn to. It's sorta depressing at times to realize that I'm now out there on my own with no safety net. Sometimes, it's motivation... but that gets erased with the weather. No more perpetually sunny Southern California.

There is no backup plan.. you just gotta make it up as you go along.

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avernus

I moved country when I was nine, before that we moved house two or three times. My father had decided that he would probably go bust with the looming recession in the late 1980s so we moved to Portugal. From there we moved from rented house to rented house until we finally bought some land and built a home. I only lived there for two-three years until we all moved back to the UK for my and my brothers education. Since then I have moved every year with the exception of the last year and a half. Thats fifteen different houses!

I sort of envy my friends who have lived in the same house all their lives. The biggest difference was growing up in a micro-society of expates in the Algarve, the memes from youth society in the UK and the US and even in Portugal just didn't get through to me. When I came back to the UK, the place I thought was home, I felt totally foreign and I still do to some extent. And you know what? I feel better because of it. I don't feel tied down to a place or even a country.

pig

"Home is where the heart is they tell me..."

I'm now living, more or less, in the town I grew up in...it's very homey in the sense that I know all the restaurants and I can drive around town blindfolded. I love to travel, but my "home" is pretty much anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line. Family + mountains + beach + bluegrass.

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Squishor

I probably lived in more than 20 places between birth and age eight. Then I moved to Japan, an interesting but deeply dislocating experience. Although there had never been any one house I could think of as home, I wanted to come home to my country...but when I moved back at age 13, I found the "home" I had looked forward to returning to was gone because the culture had changed dramatically. Since moving out of my mother's house at 17, I've lived in another 30 places or so. My mother actually moved more frequently than I did, so her house was never even remotely close to "home" for me. There has never been any one residence I thought of as home; home is where I'm living right now.

So I don't feel like I've lost my sense of home because I've never really had one. If anything, I guess the town I live in (and this state overall) is home to me and that actually counts for a lot.

I live in a college town and I'm always really confused when I hear people talk about "going home for the holidays." It just doesn't compute for me - where is it that you go at the end of the day then if not home? I honestly can't begin to imagine what it must be like to have some place other than where you live, that you can go to and feels like home.

Chamaeleontidae

I left my “home” when I left for college. A long story, but ties were severed, seemingly permanently. I bounced around for a while, had many places to live, but ne’er a home. I am now “home” again. It has taken a number of years for this house to become a “home”, but with a marriage, a dog, and then a couple of kids, this is now “home”.

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Grasshopper Green

I no longer consider the place I grew up "home". My parents split and then moved away not long after I went to college and for awhile I felt like I was in that drifting state of not having a home, but that has since changed. I now have a husband, child, and no longer view my parent's house my home. I really have no desire to visit the town I grew up in, actually.

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joemc91

I travel so much now that home is whereever my next change of clothes is. The word "home" has almost lost all meaning in that I use it when I'm on vacation or just spending the night in another city when refering to where I'm staying. The only thing that keeps school from really being home is that I have never felt right living in the middle of corn fields since I'm a city person. Of course, the place I grew up in MA will always be "home" to me.

abaya

Oh man, that whole theme in Garden State had me in tears when I watched it the first time. This is mostly because not long before seeing it, my mother glibly announced to me that she had sold (past tense) the only house I'd ever known, without asking me or anyone else beforehand. This was the house that I'd lived in since the age of 5 or so, up until I left for college (and despite its massive dysfunctionality, was still "home" to me even when I lived in other places, as Raeanna said), and which I still think of as home now that I am 25 and living across the country. It's the only place I've ever celebrated Christmas, basically... and to me, that's home.

I think I could've handled her just selling it, as I know that she was looking to move on from her past, but the kicker was that she sold it to a developer who will destroy the house (which my dad built himself over a period of many years), raze my beloved trees (2 acres of yard and forest), and build 100 or so cookie-cutter suburban houses. God that one just really did me in... I am so tied to the land, the house, the physicality of the home of my memories, even if that place no longer exists. I don't know if I'll ever get over losing that place until I have my own family and place to start putting down roots.

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muttonglutton

Home is... home is something I'm not terribly familiar with.

I live on my own now, and I don't really consider this home. I consider it... a place where I keep all my junk, and a place I can sleep or do almost anything I want.

But to be 'home', it has to be something more. When you walk in the door, you have to feel that you there, in the living room with the ratty couch and creaking chair, or in the kitchen with the dirty dishes in the sink. That the house is somehow less a home when you are not in it, or when the other people you share it with are missing. The other people that, along with you, make it a home.

Ah, I'm sure I'm rambling. But that's how I feel. And I don't believe I have it now, or that I have for a long time. And I don't think I can truly have a home until I have a famaily and a life that I have built from scratch.

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Ace_O_Spades

When I moved away to University, my parents got divorced and sold the only home that I would have called "home"

Now I live on my own, about to move "home" again for the first time (I spent last summer on my own) and I'm wondering this fact.

I'm going to make my home outdoors, spend time camping and having fun... Nature is everybody's home.

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FloydianOne

Ive lived in the same house for 21 years.... last year I moved away to college and earlier this year my parents decided to move to a different state and they sold our house. Its a very weird feeling... I honestly feel like I dont have a home. My dorm room certainly isnt home, because well its a little piece of shit trashy room that on average I dont have fun in or feel nice and comfy etc. etc. And my parent's new place isnt home because well Ive spent a total of about a week in it. I still dont think the fact that I will never go back to my "home" has sunk in yet. However there have been some nights where I felt pretty sad about the whole situation. I suppose its time to grow up.... but I dont want to

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amonkie

I learned when I moved out of my house where I'd lived for 10 years and into the dorms as an RA, "home" was a place where I felt the presence of me. After two years out, I ended up moving back home. Sadly, the house I'd known for ten years doesn't feel like home anymore after having my own space to live in. I don't think I'll really feel another "home" until I'm in my own, at least semi permanent place.

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Squishor

I once read that the sociologists classify the US as a nomadic culture because of how often we move. "Home" is a frame of mind, as far as I'm concerned. Partly because of the circumstances described above, I've longed for some sort of sense of permanence that has been unattainable for me, so I've had to make what home I could wherever I was. There are few things I want more than to own a home, yet in my quest for "home" I have stayed for years in a town where ordinary people can't afford to buy a home.

snowy

Home is my best friend's house. I suppose that's why when I go there and I smell the house (he has a distinct smell and so does his house) I feel immediately safe, welcome and comfortable.

My parents moved out of my "home" when I was 20. While I enjoy their new house, it's not my home. I don't go "home" when I go there. I go to visit my family.

Home is where my heart is--and my heart is with my friends these days. Invariably, they can be found traipsing in and out of my best friend's house.

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Sue

I moved away from my folks in 1998 to New England, had my own place there, and that felt like home. Now I've moved back in with mom as of last August and while this is "her" home, I feel "at" home, if that makes any sense. It doesn't feel like it's 'my' home, that won't happen until I move out again (permanently this time) and have my own place.

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jhkayakr

"Back Home" is where your oldest childhood memories are. Home is where you are now. A place you can kick your feet up, relax and shut yourself in.

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Astrocloud

I lost my sense of home 21 years ago when I was 14 and my mother died. I had to move in with "guardians" and basically shifted around since then.

I have no home.

alicat

I have never really known a "home". Between kindergarten and 9th. grade, I went to 9 different schools (although the total amount of moves was 7). I have since moved 8 more times and am in the process of moving yet again for a grand total of 16 times in my 33 yrs.

The home I've known the longest is the house my Dad owns. We relocated form the other side of the state (Michigan, Detroit suburbs, to the west coast) in '94 and lived in that house for 6 yrs. before getting on our feet and renting our own home. My Dad is still there and therefore, the house has been lived in by our family for 11 yrs., practically an eternity given our flitting about while I was growing up.

My hubby grew up in 2 houses. Just 2, which is almost like T.V. land to me. We couldn't have had more different experiences being raised. I have always dreamed about what it must be like for people who were raised in the same house, neighborhood, school system....with pretty much the same neighbor's, built-in friendships and expectations that come with being in the same place for a long amount of time.

I am truly hoping the rental house we are moving into will be our last and that our next move will be into our first bought home. We have been together for 16 yrs. and had planned on buying "right now" and extending our month to month if need be until we closed. The owners of our house decided to put it on the market and we now have to move, yet again, into a rental home, with-in a month. Regardless of how accepable or appropriate the house we buy will be, I know without a doubt that we will stay there for quite along time, simply because we are so tired of moving all the time.

My somewhat "home" is my Dad's house and my own real "home" will be the one we finally buy in a year. Everything else is just transitional and therefore not a "home" but a place we live. Given what people in third world countries call "home", I am very grateful for what we have and really shouldn't be complaining.

Ali

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Squishor

I hope you know how lucky you are.

My earliest childhood memories are from when my parents lived in Michigan while my dad went to medical school. Nothing else in my life has anything to do with Michigan at all.

TexanAvenger

Nowhere's really felt like home since I moved from Texas... partially because of the atmosphere of the place, but more so because I put roots down in people, not places. Home can just as easily be a rooftop in Raleigh as an art museum in San Antonio, as long as I have somebody I care about there.

Yeah... I'm a sap with no place to call home. Even the place I live isn't home... It's more like a placeholder until I find somewhere that puts its roots down in me.

Zeraph

Yeah, the home feeling left at around age 8 which may be early for the norm as my parents got divorced and we moved several times (though my dad still has the original house it no longer feels like "home".) So I think it mostly has to do with naivety (moreso in the meaning of lack of experience and untouched by suffering.)

Cynthetiq

Yes. I haven't had a home in many many years. I lived with friends, family, and rented apartments...

I felt the same way about family. One of the reasons I stopped celebrating Christmas was because it wasn't MY family it was my father's family.

One day when I came home from a trip to LA (my childhood home) I was very relieved to see the NY skyline... it was then that I knew NY was now my home.

And now that I own a piece of Manhattan... I have a home again.

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alicat

Cynthetiq: I'm truly sorry. My first instinct was to say that your fathers family is your family. Then I instantly thought of my mother and her side of my (genetic) family. They played a huge part in my life growing up, for all intents and purposes, the main part. My parents divorced when I was 17, mostly due to my mother. Because my father was the more stable parent (I was nearing legal age but my little sister was still only coming up on 13), he obtained custody. My initial response to your post was as an adult of (nearly) 34 yrs. of age. I don't know your age when you experienced what you did, but I assume you were youngish which can definately hurt all the more.

My mother is a master manipulator and (simplisticly) convinced her side of the family that my dad was evil and to blame for the end of their marriage. My sister and I were there everyday and experienced the real truth that they wouldn't accept (meaning my mother was 90% of the problem). My point is that our knee-jerk responses are just that, we don't know the reality behind anyone's statements unless we were physically there and experienced it.

Cynthetiq: This has all been directed towards you, but I thought I should state it again. Whatever your religious beliefs, I hope that you havn't been spoiled on Christmas for good. I myself do not hold any specific religious thoughts, but I do love Christmas-time because it seems to be the one time of the year that most American's lose the attitude and become cordial (and of corse, there are the lights!).

Peace,

Ali

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"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

high_way

i have grown out of my town over the last 6 months or so. i went through some changes in mylife which sorta threw everything to the shit and now dont feel settled. i cant get settled anymore and i dont know where i feel comfortable. i reach my right feeling when im with my friends, but not with my family. someone said home is where the heart is but for me my heart isnt anywhere so at the moment home isnt anywhere.

i think for me to change being uncomfortable and having no where i have to move... which is the plan. as for my family home, that has never felt like home to me. i dont feel comfortable around my immediate family and cannot talk to them and dont trust them... pretty much its just a roof over my head.

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Cynthetiq

alicat, thanks for the consideration it actually is not as complex as that.

When I moved from LA to NYC in the early 90s, I was always asked to join other people for Christmas. Many family members, aunts/uncles, et. al. all would fawn over me during the Christmas time since I lived alone they didn't want me to be by myself for Christmas. It was entertaining the first few Christmas's but as a single man in my early 20s I had thought I would have been married and have a child by then, my own family where I was the patriarch.

Personally, I really enjoy NOT celebrating Christmas in the family encompassing manner. I don't stress about shopping for presents, mailing cards, attending parties etc.

After I got married in 2002, my now wife was surprised when I suggested we buy a Christmas tree. I explained to her my reasons which she was surprised to learn as the years we dated we never did anything Christmas related. She was a bit dissappointed because she did enjoy the lack of stresss, but I promised her that if it ever gets crazy or stressful then we don't do it anymore. Now we decorate a tree and exchange presents with each other and immediate family members. In the next year or two, we'll start to include some of the children of friends.

All in all, we aren't gifters. We prefer to give gifts when we see something that inspires us or reminds us of someone...

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alicat

Cynthetiq: Sorry if I read too much into your post. Now I understand where you're coming from and agree quite alot with what you said. I too (and probably the majority of people) could do without the stress that has become all too prescent during Christmas. I still very much love the whole "X-masy" feel of the season but hate the feeling of having to find presents for everyone on your "list".

My parents have been divorced for many years. My Dad is here on the west coast of Michigan with us but my Mom and In-laws are on the other side of the state. Every year brings the "who did we spend last X-mas with?" conversation out again. And therefore the guilt over which family members we aren't going to spend the holiday with this year.

Even though practically no one sees it, I love to decorate, and our house always looks like someone pucked Christmas all over it. Still, Hubby and I would most years than not be perfectly content to spend that time of year holed up in our festive home without dealing with the "stress" of our families and traveling.

Hope I'm not too off topic here, it's kinda to do with "home". A curious thing: For the first 8 yrs. or so of our 16 yrs. together, I was religious about sending out X-mas cards. Then life got in the way and I was either way late or didn't get around to it (not for silly reasons either, it was deaths (of family members or pets) or moves (too many to count) or other serious reasons (illnesses)). The amount of cards we receive at X-mas has dwindled in relation to the amount of years we haven't been able to send them consistantly (meaning we've sent them in a few yrs. where things were relativly calm). Do people wait to see who they get cards from and then only send them back to those people? It seems like another rather stingy, rude and (possibly) commercial based thing for people to ration out who they send cards to based on who they receive them from. We no longer need the card holder we have because we are down to getting about 6 cards a year, which leaves out a whole lot of our immediate family. Strange.

Ali

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'Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun, The frumious Bandersnatch!'--Jabberwocky, Lewis Carroll

"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

minyn

my first two years at college, my dorm was not home, and neither was my home in my hometown. i had been so alienated by my family that i had no where to call home. it was rough. i called people's beds home (not sexually, just for security and finding peace in a pair of warm arms) and it was rough.

now, i have my own apartment with a great pair of roomies, and this is my home. my next apt with my closest friend (and roomie) will be home also. its where i can rest, dance half naked, and not fear scrutiny.

i lost my home really around my freshmen year of high school. my step mom and i dont get along well with her so it came down to coming home after school and hiding in my room all night. it sucked,but my freshmen year i couldnt do that so i felt incredibly lost and it was rough. even going home for holidays it usually took no more than an hour to piss her off and i spent the rest of the nights hiding. im through with that.

i have somewhere that is mine now.

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balefire88

I moved around so much during my childhood that I can't pinpoint to any particular house as my home. As long as my family is in a house, that is my home. Though I suppose once I graduate and get a place of my own, that would become my new home.

sillygirl

I spent the first seventeen years *minus about 9 months* in one home, then my family moved. In the move, I ended up losing contact with some of my best friends. I got married, but the place with him wasn't home... I was more stressed when I walked in the door than I was on my way to a shitty job. Spent a month in a dorm while the girl who lived there was in Germany, then in with parents for a couple weeks, got in a fight with my dad over my divorce (It was all my fault that the marriage ended... says he) so I moved in with friends... still not home. I FINALLY have a home, even though it's not MINE (We rent) with my honey, the love of my life, where FINALLY I relax the instant I'm in the door, no matter what's going on. I love my home

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meembo

I moved around so many times by the time I got to highschool, and then I went to a boarding school. My sense of my parents' home is seeing the same lamp, the same Christmas ornaments, the same stuff around the house that was always there.

To answer the question more directly -- I never felt any strong pull to any particular place called home. I think it's because my parents moved so much. Houses and friends and acquaintances all were a blur some years. I feel a little cheated sometimes, but I can't say I really know the difference. My ex lived in the same house with her parents for 24 years. I have no idea what that's like.

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ironmaiden7o7

25 years into my life and I still haven't found a home. Where I'm staying right now is pretty comfortable, I like it very much. But, I picture a home to be peaceful, blissful and all of the things I would want a home to be. The house that I grew up in wasn't a home per se, it was more of a house, lots of negativity and I wouldn't want a home unless I know it is going to be perfect, a place where I will be completely at ease. I did see Garden State, I liked it very much, very nice movie.