Daval

edit - i had to remove the pic of the little guy...sorry...

I look around at young people these days, and I honestly fear for the future of my country. People are becoming less and less resilient and more and more clueless on how to survive in the real world. We live in a society of namby pamby men and women who whine when they don’t get what they want and think they are entitled to all the comforts the world has to offer. What do I blame it on? Bad parenting.

Baby Boomer parents developed a parenting philosophy that was soft on discipline and heavy on spoiling their children. Because many Boomer couples were both working, they wanted to make sure their children liked them to make up for the lack of time they were spending with their children. Generation X parents are even worse about coddling their kids. To many many Gen X parents, children are just an accessory you get to dress up with ironic t-shirts and fauxhawks.

In an effort to stop the wussification of yet another generation of children, here are six ways young fathers can raise strong, resilient, and independent children.

1. Give them some independence

Several weeks ago there was a large brouhaha over a NY journalist having allowed her 9 year old son to ride the subway home all by himself. Some people chastised the mother for putting her son in danger, while others wrote in to applaud her decision and to share their own stories of taking solo adventures as a child. I, of course, side with the latter. Kids can’t venture a half a mile from their homes these days without parents worrying for their safety. I live in a quiet suburban neighborhood adjacent to a middle school. Every day, SUVs line up down the street to pick up their kids because heaven forbid they would walk the mile home by themselves. They could be snatched!

This culture of obsessive over-protectiveness is bred by the media. As the 24 hour news networks and Satan’s minion, Nancy Grace, regurgitate stories of abduction over and over and over again, it begins to seem like the world outside your suburban castle is a very dangerous place indeed. Yet the reality is very different from how the media spins it. According to Newsweek:

Nationwide, stranger abductions are extremely rare; there’s a one-in-a-million chance a child will be taken by a stranger, according to the Justice Department. And 90 percent of sexual abuse cases are committed by someone the child knows. Mortality rates from all causes, including disease and accidents, for American children are lower now than they were 25 years ago. According to Child Trends, a nonprofit, nonpartisan research group, between 1980 and 2003 death rates dropped by 44 percent for children ages five to 14 and 32 percent for teens aged 15 to 19.

Don’t coddle your kids by keeping them under lock and key and only letting them out if you can keep a constant eye on them. You’re squelching their development and sense of independence. Teach your kids how to stay out of trouble and away from strangers, and then turn them loose to ride their bikes, roam the neighborhoods, run errands, and walk to school by themselves.

2. Let them do unsafe things

“Helicopter parents” not only worry about their child being abducted, they wring their hands over letting their children do anything mildly unsafe. Everything today is childproof and fun proof. Have you been to a playground lately? Did you notice what was missing? Teeter-totters, merry-go-rounds, and sometimes even swings are going extinct, replaced by plastic coated, low to the ground, snooze inducing apparatuses. Some playgrounds even have signs that say “no running.” I kid you not. While these changes are often pushed by city managers worried about liability, parents are equally at fault in trying to clear any dangers from the path of their children. They fail to understand that while sticking kids in a protective bubble may keep them in safe in the short-term, it leaves them more vulnerable in the long run. Some lessons in safety must be learned from trial and error. If children don’t learn to deal with dangerous tools and situations growing up, when they finally leave the nest, they will be lacking in the skills necessary to negotiate the real world.

For more on this check out Gever Tulley’s lecture on “5 Dangerous Things You Should Let Your Kid Do:”

3. Don’t be their best friend

I recently read an interview with Billy Ray Cyrus in which he was asked how he keeps his daughter Miley from turning into another Hollywood train wreck (this was before the topless pictures in Vanity Fair episode). He responded by saying, “I always try to be her best friend.” While many parents applaud such a philosophy, it is fundamentally the wrong way to raise a child. Parents want to believe they can be their child’s best friend because they enjoy such a healthy, close relationship. The reality is that parents want to be their child’s best friend because they’re afraid of their kid not liking them. But parenting is not a popularity contest. Being a true parent means that sometimes you have to lay down the rules, and oftentimes your kid is not going to like it. While “tough love” may be painful for both child and parent in the short term, it greatly benefits both in the long term. Kids don’t need a best friend, they need an authority figure. Deep down, they do want someone to lay down the rules and give them some structure. They want guidance. Best friends are equals, parents and children are not. If you insist on being your kid’s best friend, a situation will inevitably arise where you do finally try to reign them in and make them respect you. But it will be too late; they’ll feel free to toss your advice aside like they would for any friend.

4. Don’t automatically take their side

My mom works at an elementary school. One day, one of the students was causing all manner of trouble: disrespecting the teachers, throwing tantrums, and antagonizing the other children. It got to the point where the girl’s parents actually had to be called to come take the child home. When the mom arrived, she gave the teachers the stink eye, turned to her kid and said, “Awww, you’ve been having a tough day, haven’t you Sweetie? Let’s go buy you a toy.”

While it’s natural to think the best of your children, don’t be overly defensive when others criticize them. Teachers and friends typically do not have ulterior motives when sharing a story of your child’s misbehavior. As outside observers, they may have valuable insight into something about your kid that you have overlooked and need to address. Your child needs to earn your trust, just as anyone else does. Don’t give it to them automatically.

5. Make them work for what they get

lumbarkid Quit Coddling Your Kids

Many young people today are swimming in debt up to their ears. They feel entitled to the things it took their parents 30 years to acquire. Such a problem exists because many young people have never had to earn the things they’ve enjoyed. They expect the good things in life to naturally flow into their lives.

If children are not given responsibilities and work as a young age, it’s harder to instill the ethic when they’re older. You’re doing your child a great disservice if you buy every stinking thing they want. Sure, it’s easier to just buy them the $10.00 toy just to shut their tantrum up. But all you’re doing is conditioning them to the idea that if you whine enough, you’ll get what you want.

By encouraging your children to work for what they get, you’ll be teaching them valuable skills that they will carry with them the rest of their life. Not only will they develop an appreciation for work, they’ll learn valuable money management skills, responsibility, and initiative.

During the early 1900’s kids were working 60 hours a week in factories and coal mines. While it was a deplorable situation, it shows that kids are capable of taking on far greater tasks than parents today are willing to give them. They may no longer have to break slate, but they can at least clean the bathroom and mow the lawn.

6. Don’t praise them indiscriminately

“If everyone is special, then no one is” -The Incredibles

One year, I volunteered at an after-school program at an elementary school. At the end of the summer we had an awards ceremony for the kids. The very PC director (no Pilgrim or Indian crafts on Thanksgiving!) insisted that every kid, whether they deserved one or not, had to receive an award, lest anyone should feel left out. So we were forced to think of awards even for the kids who had consistently misbehaved and caused trouble. Upon such students we ended up bestowing the “High Energy Award.” What a crock.

What’s the point of an award if everyone gets one? What’s the point in striving to be your best, if everyone is equally rewarded? Praise then loses all of its meaning, even for those who really deserve it.Every parent believes their kid is special; that’s natural. But if you heap enormous and unwarranted praise on your kids, it’s going to end up debilitating them. Praising your child indiscriminately sends the message that praise is not earned, it is something one is naturally entitled too. It will end up dissolving their competitive drive. These children grow up believing they can do anything and everything well. Thus, they become restless at every job, quit, go to culinary school, then getting a masters in philosophy, and then think they’d like to try to enter the space program.

The reality is that there are certain things we are good at, and certain things we are not. If you praise your kids for everything, they’ll have a harder time honing in on their true talents and abilities. Instead of praising them indiscriminately, center your praise on specific achievements. For example, say, “You did a great job on your math test.” Not, “You are so smart and wonderful!”


Source



I came across this article today while browsing a thread on another forum. I just had to share it.

I am a father of 3. Girl 10, Boy 6, Girl 2. Although I'm not quite ready to have my eldest ride the subway on her own yet, I see nothing wrong with her wanting to ride her bike near the home.

We have friends and neighbors where the kids are not allowed to play without constant supervision. And I mean like total 100%. If the parent has to run inside to grab something, then the kids have to wait in the garage or come inside as well. These kids are aged 7 - 12

I wouldn't ever leave my 2 year old sitting outside alone where she could wander into traffic, but you need to give kids a chance to live, grow and make their own mistakes.

When I was their age I would go outside after breakfast. Come home for lunch, back outside and not come back in untill the streetlights came on. That was the rules. If we were much farther than 'shouting distance' from home then we would pop our heads in the door and tell my mom that we were going for a bike ride or down to the lake or whatever. The parents trusted us because they had taught us right from wrong. Attempted to teach us what is appropriate and what is not. Nowadays kids don't seem to be able to make their own decisions and I do truly worry about the future generations.

__________________
"It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it."
Winston Churchill

MSD

I remember my mom freaking out when I was 10 and went outside to ride my bike before she was awake. I'm 25 now and she's still afraid of me walking to the train station from work after dark. She lectures me every time she can about what I'm doing wrong at work, what to say, what to do, what excuses to give when I'm late, and at home (I can afford to move out, but she'd have to sell the house,) I get such useful tips as how to put my socks on properly, how to cook eggs properly, to remember to wash my hands after handling raw meat, and the list goes on. I think she's forgotten that I'm 25 and not 12. This drives me crazy, but I just shrug it off because I know she's hanging onto the last bit of time she has to parent me before I move out.

Cynosure

Easy for the dad of the Incredibles family to say. His kids were truly, powerfully special.

Cheater

Bravo, Daval, I think you hit on everything! As for #2, you mention the liability issue: if the legal system would not address some of the trivial lawsuits, perhaps we could bring back the "fun" toys we used to play with. We also need to change the attitude of many that think there is always someone else to blame when accidents happen.

Poppinjay

I wish my boomer parents had gotten the memo to be soft on me. It would have saved me some pain.

The NY journalist was an idiot. I won't let my son ride Metro when he turns 9 and Metro is a freaking limosine compared to NYC Transit.

He'll be encouraged to play hard, but riding the subway? Not without me.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Willravel

I think it's funny how entitled people have to be to tell other people how to parent. I've seen backseat parenting before, I've been a victim of it. In response to giving a shwoozle (a raspberry on a baby's stomach) at a Safeway, I had a woman tell me I had no business teaching the sweet baby that was acceptable public behavior. I had a sudden urge to beat this meddling twit with a Swanson's frozen dinner. I wasn't going to raise a conservative prude, and this woman had no right to criticize my parenting.

If you want to raise a kid, make one or adopt one. Unless a parent is actually hurting their child, breaking the law, you're overstepping your bounds by offering unsolicited advice or meddling.

CandleInTheDark

Will, you may be correct on a interpersonal level, that to tell a friend, family member, co-worker, or stranger how to parent would be innappropriate busy-bodyness. An open letter to society to generate conversation among citizens is hardly sticking your nose in other people's business.

The effects of parenting are as much of a concern as any other factor of social behaviour and condition. Advertising, peer pressure, etc. are factors of the social behaviour of youth often lamented and discussed -- not only here on TFP -- but in magazines, and newspapers, and the kitchen table. The general attitude of society toward parenting is an issue that should be discussed, and is discussed.

Given rising concerns over the Man-boy generation that has grown, it is justifiable to examine the parenting practices of todays, yesterdays, and yesteryears parents in order to ensure that successive generations will contribute to society rather than consume it.

__________________
Where there is doubt there is freedom.

Willravel

For the 4 or so years I was a parent, I was bombarded with this crap not just from people but from society in general. It got really old really fast. Not everyone is going to know what they're doing 100% of the time, but parenting is something you have to develop, and a lot of that development depends on your rugrat. Some kids require that you be their best friend or protect them from unsafe things. And most kids have quirks, things that no book, magazine, or even other more experienced parent could possibly speak to with any authority.

Poppinjay

Will, you lackluster parent. A shwoozle is only correct when *I* give it. I saw you, at Safeway you badman!

It's amazing the amount of advice we've gotten since the B boy has been born. I bet it would be even more if we weren't a hundred years old. Oops. My leg fell off. BBS!

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Strange Famous

Doesnt every generation say stuff like this about the youth of their day?

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

snowy

My Boomer parents weren't soft on me either. Certainly, they've helped me out when I needed it, but they always encouraged me to try new and difficult things, and allowed me to do a lot of things other parents probably wouldn't have allowed. For instance, they let me go to an all-night rave my senior year of high school. Their thinking was that I turned 18 in two months, and after that point, I would be able to go to a rave with or without their permission; they wanted me to have a safety net in case I needed it, and they wanted their guidance to be available to me if I felt I needed it. But they also knew that they had done a good job of raising me and that I would make good decisions (I did).

My parents did what good parents do--they defined the boundaries between parent/child well when I was young, and only lessened that boundary as I matured, and they felt able to be more my friend than parent. I now consider my parents some of my best friends. They were not permissive parents in that they allowed me to do whatever I wanted, but if I asked permission respectfully, I was generally allowed to do what I wanted. There were exceptions--I remember missing 1 dance in high school because I was grounded, so I did get in trouble once in a while.

We were allowed to roam freely within our neighborhood growing up, provided we told Mom or Dad when we would be home, or responded when they yelled for us. During this time, it was not uncommon for me to be busy building forts with the neighbor boy and using his machete to cut down small trees.

Suffice it to say--my parents are not the overprotective, coddling sort.

I did meet a kid recently who said his parents only allowed him to use a butter knife--he's 9 years old. That's a little extreme to me. Personally, I think kids are better off knowing how to handle a knife, especially in the kitchen; they are one of the sharpest objects in the household, and they ought to know how to use a knife safely. I was allowed to cut up food using our tiny paring knife when I was 5-6 years old; sure, I cut myself, but I certainly wasn't grievously hurt, and I learned not to cut towards myself again.

I also know a lot of parents in this community who won't let their children walk home from school by themselves, despite the fact they are 9-10 years old and perfectly capable. We also live in a really safe community, and as long as you educate children as to the dangers they may face when out and about and how to seek help should they need it, it's really not a big deal. It's also good exercise for them. One thing I don't see around town that I would like to are "safe house" signs for kids--I guess they have gone out with cell phones, but when I was growing up, people could sign up to be a "safe house" for kids walking home from school, so in case a kid had an accident there was a first aid kit and a telephone close by. I don't see people looking out for one another any more--we're all too suspicious. We need to remember that it does take a village to raise a child.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Manic_Skafe

It's too easy to post in agreement to threads like this when the Octomom is national news but I have yet to see the effects of this supposed bad parenting epidemic. It's popular and it's convenient but for the most part, all of this is unfounded.

Will and Popinjay, I've heard of raspberries and zerberts but I've never ever heard it called a shwoozle. Wtf.

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"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

Willravel

Maybe it's a German thing. So that'd make it schwoozle.

Shaindra

What the author ignores is that deaths are down in kids *because* of some of this over-protective parenting. Things like carseats, helmets and eliminating dangerous toys. (Lawn darts anyone?)

That said, I do let my kids (5 and 7) play outside alone. I do send her into the store by herself to return videos. I do let them go to the bathroom alone. She is allowed to cut things in the kitchen with my supervision. I'm not sure if I'd feel comfortable letting her ride the subway, but talk to me in a few years.

__________________
"Never regret something that once made you smile."

The_Jazz

I have to disagree with both your comment and the sentiment behind it. People love to talk about "trivial" or "nuisance" lawsuits. It's true that there are a very small number of these in the court systems. As someone who deals with product liability all day, every day and specifically from liability arising out of toys and children's products, my experience is that these sorts of suits don't really hit that industry.

I have seen go-cart manufacturers (at least 3) who had lots of claims in the 3 or 4 days after Christmas. Some of them would be wrecks, as expected, but there were a large number of them in the Eighties where little girls, especially in the South, would get their long hair caught in a chain drive (or other moving part) because a $0.50 guard wasn't put in place by the manufacturer. Scalping claims are very expensive. I saw 10+ of them.

I expect that my kids will fall down and get hurt. I even expect that there will be times where it will be my fault that they're hurt. But I don't expect that I'll be the one going back to the toystore with a red Thomas the Tank Engine wooden toy to return it because it had lead-based paint. And knowing that my son had it in his mouth - a lot. And knowing having read study results on what happens to kids exposed to miniscule amounts of lead.

I've seen water toys for use in lakes, etc. that are death traps for anyone who uses them, regardless of age.

Childhood is full of bumps and bruises. Given the "kids are assholes" thread I started, I don't think they should be coddled. But at the same time, a lot of the "fun" toys are actually very dangerous. Lawn darts were a fantastically bad idea, for instace. Don't blame the court system for the fact that the marketplace imagined by the conservative isn't a perfect place and that humans design some incredibly flawed products and make some incredibly stupid cost-saving decisions.

As for the rest, kids need to learn about the real world. They need to fall down and figure out how to pick themselves up again.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Daval

I had very much the same sort of relationship with my parents growing up.

Funny you mentioning the knives, I spend a lot of time cooking with my kids. My 10 year old daughter is now quite proficient and safe in the kitchen. She'll make herself an omlette for breakfast - using a small knife to cut up her own veggies and using the gas stove safely. She always tells us before she is going to do it.

I just started recruiting my 6 year old son within the last year to start cutting up stuff with a small sharp knife. He'll cut up peppers and celery.

__________________
"It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it."
Winston Churchill

Poppinjay

My German grandmother always called it a shwoozle, so that's probably it.

And lawn darts are "Jarts". My parents got a set for me to poke my out. Despite that, and the .22 at age 13, I still have my eyes.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Charlatan

This is very true.

That said, I think we have less of an issue with kids being rude (such as when the whole teen phenomena was born in the post WW2 era) than we do with parents being over-protective.

I think the boomer parents that we are talking about were some of the first kids to experience a ready made (and promoted) youth culture. I wonder if this has some direct correlation to their own fears of safety for their children.


As I have said elsewhere, I have been a big advocate for independence for my kids. My son started to walk home from school by himself at grade five. He would also take the subway and street car by himself to come and meet me downtown. Four years later he is living in a foreign city and navigating it by himself.

My daughter (now 6) has permission to go outside to our local playground (just outside out condo's window) by herself. She just needs to give us a heads up that she is going out. She also roams about with her posse of like-minded little girls. She know where she is allowed to go and where she isn't (i.e. the pool). There are consequences if she breaks the rules (we are not parents to make conditions and not follow through).

Parenting isn't difficult. It's inconvenient at times but never really all that difficult. I find that many parents go out of their way to make it difficult.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

little drummer

You pretty much hit the nail on the head. I work in education and there's one thing that's worse than a parent who takes no interest in their child's development and that's the parent who blames everyone else for their child's short-comings (that's if their prepared to admit that their kid HAS any).

MSD

I'm certain that they do. What I wonder is whether previous generations recognized problems like helicopter parenting when they were the same age as the people they were criticizing. I'm 25, my mom i still determined to maintain a holding pattern 6 inches behind me at all times, and I recognize the problems overparenting causes (why the fuck would you admit that your parents wrote your college admission essay, nevermind brag about it?)
I love those things. If they hadn't been dumb enough to market them toward kids instead of adults, they'd probably have suck around longer. Not that it affects me, I bought mine black market two years ago.

Derwood

I'm a child of baby-boomers and the initial post isn't even remotely accurate in my case. Talk about painting with a BROAD brush here.

Jinn

My parents were helicopter parents and I wasn't allowed near anything with an engine until I was 17. And only then, with them.

And look at me, I turned out to be a "namby pamby" man!

Not surprisingly, I'm with will that "how to be a parent" lectures are a bit tiring. Anyone who has dealt with children (and even adults) knows that every person has a different way they learn, a different way they interpret discipline and authority.

What works for some won't work for others.

I'm certain that if my parents hadn't been helicopter parents, I wouldn't be around to type this. I'm a walking accident with the coordination of an elephant and the dexterity of a spider on its back.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Cheater

"The Jazz" - I think you missed what I was referring to as "fun" toys. Daval mentioned the missing playground equipment and the signs that said "no running" around a playground. I wasn't referring to the items you mentioned, but I can see by the ages of your children that you are a lot younger than I (my baby just turned 27), so we are talking about very different toys here. I agree that there is a need for manufacturers to meet standards, it is the simple things that I miss.
I worked for a utility company for many years, and we made tire playgrounds using old utility poles. There are none of the playgrounds left. Why? Children fell off of swings or climbing poles, and were hurt, so the equipment was removed due to a liability issue. That is what I was referring to as a trivial lawsuit (yes, schools were sued because a child fell off a swing and was hurt).

The_Jazz

Actually, they were removed from playgrounds because utility poles were never intended for playground equipment. They were made using creosote, which contains arsenic and a bunch of other very nasty chemicals. Most used poles already had most of the nasty stuff leach out, but there were cases in Florida and New Jersey where it hadn't and was found in kids' bodies, either from touching the equipment or splinters. You probably know this, but creosote (which used to be the ONLY way to make poles) was outlawed about 4 years ago because of the CCA content. Most pole manufacturers these days cannot buy coverage for their past CCA exposure without paying a very hefty premium.

There was also a case in Minnesota where a pole had rot in it that no one caught and it collapsed a whole section of a fort - thankfully with no kids in them.

I played in wooden equipment all the time when I was a kid - most of it made with 4x4 and 2x4 - and I loved it. I am sad that most of that equipment is gone for my boys to play on, but I understand why. Also, most of it is only designed to last 20 years or so (minimally protected wood left to the elements), so it has a definite lifetime. Plastic doesn't, but it is also more expensive to build.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Cheater

Somehow I knew you were going to come up with the explanation of Creosote. Believe me, we only used old Cedar poles that weren't treated.
Anyway, I'm not looking for an argument here, just missing the simple things we used to enjoy. I see you understand about the wood vs. the plastic gyms. By the way, there is a swing set in my back yard that was handed down to me when I was a kid. It is made of iron pipe and is now being used to support a lawn swing.
I think the children are missing some of the imagination we had, too many electronic toys today.
oh, and one thing you mentioned was go-carts. I don't think of them as toys, they are motorized vehicles that require a lot of responsibility by the manufacturer, the purchaser, and the end user.

rmarshall

When I was kid, we walked to school starting in grade 1. It was about 3/4 mile and we walked home for lunch. So that's 3 miles per day.
After school, we get home and were told to go out and play. Be home before dark. The whole town was our playground.
One of father's expressions: "go out and play in the traffic."
We had a cottage about a 100 miles north of Montreal. We had outboard motors and boats and .22 rifles, and axes and bayonets and any number of "dangerous" things.
We helped built the cottage and the boathouse. We used hammers and saws and never lost a finger.
The store was a mile away down a dirt road. We'd walk there to get a pop and comic book and firecrackers. 12 cents each for the pop and the Superman comic. 50 cents for the firecrackers. We did chores to earn the money.
A favourite game was "commando". Run around in the woods in the dark with a smoldering string and a pocket full of firecrackers. Throw them at each other.
You have to learn to be stealthy and watch for sparks from the fuses as they fly at you.
We had so many blackflies, we were given cigars to carry as "smudgepots". We smoked them.
One September, I wrote a composition about my summer vacation. The teacher sent home a note asking if any of it was true.

__________________
"Do not resent growing old. Many are denied the privilege" Irish proverb

filtherton

Every kid is different. I was given free roam of my neighborhood when I was 7. It worked out okay for me. Other kids maybe not. I was also allowed to live on my own for a whole summer when I was 14. It worked out okay for me, but only because I was lucky enough to not have to suffer any of the more severe consequences associated with the various activities I engaged in that summer.

The important thing is to find a balance between your child's well being and their need to do stupid, risky shit, regardless of the combination of overprotection and negligence required.

murp0434

Something that the OP only briefly touched on that I feel has really fallen by the wayside is RESPECT. If you let your kid wander around the neighborhood unsupervised, fine, but they better be respectful enough not to mess around with my stuff. I don't care about seeing groups of kids wandering around with frisbees and soccer balls but I get pretty worked up when I see them with spray paint or knocking over trash cans, etc. However you do it, the kid needs to learn respect before (s)he get's the freedom. OP touched on this a little with the "Don't automatically take your kid's side" portion but I really felt that needed to be expanded upon. Respectful kids don't need (nearly as much) supervision.

__________________
These are the good old days.


How did I become upright?

World's King

Why would I want to cuddle with a child?



Oh... CODDDLE... Got it. Yeah... no... still not okay.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

KnifeMissile

I don't think this just happened a few weeks ago. The journalist's name is Lenore Skenazy and she has a blog dedicated to this very issue and a book of the same name: ...

spectre

Daval, I absolutely agree, but I think it's part of a larger problem. It's not just adults coddling their kids, but they do it to each other. Instead of being honest, most people just tend to enable bad behavior to coddle others. It may seem unrelated, but it's the same end result, by being nice, you're just harming the person more by not giving them the ability to learn the vital coping skills that they need to deal with difficult situations in real life. I pity those kids because they're going to end up like the coddled adults out there, too crippled by fear to act because people have sheltered them under the guise of being nice, but have instead made them so unable to deal with hardship in their lives that they freak out at the slightest stress. They then fall into patterns of attention seeking behavior, seeking more coddling, which is encouraged through enabling behaviors of others who are just as crippled. The shame of it all is that this is becoming a welcomed part of the culture which is being passed down through generations.

This reminded me of this video from a while back:

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No goddamn slave
I will be different" ~ Machine Head

robot_parade

I have a couple of thoughts on this, as the parent of four kids (5-13). First, a link with a fascinating map:

How children lost the right to roam in four generations | Mail Online

Second, I think part of the reason that parents are more protective is that the death of a child is so much rarer than at any other time in history. Now, the loss of a child is an uncommon tragedy, whereas 100 years ago, it was almost commonplace. People invest more time and energy into each child nowadays, and no one expects to lose a child to anything.

For our family, we're trying pretty hard to be less protective, and allow ourselves to allow our children to do more dangerous things, and to be more responsible for themselves. I absolutely agree that it helps them to become happier and more mature adults. On the other hand, if anything were to happen to one of our children, I know we'd blame ourselves and probably become far more protective, logic be damned.

raeanna74

I am trying to do my best and I think my parents tried to do their best as they saw it and other parents where the same. Granted there's the few who don't give a shit or think their kid can do no wrong but for the majority of parents, they TRY to parent well. That's all we can hope to do. My parents were overly strict and they were boomers, my friends parents at that time were overly lax mostly - not my childhood friends (the ones I still hear about) have tended to swing to the overly strict or Helicoper parents. I think we tend to react to our parents percieved shortcomings by over reacting. I hope I'm not doing too poorly.

As far as the independence thing - I have to brag a little here. My daughter, who is 8, does not give me any trouble with worry over her going to friends houses. She has many friends within only a few blocks and I frequently give her the freedom of going to their homes to play. She has consistantly called me if she wants to stop at another friend's house on the way home or go to her friend's mom's shop or the bakery a block down from there (please keep in mind the size of our town and lack of crime - population 2000, and county sheriff station is here). She even comes home within 10 minutes, give or take, from any appointed time that I give her. For the last year, as far as I can remember, she has not given me any cause to worry. I've always known where she was and what she was doing. I hope that keeps up, it really makes that part of parenting EASY!

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ngdawg

I am a quasi-coddler, I think, but not nearly as bad as some of the moms I associated with as our children grew up together.
My kids were allowed to go around the neighborhood to friends, as long as I knew where they were going. We live off a busy main road and until my son was about 11, I walked him to the intersection; his friend's father on the other side of the road would do the same and we each would walk the visiting boy to the corner light, where the other parent would be waiting opposite.
On the other hand, I started teaching my kids how to manage alone in the house when they were nine; they were taught how to do things like their own laundry, household chores, etc. at about the same age.
Yes, I drove them to school, which wasn't far at all, but across that same busy road-they started walking on their own in 6th grade. I cringe seeing "babies" (kindergarten or so) making that trek and noticed that they didn't know how to do so-they didn't go to the crossing guard or stood where cars make lefts into their path (not a good way to cross).
I wonder where people like the ones in that Daily Mirror article got their thinking-my mom was also a quasi-coddler, although we 4 walked the mile or so to school and followed the "street lights" rule.
We weren't raised with cell phones, we were raised with trust and rules. We had bikes, we had neighborhoods filled with other kids to hang and play with. Moms either stayed home or worked part time and there wasn't "day care", there were babysitters.
We got into trouble, we got hurt; we didn't know anyone who had died or gotten disabled or kidnapped because of being away from a parent's eye. I did have one friend who died at the age of 12-from a virus that "ate" her heart.

I think I'd mentioned this somewhere else, but...in the 30's there was a rash of crimes against children of which both my parents were victims. My mom was abducted, beaten, pissed on and left for dead in 1933 when she was 3-taken from her stroller which was left outside of an apartment while her mother visited a friend. My father, swimming at Coney Island, was attacked and held under the water by a man until someone saw it unfolding and stopped it, in 1935 when he was 5. In that decade, at least seven children had been murdered within the five boroughs.

I'm not sure why boomer parents are the way they are. Fear? Laziness? Combination?
Oversaturated with new items about kids in peri, which, if it was so commonplace, wouldn't be news?

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