Gender double standards

[Slavakion]

I have a female friend who will sometimes punch me on the arm if we get into some teasing/banter. Since she hit me first, I feel justified in giving her a slap back in the arm.

Now she recently told me that it bothers her when I hit her back because she's a girl and I'm not. She always starts this, and I never hit her as hard as she hits me (I don't think I even could after my arm starts to go numb). In my opinion, she's making claim to a double standard that only supports gender inequality.

What are your opinions on the matter? Either way you feel, justify your answer.

[Supple Cow]

Originally Posted by Slavakion

In my opinion, she's making claim to a double standard that only supports gender inequality.

Sure she is, but what does that have to do with you if you don't think it's right to hit people? "She started it" is not really a great excuse. I used to be a stupid girl who thought she could hit guys and then be mad if they hit me back, but then I learned my lesson. Hitting her back will only perpetuate her childish behavior. If you take the high road and don't hit her, and point out that she's being immature and applying a double standard, then you both might actually learn something from this.

Unless, of course, you are just looking for an excuse to hit girls.

[Slavakion]

Originally Posted by Supple Cow

Unless, of course, you are just looking for an excuse to believe that men are inherently superior to women.

No, that's what I'm trying to disprove in this situation. And I would usually take the high road and not hit a person back, but she does this to a lot of people and thinks that it's just fine. I told her that if she truly has a problem with me responding in kind, I'll stop, but she's not helping herself in any way.

[Supple Cow]

Oops, you quoted me before I was done editing.

Either way, I don't think hitting her back is the answer. If she does it to other people and they don't know how to stop it, it's their problem. Your problem is that she's hitting you. Surely you can think of another way to get her to stop besides hitting her back. She is probably secretly happy that you do that - you are just giving her more attention.

[Ourcrazymodern?]

Girls feeling okay about hitting guys is less wrong than vice-versa since guys are usually bigger and stronger. It's still wrong. Violence against others has no valid excuses unless it's in self-defense, and that's an iffy explanation for a guy to use. Buck up. My wife has struck me down on several occasions, both literally and figuratively. I've never felt the urge to strike her because:
"BOYS SHOULD'NT HIT GIRLS". Damn societal conditioning.
um, shy away from violent women, 'cuz they'll hurt you and there's not a damn thing you can legitimately do about it.

[Carno]

Next time she hits you, punch her in the twat.

[ngdawg]

Originally Posted by Carno

Next time she hits you, punch her in the twat.

That made me LOL

I have to admit, I'm a 'backhander'...snide/inuendo remarks and I swing, usually at the shoulder. Always with a smile, never malicious and never expecting a swing in return. It's just the way some of us are....
If it makes you uncomfortable, speak up...or, like above....

[Sultana]

Originally Posted by Carno

Next time she hits you, punch her in the twat.

Dammit! Now my whole monitor and keyboard is covered with coffee!

How about you tell her to stop hitting you at all. It's time for both you guys to grow up, and hitting to the point of pain on a regular basis is not grown-up behavior (but more especially if she can't take it back, heh!).

So no more hitting altogether. This is what I tell my under-10 nephews, because, "Someone always gets hurt, and gets their feelings hurt."

[KellyC]

Originally Posted by Carno

Next time she hits you, punch her in the twat.

I'm going for the good ol' titty twister.

Actually, I might seriously consider this move next time a girl hits me...with a warning, of course.

[Crack]

I hit a girl once. Bitch took my grape drink in 1st grade. I was then forever know as her "boyfriend"

What was I saying... I hope it works out the same for you.

[dksuddeth]

you need to tell her that, as a girl, the reactions of those around her will be directly related to her actions. If she thinks that she shouldn't be hit, as a girl, then, as a girl, she shouldn't be doing the hitting. When she actively places herself outside the normal ranges of decent behavior (not hitting others) then she should expect the same response back, whether she's a girl or not. THAT is gender equality par excellence.

[Daniel_]

Give her a wedgie!

[Slavakion]

Originally Posted by dksuddeth

you need to tell her that, as a girl, the reactions of those around her will be directly related to her actions. If she thinks that she shouldn't be hit, as a girl, then, as a girl, she shouldn't be doing the hitting. When she actively places herself outside the normal ranges of decent behavior (not hitting others) then she should expect the same response back, whether she's a girl or not. THAT is gender equality par excellence.

That's more or less what I've told her. Either it's gonna be a two-way thing or nobody does anything.

Originally Posted by ngdawg

I have to admit, I'm a 'backhander'...snide/inuendo remarks and I swing, usually at the shoulder. Always with a smile, never malicious and never expecting a swing in return.

That's how it starts. She'd give me a friendly backhand in the arm or shoulder, and I'd give her one right back without even glancing up from my computer while typing something.

Originally Posted by Supple Cow

Unless, of course, you are just looking for an excuse to hit girls.

No, not that either. =(

[Toaster126]

Why are you letting a friend treat you in a way that makes you feel disrespected? That's the real question here.

[ItWasMe]

There are unpleasant things you can do back that are not violent...

Stick a wet finger in her ear, run your tongue up the side of her face...lots of 'non-violent' ways to deter her. That, and turning down get-togethers because you don't appreciate her smacking you (you have to let her know why, though).

[BadNick]

Maybe by doing that she's flirting. Flirting can be friendly not just sexual. Maybe this is her love tap. Sometimes a mild, non-violent physical interaction/wrestling/hitting can be fun. It doesn't always have to be soothing, gentle, soft-touch kinda thing. Did she grow up with a couple brothers?

[little_tippler]

Err....tell her you don't like it and that you want her to stop. Tell her that if she doesn't stop, you won't either. Then if she keeps doing it, walk away. Who needs friends who disrespect you anyway? It may be small, but if it bothers you enough to post it here, then it's important enough.

I had a phase where I'd do that occasionally, I don't know why. I mean, smack a guy across the shoulder lightly, if he did/said something silly or whatever. I realised I didn't like what I was doing (it was obviously something subconscious and complicated that I won't get into now), and then I stopped myself doing it. I don't do it anymore. And you're right, no-one likes getting hit, even if it is playfully.

[daretodream]

As a result of growing up with brothers, I don't really apply this double standard. When I hit a guy, I expect him to hit me back, and vice versa. And yes, some might argue that fighting among siblings is in a field of its own, but I don't see a difference when anyone fights anyone else, regardless of gender. I find it annoying when girls complain about being hit by guys. Sure, it's one thing to complain about being hurt, but it's another to perpetuate the "guys can't hit girls" mindlessness. In a way, I find it a bit demeaning.

As for your particular case, if the girl doesn't want to be hit, it should be on the basis of being hurt rather than gender. If she's going to hit you, she should be prepared to get hit right back, because to not be in this mindset only perpetuates the problem. While actually hitting her probably won't solve your problem and isn't suggested for a long term solution, she shouldn't be allowed to continue on believing she is invincible and exempt from retaliation stemming from her actions. So, like what has been mentioned before, talk to her. Let her know that it's not fun/funny/cute/ or whatever she might think it is, and if she's going to try to uphold a senseless "rule" for protection, then that's not going to fly.

[ItWasMe]

I have no brothers. And I don't go around hitting people; I think that behavior is annoying by either gender. That said, I would not even consider being around a guy who even 'playfully' hits women. And I certainly would not date him, at all. In my personal experience, the more you tolerate it, the more it escalates.

[analog]

Originally Posted by Carno

Next time she hits you, punch her in the twat.

I would say grab a handful of breast, but this works too. lol

[Giant Hamburger]

Are you not the Hammer of Thor?

The blows of a maid should be like waves upon the rocks. They should feel like kisses snatched in the field. If she is the girl she suggests she is, then she should be permitted to strike you when she warms your furs. Have the spirited minx bathed and sent to your tent. You will quench her fire with red kisses from smashed and bloodied lips. The double standard should fall to the ground amongst your clothes.

I have spoken.

[Destrox]

As long as its all friendly and such, I see no problem.

I've got a friend of mine, a co-worker at that, that we both (I'm male she is female) will playfully hit each other. Each other knows that if one starts something, the other will respond equally. There is no gender police going around stopping it.

She's just being selfish in my view.

[cyklone]

Originally Posted by BadNick

Maybe by doing that she's flirting. Flirting can be friendly not just sexual. Maybe this is her love tap. Sometimes a mild, non-violent physical interaction/wrestling/hitting can be fun. It doesn't always have to be soothing, gentle, soft-touch kinda thing. Did she grow up with a couple brothers?

I'm with BadNick, but try telling her it hurts. I had a girlfriend who was much the same, she would bite and pinch expecting me to be the tough macho male. I had to tell her, "bugger that, it bloody hurts, I'm not into pain, stop it". Try it, it certainly beats the tit for tat activity which gets you bloody nowhere except being accused of abuse.

[abaya]

Originally Posted by daretodream

As a result of growing up with brothers, I don't really apply this double standard. When I hit a guy, I expect him to hit me back, and vice versa.

Precisely. I am an only child, but I grew up playing with boys more than girls, and I liked the rough 'n tumble. I hated girls being... well, girly. My husband and I get into frequent wrestling matches (unrelated to sex, believe me!) and we both love it. He knows that if he tries to tickle me, he's gonna get it back just as bad, and vice versa. It's something I love about our relationship... that we don't adjust the way we treat each other simply because of "gender." (Although we do adjust the way we fuck, but that's physically necessary. )

[EaseUp]

Solution?

[Menoman]

Hit her back, she'll stop if she really is put off by you reacting.

I really can't imagine myself talking to one of my female friends, and asking nicely for her to stop coz it is immature, or that it hurts too much. That shit ain't gonna happen, and I don't really think most guys are gonna do that either.

I agree with what you are already saying, there doesnt have to be double standards enacted in this situation because you're in control of it.

[genuinegirly]

Ask her why she feels it's not right for you to gently nudge her back. Be tactful as you explain your views on how it's a double-standard. Let her know that you don't like being punched in the arm, and that if she does it again, you will respond accordingly. She will hopefully take the hint.

I don't think that it's right that anyone punches anyone. Poking, on the other hand, is fare game.

[pig]

i don't know what the relative sizes in this situation are, but i've found that i can usually tackle the chick and/or wrestle her and/or tie her arms up. i've had some female friends who would hit me rather playfully, and it never really bothered me. then again, it didn't really hurt much and i've got a reasonable pain tolerance. still, if it did start to hurt i'd just wrap them up. its sort of the way i train my dogs; establish a firm level of dominance in your personal space.

[Ourcrazymodern?]

Originally Posted by Giant Hamburger

Are you not the Hammer of Thor?

The blows of a maid should be like waves upon the rocks. They should feel like kisses snatched in the field. If she is the girl she suggests she is, then she should be permitted to strike you when she warms your furs. Have the spirited minx bathed and sent to your tent. You will quench her fire with red kisses from smashed and bloodied lips. The double standard should fall to the ground amongst your clothes.

I have spoken.

Giant Hamburger shadows the earth, periodically. Take his wisdom within!

[MSD]

I was going to suggest tackle-hugging her, but there have been some other good suggestions in the thread that I have to acknowledge and expand on.

Originally Posted by Daniel_

Give her a wedgie!

Double bonus points if she's wearing a thong.

Originally Posted by analog

I would say grab a handful of breast, but this works too. lol

This will work, but you have to yell "HONK!" as you grab.

[Punk.of.Ages]

I hang out with some girls that like to hit me and such. I usually don't hit back, but if I do there's no "Oh my god, I'm a girl." I think if a girl wants to hit you she should be able to take reaction in kind. In the world I grew up in if you hit somebody, you better be ready to get hit back. Whether you're a girl or a boy.

[World's King]

That fact that you said "she started it" makes you just as childish as she is for saying that you can't 'play hit' her back.

[analog]

Originally Posted by MrSelfDestruct

This will work, but you have to yell "HONK!" as you grab.

I will never do that... specifically because my mom thought it would be a good idea to tell the story of when my dad had all four of his wisdom teeth out and was home fresh from the dentist's office and still doped all to hell on pain killers... acting goofy... and reached out and audibly "honked" as he grabbed one of her boobs, looking very proud of himself. Also take into account this wasn't during childhood, this was a few years ago.

So no... no breast-honking.

*shudders*