soma

Last night, I got an email from my now GF telling me we need to have a serious talk about our relationship. She wants to discuss the following with me:

-What our boundaries are
-Our religious/political beliefs
-Our commitment (short term or long term)

This is the first relationship I've ever been in, and I'm not really sure what my boundaries are and what my commitment is. What, for instance, are some common relationship boundaries couples have? I do really like this girl and she really likes me, but ... Hmm. I do want to be with her as long as possible, but I don't want to scare her off with the thought of being in a relationship for a super long time. What should I say about this?

Any advice, or sharing of past experiences would be appreciated. Thanks.

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Having Girl Problems?

maleficent

Seems a little early in your relationship to be having this talk... I'd be afraid of her actually... This is the same girl from the other thread? I'd even say it's too soon for the boyfriend/girlfriend label -- but that's just me...

How can you discuss committment - until you've gotten to know someone...

I can understand the discussion of religious beliefs - because for some people that is a deal breaker... political beliefs (wasn't that a bad jerry seinfeld episode - "i'd never date a guy who wasn't pro-choice... ") can change over time... If that's a deal breaker for someone... seems like they are looking for reasons why not...

Boundries I'm not sure is the right word - more like expectations... What do you expect out of each other... daily phone calls... Ability to go out with the boys/girls without a dramafest involved.

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ratbastid

I'm not concerned about the speed with which this happened. Sometimes it happens fast. Did for me.

Look, she wants YOUR participation in that conversation. Coming to us for research is really beside the point. Since she's got some things she wants to discuss, let her take the lead in the conversation. If you don't understand what she means by something, ASK her. When you're clear what question she's asking, then ANSWER the question. It's that simple. In the end, you'll both be clear where you both stand.

Poppinjay

It sounds like she's as new to relationships as you, or she's so experienced, she now has a short list of specifics before she decides to further things along. I'm guessing the former. And I'm guessing maybe she's had some questions or pressure from friends or family.

Take advantage of this talk as a chance to get to know her better. Don't treat it like a potential mine field.

One caveat, you say you want to be in a long term relationship with her, but don't want to scare her off with that terminology... the fact is, you don't really know if you want to be long term or not. It's been 9 days. The best answer to that is somewhere along the lines that you'll be respectful of her ideas about how the relationship is going and be honest and stick to any boundaries you establish together.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Cynthetiq

do lots of listening.

do lots of talking.

if you don't understand something, ask for clarification. explain what you understand back to the other individual

don't like something, say so, and state why and what is acceptable to you.

see that's communicating.

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Martian

She wants to have a talk, have a talk. Like ratbstid, I'm not worried about how early it is. Religious beliefs in particular can be a sticking point and the rule of thumb is that it's better to get this stuff out of the way early.

If I had to guess, I'd say it's possible she's been burned in the past and is therefore looking for clear-cut rules out of the gate.

There's not subtext here. You just sit down and have the talk she wants to have, Be honest and forthright and listen to what she has to say.

In terms of relationship expectations think of it less as a time thing and more about emotional involvement. Let her know that you really do care about her and want to be with her and that it's not just a fling to you.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Poppinjay

So, have you had the talk yet?

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

soma

We had a bit of a relationship talk two days ago. She asked a lot of questions like, how much I like her and how long have I liked her for. I felt a bit of hesitation to tell her I'm nuts for her because that might put her in an uncomfortable position. I don't know. I also feel sort of like ... erg this may sound stupid, but a friend told me that it's always better for the girl to fall for you first...

Thoughts? She's coming over for a brief time today and I'm sure we're going to pick the conversation up again.

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Having Girl Problems?

ratbastid

If what you're after is a control game, that's definitely true.

If what you're after is a relationship, on the other hand... Not so true.

You know, in sales, the advice is not to spill all your candy on the table. Hold back a little information, dole it out in pieces to keep your customer interested and asking for more from you. I've found that if you're interested in a sales game (which is about control) in your relationship, then that's good advice. Play it close to the chest, don't actually say how things really are for you, make her beg for anything from you.

That is actually counter-productive if what you want is an open, intimate relationship. Best thing is to lay all your cards on the table, and let them fall where they may. Openness and vulnerability are very attractive qualities.

Poppinjay

Like ratbastid said, you can play the game, or you can think about a relationship.

Having said that, I think when you say you're "nuts" for her, you need to keep in mind that a great deal of your emotion about this person is infatuation, which is a very temporary state that causes your brain cells to riot and picket. It sounds like you've met somebody you really want to get to know and be near. Just don't make it sound like you're ready for marriage. You want the relationship to grow, not to be instant.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Toaster126

Witholding all your lovey-dovey feelings doesn't mean you are "playing games". Coming on too fast and too strong can hurt a relationship. There have been studies about self-disclosure and the beginings of relationships that confirm this. (An interesting sidebar - men were more negatively regarded from spilling everything too early than women were). You can be honest without proclaiming your undying love or what have you.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

jusolson00

Toaster, do you have links to this kind of research.. I'm very interested in some of the underlying ideas behind some of this stuff.. It is interesting how coming on too strong (even if both parties feel that way) can damage a relationship. Thanks for any info!

ShaniFaye

I SO love reading stuff like this knowing that dave and I did all of that 2 weeks into our relationship and it was the best thing ever..2 1/2 years later we are the most disgustingly happied married couple most people know.

IMO if it hurst the relationship.....its not the person you were meant to be with

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Tachion

Go with honesty. I mean real honesty, that is about you and your true feelings.

For example: I really feel deeply for you but I am afraid that these feeling will hurt the relationship this early on, or I never felt this way am I am afraid etc.

You see, real honesty means give the whole story including your fears, concerns etc.
It shows you are willing to trust the other persons capabilities.
Do it in a non-blaming way.
Do not use 'honesty' as a way to hurt -i.e. You look silly in that dress.
That is coming from a place you are feeling pain.

So the real honest thing to say would be,
I was hurt when .... Again no blame - just open honest discussion of your feelings.

When she talks - listen!!! No trying to change her mind - ie: That's wrong because...
She will tell you her pain and fears in her own way -you have to learn to hear it. Listen!!

Try and understand her pain or concerns and not change them.

You can say that I don't understand or that concerns me because I have a fear ...

Its hard to do, but if you want a deep relationship you can get there.

For me it was almost immediate since we both understood what being honest and good to each other was.

In the end the only thing a relationship is about is trust, love, respect and understanding.

If you hide things in order to control ithe relationship, you can't have all of the above.

Mantus

I hope you asked her what brought about this interigation. There must be some issues at hand.

From my point of view, if girl wants to ask me about my political or religious beliefs she can take me out to dinner. I am not applying for a job for fudge sakes. I love a women who can talk politics and/or religion but if she brings up such subjects to judge me then it was nice seeing her.

abaya

Wow, all those questions she has for you... sounds exactly the way I was, when I was 19 and had very strong religious beliefs. I think I probably asked the exact same questions, come to think of it. And to be honest, my inflexibility on those issues is what drove me apart from my boyfriend at the time... it was too much, too soon, for both of us. But then again, neither of us really knew ourselves, nor did we know how to communicate properly.

Listen to Ratbastid, as usual. Tachion and Cynthetiq also have great advice. Give 100%, don't play games. There's no other way to go. And let us know how it goes.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

soma

Ok. So we haven't really sat down and had a big talk, but we have mini relationship talks here and there. Today, she told me that she was going to go clubbing with her girlfriends some time this week and asked if that was ok with that. I was pretty uneasy at first, thinking of other guys trying to get with her, but at the same time, I don't want to be that jealous/insecure/controlling boy friend. I told her it was ok, but I think she could tell I was holding back.

So I'm going to call her tomorrow so we can chat about it a little. I have no reason not to trust her and I want to tell her that I'm cool with it. But at the same time, part of me feels I should be a little protective. I know I know, we live in different times where women should not be a man's possession, but at the same time ... well, clubs are teeming with attractive and horny men. Not exactly the place I want my girlfriend to be...

Thoughts?

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Having Girl Problems?

crow_daw

Allright you know what man? I don't care what anybody says, that is not an easy situation. You're not alone, nobody likes that idea. I know I don't. You have every right to feel uneasy. It's nearly unavoidable.

That being said, you should trust her. I don't want to double-talk here, but it is wrong to be super-possessive, controlling, etc. It is, however, pretty natural to be uncomfortable with it, and if you are, then you can't help it. But just let her go, and you'll soon see that it's really nothing to worry about, I feel confident.

And if it is something to worry about with this girl, then you don't need her anyway.

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"We each have a star, all we have to do is find it. Once you do, everyone who sees it will be blinded." - Earl Simmons

william

Or maybe it's not an interregation. She wants to talk and get to know you - why is everyone so guarded about that? Talk to her - be honest with her. It's not as bad as people make it out to be. If she's what you're looking for (and vice-versa) BRILLIANT! If not, you know sooner to move on.

Toaster126

Um, unless you think your ladyfriend is going to cheat on you given the chance, you shouldn't be worried at all. In fact, it is a good thing she is going out with the girls. Don't take that as a threat.

If you do think she would cheat on you, then I'd say you have more issues to work out.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

spice_oflife

As hard as it may be, try placing 100% trust in her. Hope for the best but expect the worst. If she comes through, she'd be aware enough to acknowledge and recognize that you placed that much trust in her... and that is a huge turn on for some women.