miko

Ok, i need some sex advice. Somewhat typical situation where I want it all the time and my wife doesn't. If it was up to her and i never said a thing about it, we would probably have it once a month. But i manage to get once a week out of her and some play inbetween if I'm lucky. But i have to ask and the "yes" is never a heartfelt one. Now the weird thing is that it's like she's missing the hormones that make us horny to begin with. Or whatever makes us think about sex. She tried taking testosterone (doctor recommended) but that didn't really do anything. And when we do have sex it's usually pretty good. Sometimes not good, but that's rare. It's like once we get into things, she wakes up. With stimulation she can cum every time, usually multiple times. But general screwing with no clitoral stimulation doesn't really feel good. Or if it does it's just for a couple minutes then she loses feeling. But at least we know she doesn't have any problem achieving orgasm. So i'm quite confused. I don't know if it's mental or physical or what. In the very beginning of our relationship we were like rabbits. But that was like 7 years ago. And i don't like having sex with someone just because they let me. I want them to want it, ya know? And it's frustrating for her too. But it's been like this for so long that she will openly say she doesn't like sex. (And it doesn't help that some of the older ladies she works with have the same feeling about it.) Even though like i said she can achieve orgasm pretty easily. Which would mean to me that it feels good and what's not to like about something that doesn't feel good? Oh and she does mention that she has to really concentrate for it to feel good and for her to come, when I think she just needs to relax and go with it. Normal position for her is military with her eyes closed while i do all the work making sure it's all about her and making sure it feels good for her. Feeling good for me is pretty much a given so i don't have to worry about that. But I do wish SHE would fuck ME, ya know? Put in some effort of her own instead of just concentrating on getting herself off. But then again, if it's not going to feel good for her....
Any of you ladies have similiar experiences or can offer any help/suggestions?
Sorry if I sound like a typical male idiot. I'm just really confused.

rlynnm

Don't feel badly for wanting to have sex with your wife as regularly as possible. And I doubt anyone would call you a typical male idiot for wanting to please her either.

With marriage, at times, other priorities become more apparent because of the responsibilities such a commitment entails. What does she do for a living? Is it stressul for her or is she aiming for a promotion/raise? Are there children that live at home that may take away from quiet private time? Sometimes obligations interfere with 'recreation' or fun, and sex, well, becomes swallowed up in this category (even though personally I think it to some degree is necessary).

You can try a different method of romancing her --maybe your methods of initiating sex have not sufficiently excited her enough to take her clothes off.

The problem may not even with you or anything you're doing, so don't be so hard on yourself, there might be external factors that are prohiting her from responding sexually towards you. It appears that she is heavily preoccupied --if she can't even relax during sex.

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

Seaver

Well there's lots of tricks.

First off, you should never ask a woman for sex. Give her a good, long, sensual kiss to start things off (6seconds no tongue at first). Just take it slow with her. The longer she has to warm up the more she'll think about sex (and want it).

Try using her mind (it IS her largest sex organ). Take her out for a nice dinner, tell her all the things that made you fall in love with her. How her smile made your heart sink the first time you saw her. How she has a sparkle in her eyes when she looks at you. All the good stuff you used to think every day (and used to tell her) when you two were first in love. Maybe it's not just a hormonal problem, maybe she just wants to be romanced again.

Every once in a while when you two are together, whisper what you're thinking in her ear. Tell her how when she wears that skirt (that she's wearing) you want to just lift it up and take her from behind. When you're at a black tie/dress event, that the way she looks drives you crazy and you cant wait to take her home (while at the event).

Try some different positions. The lotus is great for women, when done right it will hit her clitorus and G-spot at the same time (and you wont come quickly since you're sitting).

Or when you are having sex missionary style, move your hips up laterally (so your hips are directly above hers. Your penis will bend around her pubic bone, this rubs her clitorus while normal missionary hardly touches it at all.

Anyways I'm not married, and I'm not a girl. However I doubt these tips wont work (ladies back me up if I'm right).

ngdawg

I got the same argument from the spouse-that I never initiate it. Wasn't entirely true, as I did on occasion. But, relationship problems aside, I'll give a quick rundown from at least one perspective(which I'm sure will be countered, but that's ok)
We're tired. The last thing on our minds after work, kids, house, bills, chores, etc is sex. It's work too. Sometimes a nice quick fuck is great. But you love us-you don't WANT a quickie, you want to get us to the big O. After a while we figured that's the modus operandi, so we don't even bother saying 'want a quickie?'
If you've mentioned to her that you'd like HER to initiate and take control and she hasn't the best thing you can do is be patient. We DO get horny, we'd just rather sleep

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

ratbastid

Communication issues in relationships frequently show up first in the bedroom. At least, I know that's now it is in my marriage. Whenever we're having an issue about sex, it's very rarely about the sex.

miko

YES! I forgot to mention this. Her work days are VERY stressfull. And mine are not at all. But I can't say things really change when on vacation either. Maaaaaybe slightly but hardly.

And thanks, Seaver. Lots of good stuff there. Things we tend to forget about. I'm sure I'm partly to blame for lack of interest. But we have talked about it and some of it does seem physical (in her mind) but maybe that's a big part of it too... her mind.

rlynnm

Coming from one female perspective, I agree that anticipation reinforces a 'bigger' orgasm. Fourplay? Yes most definitely.

Glad you addressed this as well seaver. Many times, the relationship becomes too complacent that the wooing part of it has nearly diminished. Some males think it's redunduncy but romance never gets old with us --even if we have heard it over and over and over again. It's important to us that you STILL feel that way.

Again, anticipation.....works wonders..and trust me, all that time we take to get ready for such events, it's usually meant for you (the men in our lives) to see and enjoy, everything else is just extraneous.
On the dot! The Lotus position works great....Anything where we're made to straddle in a certain fashion. For some reason counters work great too, but that's largely contingent on height and other such factors. Standing up against walls work well if he can lift and position you correctly --

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

rlynnm

At least you understand that sex is a shared responsibility, for lack of a better term. If her job is stressful --that in and of itself is reason to not have an anticipatory interest in sex. Maybe sex is seen more as a chore, not necessarily because of you, but rather the act itself can be draining.

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

Ustwo

Ok again, not one of the ladies, but I've had my share of experiance and I have been with the same woman now for 14 years (8 married).

You sound very much like I feel at times. I want it more often, I have to initiate it, but once it starts shes really into it.

While I used to think it was stress and work, that didn't turn out to be it. For us it was mostly hormone issues. While on the pill her sex drive diminished. After she had a child her sex drive was nill. After she cut down on the breast feeding it shot up again, and she was on the mini-pill. Problem is the mini-pill is not very effective if you are not breast feeding, so she went back to the pill (lower dose) and her sex drive started to diminish a bit. Shes going to try the ring method starting next month as that is the lowest dose, to see if that helps out.

Womens sex drives can be very fragile and fickle things, just because we found our problem doesn't mean its also yours.

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JustJess

I'm hoping the BC is the source of my issues too, but as ngdawg said... women tend to be a bit more sidelined by practicalities. E.g. "it's 11pm and I have to get up early and what are the cats(or kids in many cases) up to and I have 3 million things to do at work and and and and".

Stress = no libido whatsoever for many.

__________________
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

abaya

I think I've said this before, but Seaver KNOWS what he is talking about. His first three paragraphs here are golden. Listen to this man. Do what he says. Report back to us.

Then come back here every month of every year for the rest of your marriage, and remind yourself of what it takes to keep a woman hot and faithful. If you ask me, he's got it damn well covered.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Seaver

/blush

So much love.

JumpinJesus

I'm hearing a lot of people saying that stress is a major libido killer. Strangely enough, sex is one of the best ways of dealing with stress there is.

I hope shesus doesn't mind me saying this....but we started getting into a rut after a few years together. The sex was happening the same time of day, the same positions, the same motions, etc. We both knew it was happening but neither of us really discussed it. There would be times we would go 2 weeks without any sexual contact. Finally, we both agreed that we were becoming vanilla in our sex life and that things wouldn't get any better if we didn't make a conscious effort to change it. We decided that being entirely honest with each other about our sexuality and who we were sexually was the best way to go about it.

Since then, if we go even 3 days without sex, it seems like an eternity. Not only that, but the sex is amazing. It's even better now than it was during that first year.

As far as dealing with stress and how it affects one's sex life, we've found that eating better, getting more rest, and becoming more active in our lives helped out a lot as well. Those things also had the added benefit of making us more physically atrractive to each other.

Best of luck with your situation, miko. I hope everything works out.

__________________
"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

shesus

Sex drive can definitely decrease by being stressed and tired.

There are many good tips up there, especially from Seaver. Ratbastid also scores in with the communication aspect. There may be an underlying reason. Or, maybe she doesn't realize that her lack of wanting sex is affecting you in a negative way.

I have been in slumps at times. I read somewhere, I don't remember where, that having more sex increases your desire for sex. She may need to push herself at first, but once she starts getting it more, she'll want it more. Also, if possible, try to not engage in sex only at bedtime. At the end of a long day, I generally like to go to bed and go to sleep. While sex is usually at that time, it's nice to have it at other times of the day too. She may feel that sex is more of a duty and not enjoy it as much if it is put off until bedtime.

Obviously, you know your wife and the ins and outs of your relationship better than us, but that's my insight and some experiences that I have had with sex and lack of sex drive.

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I heard you sold it

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Seaver

Sex at bedtime is great, however dont try to START sex at bedtime. As I said, engage her mind so she's been thinking about it for hours. Dont just start kissing her when the lights are going out, before bed maybe make a warm bath with candles and wash her.