Still be friends? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Kyp · 05-30-2003, 03:43 PM

Well, this woman that I was with left me for another guy. She says her feelings for me still haven't changed, and she still loves me, but apparently she cares for this other guy more. She still wants to be friends, though. I still love her, and I know it'd be hard to just be friends with her, but I would really like to still have her in my life because she's one of the best friends I've ever had, even before we had gotten together. I'm just not sure if I could handle it with our feelings still being like they are, but not being able to do or say anything about it. What're you guys opinions? Any idea what I should do?

Slims · 05-30-2003, 03:55 PM

Just stay away for a while, let any wounds heal, and then go about the business of being friends, if that's the way you feel.

I have made the mistake of trying to jump straight from a relationship to being "just friends" and it just didn't work (too painfull and awkward for the both of us). I had to back off and we had to learn to live apart from each other. Now, almost a year later, we are just starting to do the whole friend thing again.

Besides, if you stay away for a while, she might realize how much she really misses you. Especially after her relationship with this new guy cools down a bit.

Shades · 05-30-2003, 07:27 PM

Hate to say it, but are you familiar with Ladder Theory? http://www.intellectualwhores.com Sounds to me like you're being set up for intellectual whoredom.

I mean, to be Devil's advocate here: she just up and decides to love some other guy more one day, but "still loves you". She either doesn't know the actual definition of love, is a total flake, or is nuts. Either choice, this isn't someone your heart is safe with. Get out now and don't look back.

HiThereDear · 05-30-2003, 08:02 PM

Don't do it! Get out of there, you're being kept around as both a threat to her new guy for leverage and someone she can go and fuck when her new guy screws her over.
Leykis 101 lol.

BBtB · 05-30-2003, 11:54 PM

Dont walk RUN. If she comes to you to be friends then cool. Go for it. If she dosn't come to you then... it wouldn't have worked had you stayed around anyway and you will be better off distancing from her. She has moved on. You need to as well. You will NOT be able to be friends with her untill you do. Period.

BBtB · 05-31-2003, 12:09 AM

And damnit shades. I just spent the last 15 minutes at http://www.intellectualwhores.com/ Just some whiner who can't get a date blaming woman again. Still amusing though. Defintly some truth in there though

Shades · 05-31-2003, 10:35 AM

Yeah BBtB, the guy definately has issues, but there's a little help in there (specifically, the seperate friends and fuckable ladders) to go with the bad (the pie charts aren't real great). And it is good enertainment.

HFrankenstein · 06-01-2003, 05:40 PM

<i>Never</i> try to be friends with someone whom you're in love with. It's way too much to have to deal with. Save your emotional strength for your next relationship.

rmarshall · 06-05-2003, 09:18 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by HFrankenstein
<i>Never</i> try to be friends with someone whom you're in love with. It's way too much to have to deal with. Save your emotional strength for your next relationship.

Right. And the next girlfriend will NOT want to hear about some ex-love-interest is still around. It's too easy to cheat with ex's.

My ex-girlfriend went back to her estranged husband. My sister's 2nd husband cheated with and went back with his ex-wife.

It happens all the time.

madsenj37 · 06-06-2003, 10:50 PM

She left another guy for you, and left you for another guy. She the pattern here? As for love, do not dissillusion yourself here. If you stay friends with her, it will most likely hurt. At the very least give yourself a cooling off period of a couple of months and see if you still just want to be friends with her.

ismark · 06-06-2003, 11:06 PM

If you want to stay friends why not exploit it and ask for a threesom, see how that plays with her mind

Frowning Budah · 06-07-2003, 01:22 PM

iSMARK, I like the way you think. Try that. You will either be back as a lover or won't have to be worried abt being freinds

Hedgehog · 06-08-2003, 08:03 PM

If you still love her, then you CAN'T be her friend. Until your feelings change (and they probably won't), don't offer to be friends.

Sparhawk · 06-08-2003, 08:10 PM

Don't be friends. Be acquaintances who see each other occasionally at mutual friends' parties. After 4-5 months, these events will stop being painful. Only after you see her and your stomach doesn't fall through to the floor are you allowed to talk to her again for more than 2 minutes.

justadude · 06-09-2003, 07:15 AM

agreed with the "run" comments...

it's gonna tear you up to see/hear her talk about another guy...

i just had the exact same thing happen, and when i think about it, a "friend" shouldn't betray someone like that and a "girl/boy friend" definitely shouldn't... so if you can't trust her as a girlfriend to not screw with your heart, why would you trust her as a friend...

just my thoughts...cause that's how i'm looking at my situation... #$% her...

JangoFett72 · 06-18-2003, 09:49 PM

I believe the rule of thumb is to avoid contact for at least six months and add one month for every year you were together.

splck · 06-19-2003, 05:32 AM

I agree with what people are saying here. Avoid contact for a long time. It's possible to be friends but I wouldn't count on it, especially if you still care for her.

sarcasmo · 07-01-2003, 05:29 PM

Don't do it! You CAN be friends with exes, but not when you say "I still love her". You can not be friends with someone you still love. And if you were truly in love, it will take a long time to get over it.

Anyways, there is a simple test to tell if you can be friends with her. If you think you could pass the test in your head, you are then required to actually perform the test in real life. The test is to get together for an evening with her and her new boyfriend. This is what friends do; they get together and have fun with each other. You should not bring along your significant other to make it more comfortable, although other friends are welcome. If seeing her close with another guy makes you want to rip his nuts off, sorry, you're not ready for friendship.

It is possible to get to a place where you are not all that jealous and wish the best for your ex in her relationships. This can be nice because you are friends but with a close past. Note, however, that this is never the same as being friends with someone with whom you have no romantic history.

And remember when you get together with her & the other guy, she's already told him he's much better in bed and has the biggest d*ck ever :-)

05-30-2003, 03:43 PM	#1 (permalink)
Kyp Insane Location: Oregon	Still be friends? Well, this woman that I was with left me for another guy. She says her feelings for me still haven't changed, and she still loves me, but apparently she cares for this other guy more. She still wants to be friends, though. I still love her, and I know it'd be hard to just be friends with her, but I would really like to still have her in my life because she's one of the best friends I've ever had, even before we had gotten together. I'm just not sure if I could handle it with our feelings still being like they are, but not being able to do or say anything about it. What're you guys opinions? Any idea what I should do? __________________ When life gives you lemons, sqeeze the juice into a squirt gun and shoot people in the eyes

05-30-2003, 03:55 PM	#2 (permalink)
Slims Eccentric insomniac Location: North Carolina	Just stay away for a while, let any wounds heal, and then go about the business of being friends, if that's the way you feel. I have made the mistake of trying to jump straight from a relationship to being "just friends" and it just didn't work (too painfull and awkward for the both of us). I had to back off and we had to learn to live apart from each other. Now, almost a year later, we are just starting to do the whole friend thing again. Besides, if you stay away for a while, she might realize how much she really misses you. Especially after her relationship with this new guy cools down a bit. __________________ "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

05-30-2003, 11:54 PM	#5 (permalink)
BBtB ClerkMan! Location: Tulsa, Ok.	Dont walk RUN. If she comes to you to be friends then cool. Go for it. If she dosn't come to you then... it wouldn't have worked had you stayed around anyway and you will be better off distancing from her. She has moved on. You need to as well. You will NOT be able to be friends with her untill you do. Period. __________________ Meridae'n once played "death" at a game of chess that lasted for over two years. He finally beat death in a best 34 out of 67 match. At that time he could ask for any one thing and he could wish for the hope of all mankind... he looked death right in the eye and said ... "I would like about three fiddy"

05-31-2003, 12:09 AM	#6 (permalink)
BBtB ClerkMan! Location: Tulsa, Ok.	And damnit shades. I just spent the last 15 minutes at http://www.intellectualwhores.com/ Just some whiner who can't get a date blaming woman again. Still amusing though. Defintly some truth in there though __________________ Meridae'n once played "death" at a game of chess that lasted for over two years. He finally beat death in a best 34 out of 67 match. At that time he could ask for any one thing and he could wish for the hope of all mankind... he looked death right in the eye and said ... "I would like about three fiddy"

06-01-2003, 05:40 PM	#8 (permalink)
HFrankenstein Crazy Location: New Jersey / Delaware	<i>Never</i> try to be friends with someone whom you're in love with. It's way too much to have to deal with. Save your emotional strength for your next relationship. __________________ When in doubt, sauerkraut.

05-30-2003, 07:27 PM	#3 (permalink)
Shades Insane	Hate to say it, but are you familiar with Ladder Theory? http://www.intellectualwhores.com Sounds to me like you're being set up for intellectual whoredom. I mean, to be Devil's advocate here: she just up and decides to love some other guy more one day, but "still loves you". She either doesn't know the actual definition of love, is a total flake, or is nuts. Either choice, this isn't someone your heart is safe with. Get out now and don't look back.

05-30-2003, 08:02 PM	#4 (permalink)
HiThereDear Insane	Don't do it! Get out of there, you're being kept around as both a threat to her new guy for leverage and someone she can go and fuck when her new guy screws her over. Leykis 101 lol.

05-31-2003, 10:35 AM	#7 (permalink)
Shades Insane	Yeah BBtB, the guy definately has issues, but there's a little help in there (specifically, the seperate friends and fuckable ladders) to go with the bad (the pie charts aren't real great). And it is good enertainment.

06-06-2003, 10:50 PM	#10 (permalink)
madsenj37 Still searching... Location: NorCal For Life	She left another guy for you, and left you for another guy. She the pattern here? As for love, do not dissillusion yourself here. If you stay friends with her, it will most likely hurt. At the very least give yourself a cooling off period of a couple of months and see if you still just want to be friends with her. __________________ "Only two things are certain: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not certain about the universe." -- Albert Einstein

06-06-2003, 11:06 PM	#11 (permalink)
ismark Crazy Location: Sydney	If you want to stay friends why not exploit it and ask for a threesom, see how that plays with her mind __________________ The Grumpy Old Bloke

06-07-2003, 01:22 PM	#12 (permalink)
Frowning Budah Slave of Fear	iSMARK, I like the way you think. Try that. You will either be back as a lover or won't have to be worried abt being freinds

06-08-2003, 08:03 PM	#13 (permalink)
Hedgehog Crazy Location: Charlotte, NC	If you still love her, then you CAN'T be her friend. Until your feelings change (and they probably won't), don't offer to be friends. __________________ Wait a minute! Where am I, and why am I in this handbasket?

06-08-2003, 08:10 PM	#14 (permalink)
Sparhawk Dubya Location: VA	Don't be friends. Be acquaintances who see each other occasionally at mutual friends' parties. After 4-5 months, these events will stop being painful. Only after you see her and your stomach doesn't fall through to the floor are you allowed to talk to her again for more than 2 minutes. __________________ "In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard. It's - and it's hard work. I understand how hard it is. I get the casualty reports every day. I see on the TV screens how hard it is. But it's necessary work. We're making progress. It is hard work."

06-09-2003, 07:15 AM	#15 (permalink)
justadude Upright	agreed with the "run" comments... it's gonna tear you up to see/hear her talk about another guy... i just had the exact same thing happen, and when i think about it, a "friend" shouldn't betray someone like that and a "girl/boy friend" definitely shouldn't... so if you can't trust her as a girlfriend to not screw with your heart, why would you trust her as a friend... just my thoughts...cause that's how i'm looking at my situation... #$% her...

06-18-2003, 09:49 PM	#16 (permalink)
JangoFett72 Tilted	I believe the rule of thumb is to avoid contact for at least six months and add one month for every year you were together.

06-19-2003, 05:32 AM	#17 (permalink)
splck it's jam Location: Lowerainland BC	I agree with what people are saying here. Avoid contact for a long time. It's possible to be friends but I wouldn't count on it, especially if you still care for her. __________________ nice line eh?

07-01-2003, 05:29 PM	#18 (permalink)
sarcasmo Upright Location: Canada	Don't do it! You CAN be friends with exes, but not when you say "I still love her". You can not be friends with someone you still love. And if you were truly in love, it will take a long time to get over it. Anyways, there is a simple test to tell if you can be friends with her. If you think you could pass the test in your head, you are then required to actually perform the test in real life. The test is to get together for an evening with her and her new boyfriend. This is what friends do; they get together and have fun with each other. You should not bring along your significant other to make it more comfortable, although other friends are welcome. If seeing her close with another guy makes you want to rip his nuts off, sorry, you're not ready for friendship. It is possible to get to a place where you are not all that jealous and wish the best for your ex in her relationships. This can be nice because you are friends but with a close past. Note, however, that this is never the same as being friends with someone with whom you have no romantic history. And remember when you get together with her & the other guy, she's already told him he's much better in bed and has the biggest d*ck ever :-)