Advice for commitment. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

crow_daw · 05-22-2005, 10:51 AM

Edit: Guys, I apologize, but I had to effectively delete this thread the best way I knew how because my privacy was invaded and my life destroyed.

It's a long, twisted story.

Either way, I apologize, and mods, if this isn't the way I should have went about this, please forgive me and delete it, close it, whatever you wish.

My sincerest apologies.

maleficent · 05-22-2005, 10:57 AM

You're very wise to realize that you aren't ready to get married and what a strain on your relationship it would put.

Not that you aren't a great guy, but it just sounds like she's trying to escape a bad situation and will take anything over what she has without giving it much thought and without realizing what a mistake it would be.

I truly believe that for people to be happy in a a life long relationship, they need to have a life by themselves before they can share a life wtih someone else, otherwise there are a lot of what mighthave been moments.

She's asked, you said no, I hope you gave her the honest reasons you gave here, she should be able to let that go for now. You aren't dumping her, you are just not ready for the next step. Time might change that.

You have to do what's right for you. At your age, you shouldn't have to alter your plans, which affect your future, for something that you don't want to do.

She'd be crazy to drop out of school now, is there anything she can do to make the relationship with her step father better?

crow_daw · 05-22-2005, 11:11 AM

ONCE AGAIN, DELETED.

MEAD · 05-22-2005, 12:04 PM

Shacking up with you is really not the best idea. At this point in her life she has to do things for herself. It's not advisable that she bring her problems into your life and living space. Try and figure out a different way for this to be resolved, living with you should not be an option at all, not only will it cause strain on your relationship, but it will also upset her parents, most likely.

lurkette · 05-22-2005, 12:25 PM

Moving in with you just to get away from a bad living situation is not a great solution. Surely she has friends or relatives in the town where she lives that she could ask to live with (my aunt did this to finish out her senior year when her family moved out of state).

Or she could practice being an adult and learning to make a bad situation livable. It's only a year. Surely she can figure out some way to make a truce with her stepfather. Alternatively, her mom must be aware that the relationship between her husband and her daughter is strained - would they be willing to do something like family counseling if she (your girlfriend) asked?

I applaud your maturity for knowing your own limitations and not caving to pressure from someone you care about.

twinkle · 05-22-2005, 03:10 PM

She should move in with a friend or another willing relative.

If you tell her you're doing this for the good of the relationship, she might not believe you now. But she'll be able to appreciate it later.

Zeraph · 05-22-2005, 03:42 PM

Once again great advice from TFP. I can really only support what they say here. I have no personal experience with a situation like this, but intuitively I think it would be a bad situation for her to move in with you. Not only is it not fair to you, but it may create dependency issues with her to where she jumps from man to man seeking someone to make her life better for her but never finding that someone.

Rodney · 05-22-2005, 07:28 PM

Agreed. She's not moving in with you, she's escaping from home. It's not the right reason for moving in together. I'm not saying she's calculating or trying to take advantage of you overtly. She's in a situation she doesn't like and doesn't know how to cope with, and she's flailing around for an answer, and you are an answer that would make all the pain go away immediately. But she hasn't thought about what might happen after. You're doing that, and you should.

guthmund · 05-22-2005, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

I truly believe that for people to be happy in a a life long relationship, they need to have a life by themselves before they can share a life wtih someone else, otherwise there are a lot of what mighthave been moments.

Exactly. Until you learn to be comfortable with yourself, how can you expect to be comfortable with someone else?

You are wise beyond your years, Crow. I don't see why you can't explain yourself (reservations and all) to your girlfriend. I would just make it absolutely clear that your hesitation to move in together isn't mistaken for rejection.

If she had no where to go that would be a different story, but make such a tremendous jump in the relationship (a jump that could possibly ruin the relationship) just because she's having a hard time...well, I hesitate to say because I don't know either of you, but I think your girlfriend is being a bit selfish.

chickentribs · 05-22-2005, 08:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crow_daw

Now the extenuating circumstances: She does not live what you would call a happy home life by any stretch of the word. She has extreme problems with her stepdad (but no physical abuse or anything). She is terribly unhappy where she is and has nowhere else to go. Who am I to turn her away? Even if she was just a friend, I would feel as if I owe it to her to allow her to live with me, and I love this girl. But I am also very afraid that if we take this big step at this point in time, the added stress will basically dismantle our relationship. I just don't think we're ready to live together, but it's almost as if there's no other choice. I cannot turn my back on her, it's just too selfish.

Tell me this isn't a dilemma.

Moving in together is a huge step in a relationship and shouldn't be treated as a matter of convenience. You might want to consider that she may be making more of this than is necessary as a way to latch on to you and limit your options and keep you in town. You told her that you were not ready for marriage, and that you were thinking of moving to the city for college, and suddenly there is no way she can live at home to get through high school and needs to move in with you?

There are plenty of other choices if things are that bad. The school would help her find a family to live with or there are shelters for teens that have serious issues at home (Huckleberry House, etc.). Be supportive, but don't allow her to guilt you into feeling responsible for saving her from a tough home life. Many, many people struggle with family tensions, especially at her age, and get through it just fine. Follow your instincts and don't be manipulated into something your not ready for.

05-22-2005, 10:51 AM	#1 (permalink)
crow_daw Idolator Location: Vol Country	Advice for commitment. Edit: Guys, I apologize, but I had to effectively delete this thread the best way I knew how because my privacy was invaded and my life destroyed. It's a long, twisted story. Either way, I apologize, and mods, if this isn't the way I should have went about this, please forgive me and delete it, close it, whatever you wish. My sincerest apologies. __________________ "We each have a star, all we have to do is find it. Once you do, everyone who sees it will be blinded." - Earl Simmons Last edited by crow_daw; 05-25-2005 at 07:14 PM..

05-22-2005, 10:57 AM	#2 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	You're very wise to realize that you aren't ready to get married and what a strain on your relationship it would put. Not that you aren't a great guy, but it just sounds like she's trying to escape a bad situation and will take anything over what she has without giving it much thought and without realizing what a mistake it would be. I truly believe that for people to be happy in a a life long relationship, they need to have a life by themselves before they can share a life wtih someone else, otherwise there are a lot of what mighthave been moments. She's asked, you said no, I hope you gave her the honest reasons you gave here, she should be able to let that go for now. You aren't dumping her, you are just not ready for the next step. Time might change that. You have to do what's right for you. At your age, you shouldn't have to alter your plans, which affect your future, for something that you don't want to do. She'd be crazy to drop out of school now, is there anything she can do to make the relationship with her step father better? __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

05-22-2005, 11:11 AM	#3 (permalink)
crow_daw Idolator Location: Vol Country	ONCE AGAIN, DELETED. __________________ "We each have a star, all we have to do is find it. Once you do, everyone who sees it will be blinded." - Earl Simmons Last edited by crow_daw; 05-25-2005 at 07:15 PM..

05-22-2005, 12:04 PM	#4 (permalink)
MEAD Insane Location: South Florida	Shacking up with you is really not the best idea. At this point in her life she has to do things for herself. It's not advisable that she bring her problems into your life and living space. Try and figure out a different way for this to be resolved, living with you should not be an option at all, not only will it cause strain on your relationship, but it will also upset her parents, most likely. __________________ Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die. "That's it, send out the ninjas!" "So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

05-22-2005, 12:25 PM	#5 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Moving in with you just to get away from a bad living situation is not a great solution. Surely she has friends or relatives in the town where she lives that she could ask to live with (my aunt did this to finish out her senior year when her family moved out of state). Or she could practice being an adult and learning to make a bad situation livable. It's only a year. Surely she can figure out some way to make a truce with her stepfather. Alternatively, her mom must be aware that the relationship between her husband and her daughter is strained - would they be willing to do something like family counseling if she (your girlfriend) asked? I applaud your maturity for knowing your own limitations and not caving to pressure from someone you care about. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

05-22-2005, 03:10 PM	#6 (permalink)
twinkle Upright	She should move in with a friend or another willing relative. If you tell her you're doing this for the good of the relationship, she might not believe you now. But she'll be able to appreciate it later.

05-22-2005, 03:42 PM	#7 (permalink)
Zeraph Banned Location: The Cosmos	Once again great advice from TFP. I can really only support what they say here. I have no personal experience with a situation like this, but intuitively I think it would be a bad situation for her to move in with you. Not only is it not fair to you, but it may create dependency issues with her to where she jumps from man to man seeking someone to make her life better for her but never finding that someone.

05-22-2005, 07:28 PM	#8 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	Agreed. She's not moving in with you, she's escaping from home. It's not the right reason for moving in together. I'm not saying she's calculating or trying to take advantage of you overtly. She's in a situation she doesn't like and doesn't know how to cope with, and she's flailing around for an answer, and you are an answer that would make all the pain go away immediately. But she hasn't thought about what might happen after. You're doing that, and you should.