Comprehend

When you have been dating someone long enough that you are past the friends stage and just entering gf/bf territory, how quickly do you mention the kind of relationship you had with your ex-partners? If they are curious, how do you handle it, especially if some of the outcomes were ... less than favorable? We are all curious to some extent, of course. Conversely, how much do you care about their past SO's, and do you think that that kind of info is best left to the past where it belongs?

In some ways, I'm torn about this. Being a guy, I've pretty much become accustomed to the trend I have seen that most girls will have at least a couple of ex-bf's. In contrast, again with my experience, many guy's aren't expected to have much relationship experience at all. There is one girl I have been dating for a month, but she is in frequent contact (albeit one level beyond complete strangers) with an especially bitter ex-gf of mine. Our mutual friends had always described myself and the ex as the perfect couple, and they "had never seen it coming". This past relationship ended in probably one of the most terrible ways, with words and dirty tricks exchanged mutually and on both sides. If I don't want to speak about it with my current GF, I suspect (strongly) that she will assume that I'm trying to hide things from her , or worse, that I still have feelings for this girl.

Although I think that some info on where I've failed could help in my current relationship, I feel like it could be disastrous in many ways. The past relationship involved alot of hurt from my lack of feelings, along with pretending to love a girl that I knew would never work for me. Although this isn't a problem in my current relationship, I'm almost certain it could sew a seed of doubt I can't afford. In this way, I'm not sure if the ex will talk to my girl about it, or if she already has and is testing me.

Anyway, I'm curious on any of your thoughts about this, or your thoughts in general about how you handle your ex's with your SO's.

bad jane

they ask, i answer. personally, i don't tend to volunteer that sort of info because i'm a rather private person when it comes to relationships (especially if the ex and current know one another or there is a chance they might meet).

if a current bf were to ask about my past--i'd be vague. if he wants to probe deeper, he can ask more questions. if i start feeling like it is more than he needs to know at that stage in the relationship, i tell him that. i handle info about their past in much the same way--if i'm not ready to hear all the details, i don't ask. but unless he murdered his previous gf, i can't think of much that would bother me. i'm not a subscriber to the philosophy that people don't change. i believe we are always changing and growing. while sometimes we are hurt by our partners and retaliate, or we simply make mistakes in a relationship--it doesn't mean we'd do the same thing if presented with similar circumstances in another relationship.

as to your situation, i'd be honest with your new gf. if she's interested in a relationship with you, then she has to be willing to accept your perspective of previous relationships. if she's going to base your feelings of her on what you had with a previous gf then she's really not ready to be in a serious relationship imo. people learn and they grow-up, hopefully she recognizes that.

but man...what the hell were you thinking dating a friend of your ex??? lol

El Kaz

I don't think such things should be planned or thought too much about.
If she asks a question, answer it (Golden rule: never ask a question if you don't want to know the answer).
If she doesn't ask, well don't make plans to tell her, it would sound like a conference (How was my relationship with the ex, by John Doe) and would end up pretty akward anyway. Chances are the infos are gonna get through by little bits, in casual conversations, and she'll eventualy get the big picture as she gets to know you better.

doncalypso

My view on the subject is that some things are better left unsaid. People (women especially) will ask you to be honest with a question but then will flip out and break down on you if you don't give the answer they want to hear.

I don't know about other men here on TFP, but if I ever get into another relationship after this one I'm currently in, I will keep my lips sealed about my past. I will gladly take STD tests to prove that I'm disease-free, but I will not volunteer any info about my past experiences because I know some women (if not most) can't handle the truth about a man's past if it's not what they want to hear.

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Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

VitaminH

I'm going to agree with above and say just don't bring it up unless she does. Discussing old relationships often only leads to problems and uncomfortable moments. Since she is friends with your ex, it may be inevitable, but I've never brought up old girlfriends with new interests unless first asked.

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"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."
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Comprehend

But damn, it felt like such a great idea at the time? I actually didn't know that they were friends until she brought it up.

Thanks for the comments guys and gals, its tricky but it should work out if I play my cards right

inglefinger

Just to add a quick note, if your previous relationship still leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, isn't it safe to say you may still have feelings towards the former girl? I'm not saying good feelings, but feelings nonetheless that may need to be dealt with someday before another relationship can come to full fruition.