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Old 11-19-2004, 12:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
superspanky36
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advice on curing shyness?

does anyone know a way to get over being shy? it's close to impossible for me to meet women now because i just cannot seem to find a way to talk to them until they've been around me a few days and i warm up to them. it used to be so easy when i worked or went to school with them because they were around me enough to get to know the real me, but now i have a job that is predominantly men and when i go out no women want to hang out with the guy that doesn't talk. any advice is greatly appreciated!
 
Old 11-19-2004, 12:36 PM   #2 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Lisle, IL
I have the same problem as you, and unfortunately there is no one thing you can do to remedy the situation. Small steps man, work in groups.. If your friends meet a group of girls, you can easily warm yourself up to the conversation while others are talking. If your friends are cool, they won't call you out on being quite and let you flow into it. For when your alone, I would say practice. You can do this by talking to sales women in stores. I don't mean like hitting on them, but just ask them questions regarding merchandise, get used to talking to strangers. Same thing in restaurants, just practice conversation with people. And then obviously, be prepared to humiliate your self when you do try to talk to women. That happens, and it has to happen for you to get any good at it.
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Old 11-19-2004, 12:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Location: My own little world (also Canada)
There a numerous routes you can go, but I'll just name a couple:
-You can imbibe intoxicants (not too many) before going out and trying to meet new girls. This has problems in that a) it doesn't work for everyone b) girls don't like drunk ass guys being stupid (if you drink too much) c) it can be harmful to your body and d) the side-effects involve motor skills/cognitive abilities as well. Advantage is that it's quick and easy to do.

-You can go to a counsellor/psychiatrist. There are cheap and perfectly serviceable solutions (such as grad student psych majors) for this. This has problems in that a) people feel weird about getting conselling, and it's even worse for shy people b) it does cost a bit of money (but can be as cheap as eating at McDonald's twice a week) c) you may have to "shop around", because different consellors use different psychological perspectives to try to help you d) it doesn't work for everyone either and e) it can take a while. Advantages: you may learn long-term coping skills for shyness, and it is not detrimental to your health in any fashion.

Actually, those are the main two I can think of. Most individual advice that you'll get will be sketchy, at best. Hearsay and "it worked for me" types of fixes are generally limited in scope, and you may go through a lot of different types of advice before finding something that works, if you find something that works for you at all. Also, a lot of it is totally unhelpful such as "dude, just go talk to them" or "yeah, I used to be like that, but now I'm not so you can do it!" Don't get me wrong; they're nice sentiments normally (although sometimes not), but the helpful factor is in low if even existent.

edit: I just read Dingo's advice, and I agree on the part about being in groups (I know this counts as "individual advice", but it's a pseudo-consensus :P ). If you're there with people you know, the focus is taken off of you; problem is, this doesn't necessarily help with your shyness, it just allows you to interact while still having it.

Last edited by Suave; 11-19-2004 at 12:44 PM..
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Old 11-19-2004, 12:52 PM   #4 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: Dallas, Tx
its pretty easy actually. ask questions. start with one and build from the answer you get. also you need to get in the frame of mind that it doesnt matter what others think of you...i only say this because you said "...around me enough to get to know the real me" ...well if you didnt care what others thought you would be you all the time.

so ya ask questions and stop worrying what those ladies think of you.
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Old 11-19-2004, 01:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
Psycho
 
keyshawn's Avatar
 
you could try the don juan bible :D

http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/djbc.pdf

Some of the articles in there are not bad; though some Others are just a waste of time.....

[I actually found out about it from another post on TFP]

Ultimately, though, I second the recommendation to see a counselor/physchiatrist

Last edited by keyshawn; 11-19-2004 at 01:43 PM.. Reason: clarification
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Old 11-19-2004, 02:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Canada!
I can't tell you what to say and do to women ... however I have advice for getting over shyness. I've personally found the best way to get over fears is to do things that scare you. Start small.

I used to be so painfully shy, I wouldn't ask a store clerk for the time of day. Find something small and PUSH yourself hardcore to do it. Pick something that isn't as "risky" in your mind as approaching a girl. I know it sounds like the two aren't related, but by overcoming smaller fears, you will it easier to overcome your bigger fears... and shyness really is a fear.

Keep pushing yourself, work up to things. It's always hard, but you can make it easier. Now, most people would consider me an outgoing person, unafraid to do anything. I am afraid of things still, but for the most part, I'm able to go out and do anything I feel I want to, need to, or should do.

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Old 11-19-2004, 02:10 PM   #7 (permalink)
Upright
 
I've been getting better. I generally don't feel like I have much to add to a conversation when it's a group of people. But I've started to say whatever does come to mind and, by getting into the conversation, you end up having more to say with whatever results.

I mostly don't have a problem talking to someone I've never talked to before. As long as my talking to them has a purpose. It's making small talk that I suck at (but as per the first paragraph, it's getting better.)
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Old 11-19-2004, 03:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Finland
That's why they serve alcohol at bars. Just take a few drinks to loose your inhibitions, but do it in moderation. Ok maybe it's not a long term solution but it might work. And the comment about not caring what others think of you is a good one. I'm a shy guy myself and still working on getting over it.
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Old 11-19-2004, 04:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: Louisiana
Try doing what I did to get over my shyness and insecurity. Whenever I saw a cute girl, I smiled at her. You don't always get smiles back, but when you do, it boosts your confidence a lot. Baby steps, man...
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Old 11-19-2004, 05:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
superspanky36
Guest
 
thanks everyone for all the great advice. i should get to try most of it out this weekend the alcohol does work i know that but i dont wanna turn into an alcoholic lol.
 
Old 11-19-2004, 08:27 PM   #11 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: Texas
I am very shy too, and it takes a lot for me to warm up to a person. I tend to grab a drink and just go have fun randomly talking to girls. It can almost get to be a game for me, even though it feels uncomfortable. Then again, I rock climb and have a fear of heights so I may just be abnormal.
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Old 11-20-2004, 02:03 AM   #12 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Wellington, New Zealand
try this, go instant messaging, work out what you can say in EVERY situation then apply it to real life situations. Knowing what to respond helps with confidence GREATLY
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