dalnet22

I've known these two people since 3rd grade, and today I'm a week away from going to college. A few years ago they became a couple during high school, and they've at times seemed to be more in love than anyone I've ever seen. The girl is one of my best friends, and she's told me how she intends on living the rest of her life with him.

I've noticed in the past how they would get into arguments and bad fights at times. The guy is kinda off kilter mentally because he has ADD, so sometimes he gets into bad mood swings. He's never hurt her physically, but I know how he's hurt her a lot emotionally. Still, she's said time and again how she has no intention of ever leaving him. But it really bothers me when I hear her talk about their relationship. She's told me how he never calls her, how he never wants to do anything because he refuses to spend money, and how he gets mad at her alot. He's calls her a bitch and gets mad when she's over at his house and they have nothing to do. This stuff bothers me so much because I've always thought that she and I would have been better off together. I just can't see how you'd want to be with someone who does that stuff because I could never imagine hurting her like that. I just feel like it's going to catch up with her some day when she finds out she made a mistake. Or maybe she won't, I can't say. All I know is that the way he acts toward her is ridiculous; if she was with me, she would be so much happier.

I'm not stupid. I know that it would be bad to try and break them up, so I just keep to my sad self and wish I could meet someone like her. But I'm a week away from leaving this place, and I may not see her again for a while if ever. Basically, I just feel like I should tell her how I think she made a mistake, but I don't know how it would help... I don't know. Should I just shut up and not tell her how I can't imagine how she can be with someone who calls her a bitch? What should I do?

Talon Valdez

If she's staying in that relationship willingly, it sounds like she might have some emotional issues, but that's beside the point.

I personally would tell her. It might help her "see the light" so to speak, and it will benefit you also seeing as it won't always be eating at you that you could've done this and could've done that.

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MSD

ADD doesn't cause mood swings and abusive behavior.

plyswellwthself

If she isn't ready to listen it's not gonna do any good to say anything. On the other hand if u think she's ready then scream it to her as LOUD as u can. Living life with someone that treats u like that is awful and it will only get worse. I urge u if u can read her at all then figure it out fast and do it before it's too late and pray she's ready to hear. I have been in TOO many HORRID positions just beggin inside for someone to tell me that it's wrong and give me some guidance and maybe that's what she's waiting for.

Seaver

Dont do it, just bite your tongue is my suggestion.

For the remaining days she will probably not want to hang around you, and for the remaining years there will always be an awkwardness that will never leave.

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Carno

Tell her you're concerned about her because of the way her boyfriend treats her. Don't mention your feelings for her or she will assume that you are only telling her this so you can get with her.

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The Phenomenon

Tell her and get it over with. Tell her how you feel. If the results are bad, you're leaving anyway.

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maleficent

Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.... and it is abuse.

She may not see it that way. She may not want to see it that way.

If she's in love, she's not going to see it that way. Love has a way of making people blind to the outside world.

It sounds kind of clinical, but I'd start documenting how he treats her, and present her with cold hard evidence. Then do some research that shows that the long term effects that regular emotional abuse can have on a person. (it wouldn't be too difficult to find)

If he's been doing this for a while, her self-esteem has got to be taking a big hit. She's going to need to know that she has a friend to turn to - -not just someone who wants to be her next boyfriend.

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98MustGT

Are they going to college together ?

After high school things tend to pull people apart.

dalnet22

Thanks for the replies. Yes they are going to a community college near their homes, so they'll still be living near eachother.

I would like to be her boyfriend, but it's not that I want to get with her or anything. I just can't see how she can love him because I've known him for a long time. I know how he is, and the things she complains about bother me. I could never imagine hurting her like that, so I know she would be better off with me that him.

I like the idea of documenting what he does to her and explaining how that's stuff is abuse. I'm going to think it over though before I do anything.

Delvid

Stay out of it. Move along with your life.

pinkie

People don't change because you tell them to. They change when they are ready and able. Giving your input one time would be sufficient, but I doubt will change anything in her. It's up to her.

AfterBurn

i know a lot of people in your situation man, theres like nothing you could do pretty much, its up to her to make the descisions

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exizldelfuego

Basically, you're leaving for college and won't be seeing these people for some time. And when you do, it won't be for very long. Given this, I wouldn't tell her that you'd like to be with her. Keep that to yourself because you're about to enter into a whole different world, with a completely different set of people, and you are about to become a somewhat different person. You will find someone else. Someone who will be more fitting for who you will become as opposed to someone who fits you right now.

But as a friend to her, I think you should tell her that she shouldn't be with this guy. And as MrSelfDestruct said, ADD doesn't cause people to be jerks. He's just a jerk. Maleficent's idea is a good one, but you're not going to be around to document such treatment. If I were in your place I'd say something along the lines of:

"I've known you for a long time, we're pretty good friends, and I'm about to leave. As your friend, I feel obliged to say that this guy you're with is bad news. He might be a great guy with redeeming qualities, but he doesn't treat you how you deserve to be treated. You're being treated very poorly and it pains me to see it because you're so much better than that. Don't get sucked into this guy's life. And I just want you to know that if you ever need some friendly support, feel free to call me or visit me anytime."

I understand how you feel. I had a crazy crush on a friend from high school when I went off to college, and the following year she hooked up with some guy who had a lot of qualities that really jived with the type of person she was, but at the drop of a dime could be a complete asshole to her for no apparent (or some incredibly stupid) reason. And just because there were no physical bruises doesn't mean that it wasn't abuse. After she went elsewhere for college and broke up with the guy, it took her a good while to really recuperate from the whole ordeal.

BooRadley

Don't tell her a thing.

Why ?

You are too biased. She may complain about how she's being treated, but so often do girls make mountains out of molehills. You may see it as "emotional abuse"... the rest of her friends may see it as "ordinary lovers quarrels".

The only one who can really tell is her, and it is up to her to get out of the situation. I suspect you've already told her how you feel in one form or the other... and just are asking this question to see how blunt you should get.

You somehow hope to help her out, for whatever reason.. but your opinions aren't completely fair as long as you WOULD date her. You subconciously want to play the knight in shining armor, the "other" guy, the "nice guy", the underappreciated hero..but it won't work. I've been there.

Go find another girl, get your own significant other, and after you've had her awhile, go back and tell your friend that she's being abused if you like. I doubt you'll even care by the point... but if you do, you'll have an unbiased reason to tell her.

dalnet22

Valid points, thank you.

ruggerp11

I was in a similar situation (still kind of am) but in the reverse. One of my buddies is getting married to this woman we called the 'ice queen.' She never talked to us (in the three years I have known him I have said maybe a paragraph of words to her) and though I didn't observe it directly my other roomates (who were roomates longer with him than I) related stories of her just belittling him and being vocally abusive too. I am still undecided but I am not going to the wedding. None of us are, knowing me I wouldn't say anything but when that time came (...speak now or forever hold your piece) I would cough loudly or something similar. I just hope he doesn't end up stuck in something bad just because they're married.

Don't really have advice, but believe me you're not alone.

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