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Old 07-27-2004, 04:05 AM   #1 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Chicago
Should I give up?

So this girl and I have been dating for almost two years now. I'm a senior in college, she's a year behind me. Things were going great until last semester when we both went abroad, both to the UK but me in Scotland, her in England. While there she really grew a lot as a person and became a lot more independent. We saw each other for about 4 weeks total throughout the 6 months we were there and things were still pretty good. Now that we're both back home for the summer before our school starts again, me in DC, her in Ohio, she said she wanted to take a break. I still am in love with her but there wasn't much I could do about it so we're on a break. During this time she still says she loves me, can't wait to get back to school together, and she's committed to the relationship. She just said she was having a lot of fun with her friends there and didn't want to have the responsibility of having a relationship. I could understand that, she told me it wasn't about wanting to be with other people, just that she didn't want to feel like she had to come home to call me all the time. So we started talking once or twice a week on the phone and I was probably pretty depressed but that's only natural right? Anyways, my dog died on friday and it was a big deal for me so I call her. We have a good talk but I was really upset and was bringing up stuff I know I shouldn't have, like bugging her about her friends trying to make sure she wasn't dating or whatever. I still think I have good reason to think that she is but I apologized for bringing that all up and we agreed to talk on sunday because she said she'd be home and really wanted to talk. When I call her house on sunday she's not home. I call her cell phone and she's turned it off. I call her house later she's still not there. I'm kinda pissed that she changed her plans but only because she didn't just tell me. If she had done that I would have been find, I figure she'll call me or email me the next day (yesterday). I call her in the morning and she doesn't pick up her cell phone. I call in the afternoon and it's off. I call her in the evening and it's still off. My thoughts were I'll try calling her again this morning, and if that doesn't work just assume she's probably done with relationship. Am I totally over-reacting to think she's doing this all on purpose? Is she avoiding me? I just don't understand how we've gone from a great relationship, a break where she said I can call her anytime I want, to her not answering or turning on her phone. Any advice?
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Old 07-27-2004, 04:27 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: Chicago
Do what she's doing - go out and have some fun with your friends. Don't sit and pine for her and worry about what she might or might not be doing, think about yourself.

Then revisit the conversation when school starts up again, but don't be surprised is she does want to end it, you said it yourself, she grew a lot as a person, that would also mean her likes and dislikes and hopes and dreams also changed, doesnt mean anything at all negative about her -- (but I won't use the it's not you, it's her line - but it truly is)

Go out and have some fun -- don't worry about it right now...
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Old 07-27-2004, 05:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Location: east of the sun and west of the moon
Don't give up - it's only been two days! For all you know, some emergency could have come up, or some great opportunity, or who knows what. Yeah, it sucks that you're not always on her mind and that she didn't let you know about plans changing, but trust that you'll reach her soon, and you can talk about the "status" of your relationship. To be fair, you are on a mutually agreed upon break, which means she's not going to be paying as much attention to you. It sounds like your expectations are different from hers, in terms of how much she's acting (or not acting) like you guys are still dating.

So take a deep breath, know that she loves you but love doesn't always mean undivided attention, and go out and have fun on your own.
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Old 07-27-2004, 09:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Chicago
I am trying to get out more, thanks for that support. I know that's what'll make this all go by easier. I just wrote her and said that when ever she feels like calling me, she can and should, but I probably won't be calling her much because I don't want her to feel confined or anything like that. I'm trying not to sound to depressed about all this and keep an open mind for the future. Thanks for the help guys.
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Old 07-27-2004, 09:21 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Location: Amish-land, PA
::insert standard 'girls suck' comment here::

Yes, this has happened to me too. Not to sound corny (or quote bad TV commercials), but living well is the best revenge. But don't, above anything else, try too hard at what you're doing, or try to purposefully hurt her.

I think the happiest point in my life is when I actually gave up on it. Not giving up on living - ie, suicide - but giving up on life as a social element. At that point, I stopped caring what people thought of me, what the future held, and any possible social consequences for my actions. I started doing things that I wanted to do, simply because I wanted to do them.

Enjoy your summer. Go have a wonderful time with your friends. Don't worry about her anymore. She'll always end up being on your mind, but don't let that control your feelings. In the fall, you might be back together. Or, equally possible, you'll be so confident in your new self that you won't want to take her back.
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Old 07-27-2004, 09:22 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Fort Worth, TX
I dont know, maybe I'm more jaded as a person but it sounds to me like she's already seeing another guy.

As for you do what they've told you, go out with your buddies. Dont call her let her call you (that will be the acid test). If she calls you the same amount as she did before the break she's still yours, but if she stops calling the same amount... it means she has other peple on her mind.
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Old 07-27-2004, 09:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: exploring my new home in SF
Go get drunk. Get fucking rowdy with the boys. Do something you have never done before. Dress to the nines and go to an upscale bar. Go to a concert. Play soccer in the park. Throw on some hard music and go driving with a friend. Start excercising. You're at home now, call up an old friend from HS and hang out. find a beach and lay out. Have a party when your parents are gone. Meet new people even if its on the internet.

The greatest thing that happened to me was that I realized that I don't need another person to make me happy, thats my job. Fuck them, she knows you were going to call, even if something bad happened shes doing it on purpose. Don't do anything drastic (like sleep around or whatever) but do something memorable. Something different. There are countless things to do that you can have fun doing.

Go get drunk.
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Old 07-27-2004, 11:28 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: Yonder
You can't live her life for her. Give her a little space.

Go find something else to focus on for a while.
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Old 07-27-2004, 11:39 AM   #9 (permalink)
* * *
 
Quote:
During this time she still says she loves me, can't wait to get back to school together, and she's committed to the relationship. She just said she was having a lot of fun with her friends there and didn't want to have the responsibility of having a relationship.
I can't believe no-one has said anything about this:

There is no such thing as a committed relationship without responsibility. The idea of such a thing is absolutely absurd.

It appears to me that you don't really have a relationship at all.
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Old 07-27-2004, 12:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by ratbastid
You can't live her life for her. Give her a little space.

Go find something else to focus on for a while.
Sounds like a pretty good summarization to me. I would add too, that you can't live YOUR life for her either. Don't just sit there waiting for her to come around.

Give her the space she is asking for. Learn how to get through life without her. If you guys get back together, you'll both have a fresh perspective on what you want out of the relationship.

It sounds like you are both pretty young(late teens - early 20's). There is still so much to learn about yourselves and living life, to be getting all bound up about this.
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Old 07-30-2004, 10:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: Earth
Just take a break and live.. As a freind said to me take your time if your ment to be together then it will happen.. seems like you both are still looking..

I don't know what works I've been married for only 20 yrs. it just that I found the one. But its your call. Can't make that one for you. I'm not you
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Last edited by Buzz; 07-30-2004 at 10:10 PM..
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Old 07-31-2004, 01:53 AM   #12 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Mungummery, Alabammmmmmma
Keep in mind that a relationship is only what you bring to it and put into it. Now, review her actions--and yours--in that light. She wanted a free summer, eh? Okay. But wait, were YOU allowed the same freedom? It doesn't sound like you took advantage of it to me.
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Old 07-31-2004, 07:12 AM   #13 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Japan
In the words of Dez from Coal Chamber "If it's meant to be, then set it free. If it's meant to be, it'll come back you see." Let her go, and if she comes back around when school starts up again, she's yours. If you live life this summer, if she doesn't come back to you when school starts you'll know that you can live without her.
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Old 07-31-2004, 09:51 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Location: Amish-land, PA
You can always live without her. This is perhaps the best quote I've ever heard on the TFP:
"First time - forgive and forget. Second time, forgive. If it happens a third, don't go back".

I've had the same girl play with me all too many times. I'm telling you man, no girl is worth the emotional crap that they seem to put you through. You'll find the right one. This girl doesn't seem to be it. She wants to be "free" for one summer? Let her be free for all the summers of her life.
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