Girlfriend advice- Being "needy" - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

-Ever- · 07-05-2004, 10:03 PM

I'm going to ask this question and leave out much detail about our relationship. I was going to explain everything, but I think that takes away from the root of the problem here, 'fundamentals'.

Simply put, we're both 21 and have been dating for almost a year. We're both madly in love with eachother. I'd like to say that I've got more experience with past relationships, however she's very bright when it comes to giving love.

We've been fighting lately. I'd like to think that I'm very rational when it comes to arguing. I think she's been more emotional rather than rational, but this could be wrong (what else would you expect from a beautiful girl!

) After a long weekend spent together and a few arguments, I think these problems are spawning from the typical 'needy' bug.

She's living at home now for the first time since high school and is hating it. We're headed to San Diego to finish up college, so there is a light at the end of this! However, most of her friends are back in San Diego and througout, so we're always seeing eachother. This is my rationale about why she has become a little needy.

My question is this: What is the best way to deal with this? We discussed this for the first time tonight and it went pretty well. I'm glad she was open minded to hear me talk about her and how I feel she's changed. My concern is that this neediness probably can't change overnight, and I don't expect it to. However is this a personal thing that I shouldn't expect to change? I hate forcing people to change, and I don't believe that one should hang out, waiting for a natural change.

Thanks for any insight guys. I'm very interested in making this relationship work out, however as far as my persona goes, this issue could become pretty dangerous if it wasn't tamed correctly, however I don't want to hurt her and change her if I'm not in the possition to.

Take care

-T

Rodney · 07-05-2004, 10:15 PM

She deserves to know how you feel, and how you perceive her actions and behavior. Unless you're trying emotional blackmail, which I doubt, this kind of communication is important for a healthy couple. It's not forcing a change, it's expressing how you feel. She will react to that, one way or another, but that's just what the give and take in a relationship is all about.

Seaver · 07-05-2004, 10:43 PM

Women and men think completely different. What is plainly obvious to one makes absolutely no sense to the other.

Keep up the conversation, keep communication channels open and you both will do just fine. She is being needy (I imagine) because she is feeling that all her non-family emotional connections have been severed. So she is unconsiously looking for someone to fill the void (you). Her being needy is her way of ensuring that you still care about her while her other emotional ties get strained.

She lives at home, with few or no friends. Have you ever spent a week at home after college? there's not much to do unless your old HS buddies are there. Take them out of the picture and that's what she's going through. Add the fact that her love is living far away... and her picturing you having fun every night while she sits infront of the tv. You can see how she wants to see/talk to you constantly.

Will this get better? I'm pretty sure it will once she gets back to college and can hang out with her friends again.

wonderwench · 07-06-2004, 07:54 AM

I concur with Seaver. I returned to live with my family after my freshman year in college. It was horrible. I think many of us regress when we go back to the family patterns after our fledgling flight as an adult.

maleficent · 07-06-2004, 08:08 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Seaver
She lives at home, with few or no friends. Have you ever spent a week at home after college?

\

It's not his problem that she has no friends.

I'm reading way too much into this... but this behavior in her should be sending up huge warning flags as to her true personality.

Her life has to come from her, not from him.

Women like that drive me absolutely insane, because there's no excuse for it. They expect their happiness to be supplied by someone else, and not from themselves -- She's at the point in her life where she needs to be getting some independence, not dependence --(she's going from dependence on family to dependence on boyfriend)

Suggest she find some activities to keep her busy and to get her out on her own for a bit.

st33lr4t · 07-06-2004, 08:58 AM

been there done that. i was dependant on my last couple of women. sounds to me like she needs to find herself. she needs to be able to be happy by herself. i think the main thing here is she needs to realize this and do something about. i wouldnt look at it as change. for me it was a new lifestyle.

im happy to hear that you are willing to go through this with her. Hope all goes well.

-Ever- · 07-06-2004, 09:42 AM

Thanks for all the replies guys.

Regarding Maleficient's post, I think there is much truth in this. I'm definitely willing to deal with it (assuming there's progression), as the other people recomended, however it does come from something a bit deeper. This is why I asked in my original post if I should worry about it and even expect a solid change in the long run.

For her recent 21'st birthday, I bought her the Lord of the Rings trilogy hoping that she could get lost in it for a bit and maybe ease her mind from the boringness of suburban life. I think she's yet to get hooked, and on top of that, she works virtually all the time.

Thanks again for the comments guys.
-T

-Ever- · 07-07-2004, 09:43 AM

bump, for any other opinions.

Kazic · 07-07-2004, 07:03 PM

Not sure if this applies but when you are in love and spending time together it sometimes spawns wanting to spend more time with that person.
Not to say that some independence isan't good for you or her though.
I guess it comes down to comfortability. If you are uncomfortable and need a little more space than her. best thing to do is talk about it. no need in getting resentful for her wanting to and you not.

07-05-2004, 10:03 PM	#1 (permalink)
-Ever- Junkie Location: San Francisco	Girlfriend advice- Being "needy" I'm going to ask this question and leave out much detail about our relationship. I was going to explain everything, but I think that takes away from the root of the problem here, 'fundamentals'. Simply put, we're both 21 and have been dating for almost a year. We're both madly in love with eachother. I'd like to say that I've got more experience with past relationships, however she's very bright when it comes to giving love. We've been fighting lately. I'd like to think that I'm very rational when it comes to arguing. I think she's been more emotional rather than rational, but this could be wrong (what else would you expect from a beautiful girl! ) After a long weekend spent together and a few arguments, I think these problems are spawning from the typical 'needy' bug. She's living at home now for the first time since high school and is hating it. We're headed to San Diego to finish up college, so there is a light at the end of this! However, most of her friends are back in San Diego and througout, so we're always seeing eachother. This is my rationale about why she has become a little needy. My question is this: What is the best way to deal with this? We discussed this for the first time tonight and it went pretty well. I'm glad she was open minded to hear me talk about her and how I feel she's changed. My concern is that this neediness probably can't change overnight, and I don't expect it to. However is this a personal thing that I shouldn't expect to change? I hate forcing people to change, and I don't believe that one should hang out, waiting for a natural change. Thanks for any insight guys. I'm very interested in making this relationship work out, however as far as my persona goes, this issue could become pretty dangerous if it wasn't tamed correctly, however I don't want to hurt her and change her if I'm not in the possition to. Take care -T __________________ Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster... --Acknowledge your weaknesses-- Last edited by -Ever-; 07-05-2004 at 10:06 PM..

07-06-2004, 09:42 AM	#7 (permalink)
-Ever- Junkie Location: San Francisco	Thanks for all the replies guys. Regarding Maleficient's post, I think there is much truth in this. I'm definitely willing to deal with it (assuming there's progression), as the other people recomended, however it does come from something a bit deeper. This is why I asked in my original post if I should worry about it and even expect a solid change in the long run. For her recent 21'st birthday, I bought her the Lord of the Rings trilogy hoping that she could get lost in it for a bit and maybe ease her mind from the boringness of suburban life. I think she's yet to get hooked, and on top of that, she works virtually all the time. Thanks again for the comments guys. -T __________________ Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster... --Acknowledge your weaknesses--

07-07-2004, 09:43 AM	#8 (permalink)
-Ever- Junkie Location: San Francisco	bump, for any other opinions. __________________ Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster... --Acknowledge your weaknesses--

07-07-2004, 07:03 PM	#9 (permalink)
Kazic Psycho Location: Fortress of Solitude	Not sure if this applies but when you are in love and spending time together it sometimes spawns wanting to spend more time with that person. Not to say that some independence isan't good for you or her though. I guess it comes down to comfortability. If you are uncomfortable and need a little more space than her. best thing to do is talk about it. no need in getting resentful for her wanting to and you not. __________________ "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

07-05-2004, 10:15 PM	#2 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	She deserves to know how you feel, and how you perceive her actions and behavior. Unless you're trying emotional blackmail, which I doubt, this kind of communication is important for a healthy couple. It's not forcing a change, it's expressing how you feel. She will react to that, one way or another, but that's just what the give and take in a relationship is all about.

07-05-2004, 10:43 PM	#3 (permalink)
Seaver Junkie Location: Fort Worth, TX	Women and men think completely different. What is plainly obvious to one makes absolutely no sense to the other. Keep up the conversation, keep communication channels open and you both will do just fine. She is being needy (I imagine) because she is feeling that all her non-family emotional connections have been severed. So she is unconsiously looking for someone to fill the void (you). Her being needy is her way of ensuring that you still care about her while her other emotional ties get strained. She lives at home, with few or no friends. Have you ever spent a week at home after college? there's not much to do unless your old HS buddies are there. Take them out of the picture and that's what she's going through. Add the fact that her love is living far away... and her picturing you having fun every night while she sits infront of the tv. You can see how she wants to see/talk to you constantly. Will this get better? I'm pretty sure it will once she gets back to college and can hang out with her friends again.

07-06-2004, 07:54 AM	#4 (permalink)
wonderwench Banned	I concur with Seaver. I returned to live with my family after my freshman year in college. It was horrible. I think many of us regress when we go back to the family patterns after our fledgling flight as an adult.

07-06-2004, 08:58 AM	#6 (permalink)
st33lr4t Psycho Location: Dallas, Tx	been there done that. i was dependant on my last couple of women. sounds to me like she needs to find herself. she needs to be able to be happy by herself. i think the main thing here is she needs to realize this and do something about. i wouldnt look at it as change. for me it was a new lifestyle. im happy to hear that you are willing to go through this with her. Hope all goes well.