Jim Kata

Whats up TFPers? Haven't posted here in a while, but I know I can count on you for good advice and different ways of seeing things.

Here is the situation. I love my girl. Together for 3 years, we've had a couple of problems, but nothing major.
Now, I was just called selfish. Why you ask? Well, because I don't want to take her home every Saturday night.
Now, some background info. may be needed here.
She lives about 50 minutes away...driving time. She does come out to my house like 5 times a week. I try to go over there on the days that she doesn't come over here, but granted, it isn't nearly as much as she does.
HER "profile":
College Student. No classes during summer. During Spring and Fall semesters she has 2 or maybe 3 classes a day, not including weekends or Fridays. And on two of those other days, she doesn't have class until after noon....easily.
During the summer she doesn't work..and if she does, she works for her family business for like 3 or 4 hours every once in a while but not before noon.
So basically, she sleeps in for however long she wants except for maybe 2 days in the week when school is in session where she wakes up around 6:00 am.
ME: Work 40 hours a week at one job. 9 hours at another job. And taking 2 classes at the community college per semester.
I wake up at about 6:30 am everyday. Yes everyday. Even weekends when I don't have work or school. I do fall back asleep but usually am fully awake by 8:00 - 8:30 on the weekends. Falling asleep isn't too easy for me so I usually go asleep around Midnight (at least try to).

Now....Saturdays she comes to my house and we hang out and have a great day and then around midnight, I have to take her home. So I drive 1 hour and 40 minutes (give or take) total to take her home. There have been times where I almost fall asleep. Actually that is about 3 out 5 times. Like hallucinating while driving and what not.
The next day I drive back out there, pick her up and we hang out all day and she drives home, and is home around midnight. Around midnight every night unless she isn't driving.
At first I would drive her home cause she would drink some and I didn't want her to drive drunk. Now she hardly drinks anything and I still drive her home. I do have the option of taking a nap before I take her home to get some rest which helps, if I can actually fall asleep (which I rarely do).

Anyways...she lives with her folks, so she doesn't like staying over at my house even though her mom is cool with it once in a while, but she gets nervous cause of her dad (who is pretty strict). So sometimes when I was really sleepy, I would just go to her house to drop her off and then just sleep there for a few hours and then wake up and leave. But I find out that her Dad doesn't like it when we do that, even though we sleep on two seperate floors.

I can sort of understand that...cause who knows what we did before we went to our seperate floors or whatever, which never has been anything when they are home.

So one day, I don't remember how, we got into an argument about it, because I said that I hate taking her home so late on Saturday nights because I'm worried about crashing on the way home. Well we got to some light yelling and she says "FINE, don't take me home Saturday Nights! But don't expect me to come out there all the time, because I just want that one day not to drive, so I'll take that whenever." or something along those lines. I'm sure I'm making her out to be a bigger bitch than she is, cause she is a sweetheart and does just about anything for me.

So today I told her that I want to have a drunken week since work has been kicking my ass, and that she gets to be my Designated Driver.
And she was like "even Saturday?"
And I said "yes" , because she said herself that I don't have to drive her home on Saturdays. (I'm a believer in don't say it if you don't mean it, and she knows that)
Then she said "You are sooo SELFISH. I just want that one day. When I say I'm tired you make fun of me when I have to drive home from your house."
And I said, "Thats because you are just sitting around all day and you don't really have any reason to be that tired all the time. You sleep til 10 am and are asleep by midnight."

Its one thing to drive sit around for a few hours or whatever and then drive back. Compared to drive there, and drive right back.

Well that was the last time we spoke, about 2 hours ago.

So, how can I explain to her more that I just don't want to die driving home from her house at 1:30 AM on Saturday night/Sunday Morning without causing this argument which always happens when it comes to her precious Saturday Night Chauffer service.

Smack some sense into me, or tell me how I can talk sense to her about it. Or any suggestion on how to work it out.

Oh, and we do plan on getting married so any "DUDE, just break up with her comments" aren't really gonna be takin seriously....well .... yeah, they won't.

Thanks.
Mr. KATA

edit: please excuse the bad grammar and puncuation.

maleficent

A person who's not held a job, nor lived away from home is going to have a tough time understanding the real world. Right now she lives in a very sheltered place, and that's fine for her age, but you live in the real world. Sometimes, world's collide.

May spending more time apart will help. That's a healthy hike if she's doing it 5 days a week. Cut it down to 2 or 3 and she might be more reasonable about the weekends.

It's not fair that you should be expected to drive her home, then turn around and drive yourself home. That's a lot of driving, how would she feel if you were in an accident because you were tired, does she even know that possibility exists?

Think long and hard about marriage. If you are having trouble agreeing on this, what will happen when big issues come up?

Good luck

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Jim Kata

Well, the way I see it...the only reason this is happening is because we aren't married. If we were married, driving her home wouldn't even be an issue. And all of our other problems..we have ironed out pretty damn well. This is just something we can't seem to agree on.

maleficent

If this is the only thing you can't agree on - honestly in the grand scheme of things - how important is it really?

Is she willing to reach any compromises - every other week she drives herself home or stays over, or vice versa...

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dimbulb

It seems to me that she's the selfish one, not you. Have you mentioned to her that you've almost fallen asleep at the wheel a few times? Is she even concerned at all about your safety?

If you still had to fetch her back (or do something that would endanger your life) after you were married, how would you handle that?

Perhaps you should get into a minor "accident" on the way home, like "accidentally" driving into a ditch or something. Perhaps that'll "wake" her up about what you're going through....

Jim Kata

HAHAHA, I've actually thought of doing that dimbulb...but I don't want to have to pay to fix my car. And sometimes I want to tell her I did that even though I didn't but then I would have to lie to her....
Anyways...she is concerned with my safety but ....i guess i left this out.... when I go out with my friends I don't get home til late late late in the morning....like 4 or 5 am. Even when I am with her really late and we are out painting the town, its not that much of a problem....so she always pulls that excuse out...."Well you don't seem to have any problems driving home then." Its true, but If I have 2 or 3 drinks in me, through out the night, I am fine driving home (not drunk, just a slight buzz, if that, before you all think I drive drunk).
Maybe that just answered it....every Saturday we should go out and do it up right. And then it will be no problem.
Thanks guys...suggestions or opinions are still needed.

Johnny Rotten

I would recommend she consider exercising some freedom from her parents and staying over at your place every once in a while. You've been together for three years. You're both adults. You're considering marriage. The mom is cool with it. She shouldn't have to go home every night, in my opinion.

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"The idea that money doesn't buy you happiness is a lie put about by the rich, to stop the poor from killing them." -- Michael Caine

shannon

i don't tend to like the idea of driving home with a buzz, particularly because i don't really know how well you can draw your own line there. but that's just my bit of a don't drink and drive speech.
i agree that she should just stay over with you. iknow parents are a pain in the ass, but really. i mean the father is concerned that you two might have done stuff before you moved to your seperate floors, but it's nothing you couldn't have done all day somewhere else. they've got to trust you. and really if you were fucking like animals in the house, is there anything really so wrong with that? that's your choice.
i hope things work out anyways, i think she should be more willing to compromise.

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"When I look down I just miss all the good stuff. And when I look up I just trip over things"

maleficent

That comment to me is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Just because you think you are "fine" to drive, you might be legally impaired. You get caught, think of the consequences, jail? Loss of lisence? Those would be the good things, at worst you could kill yourself or someone else.

Driving while sleep deprived, also(there's a legal term for it that's escaping me) carries some pretty stiff penalties in a lot of states.

I can understand her position, in not wanting to drive home alone for an hour late at night, but it's al ittle unreasonable to expect chauffeur service every time.

Have a talk with her dad about spending the night, it is her parents house, their rules, however, there might be some compromise that can be reached. Do her folks know that you plan on getting married?

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Jim Kata

I think 3 drinks in a 3 or 4 hour period is fine. Considering it takes me like 10 drinks to have to actually think about saying my alphabet backwards (DAMN YOU HIGH TOLERANCE!!) Plus someone gave me one of those handy dandy self breathalyzer gadgets.
Trust me, if I even start to think I may be endangering myself (more importantly others). I just don't drive.

I totally agree with you, shannon, about us scrumping like bunnies all day at my house and what not.....but her dad is very religious and doesn't want it happening under his roof.

And Mal, I think I will talk to her dad about it. If I explain to him that its not every week, just the nights that I'm extremely tired, I'm sure (hoping is more like it) he will be reasonable.
I also like your idea of sort of trading off. Like one week I drive her home. The next week she drives herself home, and one week she stays, and the next week I drive her home again (not neccesarily in that order).

Her father just recently realized we are in it for the long haul. Her mother has known, and has no problem with me staying there (she actually asks me to stay there when they are out of town) so that she isn't alone while watching the dog. Maybe I can ask her to butter him up with the idea that I may stay there maybe once every couple of months when I am really sleepy.

Thank you all again.