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Old 04-15-2004, 12:01 AM   #1 (permalink)
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on and off relationships

Are on and off relationships good? I dated my ex-girlfreind for 7 months now. We love eachother a lot, but it every 2 months she dumps me, realizes she wants me back 2 weeks later, then we date again. What is puzzling is that she always chalks it up to us not being compatible, yet after about 2 weeks she says that it is not a problem anymore.

I'm not sure if it is that our relationship gets too serious, or she really feels this way, but it seems to be a little much of a rollercoaster for me; not to mention it really sucks for me.

Is it even a good idea to be around this woman if this will continue to happen?
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Old 04-15-2004, 12:26 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: Bored in Sacramento
This should probably be in Tilted sexuality.

Off hand, I would say no. You might want to have a talk with her about it. It's not fair to you if she keeps jerking you around like this. However, you keep taking her back. So it either deep down works for you, or you have to get tough.

Having said that, I am in the same boat. I am in a rollercoaster relationship as well. Sometimes I think I should bail, but everything else about the relationship is nice... so I don't plan to. You need to make the same decision, if you can live with this one flaw because everything else is ok, I say go with it. Otherwise, it might be time to walk for good.
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Old 04-15-2004, 12:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Dude, i'm telling you, from experiance, walk away, while you still can, 7 months isn't that long, i did it for 2 and a half years. You need to walk away.

It will be hard, and you think you are in love, and that there is probably noone else out there, etc. I know, i was there. But the relationship is obviously shit, and there are plenty of other girls out there. The sooner you end it for good, the sooner you can move on.

Don't let a girl that doesn't care for you, hold you down. Best of luck.
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Old 04-15-2004, 11:51 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: oklahoma
I'm the girl on the other side of the kind of on/off relationship you're talking about. I've broken up with this wonderful guy twice now and we still spend all our time together...
But I'm not going to let us date again because I don't want to yank him around like your girlfriend is yanking you. I don't want to hold either of us back from meeting who we're really supposed to end up with. We can have fun together now- but a dating relationship only makes things worse- and really hard.
My advice to you is to break up with her and see what other wonderful girl comes along and wants to stay with you for good. Wouldn't you like to have someone who doesn't doubt you so much?
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Old 04-15-2004, 01:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
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carebear,

It's nice to hear the other side of this sort of situation. Our situation is pretty much the same. We still see eachother all the time, support eachother and everything, but she will not let us date again. However, this is where the problem ends up; we've done this 4 times. We always seem to hang out, then get back togather. As Harshaw said, other than the breakups everything is great in our relationship. It is very hard to leave someone completely like that.

Do you still have feelings for this guy, even though you are hanging out? If so, how do you curb them?
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Old 04-15-2004, 01:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Oklahoma
Harshaw,

Are you still seeing that girl that moved away?

Durr-On and off relationships are generally not good. There is a reason that she keeps breaking up with you. For some reason, you guys just aren't a good fit. Relationships are hard enough when you are a great fit with each other. Once my wife and I started dating, the whole thing was almost effortless. We were so compatible it was scary yet we still fight on occasion and have misunderstandings all the time. It is so easy to get caught up in the "I love him/her" scenario that you look past your own happiness. Someone that makes you crazy like that would just make you miserable later on. Get out while you still can.
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Old 04-15-2004, 02:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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She's afraid to commit... you probably remind her of her abusive father/father that was never there, abusive ex-boyfriend, etc etc. Think about seriously why you're with her besides love... are you pouring all of the effort in and not getting much back? Do you like her because you're afraid that you won't find someone as good?

Put your foot down and stop letting yourself get walked on. It isn't fair to you and it teaches her that you're someone that she can walk all over. By taking her back you're saying "it is ok, this is normal... there are no consequences for jerking me around."

Nothing is worth that. Dignity needs to come before love.
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Old 04-15-2004, 03:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I pretty much agree with anyone else. Put the ball in her court: if she wants to break up again, this time it's for good. She has to decide whether she wants to do that or not. Make a big deal about it, though in a nice way.

You might actually be doing her a favor by doing this: while there are a lot of not-good reasons for her doing what she's doing, she might be one of those people who feels like they're getting emotionally in too deep for them to handle, then backs out. Then when she calms down, she wants to come back again.

Assuming that this is the situation, though, she has to learn to deal -- instead of running away, settle in a communicate what the problem is to you, and you both work it out together. It may be that she doesn't know how to do this. When you say she gives incompatibility as a reason for breakups, that makes me think that she just doesn't know how to work out differences with you, and so flees rather than hangs in. For a while.

Anyway, next time she tries it, offer to work out any issues she's got -- ask her point blank what's up, she may not be good at articulating her feelings (at least not to guys) -- offer her support if she stays, but tell her that if she goes, that's it. If she doesn't have consequences like that to deal with, she'll never change. And if she won't change, you have to accept that and move on, for your own good.
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Old 04-15-2004, 03:19 PM   #9 (permalink)
who?
 
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thread moved to tilted sexuality
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Old 04-15-2004, 03:41 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Stare At The Sun
Dude, i'm telling you, from experiance, walk away, while you still can, 7 months isn't that long, i did it for 2 and a half years. You need to walk away.

It will be hard, and you think you are in love, and that there is probably noone else out there, etc. I know, i was there. But the relationship is obviously shit, and there are plenty of other girls out there. The sooner you end it for good, the sooner you can move on.

Don't let a girl that doesn't care for you, hold you down. Best of luck.
Exactly what he said.
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Old 04-15-2004, 06:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: oregon
yes i've been in an on again/off again relationship and it'd always be two month durations too. it was not a good experience. in the long haul, you learn a lot, but it's not exactly the best relationship to be in. if you can't make it past two months before you "break up" again then i'd say there's a serious problem with the relationship. you need to step back and reevaluate things. is it really worth it here?
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Old 04-21-2004, 12:19 PM   #12 (permalink)
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!

Quote:
Originally posted by durr286
carebear,

It's nice to hear the other side of this sort of situation. Our situation is pretty much the same. We still see eachother all the time, support eachother and everything, but she will not let us date again. However, this is where the problem ends up; we've done this 4 times. We always seem to hang out, then get back togather. As Harshaw said, other than the breakups everything is great in our relationship. It is very hard to leave someone completely like that.

Do you still have feelings for this guy, even though you are hanging out? If so, how do you curb them?

Ummm.... good question! Yes, I still have feelings for him but they aren't consistent and that's the problem.
I curb my more intimate feelings by... by.... oh shit. I don't think I do. It's already out there- he knows I still like him and I know he still likes me but we avoid it. It's weird but it's working.
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