Pellaz

Ok, I've got this friend (Jeff) who's 21 years old, and has been having a relationship with a 35 year old woman, strictly over phone/internet for the last 3 months, and were friends before that.

He thinks that they both realize that it can't really go anywhere, do to age difference and locations (different sides of the country), but he feels it needs to stop before it goes to far emotionaly for the both of them. The crux of it all is that she's currently in her pediatric residancy, so her scheduale is a living hell on her, she has a child, and has had some emotional issues in the past. Jeff is also the first man that she's opened up to since her divorce.

He's trying to do the right thing, as far as he can, about it all, but obviously there's going to be some emotional fallout over this, but can anyone give some advice to help minimize the harm?

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skysooner

Since he obviously wants to spare her feelings, the easiest way is to just lengthen out the time he talks to her. Don't be there for IMs, take longer to answer e-mail. At 35, she isn't going to be stupid about it. However that is a bit passive aggressive, but it is used quite frequently because it is easy.

The forthright way is to just come out and say it in a nice way. If she overreacts at that point, it is her problem. She might actually be relieved. You just never know.

Blackthorn

The first thing I would do is let this woman know EXACTLY how I felt about the situation. Personally I'm not hung up on the May(M)-September(F) age difference but he is a young one at 21 and not likely ready for a woman with a child (but who am I to know that about him...it's just a guess). I would tell her how I felt specifically about the geography and about the fact that I feel for her as a very dear and close friend but that there will not be a romantic side to the relationship.

Is he certain that she's even thinking that way or is she really just opening up to a friend? Mixed signals are hard to read and easy to misinterpret. Tough situation but being open about it should work.

Hope this helps.

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Pellaz

kjorh, there's already a romantic side to the relationship, that's the big hurdle.

__________________
" ' Big Mouth.
Remember it took three of you to kill me.
A god, a boy, and, last and least, a hero.' "

2kids1headache

K.

This woman is divorced, has a kid, and is having an email and phone relationship with another kid (basically) who lives across the US.

I've been in your buddy's shoes, several times. The easiest way out is for him to point out that she's having an email and phone relationship with a kid who lives across the US, and there's no future in that. He should point out that she should hold tight until her residency is over, then hit the dating scene again. And not the computer dating scene, as it's filled with more kids like him that live across the country.

All those things can be done with respect and caring. Odds are she'll stay friends with him for a while, and eventually they'll stop frequenting the places that the other hangs out. Life goes on, and if anyone is going to realize that, it's probably this woman.

Edit: Well, whaddaya know? I didn't make a generalization like I thought I would. Hurrah!

Angel

Honesty, honesty, honesty.
He will do her no favors by prolonging the reality of how things are. If she realizes that things will go nowhere as you have suggested, she should be expecting the conversation on some level as it is.
Even when heartache is a factor, honest, open communication is far less painful than deception through omission. He owes it to both of them and their friendship to be direct and real about this. To delay it in any way is to deny both of them the opportunity to move on and seek true companionship.

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hunnychile

Definitely honesty...with kindness. Way better than the ignoring of emails. Closure is so important that most people never "get it" until it's too late. Good mental health is priceless. : )

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FleaCircus

Tell your friend to drink more Scotch.

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Funnel

He should tell her that this is not the kind of relationship that can last and they both know this and try to be just her friend.