Sex vs. affection - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Woody182 · 11-30-2003, 01:01 AM

My girlfriend and I have been together about 8 months, we started having sex after about 2 months. For some reason I associate sex and affection in general to the amount of happiness in the relationship. I.E. when we don't have sex I feel I'm doing something wrong. This has led to a lot of fighting as of late and surprise surprise even less sex. We're both 21 and I know I'm not in the relationship for the sex but for whatever reason this continues to happen.
I don't really care about the sex deep down I am not quite show why I bring it up so much. My question is this, is it normal to gauge a SO's level of happiness with their desire for affection?
Thanks in advance

em1014 · 11-30-2003, 07:36 AM

First off I think sex and affection are two totally different things.
You can be affectionate to another person without having sex.

I understand where you are coming from with this question. I too feel
if my b/f is not/does not want to have sex with me he is unhappy. The
more I am with him though the more I understand how we interact with
each other and the way our moods affect us differently. If he is upset
or stressed I am less likely to want to have sex with him. That doesn't
mean I am unhappy with him or want things to change, it just means the
mood is not right. I don't know many women who want to have sex often
if it is a constant battle and cause for fights in a relationship.

I think it is normal to gauge your s/o's happiness on sex even if it is
not the way it should be. I do the same, it's just a double standard I
set on myself. Personally, I would not worry if your sex life is iffy
right now. A lack of genuine affection towards one another could be a
problem. Even when my b/f and I are at odds we always tell each other
how much we love the other and are close. I know I'm in real trouble
when he avoids me all together

!

I wouldn't worry if your sex life is decreased at the moment. Stress
along with many other normal, everyday things tend to do that. Just
make sure you are making an effort to communicate with your s/o... but
not pushing the subject.

Woody182 · 11-30-2003, 12:30 PM

Thanks so much, that actually cleared up a lot. It seems to make sense, now I just have to put it into action.
Any other thoughts would be appreciated.

SparklingDot · 12-01-2003, 11:25 PM

Affection is subjective. Especially in how you show it. Sure, sex can be a sign of affection, but other times, it can be just sex. It is the same with all physical intimacy. It can be emotionally linked as often as it is detached, especially in a long term relationship. What works best with us is refocusing on the emotional attachments in a nonsexual way. A physical connection only goes so far, and is only satisfying to a certain degree. Have you considered that she might be apprehensive about the importance you put on sex (even though you say it doesn't matter much deep down)? If she feels that sex is all you want, of course she'll pull away. So maybe you should try to reconnect with her in a totally emotional, nonsexual way. Good Luck!

Bloodslick · 12-02-2003, 06:11 AM

There have been long, long stretches in the past where I haven't felt like having sex at all, really. I was still interested in my girlfriends at the time. I just wasn't having that carnal craving. Like em1014's example, it led my girlfriends to believe that I wasn't interested and that something was wrong.

The thing is, I just wasn't craving sex all of the time. I had sex during those times, and it was good, but I wasn't actively seeking it. I was still very affectionate and touchy feely and lovey with my girlfriends.

Don't let a lack of hormonal activity fuck the relationship up in your mind.

riptide4070 · 12-02-2003, 07:32 PM

I agree that sex and affection are two different things. I tend to care more for the affection than sex (although I want it everyday). Just because I want it doesn't mean the urge is important. The little things in a serious relationship are always the things I miss the most.

I'm in a new relationship now. The companionship, conversation, and acts of kindness are the things I focus on.

11-30-2003, 01:01 AM	#1 (permalink)
Woody182 Crazy Location: Near Chicago, IL	Sex vs. affection My girlfriend and I have been together about 8 months, we started having sex after about 2 months. For some reason I associate sex and affection in general to the amount of happiness in the relationship. I.E. when we don't have sex I feel I'm doing something wrong. This has led to a lot of fighting as of late and surprise surprise even less sex. We're both 21 and I know I'm not in the relationship for the sex but for whatever reason this continues to happen. I don't really care about the sex deep down I am not quite show why I bring it up so much. My question is this, is it normal to gauge a SO's level of happiness with their desire for affection? Thanks in advance __________________ If I fall in love, will you forgive me? If I lose my way, will you choose me? If I change my mind, will you change me? -Smashing Pumpkins

11-30-2003, 12:30 PM	#3 (permalink)
Woody182 Crazy Location: Near Chicago, IL	Thanks so much, that actually cleared up a lot. It seems to make sense, now I just have to put it into action. Any other thoughts would be appreciated. __________________ If I fall in love, will you forgive me? If I lose my way, will you choose me? If I change my mind, will you change me? -Smashing Pumpkins

12-01-2003, 11:25 PM	#4 (permalink)
SparklingDot Insane	Affection is subjective. Especially in how you show it. Sure, sex can be a sign of affection, but other times, it can be just sex. It is the same with all physical intimacy. It can be emotionally linked as often as it is detached, especially in a long term relationship. What works best with us is refocusing on the emotional attachments in a nonsexual way. A physical connection only goes so far, and is only satisfying to a certain degree. Have you considered that she might be apprehensive about the importance you put on sex (even though you say it doesn't matter much deep down)? If she feels that sex is all you want, of course she'll pull away. So maybe you should try to reconnect with her in a totally emotional, nonsexual way. Good Luck! __________________ 17 seconds is all you really need - Smashing Pumpkins

12-02-2003, 07:32 PM	#6 (permalink)
riptide4070 Addict Location: Boone, NC	I agree that sex and affection are two different things. I tend to care more for the affection than sex (although I want it everyday). Just because I want it doesn't mean the urge is important. The little things in a serious relationship are always the things I miss the most. I'm in a new relationship now. The companionship, conversation, and acts of kindness are the things I focus on. __________________ "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was making the world believe he didn't exist" -Kevin Spacey 'The Usual Suspects'

11-30-2003, 07:36 AM	#2 (permalink)
em1014 Crazy	First off I think sex and affection are two totally different things. You can be affectionate to another person without having sex. I understand where you are coming from with this question. I too feel if my b/f is not/does not want to have sex with me he is unhappy. The more I am with him though the more I understand how we interact with each other and the way our moods affect us differently. If he is upset or stressed I am less likely to want to have sex with him. That doesn't mean I am unhappy with him or want things to change, it just means the mood is not right. I don't know many women who want to have sex often if it is a constant battle and cause for fights in a relationship. I think it is normal to gauge your s/o's happiness on sex even if it is not the way it should be. I do the same, it's just a double standard I set on myself. Personally, I would not worry if your sex life is iffy right now. A lack of genuine affection towards one another could be a problem. Even when my b/f and I are at odds we always tell each other how much we love the other and are close. I know I'm in real trouble when he avoids me all together ! I wouldn't worry if your sex life is decreased at the moment. Stress along with many other normal, everyday things tend to do that. Just make sure you are making an effort to communicate with your s/o... but not pushing the subject.

12-02-2003, 06:11 AM	#5 (permalink)
Bloodslick Loser Location: a darkened back alley	There have been long, long stretches in the past where I haven't felt like having sex at all, really. I was still interested in my girlfriends at the time. I just wasn't having that carnal craving. Like em1014's example, it led my girlfriends to believe that I wasn't interested and that something was wrong. The thing is, I just wasn't craving sex all of the time. I had sex during those times, and it was good, but I wasn't actively seeking it. I was still very affectionate and touchy feely and lovey with my girlfriends. Don't let a lack of hormonal activity fuck the relationship up in your mind.