WarWagon

My girlfriend and I had been together for two years. She now attends college in CT (where I'm from originally), but I am now 11 hours away in Ohio.

Now, she was the only serious relationship I've ever had, and I definitely still love her, but I'm not sure if she's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted the freedom to date and such in college, but she wanted no such part of it. For several weeks she would call me every day, telling me how miserable she was, and how she does nothing but cry and mope all day. I found this to be VERY heartbreaking and depressing, as I want her to be able to enjoy college, and I was really picking up the vibe that if I was to see other people, then she'd rather break up, but she really didnt want to be the one to initiate it. So the other night on the phone, I broke up with her as gently as possible. I would only be able to see her a handful of times during the year for the next 6 years due to school and work, and I couldn't imagine making her miserable for the next 6 years. She's also convinced that there's no chance she'd ever have feelings or desires to date someone else, as she's VERY sensitive.

Now comes the part that makes me feel like a total jerk. By chance, another girl who goes to OSU's father worked with my father at UPS back in CT. I'd never met her, but she lived about 5 minutes away from me one town over. She was kind of upset that she didnt know anyone from CT, so I had my parents give her my number so we could get together and hang out. I met her once very briefly, and this past Monday night we went out for dinner, and oh man, I fell head over heels for this girl.

The attraction I have to this girl is MUCH more than physical. Everything that came out of this girl's mouth I could relate to, including some things that my old girlfriend would never do, including her hobbies (total racing and sports nut), and even just the general quirks that we both had. Now, I doubt this girl has any feelings for me (I dont actually know that, but I'm assuming so), but I absolutely cant stop thinking about this girl. I didnt want to seem desperate or anything like that, so I've only called her maybe twice very briefly, but I cant get her out of my head. I'm so lovestruck by this girl that I was actually awake for 64 consecutive hours, no matter how hard I tried, I could NOT stop thinking about her.

Now this is where things get really tough. My sister talked to my quasi-ex, and it seems my ex has had a change of heart and will probably want to not break up permanently, but we'd have the freedom to see other people.

I really don't know what to do. I still love my old girlfriend, and would do anything to keep her happy whether we're together or not, but I don't want her or anyone to think that she's a "backup" in case things dont work out with this other girl. On top of that, I feel absolutely terrible being so overwhelmingly attracted to this new girl, and even thinking about someone else so shortly after a breakup.

Am I a total jerk for wanting to see how things turn with my ex and I, while having fallen head over heels for this new girl? Should I just break things off with my old girlfriend, or should I not pursue this new girl? Should I gradually warm up to this new girl, or just tell her how I feel? I've never felt this way about ANYONE before, and I really don't want to ruin my chances of something ever happening with this new girl, but I don't think she'd ever feel the same way about me. My roomates tell me not to be so hard on myself, but I can't help but set myself up for disappointment as I really dont think I'm an attractive guy at all, and I have really low self esteem, whereas this girl is on the crew team and is an absolute knockout, and from what I've seen in a few short hours the greatest personality I've ever seen.

I really want to thank you guys for bearing through this, I've never been so confused about what to do in a relationship, and the members of this board are some of the most unbiased understanding people I know.

mb99usa

If your quasi-ex wants to get back together with you with the understanding you both can see other people than what's the problem?

Nothing wrong with finding someone else you like. Why does the timeframe matter? If you feel an attraction to someone who cares how long after a breakup it is?

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Averett

Are you a jerk? No, not at all.


I don't think you've fallin in love with this new girl though. Hardcore lust, sure... I think a part of it is the fact that she's a cute, nice girl. And she's there. Your girlfriend (ex, whatever) might be cute and nice and all that as well. Yet she's 11 hours away.

My advice? Break if off for good with your girlfriend. Long distance relationships during college are so rough. Take the time to get to know this new girl, and don't rush into anything. It sounds as if you've got some sort of connection there, so see where it goes.

I think your girlfriend would be best served breaking up as well. She sounds pretty miserable. Sure, she'll be hurting for awhile but long term she'll be okay. And who knows, maybe when summer rolls around and you're both in the same area again things might heat up between the two of you.

My $0.02.... Good luck

Oh... the whole dating other people thing... I've never seen that work out well. Somebody will get hurt. Best to just make a clean break.

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Charlatan

Sounds like a pretty common scenario for the first year of University.

Do yourself (and your quasi-ex) a favour... break it off with no strings attached. Play the field. Meet other people (maybe this new woman). Get some experience under your belt.

Your quasi-ex may not be there when you get back but then you may not (with any luck) be the same person. You will have grown and changed into the person you are going to be...

This is not an incitement (neccessarily) to go out and make a slut of yourself. See it more as encouragement to live life the fullest. Experiment and experience life to the fullest. Before you know it you will be working full time and have a mortgage and have kids, etc.

University (college, whatever) is the time in your life to figure IT out. You may end up coming full circle and liking the same things you like now and being the same person... that is just part of the journey.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

cas305

If you at least don't find out what this other girls feels about you then you will never get that out of the back of your mind and will probably end up causing problems for you down the road anyway. Life is short so there is no better time to live it!

WarWagon

Thanks, you've all been a big help. I guess I feel bad because the relationship was so serious, and during that time I almost felt obligated to not feel any sort of attraction to anyone else. Even though I genuinely do like this new girl, its like I've almost convinced myself I'm doing it on the rebound :-/

OFKU0

You're young and change happens on a daily basis.Do what feels right and don't worry about.

I went away to college and left a girl behind.She drove me nuts.You know the whole guilt trip thing and whatnot. Are you be faithful? You don't love me do you or you wouldn't have left? Blah blah blah.

Truth is she didn't want me to grow as a person but rather sit in a dorm room thinking of how much I missed her while she was going out with friends having the time of her life. She fucked around on me and blamed me cuz I left and she was lonely.

The real truth is that she didn't want me to experience life although she was.By Xmas break she was gone. Best decision that particular year.

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" In Canada, you can tell the most blatant lie in a calm voice, and people will believe you over someone who's a little passionate about the truth." David Warren, Western Standard.

gduventree

If she isn't the one, then she isn't the one. This may change in the future but right now it doesn't sound like you two are right for each other.

What's the source of your guilt? The fact that you feel this way for another woman already indicates that you don't love your ex the same way anymore. If the relationship is in this state it's better to break it off sooner so you can both start the healing process. In your case, hopefully with the help of a certain someone.

bermuDa

as a jerk you'll fare better with the ladies.

in this case it doesn't seem like you're being a jerk,

if it isn't the freedom to pursue this other girl, it's not really freedom to see other people is it?

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WarWagon

Sigh. Well, after waiting all week to see this girl who I still can't stop thinking about, I tried calling her earlier today to see if she wanted to go see a movie, but to no avail. I was pretty sure she said that she was working the 11-7 shift tonight, so I walked about 40 minutes to her dorm (she works at the front desk), hoping to surprise her and be able to talk to her, only to find her not there. Gave her a call, she was just coming back from a football game and had to work at 3, and tomorrow she's got crew practice all day and is then going to the Halloween party at OU, and she didnt know what she was doing on Sunday. So now I have to wait until at LEAST Sunday to "maybe" be able to see her.

Sorry for the rant, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about this girl since the moment I laid eyes on her, to the point where I can barely sleep and can't focus on anything else during the day. And instead of going out and partying with my roomates, I blew that by trying to walk over and surprise her. I've been trying to not call her more than once a day if that, so I dont seem desperate, but now I can't help but feel that she's already sick of me or was really turned off by me and is blowing me off. If I could physically do it, I'd try not to waste my time, but I've never met someone who I actually got butterflies in my stomach before calling or walking to meet them, or who I couldn't stop thinking about 24/7. There's just something about this girl that is driving me absolutely nuts, and I just dont have any idea what to do any more

Boardslut

Hi dude,
I can relate a bit to your story.
I'm now studying in Switzerland for a year (exchange program) and my gf is still in Belgium. I find it very hard to hear that my gf is going out only one evening a week, while I have to make an effort to stay atleast at home for one evening a week.
Plus the fact that we're both huge snowboard fans and I now have the ability to go into the mountains frequently doesn't make it easier for her.
On top of all that, I've been meeting loads of new people, I guess that's part of being a foreign student. I still like (i'm a bit confused about the whole "love" thing) my girlfriend very much. Being eight months together however exposes the woman you have fallen in love with as a normal person and not as the ultrasexy & sweet girl she seemed in the beginning.
She IS very nice and so ... but being far away and all gives her a hard time competing with all these (seemingly) ultrasexy&sweet girls i've been meeting here.
She's coming to visit me next weekend ... I hope i can get some things straight and clear after that...

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ubertuber

Hey Warwagon,

As far as your ex goes, I'd really recommend leaving things broken off, with no strings. It might even be that she is willing to compromise because she thinks that if she hangs around for a while you'll change your mind. That's a bad scene man... As far as this new girl goes, don't analyze it too much. Remember that the whole point is for both of you to have a good time... Good luck!

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Cogito ergo spud -- I think, therefore I yam

analog

1. You're not a jerk.

2. The content of the above quote is total bullshit. If she says she wants to get back together, but can still "see other people", that means she won't be seeing anyone, and still gets to call you all the time and be mentally sealed away from unhappiness because you're still "TECHNICALLY" together. She's also ensuring that when you both get out, she's got a ready-made boyfriend, just <b>waiting</b> for her.

You did the right thing, and for a girl to ask to get back together and then see other people is ridiculous, you don't need that shit.

Go to school, have fun, see other girls.

P.S.- The other girl is hitting it off very well because you're REBOUNDING. Don't say you're not, you are. You were in a 2-year and recently broke up. Go easy on her, because it's very likely your attraction to her is just the rebound talking.

Good luck!

Jonsgirl

You are not a jerk. You're young and confused. It happens to all of us in one way or another. I wouldn't worry too much about things at this point.
The "back-up" plan has it's merits. It's like a security blanket that you can always fall back on. I had one. (but that's another thread, lol) It's not like you have to keep in constant touch with her for that, either. I have alot more I could say about that, but...just remember that that's a decsion that both of you have to talk about and accept, (i'e. it's a very 'mature' subject).
It sounds to me like she really wants to be with you, and is willing to do anything to keep you. Even going as far as to say that you can see other people.

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But it won't be today, and it won't be you.

oberon

I think long distance relationships are a recipe for disaster. Finish the breakup and spend your time with woman you can see every day at school.

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"There are finer fish in the sea than have ever been caught." -- Irish proverb

TrollInvestigtr

every chick i knew in college that had a boyfirend back home or at another college would hold out for one semester, and by second semester was slurping cock by the classroom-load. troof. i cant think of one couple that stayed together more than a semester after they left each other.


collge is time to explore and see what else is out there. period.
you are doing yourself a great disservice by not experimenting and seeing different chicks.

WarWagon

Thanks guys, I appreciate all the help. I talked to my ex, and thankfully she finally bit the bullet and went out the other night. She seems to be taking things pretty well, and understands that we probably made the right choice. We've agreed to talk and remain friends though, as we still both care very much for each other, regardless of whether we're a couple or not.

I got the chance to go out last night for a bit with a group of friends for my roomates girlfriends birthday party, and even though there were some VERY attractive women there, several who were interested and seemed pretty cool, I definitely couldn't stop thinking about that girl from crew all night. Oh well, maybe I'll get to see her one day this week :-/