Green Eyed Monster - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

motdakasha · 10-11-2003, 10:32 AM

Ok, so here's the situation I'm in. (Sorry about the length.)
I recently met a guy in my English class because we had to do a group presentation together. We got together for the group presentation on a Sunday. To take a break from studying for the presentation, three of four of us in the group went to a skate park for an hour. It was really fun and awesome.
Then on Monday, he and I went to the Vans skate park and met up with his friend who was trying to get him sponsored for wheelchair skateboarding. After about an hour, he's worn out so we all call it a day. Then, suddenly his fiancé shows up. Apparently, she had ditched class to be there. My friend starts to invite me to their house to have dinner all together, but then she tells him that they "have to talk."
The next day, he tells me that she's apparently jealous of me because I've been spending so much time with him. This is her first serious relationship so she's new to all this. He tells me she's a little on the clingy dependent side. The way he says it shows to me he's willing to deal with this and that things are going in the right direction.
Yesterday, I see him and his fiancé sitting at a bench at school and I wave to them. When he comes into class, he looks really bummed out, so I ask if he's feeling okay. She was supposed to meet him in the cafeteria, but when he went there, he didn't see her. It ends up turning into this huge argument about trust. She's worried he's going to cheat on her with me. He's worried she's cheating now, too, because she wasn't where she said she would be, etc. etc.
I'm kind of in the middle of this and I'm not exactly sure what to do. I've made the best of efforts to become friends with her so she knows there's nothing to worry about. She's nice to my face and everything, but I guess she still doesn't trust me. I'm not interested in dating him or anything. She's still worried. Now he's worried. It's frustrating.

WarWagon · 10-11-2003, 10:52 AM

If she can't learn to trust him, then maybe she's not the right person for him anyways. Neither of you are doing anything wrong, and if you spend more time together and nothing happens between you two, then she'll learn how foolish she's being.

collide · 10-11-2003, 11:03 AM

It sounds more like the guy's caught in the middle of this. She's probably being irrational and insecure, which is something that she's got to work on, but not without some help. The best person to reassure her would be her boyfriend, so maybe it'd be a good idea to distance yourself from them until they work things out. I try to avoid drama whenever possible, so if that's one of the things that you're trying to avoid, I'd spend less time with them because their problems don't really concern you.

Halx · 10-11-2003, 11:05 AM

Jealousy is the lack of trust for the partner. It is nothing personal against you. If she is nice to your face, then it could be determined that she is only trying to discourage her boy from falling for you.

Perhaps you can talk to her straight up and tell her your thoughts?

10-11-2003, 11:39 AM

What the hell is wheelchair skateboarding?

tekaweni · 10-11-2003, 12:23 PM

Well the good news is youre not interested romantically, so youre not going to get hurt here.

People in a first-time relationship sometimes see all their S/O's opposite-sex friends as a potential threat and go on the offensive. I know because I did that myself, and lost the girl because of it.

The guy obviously cant move backwards or forwards. Either she lightens up and gets a clue, or hes going to get tired of his impossible position and move on.

But I'd back off and let them figure that out for themselves. I sense he considers you a bit of a confidant in this ("you understand my situation"), and my advice to that is DONT. Make him do it himself or you truly will be the one in the middle.

motdakasha · 10-12-2003, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Carno
What the hell is wheelchair skateboarding?

Going to a skate park (bowls, ramps, etc.) and doing tricks and such, but in a wheelchair instead of a skateboard.

Alright guys. The general consensus seems to be to back off. I will, but that's going to be really tough for me since I'm there to help him train for his competition in three months. Helping him train seems to be the source of her jealousy, though. I think it's probably because she can't do some of the things I do to help him. (When she wasn't around, he described her as "fragile.")

skysooner · 10-12-2003, 02:16 PM

She sounds like she has a big inferiority complex. Jealousy comes out of a lack of trust. If he hasn't given her a reason not to trust him, then it is probably coming because she doesn't feel as good about herself. This is not what I would call a good start to a possible marriage. It isn't your fault. You can't change other people's insecurities.

froggyo · 10-12-2003, 05:19 PM

in my completely unprofessional opinion....i would suggest inviting her along with a couple of your training sessions. that way she can see for sure that there is nothing going on between the two of you. maybe you could teach her some of the things you are doing to help him out, and she will be appreciative and reallize that you are strictly helping him out in a "proffessional" manner.

but chances are, if there is no trust in their relationship now, then it will be very unlikely for thier relationship to last. so be prepared to be her "reason they broke up such a beautiful friendship"

bundy · 10-12-2003, 06:03 PM

its very much her problem.
and by the sounds of things you really have two options...

one, back off, let that relationship crash and burn - because it should and will. such a glaring lack of trust will lead nowhere. and, by the sounds of things, i think this girlfriend is actually a little unstable and crazy... so maybe its best for all if you do back off.

and two, confront the girl. tell her shes being crazy. tell her nothings going on. tell her that if she carries on like this, he will leave her.
just put her straight i guess.

analog · 10-12-2003, 08:47 PM

if you're just hanging out and not actually doing antyhing with him, then there should be no evidence to say you two are screwing around. if she's so insecure about him and a female FRIEND who HELPS HIM TRAIN and doesn't just cruise malls or go to movies with, then that relationship might well be doomed.

i'd just ignore her until she brings it up to you directly. if she does, then you should tell her the truth- you're helping him train, and you're his friend, and if she can't trust her own fiancee with something as simple as a female friend, of which any guy will have MANY over the course of a lifetime, then she should sit and have a talk with him about her issues.

motdakasha · 10-12-2003, 09:44 PM

it's not that she thinks we're screwing around now, it's that she thinks he will eventually.

i don't really want to confront her about it because she seems like a really nice person. when i confront people, i'm not known for being nice. i prefer the facade of being a nice person.

oh and by the way, communication is always key. he has been trying to talk with her about this in a logical way, but it doesn't seem to be getting through.

Sledge · 10-13-2003, 01:03 AM

Man, my girlfriend (call her Steph) was involved in a similarly fucky situation last year. She and I have a guy friend and a girl friend. We were close, but he and Steph were especially close. So when he started dating the girl friend, she decided she didn't want him talking to Steph anymore and told him as much.

So, um. I guess I don't really have any advice for you, because the situation remedied itself with a violent breakup. I do empathize though; it sucks to be the distrusted one, more so when there's no reason for it but the accuser's paranoia.

raeanna74 · 10-13-2003, 06:15 AM

There was a neighbor woman (PLEASE don't think I'm saying you are anything like this woman) that hubby used to be crazy about. I was nice to her and all and talked with her sometimes too. She had a nice body and she loved to show off her body which he was nuts about. He was constantly wanting to go over and chat with her and to help her with stuff. He helped rearrange her livingroom for example and often let her vent about her boyfriends. Now hubby and I were married and she had numerous boyfriends. Thing is I could tell he was almost obsessed by her talking about her often. It wasn't necessarily like she'd "steal" him but I just didn't want him going there to see her. She was manipulative and it would make him upset sometimes which I ended up having to deal with. I knew hubby and didn't trust him to not want to play around with her.

I just said all that to suggest - maybe he acts a little like he likes you or she interprets it that way. He may not be totally up front with her either. When hubby would go over to her place without telling me or not even come home from work until nearly 2 or 3 hours late because he'd gone over there it bothered me. I know what you mean about wanting her to trust you. Personally I think it's a trust issue between her and him. I would suggest you have a talk with him and tell him you will still be friends but that until he's able to work this out with her that you will reduce contact with him. Try not to do any studying or work on projects together.

If she is right for him he will work it out before long. If not he'll figure it out, but either way you'll still be friends and can get back in touch when things are calmer. I don't think this has anything to do with you. I think she needs to either learn to trust him or he needs to find out she's too much trouble to be worth the relationship. You stepping back for a while would be the best way for them to find out those things. Good luck.

motdakasha · 10-13-2003, 12:47 PM

I talked to him today. I told him he should work things out with her before doing the training stuff with me. If they don't talk about it now until things get sorted, it will just snowball. He said things have been ironed out between him and her. He said that she won't get jealous or anything if I help him out with training.

So we'll see how things turn out.

Aladdin Sane · 10-18-2003, 09:52 AM

motdakasha, you never said: Do you have any interest in the guy other than friendship?
And are you like a total knockout?

motdakasha · 10-18-2003, 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Aladdin Sane
motdakasha, you never said: Do you have any interest in the guy other than friendship?
And are you like a total knockout?

From first post in thread:

Quote:

Originally posted by motdakasha
I'm not interested in dating him or anything.

Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Aladdin Sane · 10-18-2003, 01:45 PM

Mybad. Sorry, I didn't read it carefully.

Yes, beauty is . . . blah blah blah. But my point is, if you are an obviously sex-loving babe, and this girl is the real jealous type, it's not going to matter what you do or say-- she's just not gonna like you hanging around her man. :O)

Crazy/Beautiful · 10-22-2003, 01:26 PM

I get jealous easily of other girls. Usually pretty ones with good personalities! If she is just a jealous person in general she probably has low self-esteem too, and thinks badly of herself, and that he might always be on the lookout for someone new. Well that's how i think! But if she seems to especially be targeting you, take it as a compliment, that she finds you to be worthy competition. But in all actuality she's probably using you as a scapegoat to vent her fears about him cheating in general
When you hang out with your friend try to include her in things so she won't feel excluded and maybe she will reliaze you are too nice a person to do something like that. Confrontation doesn't help much though and she'll just have more reason to dislike you. Don't worry you did nothing wrong, you shouldn't have to get involved in their mess.

10-11-2003, 10:32 AM	#1 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	Green Eyed Monster Ok, so here's the situation I'm in. (Sorry about the length.) I recently met a guy in my English class because we had to do a group presentation together. We got together for the group presentation on a Sunday. To take a break from studying for the presentation, three of four of us in the group went to a skate park for an hour. It was really fun and awesome. Then on Monday, he and I went to the Vans skate park and met up with his friend who was trying to get him sponsored for wheelchair skateboarding. After about an hour, he's worn out so we all call it a day. Then, suddenly his fiancé shows up. Apparently, she had ditched class to be there. My friend starts to invite me to their house to have dinner all together, but then she tells him that they "have to talk." The next day, he tells me that she's apparently jealous of me because I've been spending so much time with him. This is her first serious relationship so she's new to all this. He tells me she's a little on the clingy dependent side. The way he says it shows to me he's willing to deal with this and that things are going in the right direction. Yesterday, I see him and his fiancé sitting at a bench at school and I wave to them. When he comes into class, he looks really bummed out, so I ask if he's feeling okay. She was supposed to meet him in the cafeteria, but when he went there, he didn't see her. It ends up turning into this huge argument about trust. She's worried he's going to cheat on her with me. He's worried she's cheating now, too, because she wasn't where she said she would be, etc. etc. I'm kind of in the middle of this and I'm not exactly sure what to do. I've made the best of efforts to become friends with her so she knows there's nothing to worry about. She's nice to my face and everything, but I guess she still doesn't trust me. I'm not interested in dating him or anything. She's still worried. Now he's worried. It's frustrating. __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.) Last edited by motdakasha; 10-11-2003 at 10:35 AM..

10-11-2003, 11:03 AM	#3 (permalink)
collide Turn off your TV. Location: ... .- -. ..-. .-. .- -. -.-. .. ... -.-. --- --..-- -.-. .-	It sounds more like the guy's caught in the middle of this. She's probably being irrational and insecure, which is something that she's got to work on, but not without some help. The best person to reassure her would be her boyfriend, so maybe it'd be a good idea to distance yourself from them until they work things out. I try to avoid drama whenever possible, so if that's one of the things that you're trying to avoid, I'd spend less time with them because their problems don't really concern you. __________________ "inhuman fiery goat worship" is an anagram for "information superhighway" -kingvolc

10-11-2003, 11:05 AM	#4 (permalink)
Halx Please touch this. Owner/Admin Location: Manhattan	Jealousy is the lack of trust for the partner. It is nothing personal against you. If she is nice to your face, then it could be determined that she is only trying to discourage her boy from falling for you. Perhaps you can talk to her straight up and tell her your thoughts? __________________ You have found this post informative. -The Administrator [Don't Feed The Animals]

10-11-2003, 12:23 PM	#6 (permalink)
tekaweni It wasnt me Location: Scotland	Well the good news is youre not interested romantically, so youre not going to get hurt here. People in a first-time relationship sometimes see all their S/O's opposite-sex friends as a potential threat and go on the offensive. I know because I did that myself, and lost the girl because of it. The guy obviously cant move backwards or forwards. Either she lightens up and gets a clue, or hes going to get tired of his impossible position and move on. But I'd back off and let them figure that out for themselves. I sense he considers you a bit of a confidant in this ("you understand my situation"), and my advice to that is DONT. Make him do it himself or you truly will be the one in the middle. __________________ If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten

10-12-2003, 06:03 PM	#10 (permalink)
bundy . Location: Tokyo	its very much her problem. and by the sounds of things you really have two options... one, back off, let that relationship crash and burn - because it should and will. such a glaring lack of trust will lead nowhere. and, by the sounds of things, i think this girlfriend is actually a little unstable and crazy... so maybe its best for all if you do back off. and two, confront the girl. tell her shes being crazy. tell her nothings going on. tell her that if she carries on like this, he will leave her. just put her straight i guess. __________________ Ohayo!!!

10-11-2003, 10:52 AM	#2 (permalink)
WarWagon Loser	If she can't learn to trust him, then maybe she's not the right person for him anyways. Neither of you are doing anything wrong, and if you spend more time together and nothing happens between you two, then she'll learn how foolish she's being.

10-11-2003, 11:39 AM	#5 (permalink)
Carno Guest	What the hell is wheelchair skateboarding?

10-12-2003, 02:16 PM	#8 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	She sounds like she has a big inferiority complex. Jealousy comes out of a lack of trust. If he hasn't given her a reason not to trust him, then it is probably coming because she doesn't feel as good about herself. This is not what I would call a good start to a possible marriage. It isn't your fault. You can't change other people's insecurities.

10-12-2003, 05:19 PM	#9 (permalink)
froggyo Tilted Location: Canada	in my completely unprofessional opinion....i would suggest inviting her along with a couple of your training sessions. that way she can see for sure that there is nothing going on between the two of you. maybe you could teach her some of the things you are doing to help him out, and she will be appreciative and reallize that you are strictly helping him out in a "proffessional" manner. but chances are, if there is no trust in their relationship now, then it will be very unlikely for thier relationship to last. so be prepared to be her "reason they broke up such a beautiful friendship"

10-12-2003, 08:47 PM	#11 (permalink)
analog Banned	if you're just hanging out and not actually doing antyhing with him, then there should be no evidence to say you two are screwing around. if she's so insecure about him and a female FRIEND who HELPS HIM TRAIN and doesn't just cruise malls or go to movies with, then that relationship might well be doomed. i'd just ignore her until she brings it up to you directly. if she does, then you should tell her the truth- you're helping him train, and you're his friend, and if she can't trust her own fiancee with something as simple as a female friend, of which any guy will have MANY over the course of a lifetime, then she should sit and have a talk with him about her issues.

10-12-2003, 09:44 PM	#12 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	it's not that she thinks we're screwing around now, it's that she thinks he will eventually. i don't really want to confront her about it because she seems like a really nice person. when i confront people, i'm not known for being nice. i prefer the facade of being a nice person. oh and by the way, communication is always key. he has been trying to talk with her about this in a logical way, but it doesn't seem to be getting through. __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

10-13-2003, 01:03 AM	#13 (permalink)
Sledge Pasture Bedtime	Man, my girlfriend (call her Steph) was involved in a similarly fucky situation last year. She and I have a guy friend and a girl friend. We were close, but he and Steph were especially close. So when he started dating the girl friend, she decided she didn't want him talking to Steph anymore and told him as much. So, um. I guess I don't really have any advice for you, because the situation remedied itself with a violent breakup. I do empathize though; it sucks to be the distrusted one, more so when there's no reason for it but the accuser's paranoia.

10-13-2003, 06:15 AM	#14 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	There was a neighbor woman (PLEASE don't think I'm saying you are anything like this woman) that hubby used to be crazy about. I was nice to her and all and talked with her sometimes too. She had a nice body and she loved to show off her body which he was nuts about. He was constantly wanting to go over and chat with her and to help her with stuff. He helped rearrange her livingroom for example and often let her vent about her boyfriends. Now hubby and I were married and she had numerous boyfriends. Thing is I could tell he was almost obsessed by her talking about her often. It wasn't necessarily like she'd "steal" him but I just didn't want him going there to see her. She was manipulative and it would make him upset sometimes which I ended up having to deal with. I knew hubby and didn't trust him to not want to play around with her. I just said all that to suggest - maybe he acts a little like he likes you or she interprets it that way. He may not be totally up front with her either. When hubby would go over to her place without telling me or not even come home from work until nearly 2 or 3 hours late because he'd gone over there it bothered me. I know what you mean about wanting her to trust you. Personally I think it's a trust issue between her and him. I would suggest you have a talk with him and tell him you will still be friends but that until he's able to work this out with her that you will reduce contact with him. Try not to do any studying or work on projects together. If she is right for him he will work it out before long. If not he'll figure it out, but either way you'll still be friends and can get back in touch when things are calmer. I don't think this has anything to do with you. I think she needs to either learn to trust him or he needs to find out she's too much trouble to be worth the relationship. You stepping back for a while would be the best way for them to find out those things. Good luck. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma. Last edited by raeanna74; 10-13-2003 at 06:20 AM..

10-13-2003, 12:47 PM	#15 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	I talked to him today. I told him he should work things out with her before doing the training stuff with me. If they don't talk about it now until things get sorted, it will just snowball. He said things have been ironed out between him and her. He said that she won't get jealous or anything if I help him out with training. So we'll see how things turn out. __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

10-18-2003, 09:52 AM	#16 (permalink)
Aladdin Sane Degenerate Location: San Marvelous	motdakasha, you never said: Do you have any interest in the guy other than friendship? And are you like a total knockout? __________________ Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

10-18-2003, 01:45 PM	#18 (permalink)
Aladdin Sane Degenerate Location: San Marvelous	Mybad. Sorry, I didn't read it carefully. Yes, beauty is . . . blah blah blah. But my point is, if you are an obviously sex-loving babe, and this girl is the real jealous type, it's not going to matter what you do or say-- she's just not gonna like you hanging around her man. :O) __________________ Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

10-22-2003, 01:26 PM	#19 (permalink)
Crazy/Beautiful Loser Location: In solitude	I get jealous easily of other girls. Usually pretty ones with good personalities! If she is just a jealous person in general she probably has low self-esteem too, and thinks badly of herself, and that he might always be on the lookout for someone new. Well that's how i think! But if she seems to especially be targeting you, take it as a compliment, that she finds you to be worthy competition. But in all actuality she's probably using you as a scapegoat to vent her fears about him cheating in general When you hang out with your friend try to include her in things so she won't feel excluded and maybe she will reliaze you are too nice a person to do something like that. Confrontation doesn't help much though and she'll just have more reason to dislike you. Don't worry you did nothing wrong, you shouldn't have to get involved in their mess.