attracted to who you cant have - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

vveronica · 08-12-2003, 10:30 AM

I guess I need to get imput from guys and girls as to if I'm crazy or just something.

When I was growing up in a very disfunctional home. I think By the time I was 12 my father was on his 3rd wife. My mother having been gone from the age of 5. I have a half brother was the one who basically raised me. He is 16 years older and when I would get in trouble he was the one who was there. Even when he was out of town with the team, if I needed him, he was there. Once he even missed a game and was fined and never said a word he just came to my rescue. When things got really bad at home i moved in with him at 14.

Now I'm 23 and we are still close. I'm 4'11" and am 90 pounds like my mom and he is 6'4 and around 300# like my father, so not much outwardly similiar genetics. I find myself attracted to older big men. I figure it is just me trying to find a guy like him.
But, see now I just moved 600 miles away and find myself fantasizing about him. He's single and so am I and I know there is this huge taboo on this. I just cant get him out of my mind.

Am I crazy?

Your input would be appreciated....

MacGnG · 08-12-2003, 10:56 AM

because you cant really do that, i think that tempts you but you cant. so i think its just a fantasy.

you just gotta find someone else to fantasize about

Sparhawk · 08-12-2003, 11:17 AM

You're not crazy, you just have a bit of an oedipus complex.

skysooner · 08-12-2003, 11:25 AM

It's fairly normal. I had a crush on a female cousin for the longest time. Relatives are kind of like friends in a way. You don't have some of the social barriers like you have with just meeting strangers. It allows you to be more open with them, so it is natural to have "feelings" when you have an emotional connection. This, however, does not help when it comes to the social conventions against it. You would never be able to marry, and there would always be a stigma against it. You would also not dare have children due to possible genetic problems. That is why there are laws against this now. It didn't used to be taboo to do this, but science proved that mating with a close relative led to a much higher incidence of genetic problems.

RoadRage · 08-12-2003, 11:35 AM

Forbidden fruit is always more tempting than what's readily available, until you bite into it. It tastes so bitter that you'll always regret having known it.

Try to find someone similar to him. This is not as a replacement for him, but this would be someone of the type you're already attracted to. This will also likely be someone he'll be friends with as well.

World's King · 08-12-2003, 12:20 PM

My friend give me shit for being attracted to girl with really short hair because my sister and my mom have really short hair.

I try to ignore it.

Charlatan · 08-12-2003, 12:42 PM

This isn't an oedipus complex (that complex is where the son falls for his mother) this is an elektra complex (daughter falls for her father - or father figure in this case).

Honestly, I would see a therapist. You need to work this out.

lurkette · 08-12-2003, 01:28 PM

I agree with Charlatan. Therapy might be helpful, given your dysfunctional background. I know a lot of people who have these 'savior' fantasies about people who take care of them and rescue them from bad situations; yours just happens, unfortunately, to be your brother. It's not bad at all to admire him and to feel affection for him, but when you're confusing sexual attraction with filial love, there's a problem. When you do have a relationship you should be with the person because you love THEM, not because they are a socially acceptable sexual substitute for your brother.

Mephisto2 · 08-12-2003, 06:02 PM

I think both of the above two posts are too harsh.

See a therapist?

Do you recommend that a woman (or man for that matter) should see a therapist because they have rape fantasies for example? And that is very common.

Fantasies are just that.

Don't worry. It's normal to fantasize about what is taboo or unattainable.

Just don't go acting on it!..

Mr Mephisto

Leviathan[NCV] · 08-12-2003, 06:41 PM

I have to agree with Mephisto on this, it doesn't quite warrant a 'need' for therapy, though it may help, and I do reccomend it.

Just keep it where nobody can get hurt...

rainheart · 08-12-2003, 07:00 PM

No I think Lurkette is right. In fact if you come from a dysfunctional family, what may have happened is your parents/someone else got all the attention and you were left on your own so maybe you should seek professional help.

You should definately seek therapy if these fantasies end up crippling you from living normally (e.g. you meet some guy you are attracted to and end up brushing him off for your half brother who isn't aware of your fantasies).

tset · 08-12-2003, 07:51 PM

I would just forget about him as a potential sexual partner. I don't think anything good can come of your attraction to him. Just my 2 cents.

Mephisto2 · 08-12-2003, 11:44 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by vveronica
... ... and find myself fantasizing about him. He's single and so am I and I know there is this huge taboo on this. I just cant get him out of my mind.

Am I crazy?

Your input would be appreciated....

Once again, I believe everyone telling you to get therapy are over-reacting.

As long as these are just fantasies, then just deal with it. You "know" it's wrong, hence the fantasy in the first place and the request for advice here in the second place.

Sheesh...

Talk about giving you a hard time. You Americans are obsessed with therapy...

Trust me. You will soon find an alternative sexual fantasy.

Mr Mephisto

motdakasha · 08-13-2003, 02:05 AM

Not that I condone this, but:
If you want to research on laws in your state (or country?), you'll probably find that the law prohibits interfamily marriage with immediate family (father, mother, son, daughter). Seeing as how he isn't even related to you 100%, it's quite possible it's actually legal to date him if you chose to act upon your fantasies. The chances of genetic mutation and retardation due to inbreeding are actually extremely low and usually requires several generations of inbreeding to occur. I know of two people who've dated first cousins before, neither relationship worked out.

Anways, I'm guessing you are just fantasizing and not thinking about acting upon. In which case, I would say it's perfectly healthy to fantasize, even if it is taboo. Hell, there is even incest porn (literature as well as film) to aid you in your fantasies. (I only know this because one of my friends collects _all_ kinds of porn.) Although, it's more typical for the incest porn to involve immediate family. And it's safe if you don't act upon your fantasies because they are just that, your imagination.

Oh, and I would recommend therapy, but not because of your fantasies. Anyone can benefit from a therapist, even people who see themselves as coming from a functional family. But since you say you come from a dysfunctional one, you might benefit more than someone from a "healthy" family. Everyone has emotional baggage that could use a little work and healing.

Zooksport2 · 08-13-2003, 02:57 AM

Well, for what its worth, I'm a bit left of centre in relation to the general views as expressed here. Discuss this with your step brother. Listen to your heart. Listen to that little jerk inside your head. I do not think a therapist is needed, but certainly you need to share this rocky path ahead. A close, loyal, trustworthy friend? A priest? A phone help desk? "A problem shared, is a problem halved"

Zook

Charlatan · 08-13-2003, 12:02 PM

1. If these are just fantasies and nothing more then clearly Mr. Mephisto is correct. However, I got the impression that this is more than just fantasies... if this is the case then therapy might be in order.

2. It wasn't crystal clear in your post but I did get the impression that you and your brother share the same father but have different mothers. If however you are not biologically related I agree with Motdashka's assesment.

skysooner · 08-13-2003, 12:07 PM

I do agree that the chances of genetic mutation are very low, but sometimes perception is more than reality. I'm more concerned with the social stigma that such a union might have, but then again I'm the only guy in my high school class whoe went on a date with the only black girl in our class (out of 700 students). If it isn't going to get you in any legal trouble where you live then go for it. Life is too short to have regrets.

08-12-2003, 10:30 AM	#1 (permalink)
vveronica Psycho Location: northern california	attracted to who you cant have I guess I need to get imput from guys and girls as to if I'm crazy or just something. When I was growing up in a very disfunctional home. I think By the time I was 12 my father was on his 3rd wife. My mother having been gone from the age of 5. I have a half brother was the one who basically raised me. He is 16 years older and when I would get in trouble he was the one who was there. Even when he was out of town with the team, if I needed him, he was there. Once he even missed a game and was fined and never said a word he just came to my rescue. When things got really bad at home i moved in with him at 14. Now I'm 23 and we are still close. I'm 4'11" and am 90 pounds like my mom and he is 6'4 and around 300# like my father, so not much outwardly similiar genetics. I find myself attracted to older big men. I figure it is just me trying to find a guy like him. But, see now I just moved 600 miles away and find myself fantasizing about him. He's single and so am I and I know there is this huge taboo on this. I just cant get him out of my mind. Am I crazy? Your input would be appreciated....

08-12-2003, 11:17 AM	#3 (permalink)
Sparhawk Dubya Location: VA	You're not crazy, you just have a bit of an oedipus complex. __________________ "In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard. It's - and it's hard work. I understand how hard it is. I get the casualty reports every day. I see on the TV screens how hard it is. But it's necessary work. We're making progress. It is hard work."

08-12-2003, 11:35 AM	#5 (permalink)
RoadRage Stay off the sidewalk! Location: Oklahoma City, OK	Forbidden fruit is always more tempting than what's readily available, until you bite into it. It tastes so bitter that you'll always regret having known it. Try to find someone similar to him. This is not as a replacement for him, but this would be someone of the type you're already attracted to. This will also likely be someone he'll be friends with as well. __________________ Join TFP Team SETI 43K workunits complete, 34 members, more of each needed.

08-12-2003, 12:20 PM	#6 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	My friend give me shit for being attracted to girl with really short hair because my sister and my mom have really short hair. I try to ignore it. __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

08-12-2003, 12:42 PM	#7 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	This isn't an oedipus complex (that complex is where the son falls for his mother) this is an elektra complex (daughter falls for her father - or father figure in this case). Honestly, I would see a therapist. You need to work this out. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

08-12-2003, 10:56 AM	#2 (permalink)
MacGnG Know Where!	because you cant really do that, i think that tempts you but you cant. so i think its just a fantasy. you just gotta find someone else to fantasize about

08-12-2003, 11:25 AM	#4 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	It's fairly normal. I had a crush on a female cousin for the longest time. Relatives are kind of like friends in a way. You don't have some of the social barriers like you have with just meeting strangers. It allows you to be more open with them, so it is natural to have "feelings" when you have an emotional connection. This, however, does not help when it comes to the social conventions against it. You would never be able to marry, and there would always be a stigma against it. You would also not dare have children due to possible genetic problems. That is why there are laws against this now. It didn't used to be taboo to do this, but science proved that mating with a close relative led to a much higher incidence of genetic problems.

08-12-2003, 01:28 PM	#8 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	I agree with Charlatan. Therapy might be helpful, given your dysfunctional background. I know a lot of people who have these 'savior' fantasies about people who take care of them and rescue them from bad situations; yours just happens, unfortunately, to be your brother. It's not bad at all to admire him and to feel affection for him, but when you're confusing sexual attraction with filial love, there's a problem. When you do have a relationship you should be with the person because you love THEM, not because they are a socially acceptable sexual substitute for your brother. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

08-12-2003, 06:02 PM	#9 (permalink)
Mephisto2 Junkie	I think both of the above two posts are too harsh. See a therapist? Do you recommend that a woman (or man for that matter) should see a therapist because they have rape fantasies for example? And that is very common. Fantasies are just that. Don't worry. It's normal to fantasize about what is taboo or unattainable. Just don't go acting on it!.. Mr Mephisto

08-12-2003, 06:41 PM	#10 (permalink)
Leviathan[NCV] Well... Location: afk	I have to agree with Mephisto on this, it doesn't quite warrant a 'need' for therapy, though it may help, and I do reccomend it. Just keep it where nobody can get hurt...

08-12-2003, 07:00 PM	#11 (permalink)
rainheart Psycho	No I think Lurkette is right. In fact if you come from a dysfunctional family, what may have happened is your parents/someone else got all the attention and you were left on your own so maybe you should seek professional help. You should definately seek therapy if these fantasies end up crippling you from living normally (e.g. you meet some guy you are attracted to and end up brushing him off for your half brother who isn't aware of your fantasies).

08-12-2003, 07:51 PM	#12 (permalink)
tset Upright	I would just forget about him as a potential sexual partner. I don't think anything good can come of your attraction to him. Just my 2 cents.

08-13-2003, 02:05 AM	#14 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	Not that I condone this, but: If you want to research on laws in your state (or country?), you'll probably find that the law prohibits interfamily marriage with immediate family (father, mother, son, daughter). Seeing as how he isn't even related to you 100%, it's quite possible it's actually legal to date him if you chose to act upon your fantasies. The chances of genetic mutation and retardation due to inbreeding are actually extremely low and usually requires several generations of inbreeding to occur. I know of two people who've dated first cousins before, neither relationship worked out. Anways, I'm guessing you are just fantasizing and not thinking about acting upon. In which case, I would say it's perfectly healthy to fantasize, even if it is taboo. Hell, there is even incest porn (literature as well as film) to aid you in your fantasies. (I only know this because one of my friends collects _all_ kinds of porn.) Although, it's more typical for the incest porn to involve immediate family. And it's safe if you don't act upon your fantasies because they are just that, your imagination. Oh, and I would recommend therapy, but not because of your fantasies. Anyone can benefit from a therapist, even people who see themselves as coming from a functional family. But since you say you come from a dysfunctional one, you might benefit more than someone from a "healthy" family. Everyone has emotional baggage that could use a little work and healing. __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.) Last edited by motdakasha; 08-13-2003 at 02:10 AM..

08-13-2003, 02:57 AM	#15 (permalink)
Zooksport2 Casual... Real Casual Location: Orstraylia	Well, for what its worth, I'm a bit left of centre in relation to the general views as expressed here. Discuss this with your step brother. Listen to your heart. Listen to that little jerk inside your head. I do not think a therapist is needed, but certainly you need to share this rocky path ahead. A close, loyal, trustworthy friend? A priest? A phone help desk? "A problem shared, is a problem halved" Zook __________________ "And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking. Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but your older, shorter of breath, and one day closer to death" ...pink floyd

08-13-2003, 12:02 PM	#16 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	1. If these are just fantasies and nothing more then clearly Mr. Mephisto is correct. However, I got the impression that this is more than just fantasies... if this is the case then therapy might be in order. 2. It wasn't crystal clear in your post but I did get the impression that you and your brother share the same father but have different mothers. If however you are not biologically related I agree with Motdashka's assesment. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

08-13-2003, 12:07 PM	#17 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	I do agree that the chances of genetic mutation are very low, but sometimes perception is more than reality. I'm more concerned with the social stigma that such a union might have, but then again I'm the only guy in my high school class whoe went on a date with the only black girl in our class (out of 700 students). If it isn't going to get you in any legal trouble where you live then go for it. Life is too short to have regrets.