Tech

so i'm going to start this by saying that i always enjoy reading everyone's commentary and advice (and feel free to continue here!), but in this case i am really just getting this off my chest more than feeling conflicted or "oh what do i do about this girl" etc.

that said, i just finished my 3rd date with this girl and tonight we had sex. before that we had several conversations, as any good dates have. relevant to this issue was me talking about how i am really trying to be as honest as possible with the people i am dating, as i feel that might have been some of the falling out of my past relationships. she seemed to agree, or at least was happy to hear that i was trying to be honest. we also have had a couple conversations about sex/physical stuff. on our 2nd date we started to get "hot n heavy" and she expressed that she has felt she had moved to fast in the past and didn't want to make the same mistake again. i was fine with that so there we left it. today i asked her how she feels about what we did/didn't do last time, now that she has had time to reflect or at least not be in the heat of the moment. she said she felt good about it and reiterated that she has moved too far too fast in the past, but was okay with where we were.

so we're making out again tonight and things are progressing along, and at a certain point i ask her if there is anything she does or doesn't want to do today. she says she wants to have sex with me but isn't sure if she should, since this is only our 3rd date. we talked for a bit about whether that "should" is out of her own morals or what she has always been told is "right," and i said that if she didn't feel set on doing it, then it's not going to hurt anything to wait for a few more dates for her to figure out for sure.

she then asks me when i "usually" have sex, and i tell her there is no "usually" for me and proceed to spill my sexual history. long story short, 3 girls: 1 was a girl i was casually dating and i wanted to get it over with, 2 was a long-term relationship that we didn't start having sex for 5 or 6 months, 3 was just a friend who also wanted to get it over with and we decided i should "pass the buck." i tell her i am totally fine with whatever she wants to do, and we are kissing again, and she says she wants to have sex.

i oblige, the details of that aren't really important (i know, i know, leaving out the good stuff) but afterwards we are talking about how it went and doing it again, nothing deep or important. i make the comment that she probably has more experience than me, but in my experience it takes a time or two to "feel each other out." she then tells me that was her first time.

uggh. now, for the record, i am not very good with remembering the exact words people tell me... so i'm not going to say that she at any point said she had sex with other men, but she certainly let me believe that she had and spoke with the assumption that that was what she was talking about. i understand that it's partially my fault for not asking for more clarity, but i kinda just felt like she'll tell me what she wants to tell me and i don't wanna pry (oops).

i asked her why she didn't tell me before. i brought up the fact that i talked about the importance of honesty and that i obviously wasn't going to have a problem with it (since i had already "helped out" my friend). she acknowledged those things but said she was still worried about telling me. ultimately she didn't have a good answer.

i know she didn't mean any harm by not telling me, but i really would have rather known. not only would i have rather known, but now i question other things she has told me/will tell me. i feel a little bit... used. sure it's only our 3rd date so there's always that chance when you don't know someone very well, and sure that's probably the lightest ball you can drop right after having sex, but it was still frustrating.

anyway *whew* it feels good to spit it all out. thanks for listening tfp'ers!

__________________
-Tim-

~I swear sometimes i feel like i'm married to a child.
~You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, cause if i'm a child than you know what that makes you? a pedophile. and i'll be damned if i'm going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

Plan9

This is more of a blog post, but well-well, looks like you've just entered Man Hell: Virginity Declaration Edition.

A: The girl actually was a virgin. This is a problem because of whatever physical/psychological issues come with being The First.

B: The girl is a horrible liar. She's tongue-tickled the balls of the entire college football team but drops the virgin line anyway.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

genuinegirly

Wow. She put you in a terrible position. Considering the honesty you're offering, I wouldn't put up with that.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Plan9

At least he got laid, right?

...

I dunno, bro. Where this relationship is going dictates how much you should invest in it. Is it sex or is it more?

If you're just having some carnal fun... who cares? If you wanna make A Big Deal outta it... well, this isn't a good start.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

ASU2003

How old are you?

And how did she take things too fast in previous relationships, but having sex in 3 dates for her first time counts as taking things slow?

cadre

My thoughts exactly.

This is a weird story. Nonetheless, I have had a similar experience with my fiance. Our first time was his first time and despite many conversations about sex he never once mentioned it until about two years later. There's nothing you can change about it now but the whole honesty thing may be something for you to think about. If she can't be honest about that, what happens when there is a real issue that needs to be discussed?

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My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

Tech

i'm 27, she's 22. and i have no idea how she took things too fast in previous relationships. i thought i knew, but i was just assuming (oops). obviously i need to ask for more details if i really want to know.

__________________
-Tim-

~I swear sometimes i feel like i'm married to a child.
~You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, cause if i'm a child than you know what that makes you? a pedophile. and i'll be damned if i'm going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

Cimarron29414

Anybody else think of this during that story?

Attached Images

wedding_crashers_DF-14260F.jpg (8.6 KB, 166 views)

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Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

MSD

Third date? You've found a data source for whom mean average equals modal average, you should be enthralled by this.

Plan9

You're such a nerd.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

C0NFUSED

She turned out a virgin...Big deal!
U can't blame her for not telling u beforehand, most guys would freak...why tho? For reasons I don't agree with.
She might get more attached to u, but hey, someone has to lose their virginity sometime, and then they move on.
So there are 2 outcomes:
a- either u guys break up now or later and she has a harder time moving on, but eventually does.
b- u get married and u being her only really makes what u have special.

The_Jazz

I'm pretty sure that there a whole lot more possible outcomes than this. You forgot that one of them goes crazy and kills the other, someone decides to enter the priesthood, someone fakes their own death, one of them actually dies in a tragic book-reading accident and that a rogue planet zooms between the Earth and the Moon causing oceans to spill and Thundar to meet Ookla the Mok.

There are always more than two possible outcomes.

They could get married and be miserable together. They could become swingers. She could decide that she's a lesbian. All of which are MUCH more plausible than any of my first list and equally plausible to both of yours.

Tech, you made the mistake of assuming. There's also the very distinct possibility that she was sexually active virgin before you met her. As Plan9 said, she could have blown the entire football team but never had intercourse.

Going forward, I'd take the approach that if you want to know, you should ask. Is it bad that she withheld this tidbit? I'd say, nah, not so much. You didn't ask, she didn't feel the need to volunteer it. You asked if she wanted to, and she said yes. End of story. Stop thinking so much about it.

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"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

SecretMethod70

My thought exactly. I don't really see why someone should be expected to declare that they are a virgin before having sex. Do you expect every person you have sex with to give an exact number of how many other people they slept with? That's all virginity is - all counting starts at 0. Don't make this into a bigger issue than it needs to be

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Le temps détruit tout

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