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Tech · 03-31-2010, 06:29 PM

so i'm going to start this by saying that i always enjoy reading everyone's commentary and advice (and feel free to continue here!), but in this case i am really just getting this off my chest more than feeling conflicted or "oh what do i do about this girl" etc.

that said, i just finished my 3rd date with this girl and tonight we had sex. before that we had several conversations, as any good dates have. relevant to this issue was me talking about how i am really trying to be as honest as possible with the people i am dating, as i feel that might have been some of the falling out of my past relationships. she seemed to agree, or at least was happy to hear that i was trying to be honest. we also have had a couple conversations about sex/physical stuff. on our 2nd date we started to get "hot n heavy" and she expressed that she has felt she had moved to fast in the past and didn't want to make the same mistake again. i was fine with that so there we left it. today i asked her how she feels about what we did/didn't do last time, now that she has had time to reflect or at least not be in the heat of the moment. she said she felt good about it and reiterated that she has moved too far too fast in the past, but was okay with where we were.

so we're making out again tonight and things are progressing along, and at a certain point i ask her if there is anything she does or doesn't want to do today. she says she wants to have sex with me but isn't sure if she should, since this is only our 3rd date. we talked for a bit about whether that "should" is out of her own morals or what she has always been told is "right," and i said that if she didn't feel set on doing it, then it's not going to hurt anything to wait for a few more dates for her to figure out for sure.

she then asks me when i "usually" have sex, and i tell her there is no "usually" for me and proceed to spill my sexual history. long story short, 3 girls: 1 was a girl i was casually dating and i wanted to get it over with, 2 was a long-term relationship that we didn't start having sex for 5 or 6 months, 3 was just a friend who also wanted to get it over with and we decided i should "pass the buck." i tell her i am totally fine with whatever she wants to do, and we are kissing again, and she says she wants to have sex.

i oblige, the details of that aren't really important (i know, i know, leaving out the good stuff) but afterwards we are talking about how it went and doing it again, nothing deep or important. i make the comment that she probably has more experience than me, but in my experience it takes a time or two to "feel each other out." she then tells me that was her first time.

uggh. now, for the record, i am not very good with remembering the exact words people tell me... so i'm not going to say that she at any point said she had sex with other men, but she certainly let me believe that she had and spoke with the assumption that that was what she was talking about. i understand that it's partially my fault for not asking for more clarity, but i kinda just felt like she'll tell me what she wants to tell me and i don't wanna pry (oops).

i asked her why she didn't tell me before. i brought up the fact that i talked about the importance of honesty and that i obviously wasn't going to have a problem with it (since i had already "helped out" my friend). she acknowledged those things but said she was still worried about telling me. ultimately she didn't have a good answer.

i know she didn't mean any harm by not telling me, but i really would have rather known. not only would i have rather known, but now i question other things she has told me/will tell me. i feel a little bit... used. sure it's only our 3rd date so there's always that chance when you don't know someone very well, and sure that's probably the lightest ball you can drop right after having sex, but it was still frustrating.

anyway *whew* it feels good to spit it all out. thanks for listening tfp'ers!

03-31-2010, 06:29 PM	#1 (permalink)
Tech Addict Location: Baltimore MD	Sex and Honesty so i'm going to start this by saying that i always enjoy reading everyone's commentary and advice (and feel free to continue here!), but in this case i am really just getting this off my chest more than feeling conflicted or "oh what do i do about this girl" etc. that said, i just finished my 3rd date with this girl and tonight we had sex. before that we had several conversations, as any good dates have. relevant to this issue was me talking about how i am really trying to be as honest as possible with the people i am dating, as i feel that might have been some of the falling out of my past relationships. she seemed to agree, or at least was happy to hear that i was trying to be honest. we also have had a couple conversations about sex/physical stuff. on our 2nd date we started to get "hot n heavy" and she expressed that she has felt she had moved to fast in the past and didn't want to make the same mistake again. i was fine with that so there we left it. today i asked her how she feels about what we did/didn't do last time, now that she has had time to reflect or at least not be in the heat of the moment. she said she felt good about it and reiterated that she has moved too far too fast in the past, but was okay with where we were. so we're making out again tonight and things are progressing along, and at a certain point i ask her if there is anything she does or doesn't want to do today. she says she wants to have sex with me but isn't sure if she should, since this is only our 3rd date. we talked for a bit about whether that "should" is out of her own morals or what she has always been told is "right," and i said that if she didn't feel set on doing it, then it's not going to hurt anything to wait for a few more dates for her to figure out for sure. she then asks me when i "usually" have sex, and i tell her there is no "usually" for me and proceed to spill my sexual history. long story short, 3 girls: 1 was a girl i was casually dating and i wanted to get it over with, 2 was a long-term relationship that we didn't start having sex for 5 or 6 months, 3 was just a friend who also wanted to get it over with and we decided i should "pass the buck." i tell her i am totally fine with whatever she wants to do, and we are kissing again, and she says she wants to have sex. i oblige, the details of that aren't really important (i know, i know, leaving out the good stuff) but afterwards we are talking about how it went and doing it again, nothing deep or important. i make the comment that she probably has more experience than me, but in my experience it takes a time or two to "feel each other out." she then tells me that was her first time. uggh. now, for the record, i am not very good with remembering the exact words people tell me... so i'm not going to say that she at any point said she had sex with other men, but she certainly let me believe that she had and spoke with the assumption that that was what she was talking about. i understand that it's partially my fault for not asking for more clarity, but i kinda just felt like she'll tell me what she wants to tell me and i don't wanna pry (oops). i asked her why she didn't tell me before. i brought up the fact that i talked about the importance of honesty and that i obviously wasn't going to have a problem with it (since i had already "helped out" my friend). she acknowledged those things but said she was still worried about telling me. ultimately she didn't have a good answer. i know she didn't mean any harm by not telling me, but i really would have rather known. not only would i have rather known, but now i question other things she has told me/will tell me. i feel a little bit... used. sure it's only our 3rd date so there's always that chance when you don't know someone very well, and sure that's probably the lightest ball you can drop right after having sex, but it was still frustrating. anyway whew it feels good to spit it all out. thanks for listening tfp'ers! __________________ -Tim- ~I swear sometimes i feel like i'm married to a child. ~You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, cause if i'm a child than you know what that makes you? a pedophile. and i'll be damned if i'm going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert.