Derwood

For various reasons, i decided Thursday night (10/30/08) to go cold turkey off of porn and masturbation. I was a daily (if not twice daily) masturbator and almost always used porn to get off. I felt like it was making me complacent about real sex, didn't really satisfy anything other than a physical urge, etc., etc.

So yeah, here I am, 4 days later. There are definitely some mild "withdrawal" symptoms, mostly mental I think. When you've been satisfying whatever mental/chemical urge your brain has given you for 20 years, you're bound to feel something. Basically, I think about jerking off all day but refuse to cave.

I'm hoping that increasing frequency of real sex (with my wife) will redirect those urges in a more positive manner.


All that said, has anyone else tried this? Is it realistic to think I can go long stretches without masturbation/porn when it has been a near daily part of my life for close to 2 decades?

inBOIL

I have, but in a different kind of situation (lack of access to porn and limited access to attractive women). It's not so much an addiction, as a habit of falling into a certain way of thinking when presented with particular stimuli. Keeping your mind on other things helps, as does training yourself to realize when you're thinking about sex so that you can redirect your attention. I got to the point where I would go days without thinking about sex, and about a month without masturbating. I didn't notice any side effects, either. It boils down to learning to control your thoughts.

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BCD

I do this periodically. What I've done instead of masturbating and porn is to look for ways to improve sex with my wife: reading instructional books and online sources, working out, getting more in-tune to my wife's subtle signals, etc. I think this is a good way to focus and develop your sexual energy in a positive way rather than trying to shut it off completely.

Derwood

Part of my decision making was the fact that my physical response to porn/masturbation was stronger than my response to actual sex. It's not a matter of attraction (I love my wife to death and think she's very sexy), but after so many years of this, I felt that my mind is trained to respond to the wrong stimuli. I'm hoping I can retrain it

hunnychile

Derwood...you must be a nice/good man - who really loves his wife! Has your wife been helpful and is she glad that you are "refocusing" attention on your sex life & inimate relationship with her? I'd think so, but one never knows.

Good luck giving up the daily porn sessions for the REAL stuff. Do keep us informed on your progress. I'll bet you find your quality of life improves in more ways than one.

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allfullup

The withdrawal symptoms are probably endorphin-related. I have them myself after a few days without orgasm.

If the wife does her part by helping re-condition you to rewards from her instead of the porn, I think it will work out as well as you hope.

jewels

It might help to change the way you see it. Instead of "I'm giving it up", think about how you may be enhancing your relationship.

That's just gotta make it easier.

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Vigilante

I jerk to porn maybe once a year so porn itself is not something I feel the need to see, although if it's easily accessible I don't avoid it. I rarely take a break from my daily or multiple daily jerk time. If I do, I get super grouchy the next day, almost fighting mad if someone pushes me a little more then usual, then the day after and from then on I'm chill. I prefer to jerk though, it's fun . I have no problem performing for the wife afterward.

I'll add that jerking off is the one vice I won't quit. Smoked for years and had no problem quitting. Drinking was never an issue. Neither was weed, even the laced shit. Sure was fun though, good God. I don't really have an addictive personality, but I do use jerking as a way to get through the day. First thing in the morning, then my day is great. No baby batter on the brain LOL.

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Halx

I'm not sure how long this initiative will last for me, but I am experimenting with not orgasming through masturbation. Doesn't mean I wont touch myself, I just wont pop. I will save the actual orgasm for acts of sex with a partner.

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Derwood

so...self imposed blue balls?

BCD

I do the same thing. Really helps my control (and gives me confidence in my control which allows me to concentrate on pleasing my wife) during the act.

Derwood

interesting. I don't last particularly long in either situation

Vigilante

I'm not bragging, but the first time I had real, slam it home and watch her squeal sex, I just thought about lots of things and kept going for at least an hour. I was younger too, so of course I could have blown my load about 10 times during that event haha. I marvel at how well I kept control but kept it hard as well. I tend to drift too far now if I let my mind wander, then it starts to go soft. Age, I guess...

Anyways Derwood, point is if you can drift into other thoughts but not go too far (such as negative emotion responses) then you can last as long as you want. The other side to that is you don't have to give yourself self-imposed blue balls 0_o

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Derwood

doesn't work for me. There is a strong, physical reaction to penetration that I don't get with masturbation. It's not mental, it's not "over excitement", it's a pure, physical response.

Halx

Who has ACTUALLY gotten blue balls? I'm sure its a myth.

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SabrinaFair

My ex used to get it every so often. When we couldn't get busy for one reason or another but had some physical activity, he'd get a little achy.

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dlish

funnily enough, i was speaking to a urologist and he said that there is some truth behind it. just not to the extentt hat people think

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Anormalguy

My urologist suggested orgasming at least four times a week.

BOT, I understand what the OP is saying. Doing it yourself is sometimes a lot easier than trying to keep the fire burning after many years of marriage (21+ years here).

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Vigilante

Me. I don't know why they call it blue balls, but it can definitely be uncomfortable. One time it was like getting my nuts lightly thumped. Not enough to double over, but enough to make the experience unpleasant. It happened in my teens, I haven't experienced it in years.

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Derwood

I got blue balls all the time in high school (back when your girlfriend would let you kiss and feel her tits for 2 hours but never got you off). That said, it's been probably 15 years since that happened. I also don't get raging hard-ons anymore, so....

Xerxys

Raging hard-ons, brings a memory of every morning to mind, also the blue balls suck, thank god they don't turn blue, but thing is, with me, masturbation is not healthy, seeing as it plays more on my phsychie than my "wanting to release an urge" kinda feeling.

When growing up as an anti-social person, I have a negative mindset view that j/o is the lowest of the low of the anti-social. In fact, being this way, means I always surround myself with people only to find myself feeling even more alone!! How redundant is that? I feel alone when with people and much better when alone??!!

With that said, I don't j/o anymore, at least, not by myself anyway. I just cant feel sexual in anyway if there isn't someone else in the room!! This has to change, and soon!!

Derwood

fell off the wagon today

Dexter Morgan

I don't think it's the jerking that has an effect on how you respond to a real partner, it's the visual stimuli of porn. Porn typically takes people to pretty intense heights of arousal very quickly, especially since porn is made and marketed to appeal to sometimes very specific types of fantasies. The bodies are "perfect", the women's sexual appetites are "perfect" (i.e., without context, willing to satisfy all whims, etc), the fantasies are perfectly crafted (say you've got a fetish for interracial pregnant fucking - that's TWO ways in which normal, un-pregnant wife is not as "good" as your fantasy). Before long, porn more or less gives you everything you want mentally, with the orgasm in the end. Real-life sex just can't compete, no matter how much you love your partner or how sexy you think they are.

I think my parents are experiencing this problem right now. I know my mother is frustrated as all fuck, and my dad, well . . . he's got porn. Of course, I'm sworn to silence, so I can't go up to my dad, hit him in the head, and tell him to knock it off with all the porn so my mother can get laid.

Jetée

Somewhat the same, but with a caveat...

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/tilted-...mpossible.html

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Derwood

yeah, that sums it up pretty well. I'm certainly turned on by the "willingness" and "aggressiveness" of women in porn. In real life, if i'm going to get laid, then it's ALWAYS me who has to initiate it.

Dexter Morgan

Ever thought of making it a joint effort - in that, while you're abstaining from the porn, you're also doing things to sort of encourage your wife to initiate sex?

For instance, maybe leaving her little notes in places you know she'll see them. Or sending emails from work, or whatever. Just things like, "You're so sexy". Or "Thinking about you all day has gotten me so turned on." Just stuff that will surprise and flatter her, and hopefully get her thinking about the things she likes for you to do to her. Throw in a squeeze around the waist while she's making dinner, a caress of the thigh underneath the table while you're eating, maybe an "I love you" whispered close to her ear . . . just little things to stoke the fire. It may not qualify as sitting around watching SportsCenter and suddenly finding your wife has spontaneously scissor-locked your cock with wanton abandon, but marriage is compromise.

What's more, try to actually make it genuine; when you're sending those emails or writing those little notes, actually take a moment or two out of your day (if possible) to just get a mental image, something incredibly sexy or erotic your wife has done. I think one of the biggest problems men seem to have (mine included!) is using their imaginations to get aroused, rather than their eyes and ears.

Derwood

we've talked about it, and it's an ongoing thing. her (general) attitude is that she has to be an aggressive, pro-active person at work all day and likes being passive in bed. so we basically have two sexually passive people in our relationship. it'll always be a work in progress

inBOIL

This phrase keeps repeating in my head. It's got a lyrical, poetic quality, and its dirty, too.

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And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.