I like her, but she has herpes :( - Page 2 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Anormalguy · 09-26-2008, 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by genuinegirly

This is the part of your post that concerns me most. She sees her STD in direct relation to this history, so perhaps she has matured and moved beyond those habits. Still, I personally would not like to begin a relationship with someone who has a history of addictive behavior.

That's certainly thought provoking, & worthy of a thread of it's own.

Makedde · 09-26-2008, 09:29 PM

Now, is herpes only contagious when they flare up? If they are dormant now, I doubt she is contagious. I would give her a chance. It's not her fault she's infected, after all. Just be careful, always use a condom, and perhaps try and get some medication for her so she can treat them?

cadre · 09-26-2008, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Makedde

Now, is herpes only contagious when they flare up? If they are dormant now, I doubt she is contagious. I would give her a chance. It's not her fault she's infected, after all. Just be careful, always use a condom, and perhaps try and get some medication for her so she can treat them?

Well do we know that it wasn't her fault that she got the infection? I mean, if he willingly puts himself at risk and he does catch herpes wouldn't it be his fault?

This is a tough decision and we can't make it for you but I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Makedde · 09-26-2008, 09:42 PM

I don't think we can blame people for their past mistakes. This woman was infected seven years ago. Is she living the same kind of lifestyle as she was back then? If not, chances are she accepts her mistake - she seems to respect her sexual partners too, if she didn't, the OP would never have been told she was infected. It's good she felt she could trust him with her problem.

dlish · 09-27-2008, 12:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItWasMe

Personally, I think that's a great option for a person who is willing to take a risk if it were a long term or permanent relationship. I once dated someone with Herpes, and this is what I did. I was glad I had not taken chances when we split 6 months later.

i quote this posta s well as paprora for truth..

if you break up..you're screwed. can you guarantee that you're going to stay with her forever? if no..ditch it.

nobody is worth having a long life virus for

nsfx · 10-02-2008, 11:24 AM

I went through a similar situation but the other person had HPV, not HSV. I am the biggest hypochondriac in the world. I couldn't bring myself to move forward with the relationship. Regret? Sometimes not. Sometimes so. In the end, there are plenty of fish in the sea. You may find someone just like her but without the disease. It's a harsh way of thinking, but it's the reality of it.

engineering83 · 10-02-2008, 11:47 AM

So what about someone who doesn't tell you they have an STD? For instance, I just got out of a relationship with someone a couple months ago. We started talking at the beginning of the year, and had sex a couple months later. STDs should have come up, but they didn't; I got tested before she came out to visit, just in case, and thought she was a great girl, we were honest and open, and were clearly moving towards a relationship - not a one-night-stand type thing. A couple weeks after we slept together for the first time, were talking on the phone - talking about different things, including past skeletons, if you will - and she said, "oh my God, I forgot, I have HPV."

That really bothered me. I forgave her, and we worked on our relationship for a while, but it definitely hurt my trust and my feelings. To the OP: at least she was honest and upfront. I think I still would have dated my ex if she had told me first; granted, HPV doesn't have the same connotation as Herpes and isn't that bad (especially for a guy). No easy answer: sure think about you first (esp after dating for only a month), but if you really dig her, great. Maybe just hold off on the sex a lot longer, that way you can find out homuch you really like her.

Hopefully not thread-jacking, but how should I approach things now? HPV supposedly clears after a few months/years, but there's no test for guys to be sure. Furthermore, condoms don't offer complete protection (I guess), so basically any time I want to sleep with a girl -- even using protection -- I feel like I should tell them. There are a couple girls I like and I told both of them and they were pretty accepting. But will I have to say, "I might have HPV" as long as forever? Unless a partner comes back clean after a few years? I wish my ex had told me so I could have made a more willing decision; again, to the OP: at least she was honest.

Zocrates · 10-02-2008, 03:55 PM

Oh man, What a predicament you've gotten yourself into. Here is my take. I'm 27 and in my lifetime I've dated two women with herpes. I'm still clean (lucky me), but, the relationships are tough. First things first, you are not doing her a favor, it might seem that way, but you are not. Second, herpes is very manageable, and if you believe she's worth the shot, then go for it. Third but not last, you have GOT to be comfortable and enjoy the relationship, that is the key man, if you don't enjoy her company and look past the fact that she has herpes then it will never work. Good luck dude and i really hope that you are a grown up and that you make the choice that is right FOR YOU. Don't listen to us, any of us, listen to the little guy that talks to you when you are all alone, you know him, the one that stares back at you from the mirror every morning, the same guy that whispers in your ear at night when you go to bed. Good luck brother. BTW, information, information, information; learn everything you can, if you like shoot me an e-mail and I'll tell you everything I've learned with my previous experiences, maybe it'll help. i'll pm you my e-mail.

Vigilante · 10-02-2008, 04:10 PM

I'm a freak about STDs. Herpes means it's time to go while the pain is minimal (pun intended).

Sorry, but herpes, for guys or girls, is damaged goods. HPV is damaged good. AIDS, well, you get the idea. My junk is clean and I plan to keep it that way. Now, I'm married so that is easy for me to say, but even before I was married I was still of that mindset. If the relationship is young, time to move on IMO. However if she was the one (and yes guys have their one too) then it might be time to stock up on valtrex, because if you're like me, you HATE condoms.

yotta · 10-02-2008, 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by engineering83

Hopefully not thread-jacking, but how should I approach things now? HPV supposedly clears after a few months/years, but there's no test for guys to be sure. Furthermore, condoms don't offer complete protection (I guess), so basically any time I want to sleep with a girl -- even using protection -- I feel like I should tell them. There are a couple girls I like and I told both of them and they were pretty accepting. But will I have to say, "I might have HPV" as long as forever? Unless a partner comes back clean after a few years? I wish my ex had told me so I could have made a more willing decision; again, to the OP: at least she was honest.

Several years ago I had sex with a girl who I afterwards found out had HPV, but I had been sane and used a condom. My girlfriend has had clean paps so I'm probably good. They have a vaccine for HPV now that women can get. Try "I was exposed to HPV X years ago, I haven't ever had symptoms, so I'm probably clean, but there is no test for men."

FlatLand Flyer · 01-17-2011, 09:38 PM

Old thread I know, but I just recently got into the same situation as the OP.

Met a great girl online, few dates, kissing, then she made me a great dinner (not common in women these days).

She had already told me that she needed to tell me something. I figured that it was that she smoked. Wrong, she has herpes and her very first boyfriend gave it to her. After that she was married for 10 years and her ex never showed symptoms, but never got tested either. She says she has not had an outbreak in years, but can 'feel' one coming and won't let anybody near hear until it's over.

I have read lots of stuff because she is otherwise a great girl.

She also says that my reservations since she has told me is all that she needs to know about how I feel. She thinks that I will always be paranoid or hold it against her. She may be right, she may be wrong.

This is a tough spot to be in.

Aladdin Sane · 01-19-2011, 08:23 AM

If she's a nice girl, I would consider myself a fool to walk away because of Herpes-- But I have dealt with herpes for 30 years.

Chumley · 01-30-2011, 11:00 PM

I got it when I was young and presumably foolish. I still don't know who gave it to me, which makes me feel kinda slutty. I think I know, but not sure. I had a gf who I was active with for 2 years or so, and she never caught it. We used condoms and never did it when I had an outbreak.

I would delay getting physical as long as you can, to make sure it's going to be a longterm hookup. Once you take the plunge, if you combine condoms and avoiding sex during an outbreak, you'd be really unlikely to get it, but it's not impossible.

Once you do have it, in the final analysis, it's really just an annoyance. I felt "violated" at first, and yea a bit like "damaged goods", but the reality is it's not that bad. Well, it's a little painful during an outbreak, but they are not that common. Here I am 20+ years later, married, etc -- it didn't ruin my life. Yes my wife eventually caught it from me.

Tons of credit for the girls in this thread that told their prospective partners about it. That is very tough. I have always been upfront about it too, and it didn't end my dating life.

09-26-2008, 09:29 PM	#42 (permalink)
Makedde Tilted Location: Australia	Now, is herpes only contagious when they flare up? If they are dormant now, I doubt she is contagious. I would give her a chance. It's not her fault she's infected, after all. Just be careful, always use a condom, and perhaps try and get some medication for her so she can treat them? __________________ Sun flames and moons glow, timeless the tides will flow, what will I face, what will be mine, fortune and fate the other side...

09-26-2008, 09:42 PM	#44 (permalink)
Makedde Tilted Location: Australia	I don't think we can blame people for their past mistakes. This woman was infected seven years ago. Is she living the same kind of lifestyle as she was back then? If not, chances are she accepts her mistake - she seems to respect her sexual partners too, if she didn't, the OP would never have been told she was infected. It's good she felt she could trust him with her problem. __________________ Sun flames and moons glow, timeless the tides will flow, what will I face, what will be mine, fortune and fate the other side...

10-02-2008, 11:24 AM	#46 (permalink)
nsfx Tilted Location: NJ	I went through a similar situation but the other person had HPV, not HSV. I am the biggest hypochondriac in the world. I couldn't bring myself to move forward with the relationship. Regret? Sometimes not. Sometimes so. In the end, there are plenty of fish in the sea. You may find someone just like her but without the disease. It's a harsh way of thinking, but it's the reality of it. __________________ "...as no thought can perish, so no act is without infinite result." - E. A. Poe

10-02-2008, 04:10 PM	#49 (permalink)
Vigilante Broken Arrow Location: US	I'm a freak about STDs. Herpes means it's time to go while the pain is minimal (pun intended). Sorry, but herpes, for guys or girls, is damaged goods. HPV is damaged good. AIDS, well, you get the idea. My junk is clean and I plan to keep it that way. Now, I'm married so that is easy for me to say, but even before I was married I was still of that mindset. If the relationship is young, time to move on IMO. However if she was the one (and yes guys have their one too) then it might be time to stock up on valtrex, because if you're like me, you HATE condoms. __________________ We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -Winston Churchill

01-19-2011, 08:23 AM	#52 (permalink)
Aladdin Sane Degenerate Location: San Marvelous	If she's a nice girl, I would consider myself a fool to walk away because of Herpes-- But I have dealt with herpes for 30 years. __________________ Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam. Last edited by Aladdin Sane; 01-19-2011 at 08:26 AM.. Reason: I needed to explain my original comment.

10-02-2008, 11:47 AM	#47 (permalink)
engineering83 Upright	So what about someone who doesn't tell you they have an STD? For instance, I just got out of a relationship with someone a couple months ago. We started talking at the beginning of the year, and had sex a couple months later. STDs should have come up, but they didn't; I got tested before she came out to visit, just in case, and thought she was a great girl, we were honest and open, and were clearly moving towards a relationship - not a one-night-stand type thing. A couple weeks after we slept together for the first time, were talking on the phone - talking about different things, including past skeletons, if you will - and she said, "oh my God, I forgot, I have HPV." That really bothered me. I forgave her, and we worked on our relationship for a while, but it definitely hurt my trust and my feelings. To the OP: at least she was honest and upfront. I think I still would have dated my ex if she had told me first; granted, HPV doesn't have the same connotation as Herpes and isn't that bad (especially for a guy). No easy answer: sure think about you first (esp after dating for only a month), but if you really dig her, great. Maybe just hold off on the sex a lot longer, that way you can find out homuch you really like her. Hopefully not thread-jacking, but how should I approach things now? HPV supposedly clears after a few months/years, but there's no test for guys to be sure. Furthermore, condoms don't offer complete protection (I guess), so basically any time I want to sleep with a girl -- even using protection -- I feel like I should tell them. There are a couple girls I like and I told both of them and they were pretty accepting. But will I have to say, "I might have HPV" as long as forever? Unless a partner comes back clean after a few years? I wish my ex had told me so I could have made a more willing decision; again, to the OP: at least she was honest.

10-02-2008, 03:55 PM	#48 (permalink)
Zocrates Upright	Oh man, What a predicament you've gotten yourself into. Here is my take. I'm 27 and in my lifetime I've dated two women with herpes. I'm still clean (lucky me), but, the relationships are tough. First things first, you are not doing her a favor, it might seem that way, but you are not. Second, herpes is very manageable, and if you believe she's worth the shot, then go for it. Third but not last, you have GOT to be comfortable and enjoy the relationship, that is the key man, if you don't enjoy her company and look past the fact that she has herpes then it will never work. Good luck dude and i really hope that you are a grown up and that you make the choice that is right FOR YOU. Don't listen to us, any of us, listen to the little guy that talks to you when you are all alone, you know him, the one that stares back at you from the mirror every morning, the same guy that whispers in your ear at night when you go to bed. Good luck brother. BTW, information, information, information; learn everything you can, if you like shoot me an e-mail and I'll tell you everything I've learned with my previous experiences, maybe it'll help. i'll pm you my e-mail.

01-17-2011, 09:38 PM	#51 (permalink)
FlatLand Flyer Insane Location: Eastern, WA	Old thread I know, but I just recently got into the same situation as the OP. Met a great girl online, few dates, kissing, then she made me a great dinner (not common in women these days). She had already told me that she needed to tell me something. I figured that it was that she smoked. Wrong, she has herpes and her very first boyfriend gave it to her. After that she was married for 10 years and her ex never showed symptoms, but never got tested either. She says she has not had an outbreak in years, but can 'feel' one coming and won't let anybody near hear until it's over. I have read lots of stuff because she is otherwise a great girl. She also says that my reservations since she has told me is all that she needs to know about how I feel. She thinks that I will always be paranoid or hold it against her. She may be right, she may be wrong. This is a tough spot to be in.

01-30-2011, 11:00 PM	#53 (permalink)
Chumley Upright	I got it when I was young and presumably foolish. I still don't know who gave it to me, which makes me feel kinda slutty. I think I know, but not sure. I had a gf who I was active with for 2 years or so, and she never caught it. We used condoms and never did it when I had an outbreak. I would delay getting physical as long as you can, to make sure it's going to be a longterm hookup. Once you take the plunge, if you combine condoms and avoiding sex during an outbreak, you'd be really unlikely to get it, but it's not impossible. Once you do have it, in the final analysis, it's really just an annoyance. I felt "violated" at first, and yea a bit like "damaged goods", but the reality is it's not that bad. Well, it's a little painful during an outbreak, but they are not that common. Here I am 20+ years later, married, etc -- it didn't ruin my life. Yes my wife eventually caught it from me. Tons of credit for the girls in this thread that told their prospective partners about it. That is very tough. I have always been upfront about it too, and it didn't end my dating life.